Na meetings, work, and family
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: sw, pa
Posts: 81
Na meetings, work, and family
I'm feeling very annoyed. My RAH is at his NA meeting... which is great. I'm very happy that he is attending meetings and being active in recovery. I know there are so many people out there struggling to get their loved one into a program. I should be grateful and I am.. but this crap is still so hard. I still have major anxiety when he goes every night to meetings. In the past he had lied about going to meetings and was using and chasing dope when he claimed he was attending meetings. He is going on 7 months clean . I hate feeling that doubt and I hate that sick feeling I sometimes get- I feel like a total ass. When I finally get an extra day off I occasionally attend one of his meetings with him and then we go out to dinner (kinda a sad old married date night). We have two small children 6 and 8 and I work most every weekend- for me to have a Friday or Saturday off is VERY rare. He also is in his busy season at work- sometimes we are like ships that pass in the night. He will get home from meetings around 9 or so and I get home from work between 10-2am. I am off tonight with the kids and he went to his meeting ... I feel like we are never together as a family and we are seldom together with each other. He has been saying he is having a hard time balancing work/ na/ and family but knows that if he doesn't have NA he will lose us. I just feel like I'm always left holding the bag... the one waiting. He still does nothing around the house.. I work 50-60 hours and raise two kiddos and run the household in every way. It is exhausting and annoying that I feel like the janitor. I also still have those doubts that he could be using or lying and I'm putting myself in a foul mood and going nuts inside. I'm to the point that I want to quit my job of 8 years due to the odd/ long hours but I know better than to put our stability on him. He had mentioned earlier today that he may go to the noon meeting so he could stay with us tonight... he said he was too busy at work. IDK living all of these years on his agenda and now still living on his agenda and schedule is still pissing me off...
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
It's pretty common not to be overly excited regarding our mates recovery program. As in many cases it seems to take them away from the family for many hours each week.
The AA Big Book covers this somewhere ?
It talks about falling short on our family duties now that we are sober is not the proper thing to do.
Some will use the Program as an excuse to do what they want to do. Still very self centered.
Others will realize the need for a balance between family and Program.
Mountainman
The AA Big Book covers this somewhere ?
It talks about falling short on our family duties now that we are sober is not the proper thing to do.
Some will use the Program as an excuse to do what they want to do. Still very self centered.
Others will realize the need for a balance between family and Program.
Mountainman
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 8
I often feel very similar. The addict comes first, his needs, his recovery. It's frustrating. My circumstances are similar other than both of us are not working at present. He fills his time with meetings, therapy, helping friends, and working out while I stay home with our kids and take care of them, our home and general household duties. I try to get out to do things for myself but my needs don't seem to come first.
I hope you find your balance, I'm working on finding mine.
I hope you find your balance, I'm working on finding mine.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob 
It's pretty common not to be overly excited regarding our mates recovery program. As in many cases it seems to take them away from the family for many hours each week.
The AA Big Book covers this somewhere ?
It talks about falling short on our family duties now that we are sober is not the proper thing to do.
Some will use the Program as an excuse to do what they want to do. Still very self centered.
Others will realize the need for a balance between family and Program.
Mountainman
The AA Big Book covers this somewhere ?
It talks about falling short on our family duties now that we are sober is not the proper thing to do.
Some will use the Program as an excuse to do what they want to do. Still very self centered.
Others will realize the need for a balance between family and Program.
Mountainman
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Dane,
Are there any family support meetings in your area? I am sure that he has not taken into consideration that he is not the only person effected by addiction. You need meetings and support, too. The pain, anger, and emotional damage that you have suffered has to be healed too.
You may have to put your foot down if he can't see it. You can't keep carrying all this alone. One night of keeping the kids while you get help is only fair. If you can manage that, you won't regret it! Good luck and Big Hug! Magic
Are there any family support meetings in your area? I am sure that he has not taken into consideration that he is not the only person effected by addiction. You need meetings and support, too. The pain, anger, and emotional damage that you have suffered has to be healed too.
You may have to put your foot down if he can't see it. You can't keep carrying all this alone. One night of keeping the kids while you get help is only fair. If you can manage that, you won't regret it! Good luck and Big Hug! Magic
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
This thread has cause me a lot of thought.
I understand that the OP is concerned about relapse, and I'm not trying to minimize that... because it's always a possibility. I always say trust you gut. Mine was right every time.
That being said, I can think of many situations outside of addiction where the same thing happens.
Growing up, my father was not home much. He worked two jobs to keep food on the table. We rarely got to spend time with dad, because of his other obligations. He wasn't an addict. He didn't see much fruit for his labor either. Then, fast forward to when I was 12. My mom took off and hard working dad was now a single dad. I saw him less. He always had so many obligations. My godfather was a truckdriver. He was always on the road. He still is on the road all these years later. My brother was in the army, and always being stationed somewhere far away... None of these 3 men are addicts, and yet the results were the same.
Me and AXH #1 met and had a child at 18. Addiction didn't come into play until a few years later, in our early 20s. We worked opposite shifts and never saw each other.
I wonder... If that is just part of being an adult who must be at the grindstone. It has always seemed normal to me somehow, addiction or not. Leisure time is fleeting when there are bills to pay and children to raise.
I guess the question is... Does he put in the effort to support the family? Recovery looks like recovery, and a partner working their fingers to the bone to stay clean is better than a partner draining the family at the dopehouse. Isn't it?
Isn't the lack of quality time just a fact of life? At least for the season of raising young children? Aren't there bigger fish to fry? Or have I become coldhearted with age and time?
Just my thoughts.
I understand that the OP is concerned about relapse, and I'm not trying to minimize that... because it's always a possibility. I always say trust you gut. Mine was right every time.
That being said, I can think of many situations outside of addiction where the same thing happens.
Growing up, my father was not home much. He worked two jobs to keep food on the table. We rarely got to spend time with dad, because of his other obligations. He wasn't an addict. He didn't see much fruit for his labor either. Then, fast forward to when I was 12. My mom took off and hard working dad was now a single dad. I saw him less. He always had so many obligations. My godfather was a truckdriver. He was always on the road. He still is on the road all these years later. My brother was in the army, and always being stationed somewhere far away... None of these 3 men are addicts, and yet the results were the same.
Me and AXH #1 met and had a child at 18. Addiction didn't come into play until a few years later, in our early 20s. We worked opposite shifts and never saw each other.
I wonder... If that is just part of being an adult who must be at the grindstone. It has always seemed normal to me somehow, addiction or not. Leisure time is fleeting when there are bills to pay and children to raise.
I guess the question is... Does he put in the effort to support the family? Recovery looks like recovery, and a partner working their fingers to the bone to stay clean is better than a partner draining the family at the dopehouse. Isn't it?
Isn't the lack of quality time just a fact of life? At least for the season of raising young children? Aren't there bigger fish to fry? Or have I become coldhearted with age and time?
Just my thoughts.
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