Sorry this long, but I'd appreciate some help on how to cope with my deceased mother's addiction.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1
Sorry this long, but I'd appreciate some help on how to cope with my deceased mother's addiction.
Ever since I was born and brought home by my new adoptive parents all I ever knew was that my mother constantly had health issues. Her first surgery as an adult, that I know of, was before I was born; some time in the 60's she had a surgery for a slipped disk in her back. Now since the day I came into my parents life I knew something just wasn't right with my mom. It was common on a daily basis for my mother and I to argue and fight.
She was constantly going to doctors or specialist mostly for more surgeries on her back. When I look back on history she has had a total of 6 surgeries solely on her back since the 60's. Other injuries that have happened over the years that caused her to see specialists or physical therapists due to her clumsiness, or so I thought. The last 5.5 yrs of her life really opened my eyes when she was hospitalized for a fractured hip. The 3 attempts at hip replacement surgery were rejected by her system and that started the process of my dad, some help from 2 rehab facilities, 1 assisted living care facility and myself taking care of her.
Now I get that all mothers and daughters, whether blood related or not, will butt heads from time to time, but as small as a toddler she has always reminded me how much of a hassle I was as a baby. I also understand that as a child grows older and is able to form their own opinion to any subject it can cause typical power struggles between the child and parent. The child wants to be heard, but isn't taken seriously due to how society mostly sees the parent as an authority figure. Fully get it.
What I'm having a huge struggle with is that I seemed to be the only one questioning her behavior day after day, moth after month and year after year. No friends or other family seemed to notice her inconsistent and mostly slight behavioral changes. She had a huge amount of charm and knew exactly what to say to who and when and how.
When my dad and I first took her to the hospital for her hip the staff that checked her in asked us what medication she was currently on. A very common question that all hospitals ask and we couldn't answer immediately. Since my mother was all checked in and set up in a bed to see a doctor we left the hospital and headed home to look through all her meds. For the most part there were vitamins, blood thinners, mood stabalizers and such, but what really caught my attention was seeing 3 bottles of Vicodin, morphine and OxyContin. All 3 bottles were currently dated at the time, but all 3 bottles had different doctors names for each. I looked at my dad to see his reaction to this and he was just as shocked as I was.
Consequently my mother died at 73. Most say that because of her age her body just couldn't take anymore and of course I agree with that. I just also think that she died willingly since many of us did what we cold to make sure she wasn't taking all 3 painkillers. Without all those painkillers the behavior I've seen all my life, sometimes in passive aggressive ways or full blown out arguments, was surfacing and showing it's ugly head in a more open way to friends and other family.
Over the years and up until recently I have tried to talk to my dad and other family members about my issues with my mother, but my family has never taken me seriously or believed the claims I've made about her. I know I'm no angel and at the same time I know I'm not the devil either. What angers me so much is that there are 2 sides to every story, mine and hers in this case. It just hurts that a she would always throw me under the bus and come out smelling like a rose. Granted my dad and her were married for 52 year so I understand my dad's loyalty pecking order.
We recently got into an argument over her. We've always know, but finally our opinions of her were verbally expressed to each other. I asked him what his opinion was of my perception of her. He quickly told me I needed to see his therapist. A bit peeved, I kept pressing the issue and he finally told me that he didn't believe me and has never met the woman I described. Funny thing is that I've never met the woman he so admires.
It's upsetting me that even after her death she has many still thinking I'm a compulsive liar. I honestly don't know what to do right now. I'm so upset that I'm contemplating on moving out of the state. In my argument with my dad he begged me not to tarnish her good name to people she had or may have known. I explained how that is the reason I refuse to talk to anyone who attended her funeral. I just don't see why my dad is getting frantic over me exposing her drug addiction and behavior. Her life here on earth is completed and at 42 I still have a lot of life left in me. Why do I have be the one to take the fall for a dead person's past behavior? How am I able to get at least my family to stop thinking that all I do is lie whe she was the one who had them all fooled?
She was constantly going to doctors or specialist mostly for more surgeries on her back. When I look back on history she has had a total of 6 surgeries solely on her back since the 60's. Other injuries that have happened over the years that caused her to see specialists or physical therapists due to her clumsiness, or so I thought. The last 5.5 yrs of her life really opened my eyes when she was hospitalized for a fractured hip. The 3 attempts at hip replacement surgery were rejected by her system and that started the process of my dad, some help from 2 rehab facilities, 1 assisted living care facility and myself taking care of her.
Now I get that all mothers and daughters, whether blood related or not, will butt heads from time to time, but as small as a toddler she has always reminded me how much of a hassle I was as a baby. I also understand that as a child grows older and is able to form their own opinion to any subject it can cause typical power struggles between the child and parent. The child wants to be heard, but isn't taken seriously due to how society mostly sees the parent as an authority figure. Fully get it.
What I'm having a huge struggle with is that I seemed to be the only one questioning her behavior day after day, moth after month and year after year. No friends or other family seemed to notice her inconsistent and mostly slight behavioral changes. She had a huge amount of charm and knew exactly what to say to who and when and how.
When my dad and I first took her to the hospital for her hip the staff that checked her in asked us what medication she was currently on. A very common question that all hospitals ask and we couldn't answer immediately. Since my mother was all checked in and set up in a bed to see a doctor we left the hospital and headed home to look through all her meds. For the most part there were vitamins, blood thinners, mood stabalizers and such, but what really caught my attention was seeing 3 bottles of Vicodin, morphine and OxyContin. All 3 bottles were currently dated at the time, but all 3 bottles had different doctors names for each. I looked at my dad to see his reaction to this and he was just as shocked as I was.
Consequently my mother died at 73. Most say that because of her age her body just couldn't take anymore and of course I agree with that. I just also think that she died willingly since many of us did what we cold to make sure she wasn't taking all 3 painkillers. Without all those painkillers the behavior I've seen all my life, sometimes in passive aggressive ways or full blown out arguments, was surfacing and showing it's ugly head in a more open way to friends and other family.
Over the years and up until recently I have tried to talk to my dad and other family members about my issues with my mother, but my family has never taken me seriously or believed the claims I've made about her. I know I'm no angel and at the same time I know I'm not the devil either. What angers me so much is that there are 2 sides to every story, mine and hers in this case. It just hurts that a she would always throw me under the bus and come out smelling like a rose. Granted my dad and her were married for 52 year so I understand my dad's loyalty pecking order.
We recently got into an argument over her. We've always know, but finally our opinions of her were verbally expressed to each other. I asked him what his opinion was of my perception of her. He quickly told me I needed to see his therapist. A bit peeved, I kept pressing the issue and he finally told me that he didn't believe me and has never met the woman I described. Funny thing is that I've never met the woman he so admires.
It's upsetting me that even after her death she has many still thinking I'm a compulsive liar. I honestly don't know what to do right now. I'm so upset that I'm contemplating on moving out of the state. In my argument with my dad he begged me not to tarnish her good name to people she had or may have known. I explained how that is the reason I refuse to talk to anyone who attended her funeral. I just don't see why my dad is getting frantic over me exposing her drug addiction and behavior. Her life here on earth is completed and at 42 I still have a lot of life left in me. Why do I have be the one to take the fall for a dead person's past behavior? How am I able to get at least my family to stop thinking that all I do is lie whe she was the one who had them all fooled?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Migraine, I'm so sorry that happened to you. It may not help to understand but it sounds like your dad might be what they call a co-dependent and his reality may be based on thinking of her as "normal".
From my own childhood experiences of a somewhat different type, it took me many, many years to finally accept that I cannot change other people but can only change the way I react to things.
IMHO, you have multiple options and I'll note just the key ones: you can move away or you can stay. Beyond that, no matter which you choose, I believe you'll still need to deal with the many feelings you probably have about your mother and father. From that perspective, getting some help in dealing with your feelings (not "fixing" them!) may make sense in order for you to have the life you deserve. I found that old feelings of resentment blocked my ability to enjoy life and develop healthy relationships. Personally, I wouldn't recommend seeing your father's counselor! This isn't about reconciling with him or "forgiving" him or your mother. It's all about enabling you to move on.
You might find the "Family and Friends" forum here to be helpful!
From my own childhood experiences of a somewhat different type, it took me many, many years to finally accept that I cannot change other people but can only change the way I react to things.
IMHO, you have multiple options and I'll note just the key ones: you can move away or you can stay. Beyond that, no matter which you choose, I believe you'll still need to deal with the many feelings you probably have about your mother and father. From that perspective, getting some help in dealing with your feelings (not "fixing" them!) may make sense in order for you to have the life you deserve. I found that old feelings of resentment blocked my ability to enjoy life and develop healthy relationships. Personally, I wouldn't recommend seeing your father's counselor! This isn't about reconciling with him or "forgiving" him or your mother. It's all about enabling you to move on.
You might find the "Family and Friends" forum here to be helpful!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Hi and Welcome,
I am a person who was bad-mouthed by my mother to other family members so I understand a little of where you are coming from. I would ask you why it is so important to prove to family members that you were not lying and your mother was lying. Your family members have chosen to believe you are a compulsive liar. You could fight your way through that and work hard to convince everyone that you are truthful and your mother was not, but is it worth it? Will it change the person you are? I chose to move away from family, partly because I refused to try to justify myself, partly for other reasons. I now choose to be around people who believe me and believe in me.
I hope that you are able to find some peace in your life.
I am a person who was bad-mouthed by my mother to other family members so I understand a little of where you are coming from. I would ask you why it is so important to prove to family members that you were not lying and your mother was lying. Your family members have chosen to believe you are a compulsive liar. You could fight your way through that and work hard to convince everyone that you are truthful and your mother was not, but is it worth it? Will it change the person you are? I chose to move away from family, partly because I refused to try to justify myself, partly for other reasons. I now choose to be around people who believe me and believe in me.
I hope that you are able to find some peace in your life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 51
I'm sorry you're going through this.
My honest opinion (and I know you didn't really ask), is to work on forgiveness. Not for your mom's sake, and not for your dad's, but for your own. Holding on to the resentment and anger only hurts you. You will never change your dad's mind just as he'll never change yours.
Forgiveness is so very hard, and often undeserved. But forgive for you, not for them.
My honest opinion (and I know you didn't really ask), is to work on forgiveness. Not for your mom's sake, and not for your dad's, but for your own. Holding on to the resentment and anger only hurts you. You will never change your dad's mind just as he'll never change yours.
Forgiveness is so very hard, and often undeserved. But forgive for you, not for them.
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