DathanM

Hello everyone this is my first post the names Dathan, anyway I started talking to a young woman a few months ago she's 21 I'm 19, we started talking she let me know she was quitting cocaine use and that she was also an exotic dancer. Kinda took me by surprise but after I met her I knew she was someone who would be a good match for me so I have stuck with her and we started dating and she recently went to rehab about 10 days ago for cocaine and alcohol she broke up with me before going but we have stayed in touch and she said she wants to be with me just needs to fix herself and get better for herself and her daughter. A little bit about me I'm 18 going on 19 I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, I don't even drink pop I thoroughly enjoy bodybuilding and combat sports like kickboxing. Also I am seeing a counselor today for codependency issues and some other personal things but I figured I'd ask for first hand advice on what to expect when she comes home and how I can push her in a positive way onto a new job and into school for cosmetology (that's her interest), I know it's gonna be hard for her going from making hundreds a night to hundreds a week and I've never dealt with things like this before. Also how to keep bad people from her past away from her or help her to, I know it all comes back to whether she wants it or not.

zoso77

Dathan...

Welcome to the Board. I'm thankful you took the step to post. But I'd also be lying if I didn't admit to being sad about another young person coming to us under these circumstances.

On the one hand, I know your heart is in the right place by wanting to help your AGF out. People come to use every day with stories similar to yours. Our natural inclination is to want to help people we care about. But here's the rub, Dathan: there's really nothing you can do for her.

Overcoming an addiction to drugs is brutally hard. Your AGF has a fight on her hands, and there is no guarantee that she's going to overcome it. The best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on yourself. Allow her the space she needs to get to a healthy place. Do not have high expectations of her as a romantic partner, for she won't have the bandwidth to be a fully committed girlfriend.

Lastly, I encourage you to read as many posts as you can here. There are common threads through all of our stories, which means there are common lessons learned from our trials and tribulations. When you get frustrated -- and you will -- increase your intensity in the gym and get it out of you constructively.

We'll help get you through this, but before we can, you need to understand what it is you're dealing with. And that's on you.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

Troubledone

Dathan,

My niece who was addicted to meth dated a beautiful young man who could be described as you describe yourself.

Because she was not really ready for recovery, she manipulated him and broke his heart. He could have been very good for her.

I would agree with the previous post. Read all you can and if you choose to stay in this relationship, do so with eyes wide open.

There are success stories and tragic stories.

If she is truly in recovery, there are clear signs. If she is not, there are clear signs. Learn what they are and beware of deluding yourself out of your own needs.

Self awareness and realistic assessment of what is can guide you.

Best wishes for a healthy outcome for both of you.

AnvilheadII

you are 18.....and you've known this young female addict with a child who makes/made her living as an exotic dancer for just a few months. it is not your JOB to PUSH her to fix her own life OR to keep "bad" people away from her.....that is and will always be HER job. she has a lot to fix. and she broke up with you.

double down on your own battle codependency. figure out why at such a young age you are determined to SAVE someone else.

Mountainmanbob

That's probably of most importance for you at this point in time.

Even if she stays clean and sober.
Go very, very slow with her.
For she will be going through many, many changes.
Probably at times causing you to wonder -- what the heck is going on ?

Trust between the two of you will be or not be built over time.
A relationship with one new to recovery can be hard and confusing to say the least.

Makes it rough on new and old relationships -- seriously rough.

Bob

DathanM

I appreciate the words of encouragement and it's taken me a bit to realize this may not end the way I want in to no matter what she says and to prepare for the worst but hope for the best it's an odd situation to be in given I hadn't even been out of highschool for a year

atalose

I’m glad you are seeking help for your codependency issues. As it was pointed out to you already, it’s not your place to push her towards another type of job or to keep bad people away from her………….that thinking is your codependent thinking.

The reality is, you fell hard and fast for someone who lives a life that you don’t agree with. And your thinking is that if you could CHANGE her ways and have her become someone else then YOUR life and her life will be happy and complete.

Life doesn’t work that way, she is who she is and if you can’t just accept that and want to find ways to change her then you have no business being in any kind of a relationship with her.

DathanM

I've noticed this some already looking back on it before not that she didn't care but I think she did some of the things she did specifically because she knew I loved her and wouldn't leave her, but I can't allow that when she comes home I have to have boundaries with consequences to protect my own future and sanity

Magichappens

Wow Dathan,
You have already come a long way since your first post. Being "codependent" is in our nature, so getting away from the one we are with doesn't solve the problem. You are on the right track, and learning tools to help yourself. I hope it works out for both of you. Even if it doesn't, we are here, and you can continue to grow and have better relationships. Hugs, Magic

DathanM

At my meetings with the therapist I'm gonna take detailed notes if I can and maybe post them to this site for others to view if that would help.

AnvilheadII

said with love....spoken like a true codependent! make sure YOU are your priority here.....pay attention in therapy for the messages YOU need to hear.....we'll muddle along til you get yourself sorted out.

i am concerned tho....you keep saying when she comes "home" - do you live together?

DathanM

Yes and No, I stayed with her and her family 4-5 Nights a week and we did everything together, her family likes me and we all get along well. I went and stayed with them last Sunday. We all stay in touch so it's a sticky mess. And Incase it matters I do have a steady job that pays decent so it's not like I was around 24/7 but we hardly ever slept alone if that makes sense

atalose

She broke up with you so can I ask you, are you thinking that rehab is going to fix her and once she comes out you and her can resume being boyfriend and girlfriend again?

DathanM

That's the plan anyway she said she couldn't love me the right way if she didn't love herself and needed to get her head in the right place for herself, her daughter, and us as a whole.

atalose

Rehab doesn’t “fix” people. Rehab is merely an opportunity to rid her of the drugs and tell her about tools (meetings, sponsors, etc) to use moving forward. It’s all up to her and her alone to use those tools and recommit to her sobriety each and every day or not.

AnvilheadII

needed to get her head in the right place for herself, her daughter, and us as a whole.

honestly, i don't think you should make yourself part of that equation....just getting HERSELF straightened is going to take a lot of HARD work, and sober is forever. THEN there is her precious daughter that deserves a healthy mom. i'm not sure where a kid just out of high school fits in there. i don't mean to be harsh, but you seem to have that fairy tale vision of how it will be happily ever after....

she's led a pretty tough life if she was "dancing" for $$ and dope....she is going to need to overhaul pretty much her entire LIFE. and you truly barely know this lady...........

DathanM

I'm aware that this may not work out but if you care for someone and they care for you, you should give them the benefit of the doubt and let them have a chance to build a healthy relationship with you. I know plenty about her and her past obviously there are things I don't know that have led her to this point. But that's stuff she's gonna tell counselors not myself as for her daughter im close to her as well, she's shy but I've stayed the night with her many times when her mother was out and didn't come home and I've gotten her up for school and taken her myself I've read her books before bed, I care about that little girl as well. I'm not your average 19yr old kid I've been through a lot and grown up a little quicker, plus she hasn't had many positive relationships, most of the men she's dated and I use the term men very loosely have been older party types who used her and got what they wanted but I'm far from that I have goals a steady job and should have my own place by winter then I'm gonna start on my gen Eds. I'm not doing this because I can't get someone else I'm doing this because I have a connection with this woman if she cuts me off she cuts me off I live right next to the home of the U of I I can find someone else. I'm simply asking for advice as to what I should and shouldn't do as a significant other to a recovering addict and what to expect when she comes home.

hopeful4

I would say give her space. Be patient. Encourage her, don't enable her. Be honest. Don't make any promises, and don't be offended easily.

Recovery is designed to be a selfish time, as it needs to be. Watch her actions over the course of a long period of time and that will tell you how invested she is in her own recovery.

DathanM

So essentially take things with a grain of salt so to speak? And I'm worried about her old friends from the club trying to drag her back into that lifestyle

atalose

Well for one, stop referring to yourself as her significant other. You have ONLY know this person a few months. This person has broken up the relationship with you so that she can seek help for herself.

And two, getting close to her child in these few shorts months is not healthy for either one of you.

Alcohol is an alcoholics trigger.

Drugs are a drug addicts trigger.

Relationships are a codependents trigger.

You place yourself in a significant role in their lives in just this very short period of time.

The best way of all to help is to step back way back and allow her all on her own to figure her out.

Support doesn't always NEED to be an action or your presents it simple can be respecting another persons right and ability to stand on their own and figure out their own lives.