Behavior/Personality change after sobriety

Old 04-20-2016, 10:17 PM
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Behavior/Personality change after sobriety

Hello!
I just found your site tonight while trying to research some things. I'll try to be brief, though history has proven that I tend to write, "books."

My husband and I have been together for over 25 years, married for 23 of those. He is currently 57. We were always social drinkers, but after our first child was born 22 years ago, he began to have a drinking problem (hiding bottles around the house, etc). It was primarily some sort of self-medication because he never looked or acted drunk and I didn't know what alcoholism looked like so I just didn't pick up on what was happening.

This continued for about 10 yrs. Most of that time, he held things together pretty well. He had some job losses, but there was always and excuse. But of course, his drinking became steadily heavier and his health declined. Nine years ago, he quit cold turkey and was sober for one year, but when he relapsed, he ended up having a withdrawal induced seizure.

The next 5 yrs were a roller coaster of treatment programs, sobriety, and relapse. Each time he went into treatment he truly wanted to quit. It would take a month or two for his brain to get right again, but he always came back to his usual self. But each time he relapsed, it was worse. The last year was terrible. He was angry all the time, was on a constant cycle of wake, drink, sleep, wake, drink, sleep, and I never knew if, when we left, he would be alive when we came home. Yet, when he went into treatment the second to last time (about 4.5 years ago), he recovered so well! He was joking around, conversed, talked about how he was feeling - was just really doing well.

Then, he relapsed again. Again, he fell really hard, but this time, when he went back into treatment, he wasn't the same. He was inpatient and when I realized by the 4-5 month mark that he wasn't going back to his "old self," I raised my concerns, first with the staff there and then with his psychiatrist. He was very angry all the time at everyone, childish, irrational. He was already on an antidepressant (citalapram) so they added Welbutrin. That stabilized his mood pretty well but I started noticing a few minor memory things that had never been there before. It was very minor and I didn't give it much thought, but it was definitely something different. He also could not seem to stick with the recovery program. As soon as he was allowed home visits, he would drink. He had never done this before. After 10 months in the program, he was discharged for drinking.

He regained sobriety once home and things were pretty stable for the next 1.5 yrs. We hit on the idea that he always seemed fine until he got money. It was like, once he had money, he just couldn't resist the urge. So, with him in agreement, I took complete control of all the money. He has now been sober since Nov. 2013 (2.5 yrs), with the exception of 2 very minor relapses that lasted 3 days and 1 day, respectively. during that time.

Now we come to my concern. A little over a year ago, I started noticing more memory things, a little more mixing things up (like dates and times, details, etc.). Again, fairly minor, but still, something different. Then, in April of last year, he went from feeling a little, "off," to full blown crazy within a couple of days. He was so irrational and angry. It was all the old cards coming back into play - no one loves him, nobody cares about him, I was the root of all his problems because I was controlling and yelled at him all the time, on and on and on. Then I discovered that he had used my credit cards online to get access to porn and dating sites. This was something he NEVER did before. He had taken cash sure enough, but I was really taken aback by this move (I got all the charges reversed).

It was decided that his antidepressant had stopped working and they switched out his citalapram for zoloft. Again, it stabilized his mood - though still not great, but there was still other things that weren't right. He stopped going to church, his hygiene is G-O-N-E. He was never a fussy person or anything, but he at least kept clean! And he never would have been caught dead going out to appointments in sweat pants. Now, he wears the same clothes EVERY day. He'll wash them periodically, but then put them right back on. His current sweatshirt has holes in both elbows and all around the wrist cuffs. I choose not to fight the bath or clothing battles, but I will occasionally wash his dentures - like when looking at the water is going to make me puke. They've recently upped his antidepressant - again - and also have him on anxiety meds 3x a day.

So, my long winded point here is, when he first gained sobriety, I was made to understand that it can take a while for the brain to recover and that he would get better over time, especially if he stayed sober. So, he's done that, but he's not getting better. He's getting worse. Does anyone have knowledge or experience of what could be happening here? I'm guessing that there has been damage done to his brain, but is it something that will just plateau here and this is just how he'll be for the rest of his life, or are we looking at some sort of degenerative/dementia kind of thing? I recently heard about FTD (frontal temporal dementia) and his behaviors mimic those very well, but here's the thing - I can't get his health care team to work with me. Over the winter I voiced my continued concerns about his behavior and was basically told that, because the memory testing they did showed no problems, he was fine - "doing really well," was what his counselor said - so it must be because we have marital problems. Um. . . . except that he doesn't tell her the truth - or he tells her HIS version of the truth. The only time we have marital problems is when I choose to challenge him on his behavior (for example, tell him that it is inappropriate for him to swear at the 7 & 8 year olds when they are playing and get a little loud), something I generally try to avoid.

Bottom line, he is a completely different person than he has ever been in the over 25 years I've known him. There is nothing left of the fun, jokey man I once knew, who loved to rile the kids up with silliness, and always cared for me. He was never perfect, but up until the last years of his drinking, he was still good, and life was good. There is so much more I could say but I've already made this so long. If anyone has any info or thoughts, I'd love to hear them. Thanks.

Jen
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Old 04-20-2016, 11:22 PM
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There are a lot of people on here who know way more about this stuff than me and hopefully some of them will reply tomorrow when they are awake.

I do know that it is a progressive disease and that brain damage does occur over time. Also, anger is super common in As and it is also the most common symptom of depression in men. Anger is also something people use to avoid dealing with their other feelings.

Do you think his doctors are on top of things? It sounds to me like there are underlying mental health problems that have not been addressed thoroughly. Whatever he was "self-medicating" for 20 years ago may have progressed. Depression is also a progressive disease ( a lot of people don't know that).

If his health care team won't work with you then shop around for health care professionals who will work with you. It is a broad field and they specialize. Just because they are a good counselor/doctor doesn't mean they are good with alcoholics/addicts. Same with marriage counseling. I have had to "fire" at least a dozen therapists/psychiatrists over the years while managing my mental health issues. Not all doctors are created equal! And one more thought, at his age of 57 there is always the possibility that there is something else medically going on. Does he have a good primary care physician and has he seen them lately?
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Old 04-21-2016, 02:55 AM
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I would second the recommendation to get a second (or third) opinion. Personality changes like the ones you're describing should always be reported to a doctor. It could be related to his alcoholism, but it's also possible it could be something else that is going undiagnosed because his team is chalking it up to the alcohol abuse. Either way, your concerns should be taken seriously by the right doctor. So sorry for what you're going through.
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Old 04-21-2016, 03:13 AM
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Hi rose, I'm not a doctor but I have seen both parents with dementia of different kinds, plus my sister's brain deficits after a lifetime of heavy drinking, and a lot of what you're describing sounds familiar. Points I picked up on were:
The way he dresses
Breaking down of social inhibitions
Not noticing something is dirty
Memory lapses

Nothing is certain without assessment at a dementia clinic, so if he will agree with that, I would take him to the experts. Not that they can say why, but they can assess how much and give you an outlook.

It used to drive my sister crazy that when Mum was seeing a doctor she would perk up and put on such a good act that they would never guess she had dementia. Dad used to do that as well, except it annoyed Mum back then. If the doctors aren't taking you seriously, that could be the reason.

Who knows whether alcohol abuse is the sole cause of his problems, but it surely never improved a situation. He might be succumbing faster than he would have if he'd let a different life.

Take care of yourself and don't forget to plan for the future where you can give yourself some respite every now and then. It can be very hard for carers, and you need to look after yourself too.
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Old 04-21-2016, 04:27 AM
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Feeling, you hit the nail on the head there. That is exactly what happens. He goes to his appointments all smooth and chatty. I will say, even that has declined some lately, but he still knows how to put on a show for them.

He gets all his care at the VA and did just have a physical that checked out perfect (they did a full panel of blood work). I would love to get him in for a second opinion or to see a nuerologist, but there lies another problem I forgot to mention - he doesn't think there is anything wrong! Now, as time goes on, I've lately begun to suspect that, deep down, he knows something isn't right, but that has been a huge source of contention and I've decided to let it all drop for the time being. The kids and I have very busy, active lives so we pretty much just carry on without him.

Thanks so much for the replies so far. I know there is no crystal ball or magic answer, but I've read almost every article I can find on brain damage from alcoholism and what little info I've found doesn't really fit what I'm seeing, especially that he isn't getting any better. It's one of things where, I just want to know. We've been through so much already, I can handle whatever comes - I just would like to know what we're dealing with.

Jen
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Old 04-21-2016, 04:39 AM
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Hi Jen and welcome to SR.

Here's what I would do in your situation. Your husband is young to be having dementia though it is possible (would be extremely rare). He could also possibly be a long candidate of alzheimer's (which would also be extremely rare, but possible).

Or there is a more plausible explanation....your husband has been misdiagnosed and is being treated with improper medication. I'm sorry to say its common. Because his anti-depressants which have been switched, are not working, is a VERY BIG RED FLAG. My guess is you might be dealing with bi-polar issues that don't play well with SSRI anti depressant meds. I am no Doctor, so that's only a guess. His memory issues and so forth could be a result of improper medication. Please do not discontinue those meds though, that needs to addressed by a professional and are not medications that one stops cold turkey.

If it were me I would find the best Neuro-Psychiatrist (both neurologist and psychiatrist) you can find and get him there Stat. This medical team is not helping your husband or you, they have come to a conclusion and are now blaming his actions on marital discord which is laughable. I'd cut them loose.

I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. I do not believe this is about the alcohol as his state is diminishing in sobriety.
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Old 04-21-2016, 07:42 AM
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Thanks, Red. I appreciate your thoughts. If I could come up with some way to convince him to see someone else, I would in a heartbeat. January was a terrible month. I was completely betrayed by the medical staff at the VA and I'm pretty sure there is a note in his file about me. So, for now, I'm trying to let things settle down, watch, and wait. I keep notes of things that happen and record any changes.

I just wanted to throw in that, the hallmark of the particular type of dementia I was looking at (FTD) generally begins in the mid-50s. It can start even earlier, in the 40s, and come on later, even into the 70s, but, though rare in general, it most commonly starts in themid-50s. Even if that isn't what he has, when I read the common symptoms list, it was like reading about him - lack of hygiene, personality change, anger/hostility, loss of social skills - so there is certainly something going on that isn't normal.

Thanks again, Jen
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Old 04-21-2016, 07:54 AM
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Has he had blood work done to test his Thiamine levels (B1)? Look into Werneke's Karsokoff syndrome. I'm sure I didn't spell that right...

As an alcoholic myself I am very sensitive to anti anxiety meds. They make me crazy. And a mix of meds can be really dangerous for an addict.
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Old 04-21-2016, 10:26 AM
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I have a niece who overdosed on cocaine and alcohol over the summer - she had seizures and went unconscious several times, and then had to be placed in a medical coma for a couple of days because of brain swelling. Alcohol was the prime factor in the brain swelling.

After rehab, she had a myriad of issues with memory (short term and long term) , in addition to quite a bit of anger and frustration. The anger was due to having to actually manage her life for the first time in a while without her little helpers (drugs and alcohol), and the confusions and memory issues certainly added to the frustration. She went through some stages of depression.

Her neurologist (after several scans) found no permanent damage but likened it to a concussion - although no blunt force trauma occurred, the damage done by the excessive drinking, which caused the seizure, gave her the same symptoms. In her circumstance, no permanent damage had been done, but it will take a while to unfog her mind.

I would also second the neuro-psychiatrist consultation. Honestly, it's not going to do you a bit of good to second-guess and diagnose by google, and it certainly won't win you any favor with the medical staff already treating him. If your husband is content with the treatment, and the staff is as well, you'll just continue to make enemies by pushing anything right now.

I'm not trying to be insulting at all so please do not take it that way, because we all tend to do this, but what you are currently researching is a rare form of a rare degenerative disease. Early-onset is pretty rare, and FTD is the most rare form of early onset alzheimers/dementia. If you are suggesting to a medical staff that a very rare disease could be the culprit, they're going to write you off.

Just document what you can, and simply hand over your observations for the time being. It's what you can do at this point. If you feel you can suggest to your husband to simply get a second opinion to ease your mind, then perhaps work on that angle as well.
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Old 04-21-2016, 11:38 AM
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Thanks, Mini. I do know that I probably didn't handle everything the best way (we are only human) but I got so provoked by their insistence that nothing was wrong. They wouldn't even acknowledge my concerns. If they had, in any way, validated what I was saying - even to say that it could be residual effects from the alcohol and we have to wait and see - but they completely wrote off everything I reported to them. I gave them a 3 year history of changes I had noticed in his behavior and mental state and all they were willing to do was give a set of memory tests. They never gave him a brain scan or ran any other tests. When I called to set up his annual physical (that was overdue anyway) I got openly berated by the nurse. Then, when I called to complain about what the nurse said to me, instead of being called by a liaison who is supposed to handle things like that, I got called by his counselor who chewed me out too. That one stung especially bad because I had felt, up till that point, that she and I had a good relationship. But then again, I also found out around that same time, that he was misrepresenting me to her. I saw him writing to her one day about how well his 6 month review went at work and he said to her, "I figured you'd like to know and besides, I'll get a better reaction from you than what I'm getting around here." He never even told me he was having a 6 month review. Even when I asked him about it later, he shrugged and said it was, "fine." So, unless something changes, I'm in a no win situation with this stuff. If I say anything, I'm just the bad guy who *wants* my husband to be sick with something. At this point, I figure, if it is something degenerative, it will show itself eventually. Either way, we just continue to manage symptoms. If something else major changes, I'll try to gently suggest seeing someone else. Not much else to do, I guess.

Thanks again, Jen
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Old 04-21-2016, 11:57 AM
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I see why your concerned, there isn't just one or two tiny things that are not the same, pretty much everything is not the same.

It could be due to such long alcohol abuse, they always say the next time you go out can be your last; and that goes farther then death..you might just never bounce back from any damage done to the brain. Sometimes that one more relapse can just push something over the edge that was on the cusp before.

I am a recovered heroin addict, but I went through years of being put on different antidepressants and no matter what the dosage or which medicine they never worked; I'd get super ansy, I'd get angry, I'd give up because I just felt horrible. I have finally been properly diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder and have finally gotten the medicines that I need. With bipolar you have to be very careful with SSRIS because they can send the person into manic states or extremely depressed states.

If at all possible a full psychological evaluation (takes between 1-2 hours) by a psychiatrist that specializes in addiction would be my first step to see if there are any undiagnosed mental health issues looming.

Make sure to pay attention that his change doesn't start to turn violent, for the safety of you and your children I would stay aware for any slight changes in that direction. It is infuriating when doctors won't truly listen, but just like you cannot control what he says, does, thinks, or how he acts..you can't make a doctor take you seriously if they are not willing to listen. Second and third opinion would be ideal but if he is not willing you cannot do anything about that.

Maybe it is time to start thinking what you are willing to put up with and where you will draw the line if things continue to get worse. Are you staying no matter what the situation becomes, or are you going to set boundaries that once crossed are a deal breaker and you leave with your children? It is good to have a plan, even if you don't think you will need it it is still better to have one in place because when things start to really hit the fan it is hard to think clearly so doing the thinking now will help a lot if the time were to come.
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Old 04-21-2016, 03:12 PM
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Thanks so much, Rose. Congratulations on your recovery.

On a day to day basis, things are fine for the most part but, yes, I am very concerned about if/when this set of meds stop working. When all the SHTF last year, it was a matter of days between the calm "new normal" we had and crazy man. Every day was, "what will he be mad at me for today?" It took me off guard for sure because the only time he was like that sober was when he was in treatment that last time. He was never violent, just ugly - though his insults and arguments were so crazy, sometimes I had to just walk away stifling laughter because there was just no reasoning with him. The antidepressants definitely work in that regard. It may not be great, but we can live with him at least! He's definitely not manic - not ever. When he's not working (part time dishwasher at a local hospital) he sits in front of the computer either playing solitaire, commenting on political news articles, or watching videos about aliens, the coming apocalypse, or some other weird sci-fi, like, "Top 10 terrifying monsters caught on video!!" He doesn't do anything else. He barely eats during the day - unless I specifically give him something. Otherwise he eats peanut butter, with or without bread. We go through at least one 48 ounce jar of peanut butter a week. The kids eat a little, but he eats most of it. When it's dinner time, if we aren't being too loud, he'll come to the table, eat, and then go back to the computer. At some point, between 9 and 10, he'll just get up and go to bed. Every once in a while he will check the doors (something he used to be almost neurotic about) or tell me he's going to bed. Most nights though, he just gets up and goes. Like I said, there are so many things.

Presumably, he has been cleared of any other mental health conditions. He is labeled as having depression and anxiety along with his history of alcoholism. No one has ever discussed with me what they expect of him in terms of recovery or how they view his status. For the way they talked to me, he is the picture of health and we should all be very happy for how well he is doing.

Oh, and someone asked about B1. He had the full blood panel done in March (everything checked out great) and, after his seizure in 2008, he did all of his detox stints in the hospital with IV meds and B vitamins.

I really appreciate all the comments and thoughts. I try not to let it get to me (heaven knows I have enough other things to be concerned about and stay busy doing!). It's just so frustrating. I'm concerned about him - and about our whole family. I try to be proactive on things and don't like the idea of waiting till we're in crisis mode again.

As far as staying, short of things getting violent, I have to stay. He could never care for himself. If he gets violent at some point, the hospital will have to take him and figure out what to do with him.

Thanks again, Jen
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Old 04-21-2016, 04:01 PM
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I brought it up about misdiagnoses because my husband was misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety for 10 years. He is BiPolar. BP II to be exact. His mania is insomnia and irritability. He has never been "manic" in the way I thought mania was. There are 3 different kinds of BP and being"manic" like how we see in the movies is BP 1.

I am not diagnosing him. Just making you aware that one size does not fit all. Hoping that there will be opportunity in the future to look into it further with his cooperation.
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Old 04-21-2016, 04:07 PM
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Sorry you are going through this, Jen.

My thoughts?

Given his age, he could very well be showing early signs of some type of dementia, superimposed on his alcoholic brain. But, I'm not a Dr. and can't diagnose so take what I share that's helpful and toss what you need to toss.

He's been diagnosed with depression, right? It could be worsening depression and a very deep depression. With depression, you can see loss of appetite, loss of interest, "blah" moods and facial expressions even with things they used to enjoy a lot. They interact less with others, they tend to isolate. And, yes, they also turn to substances such as alcohol to self medicate. I've been through that myself. But, when I was going through it I was very fortunate to have a Dr. who really listened and was open to trying different things, different meds, etc. Just from my PERSONAL experience, the best anti-D I ever took was Cymbalta. It's a little on the expensive side and not all insurances will pay for it, so there you go....I took myself off Cymbalta very gradually after being on it for awhile and still experienced quite a WITHDRAWAL. I hate to make it seem like meds are the only answer, but they do help a person get through the worst of it until they are up to making other changes in their life like eating better and exercise.

Diet and exercise and good sleep to me are so ESSENTIAL for mental well being and have a great impact on depression. Unfortunately, alcohol just makes depression worse, that's is a lose-lose option to deal with depression, but a lot of alcoholics are depressed.

I don't recall if you said he had a counselor. I hope so and also hope it's one that will be helpful. The underlying issues need to be dealt with...but again, sometimes a severely depressed person isn't up to ANYTHING including getting out to appts.

Not caring about hygiene and wanting to wear the same clothes over and over sort of reminds of my senile grandmother that lived with us for awhile, but it can also be part of other mental illnesses and very common with depression. It's like they lose all interest including interest in personal care. It's debilitating, really and yes, it's very hard on the family.

Dr. and nurses really NEED to listen to family members who live with this because it's when you really LIVE with something that you grow to know it the most intimately. Here's hoping you all will have brighter days ahead.
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Old 04-22-2016, 07:47 AM
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Thanks for your thoughts, Teatree. Yes, he does have a counselor, who I thought I had a good relationship with up until Jan., when she turned on me and told me that this was all his response to me "treating him like a child" and, "beating him down all these years." I felt like I was Alice in Wonderland - the whole world turned upside down and backwards.

He's never struck me as depressed, just increasingly not caring about anything or about what other people think. He has a good appetite when I give him his food, he just won't bother to get something if I don't hand it do him - or if he does it's just peanut butter bread or cereal. If I bake he's right there asking if there is extra batter or frosting. He likes it when I bring home ice cream for him and is happy to eat it. Honestly, he behaves more like a kid than some of the kids. Everything should be the way he wants it and everyone should just be and act in whatever way works for him alone. At least the kids understand reason and I can explain things to them. There's no explaining stuff to him. We just do our best to keep things on an even keel and running smoothly.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts. I guess we just wait and see now.

Thanks so much, Jen
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Old 04-22-2016, 07:55 AM
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Seems that even though he is not drinking anymore, the relationship between the two of you is still that of the codependant/ enabler type.
Why are you having to clean and take care of him? You've done that when he was a drunk and you are still doing this in a different way now. Take a different approach. If he wears the same smelly clothes day after day, don't say anything about it - bite your tongue, allow him to wear those clothes. If he complains about his food, tell him he can make it himself. Better yet, he should be taking care of 50% of the house chores. Perhaps, your husband has never needed to take responsibility because he knows that you will always do that for him.
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Old 04-22-2016, 07:56 AM
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Originally Posted by wildrosejmj View Post
Thanks for your thoughts, Teatree. Yes, he does have a counselor, who I thought I had a good relationship with up until Jan., when she turned on me and told me that this was all his response to me "treating him like a child" and, "beating him down all these years."
I hate the term "beating someone down," but if you're like me, you have totally been treating him like a child. Partly because he ACTS like a child, and partly because that's just what we co-dependents do. However, even if we ARE treating our qualifiers like children, their reactions to that are theirs alone, and trying to pass the buck on to someone else isn't doing your AH any favors.

Originally Posted by wildrosejmj View Post
He's never struck me as depressed, just increasingly not caring about anything or about what other people think. He has a good appetite when I give him his food, he just won't bother to get something if I don't hand it do him - or if he does it's just peanut butter bread or cereal.
These actually are signs of depression, in my opinion. Sometimes society associates "depression" with someone who can't even get out of bed or function, who is constantly crying, etc. But a doctor once described moderate depression to me as "the joy of life is just missing." He eats if you give him food, but he does not have the emotional fortitude to do any of that stuff for himself. However...the unfortunate reality is that even if he IS depressed (or has any other illness that can sometimes be misdiagnosed as depression), and a properly qualified medical professional diagnosed him as such and recommended anti-depressants (or other medications), there is nothing anybody can do to force him to take them or take an active role in reporting what is or isn't working for him, or force him to approach therapy in a way that is designed to work on the issues that may be contributing to the depression.

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Old 04-22-2016, 08:31 AM
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Well, I'm sorry he's having these symptoms, whatever the cause, and that you are having to stand by and watch since he chooses not to get real help.
My big concern is for your kids, living in this environment and watching this deterioration and inappropriate behavior, including yours. Are they in some kind of counseling, or Alateen meetings or anything? You and your husband are adults making the choice to live this way. They are being forced to experience this.
I don't mean that in a harsh way, but I grew up in a home with alcoholism, codependency and mental illness, and my brother and I didn't have any resources to deal with the situation. The people we were dependent on were so caught up in their own sicknesses that our world was a frightening and chaotic place. Full of unpredictable moods and crazy ups and downs. I am still dealing with the fallout from that at 38 years old.
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Old 04-22-2016, 10:03 PM
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Wife, I'm very sorry if I gave that impression. I don't recall saying anything like that, though. Believe me, to say anything to him about his clothes or lack of bathing would just be asking for a fight. I spent enough years crying, begging, yadda yadda yadda. I don't do anything like that anymore. As I mentioned somewhere in this thread, I do occasionally clean his dentures for him - but only because looking at the cup that's been sitting there for a week or more makes me gag! lol Entirely self preservation there! lol

Thanks, Wisconsin for the clarification. I know it *could* still be depression related. My whole issue is that something has changed - and continues to change, and the medical staff hasn't taken my concerns seriously. *shrug* What else can a person do though?

Thank you so much for your concern, Lady. I too get concerned about the kids. Over the years, they have done some counseling at various different times and, right now, they seem pretty open to talking to me most of the time. I have 4 teenagers and we spend a lot of late nights discussing all those important things that just can't be discussed before 11 PM! lol Right now, I couldn't be prouder or more pleased with the way they are turning out. Our eldest is about to leave for graduate school in fall. The next 3 all have part time jobs and it's so fun watching them grow into young adulthood. We also have a competitive gymnast, and then the two youngest who are 7 & 8, and just enjoy driving everyone else crazy!

Truly, I am very, very blessed. I have wonderful friends, we are all very active in our church, the kids have good friends and stay busy. It hasn't been an easy life - virtually raising 7 kids on my own - but it's a good life and I'm very content in it. It would be easy to be bitter, but honestly, I don't have the time or mental energy to spend on it! I am DONE crying and wishing for things to change or be different. I enjoy life and spend my precious energy doing things with people who appreciate me. BUT, I do, and will always, care for him because he is my husband. I have firm lines drawn in several places - no physical abuse, and he gets no money (when he is not stressed or feeling argumentative he is in agreement with this). Despite whatever his poor mind is telling him, I am and always will be his best cheerleader. I can't control what he says to others or how he perceives things. I can only control me and how I respond to him, and I choose "love," - not romantic, gushy love - real love - the kind that says, I'm here for you no matter what because it's the right thing to do; the kind that is hard work; the kind that doesn't ask for anything in return, demand, or present ultimatums. I know for a fact, as hard as it's been, I am a better person for it and I am grateful. I would not be the person I am today but for the difficulties I've been through, and, well, I kind of like who I've turned out to be so far! I am far, far, FAR from perfect and I give myself plenty of opportunities to learn from mistakes, but each day is a new one!

God bless, one and all, Jen
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Old 04-23-2016, 05:22 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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Wildrose....in case you may decide to become more proactive in getting your husband's condition evaluated by a neurologist......I do have a suggestion...
It is just my own thought....
That would be to contact the office of your local representative (House of Representatives)....and request their assistance with contacting the new head of Veterans Administration with your request. At least, this would spur them into an inquiry....
I know, from experience, that nothing gets attention like receiving an inquiry from higher administration offices.....
Especially, in light of the current spotlight on the functioning (and non-functioning) of the veterans healthcare system.....if you get my drift...lol....

My ex husband was able to get excellent assistance for his elderly mother's problems through the office of Frank Wolf (our representative, in Virginia)....
Her issues were different from you husbands (she was an immigrant from Northern Ireland)...but, nevertheless....it shows what can be done if one pursues the right channels......

I can see that you know the value and are already making the ongoing notes on his condition.....
I worked in neurology for a number of years, at o ne time....and, I can tell you that these kinds of notes from a family member are invaluable....many times, a diagnosis is made from history....
New changes are particularily noteworthy as well as worsening of any old symptoms.....

I think you are doing a valiant job, by the way......

dandylion
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