19, alcoholic dad. Please give advice

Old 04-20-2016, 06:18 PM
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Angry 19, alcoholic dad. Please give advice

Okay, so I'm 19 and in college and I live at home with my parents. My father has been what people call a "functional" alcoholic for about 10 years now- drinks on weekends, takes a huge nap, and it's back to normal- good job, good income, everything's fine. Lately it seems to deteriorate. First he wouldn't be drunk in front of me or my mother, or show up drunk to babysit my niece- now he does it anyways. He got a DUI a year ago and got his license revoked for a year. He's never acted violently, he just kind of slouches off and sleeps it off. A couple of months ago he ended up in the hospital overnight for alcohol withdrawal. His dad was also an alcoholic that died from a mix of causes including cirrhosis of the liver. Anyways, he drinks like that maybe once a month, sometimes more often, sometimes less.

I just feel very betrayed and upset. I've been coping and compartmentalizing this for years. Every time he does it it's like a slap in the face to me and my mom, yet if I openly say anything everyone acts like I'm the *******. He's refused family therapy and any sort of help. Our family looks good from the outside- my parents are two middle-class professionals, I'm a good student, have a social life, a career path, all that. I can't really share this with anyone that I know though, because I feel so embarassed. My best friend is part of the same ethnic community as me and I'm afraid to talk to her about it because I'm afraid rumours will spread, even though people kind of suspect already. The problem is that in our culture it's seen as kind of normal for men to drink heavily, and as long as the rest of the time they're caring and provide and stuff we're just supposed to suck it up and shut up.

I've been repressing all of this like crazy, trying not to notice, trying not to care, and it's hard because my family acts like it's not a big deal, like it's a tiny flaw in a great man, and either I move out and criticize or I stay (I really can't put enough hours at work to afford my own place and all that) and be a good daughter. My sister basically told me "but what does it change in your life anyways?" except she was old enough to be out of the house when this started happening. I basically don't have someone I can trust or even someone I can respect for a father. I have a therapist that I talk to about this. I react in immature ways and lash out at my dad because I don't confront him (I blasted rap music last time he was drunk and asleep. Another time, I suspected that he lost the key to my bike lock when he was drunk- I made such a big fuss out of it that he got mad and sawed off the bike lock and replaced it with a new one that isn't as good, so I demanded that he go buy me a good lock). The furthest I've gone to confront him is saying things like "oh well he's been drinking" in front of him, or "STOP DRINKING YOU'RE INSANE" when LockGate happened. I also feel uncomfortable giving him affection- he's a very closed-off man and seems to only be comfortable with hugs when he's drunk or in really intense family moments).

Basically, I know I'm being bratty. I just have no idea what is "the right thing" to say or to do in these situations. Confronting him obviously doesn't work. When I try to say something to my family, it's all about how great he is the rest of the time and everything he does for me. Except it's not enough, and I just need him to be normal and he refuses to be and it feels so personal.

Please give me any advice on how to deal with all of this. I just have no idea and I really want to live with a healthier mindset. Please don't suggest praying or anything because I am a staunch atheist, although I have tried just taking walks and my therapist has recommended meditation.

Also, any advice on how to act when he is drunk, or after ?
Thank you, sorry it's such a long post, I just have no one to talk to that can relate.
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Old 04-20-2016, 06:38 PM
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I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Just know that there are many families who may look neat and tidy on the outside who harbour a lot of family dysfunction.

There is nothing you can do about your dad's situation. Just focus on you and your school / work. You aren't a child anymore and do not need to be living at home, so it's your dad's house and he can do what he wants in it. If he chooses to drink, that is on him. All you can do is have a heart to heart discussion (when he is completely sober) and tell him how you feel without blaming. It's up to him whether he chooses sobriety or go down the path of his own father.

It's good that you are in therapy, good that you joined us, the more you are educated in the topic of alcoholism and codependency the better. Statistics are high for daughters of addicts to end up marrying someone like their father and therefore having a horrible relationship as a codependent. It's great that you are beginning to take measures now at 19.
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Old 04-20-2016, 06:55 PM
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Hi, thank you so much for your message.
I think the reason I'm having problems is that although I focus on other things I don't quite know how to deal with this part of my life. My therapist keeps saying how I repress it and don't want to acknowledge it as a coping mechanism- how do I focus on school and things while dealing with this issue in a healthy manner ? How do people pursue their interests while acknowledging a loved one's problem but not creating conflict every day ?
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Old 04-20-2016, 07:11 PM
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Wow. You are a very bright 19 y.o. And you have every right to feel as you do. It's a very sad to see someone who should be a role model deteriorate before your eyes.
Your dad is going to continue drinking until he's ready to quit. It's super frustrating to those of us who have never had the problem. If you can get to an Alateen meeting, it might help you a great deal. And stay connected through here as well. As far as the bratty part, it's completely understandable. Its a way of communicating without actually confronting him. Focus on your future and do what's best for you. Don't let anyone get in the way of your goals.
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Old 04-20-2016, 07:17 PM
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I'm glad you are here!! Seriously, I wish I had come here when I was 19...would have saved me a lot of pain and suffering and educated me on what to do and not do. My father is an alcoholic-functioned quite well at a very high level for years (at work ) but our home life was awful growing up. He's not functioning well anymore. I too turned to alcohol to cope and ended up being abusing the heck out if it. I married an alcoholic. My exs father died of alcoholism. Countless aunts and uncles and cousins are alcoholics. My mothers parents were both alcoholics. See the lovely family tree? It's a generational curse....the drinking and the denial.
You focus on you. He will do what he's going to do and either quit or not. That's not up to you. It sounds like you have a great head on you so don't let him get in the way of your life and your dreams and goals.

Hugs and peace to you! Please keep sharing
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Old 04-20-2016, 07:54 PM
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Originally Posted by INgal View Post
Wow. You are a very bright 19 y.o. And you have every right to feel as you do. It's a very sad to see someone who should be a role model deteriorate before your eyes.
Your dad is going to continue drinking until he's ready to quit. It's super frustrating to those of us who have never had the problem. If you can get to an Alateen meeting, it might help you a great deal. And stay connected through here as well. As far as the bratty part, it's completely understandable. Its a way of communicating without actually confronting him. Focus on your future and do what's best for you. Don't let anyone get in the way of your goals.
Thank you for your message ! Honestly wow this thread amazes me. Thank you so much for your support.

My therapist has recommended that I go to Alateen but I'm still very uncomfortable discussing all of this and have been made to feel like his habit is "not so bad" compared to other alcoholics, so I'm a bit insecure about having it "easier" than other people.. Also, isn't Alateen religious ? I've had bad experience in faith-based spaces. How open-minded are they, how much of the discussion is centered around God ?
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Old 04-20-2016, 07:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls View Post
I'm glad you are here!! Seriously, I wish I had come here when I was 19...would have saved me a lot of pain and suffering and educated me on what to do and not do. My father is an alcoholic-functioned quite well at a very high level for years (at work ) but our home life was awful growing up. He's not functioning well anymore. I too turned to alcohol to cope and ended up being abusing the heck out if it. I married an alcoholic. My exs father died of alcoholism. Countless aunts and uncles and cousins are alcoholics. My mothers parents were both alcoholics. See the lovely family tree? It's a generational curse....the drinking and the denial.
You focus on you. He will do what he's going to do and either quit or not. That's not up to you. It sounds like you have a great head on you so don't let him get in the way of your life and your dreams and goals.

Hugs and peace to you! Please keep sharing
Thanks for your kind and encouraging words. Alcoholism is definitely something in my family that I try to be aware of and keep far away from (my very short-lived ex used alcohol to cope with an anxiety disorder, and it's one of the reasons it didn't work out). I wish you all the best !!
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Old 04-20-2016, 08:31 PM
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You would find a ton of support in alanon. Also, celebrate recovery is another option. Check them out
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Old 04-20-2016, 08:58 PM
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Originally Posted by ndlc08 View Post
Thanks for your kind and encouraging words. Alcoholism is definitely something in my family that I try to be aware of and keep far away from (my very short-lived ex used alcohol to cope with an anxiety disorder, and it's one of the reasons it didn't work out). I wish you all the best !!
Although you are still very young and have a long life ahead of you, it's good that you and your AXbf didn't work out. Although, be very careful not to fall into the same pattern of falling for the wrong guys. On a subconscious level, people tend to pick partners that resemble their family dynamic in someway. Eg. An addict and a codependant almost always choose each other.

In terms of how to cope with your feelings, venting about it helps. If you can't talk to friends about them due to embarrassment, thank goodness for technology and forums like this.

I understand that money is an issue being a student but what about finding very cheap rent somewhere with a roommate?
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Old 04-20-2016, 09:13 PM
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Originally Posted by alcoholics wife View Post
Although you are still very young and have a long life ahead of you, it's good that you and your AXbf didn't work out. Although, be very careful not to fall into the same pattern of falling for the wrong guys. On a subconscious level, people tend to pick partners that resemble their family dynamic in someway. Eg. An addict and a codependant almost always choose each other.

In terms of how to cope with your feelings, venting about it helps. If you can't talk to friends about them due to embarrassment, thank goodness for technology and forums like this.

I understand that money is an issue being a student but what about finding very cheap rent somewhere with a roommate?
I have one friend outside of the *ethnic* community that I comfortable talking to about this, so I'll definitely ask her to lend an ear, she's been very supportive.

I am thinking more and more about moving out- I would need to work more hours, a lot more (right now I work more for the prestige of the place, the number of hours is negligible) and probably take out a loan, though, because I don't know how right it would be and how much I could ask my parents to help out, and I don't know if this is the right decision but since the situation at home is unpleasant but not exactly precarious (yet) I'd rather wait it out a little more rent-free. It doesn't exactly interfere with my everyday life- it's more that it's emotionally draining when I let it become emotionally draining, so yeah, I'd rather be away from it. I also feel guilty about leaving my mother alone even though I probably shouldn't.

Moving out is definitely on my mind and my parents know that very clearly, although they act offended when I mention that I would like to. Why would I, right? Everything is so perfect ! *sarcasm*
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Old 04-21-2016, 06:05 AM
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I also struggled with my parents' drinking, in fact I used to dread it when Dad came home with beer because they'd be there all night drinking. Mum was nasty, Dad just more mellow. It upset family life for me and my sisters when we were in our teens.

You're a bit older, more mature now. Have you talked to your mother about this? Or is it something you can't raise with her? You might also want to tell your father how you feel, but focus on being worried about him, not just on your own feelings.

It won't necessarily help him, or get him to admit he has a problem, but you will experience some relief and possibly not feel the need to act out.

I'm a dedicated atheist too, but I'd still go to AA if I felt I needed it. Give Al-ateen a go, you can then judge for yourself, and as you don't have many people you can talk to I'm sure you'd benefit from meeting other's in the same situation.
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Old 04-21-2016, 06:52 AM
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It sounds like your family are all in big denial about alcoholism. Usually those who are functioning alcoholics are in the biggest denial about drinking because they aren't that "homeless, drunk, dirty, scruffy man who talks to himself" you have painted the picture of what an alcoholic looks like. My husband is a functioning alcoholic, he goes to work everyday, he's good looking, athletic built, but once he is off work the beers come out. It took him a while before he knew he had a problem. He will be going into rehab in 2 days. But there are many functioning alcoholics who will probably be in denial forever (my ex bf was one of them).
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Old 04-21-2016, 07:01 AM
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Hello and welcome. My heart hurts for you.

I think that your therapist is saying not to repress the feelings in that you need a face to face network of support. I am thinking that the stress of hiding this from your friends must be very intense. I hid my Xhusbands drinking for a long time. Low and behold, most knew anyways! The day I stopped hiding it, and reached out with love, is the day my life truly did change.

I was honest with friends and family, I kept the focus on me, that I need a support system to go to in times of need. After all, isn't that what friends and family are for? I encourage you to reach out and gain that support network for you as well.

As far as what to do when he is drinking, you are 19. Are you involved with many things socially? If not, let's think of something for you to focus on that can be a positive in your life. What do you like to do? Create something to take the focus off of your dad and his drinking.

Lastly, my daughter's therapist encouraged her to write a letter to her dad. It was kind and loving, but did explain how his drinking affects her, and how it makes her feel. It was very good for her to do this. It took a long time to build the courage to write it and give it to him, but it did help her.

Keep posting here at SR. This is a place of great support and encouragement. We will be here for you.
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Old 04-21-2016, 07:35 AM
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ndlc......If your cul ture sees heavy drinking as the norm.....then I can GURANTEE that there is a lot of alcoholism in their families that they keep "hidden" from view.
secrecy is pretty much the norm in alcoholic families......The secrecy is o ne of the factors that allows the alcoholism to flourish ........who knew?

Actually, alth o ugh alanon is a good organization, I feel that "Adult Children of Alcoholics" is probably more specific to your needs, right now.
We have a forum for Adult Children, here on SR.....Maybe, check it out....

Also, remember t hat it is not a "contest" about who has it worse, or not, with their alcoholic....
If it is a problem to you....IT IS A PROB LEM. Each person's problem is important to themselves!

In alanon or Adult Children of Alcoholics....nobody is going to push religion onto you.....(it is not the same as church)......
Each person is respected. There are aethesists in all of the organizations that we have discussed, here, and, they seem to do just fine.....lol.....

Regarding the immediate arguments and conflicts with your father....you might want to use the tool of detachment......th at can "cool" down the household tension (for you) to some extent.....it won't solve the whole problem....but, it can buy you some mental space right now.....

**if you are interested in the detach ment tool....let us know and we can helo you......(there is a lot of experience on this forum).....

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Old 04-21-2016, 08:08 AM
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I really relate to your situation. My dad is an addict and at about your age is really when I started acknowledging how it affected me. The thing many people don't understand is that even though the addict may not be strung out in the street or broke and drunk 24/7 some of the worst effects of addiction are minor. The personality changes, the emotional instability, the shame of feeling you are different, and for me the shame of feeling like I didn't have a strong father to protect and nurture me. I'm glad you're in therapy, I started at your age too. I really second alanon and read as many books on addiction as you can. Adult child of alcoholics meetings might help too. Stay active here. Forums like this are great for support when you feel alone.
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Old 04-21-2016, 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted by ndlc08 View Post

Every time he does it it's like a slap in the face to me and my mom, yet if I openly say anything everyone acts like I'm the *******.
Welcome, and I am so very sorry for what brings you here.

You've received a lot of great support and feedback, and I echo what everyone else has said. I wanted to add one thing, though, and it's in response to your statement above. Your father does not drink AT you or your mom. He doesn't do it with the intention or purpose of hurting you guys. In fact, his drinking is not about you guys at all. He is an alcoholic, and he is doing what alcoholics do. That was a very difficult concept for me to understand as I was learning about alcoholism.

Like you, my STBXAH is in an environment where virtually every body abuses drugs or alcohol. It's related to his job/career, not his culture, but the end result is the same. He is surrounded by it all the time, and that can make it even more difficult to quit and seek recovery. However, my STBXAH did have several solid years or recovery and sobriety, even amidst that environment. The responsibility for your father's drinking rests with your father, and your father alone. If he wants to get sober and seek recovery, he will find a way to do it regardless of cultural or environmental factors.

Just keep the focus on yourself. Your father will drink, or he won't. The question is, what are YOU going to do?
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Old 04-21-2016, 09:42 AM
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Ndlc, my AlAnon group is not religious. Yes, there are references to "higher powers" but that can mean whatever you want it to mean. In a nutshell, the higher power thing is about knowing that YOU yourself cannot control what the alcoholic does, so therefore, focus on you and let it go. For me, the best part of th meetings is knowing these lovely people who are in exactly the same predicament I'm in and who understand. We share, but no one has to speak at all. It's so liberating and has helped me look at things in a different perspective. I had to try two different groups till I found a good fit. At 19, you could also try AlAnon. Find a group with younger people as well. Good luck!
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Old 04-22-2016, 05:51 AM
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ndlc, check our your local area to see if there is a local alanon group. Keep posting here because you will have people who can understand you and give you advice from their own experiences. There is another group called Bottled Up that provide materials you can use at home.

None of this is your fault. Your mother and sister are probably in denial, this is typical of co dependent behaviour. You need to know there is nothing you can do to change your father's behaviour. You need alanon materials to help you handle this.
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Old 04-22-2016, 05:37 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Hello and welcome. My heart hurts for you.

I think that your therapist is saying not to repress the feelings in that you need a face to face network of support. I am thinking that the stress of hiding this from your friends must be very intense. I hid my Xhusbands drinking for a long time. Low and behold, most knew anyways! The day I stopped hiding it, and reached out with love, is the day my life truly did change.

I was honest with friends and family, I kept the focus on me, that I need a support system to go to in times of need. After all, isn't that what friends and family are for? I encourage you to reach out and gain that support network for you as well.

As far as what to do when he is drinking, you are 19. Are you involved with many things socially? If not, let's think of something for you to focus on that can be a positive in your life. What do you like to do? Create something to take the focus off of your dad and his drinking.

Lastly, my daughter's therapist encouraged her to write a letter to her dad. It was kind and loving, but did explain how his drinking affects her, and how it makes her feel. It was very good for her to do this. It took a long time to build the courage to write it and give it to him, but it did help her.

Keep posting here at SR. This is a place of great support and encouragement. We will be here for you.
I had a long talk with my therapist and she explained the same thing that you did, so I'm going to try to find a happy medium between not repressing and not lashing out by opening up to more people and learning to be more at peace with myself. I'm involved in a bunch of things- friends, job, volunteering, hobbies, so I'll stick to them and enjoy myself. Thank you for your comment, it was helpful in kind of linking the therapist's advice with more day-to-day issues I'm facing.
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Old 04-22-2016, 05:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Ap052183 View Post
I really relate to your situation. My dad is an addict and at about your age is really when I started acknowledging how it affected me. The thing many people don't understand is that even though the addict may not be strung out in the street or broke and drunk 24/7 some of the worst effects of addiction are minor. The personality changes, the emotional instability, the shame of feeling you are different, and for me the shame of feeling like I didn't have a strong father to protect and nurture me. I'm glad you're in therapy, I started at your age too. I really second alanon and read as many books on addiction as you can. Adult child of alcoholics meetings might help too. Stay active here. Forums like this are great for support when you feel alone.
Thank you, it kind of sucks that we're so many in these situations but it is reassuring to hear that I'm not alone. I think I'll be doing all that as I get more comfortable.
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