Poppet35

Hi,
I'm new on here and I'm the partner of an alcoholic. It's taken me a long time to realise that she is and over the 8 years we have been together I have let my life be badly affected by it to the point that my mental health suffered and I ended up taking medication to help me.
We moved house recently and things have been so much worse. We moved house to be near her family and things have been dreadful. I find myself reacting to her moods, working my life around her drinking, tiptoeing around in the morning whilst she sleeps things off, having to listen to her complain about feeling tired and not understanding why, that she never has enough time in the day (her day doesn't start til noon). I've changed my life to accommodate her drinking but it's only recently that I have realised that.
The relationship has been messy for many years, and I never seem to be able to do things right, or explain things. She only wants to talk about stuff when she's had a drink and then of course it all goes very wrong. I've recently started to lay boundaries down about talking when she's had a drink but she takes it badly and bangs and crashed around and won't let me sleep and so on. It's almost like she pushes and pushes and pushes and the more I try and understand what she wants from me the more confused I get. I have huge holes in my memories because of anxiety brought on by all these problems. I know my mental health is beginning to suffer again because I have started to lose my temper and get very very cross - this was a symptom I had before I got my pills.
Last week I felt so very ill after a big fight and I put it down to stress, I have never felt like that before. Luckily she is away at work now and I can start to mend myself.
We talked about how her drinking had affected my life and initially she seemed to understand but after mulling it over she's now decided that our problems are not because of her drinking. Apparently it's my fault she drinks and she doesn't drink when I'm not around.
ooof... There's plenty more to it but... Just looking for some support.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. The issue is of course pretty simple, although it does not seem that way. She's an addict. She is not going to change, she's already looking for excuses and other people to blame, namely, you.

I was once in a relationship like this, with my X husband. I too had become angry, and felt mentally ill. I realized it was changing me as a person, I had become anxiety ridden, full of stress, and very angry. And, so very unhappy.

I hope you have some face to face support as well. Keep posting here, you are not alone, and it's ok to come here to get those feelings out. We understand.

dandylion

Poppet35.....Welcome.....
What kind of support would you like, at this point?

Have you done much reading, here, on the forum? (How much do you know about alcoholism?)
dandylion

honeypig

Hi, Poppet, and welcome to SR. I'm going to echo dandylion and suggest that you read around the forum as much as you can. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Educating yourself about alcoholism is a top priority--it's really hard to deal w/the situation or to make decisions when you don't understand what's going on or why or what you can and can't do about it.

SR is a great resource, no doubt--Alanon is great for some face-to-face support and I'd recommend looking into that, too. The two have been a powerful force for change in my own life.

Again, welcome to SR. Keep reading, keep posting, keep on coming back! I wish you strength and clarity as you begin your journey of recovery.

dandylion

Poppet.....honeypig makes a good point....the more you understand, the easier it is to make decisions ......
Knowledge is power.....

dandylion

Poppet35

Thank you for all your replies.
I'm trying to educate myself on the do's and don'ts of living and with an alcoholic.
I've just started reading your helpful links - discovered my blanking of memory is Dissociation caused by boundary crossing.
I've got a lot to learn, enabling, getting on with my own life, setting boundaries etc. I wish I'd stumbled upon your site earlier but I'm here now and going to educate myself.
I have family to talk to which I have, they know what is happening, they think I'm mad to still be here, my parents didn't want me to move but hey ho we all make our mistakes.
I am determined to not let my physical and mental health be harmed anymore.
Thank you for being here and helping and offering support. Reading some of the posts I think I'm luckier than most on here, but I know that is a trap I have set myself in my mind (plus my oh say's "at least I'm not violent when I'd drunk") but it's all harmful whatever the level.

Tbh I'm not sure exactly what support I'm needing, possibly the need to get things off my chest and to share what's happening in my life with people who are going through or have experienced the same. To know that i'm not mad. To believe that it's not my fault she drinks. to know that this is not normal behaviour - the list goes on.

Thank you for your kind words of support

Liveitwell

Nice to "meet" you. I have been there, friend. I suffered from anxiety, depression and a severe case of feeling like I was going insane after years of lies and increasingly disturbing behavior and excuses. What helped me was getting help for myself. My ex did exactly what you describe...blamed me, the marriage, anything but himself for why he was drinking. He to this day refuses to see HE is his own biggest problem-he's an addict. Needless to say, I do understand where you are at and how upsetting it is to deal with a relationship with an addict.

What can we do to better support you?

Peace to you!

Liveitwell

You are wise to come here for validation-we have all been there and being validated is so important. You will never get validation from your partner, as long as addiction is número uno.

atalose

Let’s take a look at your luckier stuff.

Your relationship has brought you to the need to have to take medication.
You must work your life around HER drinking.

You must tiptoe around in the morning so as not to wake her while she sleeps it off.

You have changed your life to accommodate her drinking.

She can only talk about important stuff while drinking.

So the important stuff talked about is through thoughts from an alcohol soaked brain.

Often you are unable to sleep due to her not getting her way and having temper tantrums.

This is the toxic relationship the two of you have built for the past 8 years, how many more years of luckier than most do you plan on getting?

I would highly suggest you seek out an al-anon meeting for yourself as well as seek some therapy to help you understand why you’ve spent the last 8 years being treated like a doormat and how you can help yourself become a stronger person who can live without this kind of a toxic relationship.

AdelineRose

Welcome to SR, this is an amazing resource and place to find support, learn, and a place to see you truly aren't alone in this!

I am sorry you are suffering so much, you are lucky to have family to talk to , mine family has literally saved my life in supporting me in my addiction and being there for me with issues with my loved one who is now also in recovery. The real answer to most of your troubles is easy to say and extremely hard to do, leave her. What are you getting out of this relationship? Maybe it would help to put things in perspective if you make a list of pros and cons of the relationship. She is an alcoholic, it has nothing to do with you- it is her decision. Just like she makes the decision to continue drinking, you can make the decision not to live like that anymore. Boundaries can be extremely helpful and life changing. Boundaries might seem hard at first, but once you start sticking to them and seeing how effective they are they slowly become easier and easier to stick to.

Keep posting and reaching out. You are worth it, keep taking steps to put yourself first, even if they are super small..it is still a step forward to getting your physical and mental health on the right track.

HUGS

Adeline

Mags1

Hi poppet and welcome to SR. Some great help and experiences of people who are in a similar situation as yourself.

ladyscribbler

I remember living like that. Everything in my life revolved around someone else's moods, choices, behavior. I had no real will or goals of my own other than to avoid conflict, keep everyone happy and make sure I wasn't giving them "reasons" to be angry or get drunk or whatever. It was awful. I hated myself. I hated my life.
I didn't see that I had choices. I felt trapped and helpless because I thought the solutions to all of my problems revolved around other people- THEY needed to get sober, THEY needed to treat me better, THEY needed to change.
My life didn't get better until I started setting and enforcing boundaries, the main one being, "I will not live with active alcoholism." I started going to counseling. I started attending Alanon meetings. I started taking care of my health, mental and physical. Other people are going to do whatever they want, and that's their right. You have the right to care for yourself and remove yourself from unnecessary stress, abuse and active addiction.

maia1234

P,
Welcome, glad you found us. We are a good group of people who have lived through stuff that people wouldn't believe. I see you are down playing all the stuff your partner is putting you through over the last few years. It's crazy how addicts groom their partners to accept this behavior and finally you can't take it any longer.

What happens, is the addict in your life doesn't have an issue with her drinking, but you do. So what does that mean, you have the problem not her. So trying to talk to the addict and get them to understand is really not reasonable. So how are you going to "get" healthy.

I would seek out a therapist that specializes in addiction. I would hit some alanon meetings and open AA meetings. I would keep reading all over the SR forum, as education is power. You will learn stuff that will blow your mind. What will happen is you will change and she won't understand what is going on. This will empower you to be the healthier person.

Hugs my friend, I hope you keep coming back and asking questions.

Poppet35

Thank you for all your responses. It made me cry but I've taken the first step - I've found some therapists and contacted them to get initial meetings with them. The "it's my problem that I have a problem about her drinking" makes so much sense - it changes nothing when I tell her it's causing me problems so I need to deal with my problem with her drinking.
The relationship is a car crash (so many problems and issues that have grown over the years) and reading what some of you have also been through I can see myself. Thank you.
I also found Al-anon (local ish) but I have kids so getting to meetings might be a little difficult but I shall try.
Why is it so hard to walk away? My sister keeps saying to me "If I was telling you that this was happening to me what would you tell me to do sis?" And she's right. But will I listen - no. I don't even know if I love her anymore. The resentments and bitterness are so big now.
We've not long moved to a lovely house and now we are attached financially which before it was my house and I could ask her to leave. In my darkest moments I regret moving because I have trapped myself.

Hawkeye13

No you haven't--houses can be sold and you can get your life back.

maia1234

P,
You love your partner and want to help her. We all get it as everyone on this forum loves an addict. If it was that easy, there would be no reason for sr. Our addicts are God's children also, and they deserve respect. They have a horrible disease.

You have to educate yourself and get stronger, then make decisions on your future. They say in alanon not to make any decisions for at least 6 months, because your life is in such chaos. Sit back, take a deep breath and figure out what you need to do for yourself and your kids.

We are here for you, day and night. Go and read the new to recovery forum, and see how addicts struggle, after you finish reading the stickies on f&f.

Sending hugs, there is hope and a positive future for you my friend, you will smile again!!

Poppet35

I think I'm afraid to be alone. I met my ex when I was 18, divorced at 31 cos met current partner.
There is so much more to this than I can explain. I feel like it's all my fault because I didn't make things better. She kept saying she wasn't happy and that I didn't/don't love enough, don't show I love her, that it's such an easy fix but I don't know what that is and get confused.
I sat today, during my lunch break and ranted onto a piece of paper. All the needs she wants me to address but how she doesn't address them herself but somehow it's my fault because I don't address them. I wrote her a letter trying to explain my thoughts and I asked 4 things of her (at the end), to reduce her drinking, that we only talk when no drinking has happened (i.e.important talk), that she stop threatening to sleep with other people and that the past doesn't get dragged up every time we disagree - she took them as instructions to obey so I might feel something for her. She completely overlooked the part where I said I was struggling with anxiety, or that my mental health was suffering, more intent on pointing out that I hadn't addressed her needs anywhere.
I've got two emails from therapists for initial meetings - for some reason I haven't replied - I'm finding it hard to do so.

ladyscribbler

I had one appointment with a therapist when I was still with my ex. I think the reason I never went back was because I wasn't ready to face the truth about our relationship.
Your partner has no reason to want to change. Everything she is doing is working for her. She gets all the attention, love, sympathy, caring. All while still being able to drink and treat others however she wants without real consequences. She gets to keep you off balance with threats and abuse as you spend more time and energy catering to her every whim, trying to be "perfect enough" so that she will finally stop the abuse because she will realize how lucky she is to be with you and start treating you properly.
I wasted years on those same types of fantasies, trying to do everything perfectly the way he said he wanted so that he would change and finally be a true and loving partner to me. I made myself sick worrying about how he would react to everything, trying to take on the world and twist everyone's reality to suit his moods. That's a roller coaster that can last forever, because people like that are black holes. There's not enough love, caring, attention, money, time or resources in the world to fulfill them. Whatever someone gives is not enough. Instead of filling, the hole expands until it sucks away entire lives.
Thanks for sharing here. I know this is hard and scary.

dandylion

poppet......it is possible to feel alone, while still in the midst of a relationship.....

feeling alone can, sometimes, be more than not having a person in your immediate environment space.....
It can also mean not feeling "heard" or "seen"....not feeling l ike you matter, and that your thoughts and opinions are important, also!

there is the thing of fear of "abandonment", also. Like losing the symbiotic relationship with ones first primary caregiver......All humans are subject to this in one degree or another.
It is a big factor when it causes us to cling to a relationship that is destructive to our self or outright abusive.....

All relationships are like a dance....we move in relation to the other....llike a Argentine Tango....lol......
so, it is possible that there is enough blame to go around on both fronts....

One thing is for sure, though, it is impossible to assess what is going on until the alcoholism (or any addiction) is removed from the picture.....

Your first responsibility is to take care of your own welfare....because, nobody else is going to....

I ask you to please don't let your desperation to hold on to this relationship cause you not to get the therapy to support you......
Denying yourself help will only drag out the ongoing misery......

dandylion

atalose

Aren’t you pretty much alone already? Alone with your emotions because she can’t hear beyond her own needs which is the bottle. You are alone with anxiety, which she clearly can’t help you address that. You are alone with your needs which is overlooks and doesn’t hear or care about.

You are bargaining away your integrity here just for the sake of a “relationship” because selling your soul to this devil appears better to you than living life by yourself?