alcoholics wife

Throughout our entire relationship (8 years) my AH has been drinking on a daily basis (minus the time he quit cold turkey for a few months but relapsed). I'm glad my AH realizes he has a problem and for the past couple of weeks claiming that he is looking forward to rehab and ready for a change. I can't help but have my doubts he will remain sober for the long hull. I keep going back to that time when he stayed sober for a few months only to fall back into the same old habits. Mind you, back then he tried to do it on his own without any rehab, AA, support system etc. But I'm also a realist and don't want to be too hopeful about rehab only to get my hopes come crashing down if he doesn't maintain his sobriety. I know the statistics of addiction and rehab and they aren't favourable.

On another note, I can't wait until he is out of the house. My AH has been drinking more than usual as a last "goodbye" to alcohol forever before he enters rehab. His excessive drinking leading up to his stay in rehab makes me concerned that he doesn't truly want to change. I'm not an alcoholic or expert, but I would imagine addicts who really want to give up their drug of choice would dwindle down their intake before checking into rehab.

I'm trying to take things day by day but a few days seems so long. I just can't wait until he is gone!!

Flavia2

I agree - I'm obviously no expert but the "one last binge" seems suspect and it sounds like he thinks rehab will be an easy way to stop.

Staying stopped once he resumes his life is another story.

leviathan

Speaking from the other side here. "Last Hoorahs" are extremely common. Whether or not he's serious, don't take the last hoorah drinking into account. It's stupid, but most of us recovered folks did it.

Hawkeye13

I suggest you continue your recovery, and move forward with the idea
it doesn't matter if he is or isn't serious about kicking the addiction.

You can get on with your own life either way.
Sounds cold, but how much life energy are you willing to spend on his problem?
I've been on both sides, and I wasted a lot of time trying to help my mom, who
had no real desire to do the work to recover.
When I quit, there was no mistaking in my mind or to others around me
it was for real.

You'll be able to tell even from a distance

Jaguar55

Skepticism is a reasonable response I think. You simply won't know until you know, have to wait and see. At least it's something new instead of the same ole same ole.

hopeful4

I remember when my X went to rehab. He said he could not believe when he got there almost everyone checking in was wasted from that one last binge. Ugh.

The thing about addiction is that no matter how much time elapses, there will always be the risk of relapse. That is either something you can live with, or not. For myself I found that I could not live like that, among other things.

atalose

2 days is a long way off for an A so try not to set your expectations to high.

I think the wise thing for you to do if he goes to rehab is amp up your own recovery. Get to some al-anon meetings – jump head first into you!!!!

alcoholics wife

Thanks all. Yes, I've been focusing on me. This literally is the last straw in our relationship. I'm not willing to live my life with an addict and that fact, I'm at total peace with. I would leave tomorrow if he decided that he isn't any longer willing to reach sobriety and that's why to me a few days of him hanging around the house still drunk seems so long. Although last night I convinced him to go to a friends house so I can have the place to myself to do my own thing.

The reason why I really want him to maintain sobriety is because I'm at that age where I'm in my 30's and ready to bear children in the near future before my maternal clock stops ticking. I refuse to bring a child into this world with an addicted father (although my AH has always said that he would kick his addiction once a child enters this world but although his intentions may be there, I do know how powerful the effects of addiction is and I can not believe such non-sense until he maintains at least a year of sobriety).

I guess I'm just fearful that he will not maintain sobriety, I will need to leave him and start my love quest all over at an age where I may not ever bear children of my own.

hopeful4

I will say that watching my children suffer the consequences from my Xhusband's addiction has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I am really glad you are aware of those challenges and are applying that in your own life.

Many hugs!

atalose

If this were me and knowing what I know today about alcoholism/addiction which is lifelong. I would cut my losses, grieve and move on to a life NOT revolved around addiction.

Knowing what I know today I would not bring a child into alcoholism/addiction where the chance of relapse will always be one bad decision away.

Liveitwell

Happy to hear you will not bring a child into this world with an addict. I could not agree more with hopeful. Seeing my exs choices and behavior and how it has affected his kids is the hardest thing I've ever witnessed. It's truly disgusting and sickening. My ex too swore up and down that he wouldn't drink once we had kids-bc he didn't want our kids to grow up in the chaos and abuse like he did with his alcoholic maniac father-either his intentions were not honorable (lying to me to tell me what I wanted to hear) or the addiction was stronger than his desires....either way it didn't matter bc as I feared would happen, I brought two children into an increasingly volatile situation with a spiraling addict hellbent on taking us all down with him. I got myself and our kids off the crazy train.

You would be wise to walk away, seek someone that can actually BE a partner for you as an addict cannot have a real intimate trusting relationship with anything but their DOC.

Hugs and peace to you!

CaveGirl

Try not to worry about having kids... Potential to not have kids isn't a reason to stay if he isn't serious. Women are having kids later and if not there are many options to have a kid in your life.

Food for thought:

Growing up my dad was (and is) an alcoholic. I love him very much, he's the rare alcoholic that never missed work, always paid the bills and was never mean or violent. BUT... He was never 100% present, he forgets our conversations.... Which really hurts. Growing up as an only child raised by a single alcoholic father (ah the 80s) I have learned that to be normal and subsequently almost all of my relationships were with varying degrees of bad behavior around booze. I think some of it is becUse I'd be embarrassed to bring a normal person to visit him. (He's very sweet but he gets druuuuuuuunk every night and my step mom does too and she is not sweet)

My dad is great in so many ways... But dang do I wish I grew up without that mess in my life.

Magichappens

Hi alcoholics wife.
Though you may get a lot of conflicting advice, you are in a place where people understand what you are going through, and won't judge you. Alcoholism and addiction are life destroyers for the whole family. Getting help and support for yourself is key to getting through this, with or without the alcoholic.

Alcoholism poisons our mind, and cripples our reasoning. It takes time and support to recover. Take advantage of the time he is away to tend to your own healing. You deserve peace and happiness. I found that in the Alanon program, though there are many avenues. Just take the time to care for yourself. If not, that poison can stay with you and those you love for the rest of your life.

Wishing you the best! Magic

AdelineRose

As a recovered addict I can tell you the "one last binge" is extremely common, but I know when I was personally truly ready for recovery I didn't do that, I felt like when I did one last binge I was feeling as if I was about to give something up I loved, and this time I knew I wasn't losing anything by quitting, I was instead gaining my freedom, life, and self respect and self worth back.

As a loved one of an addict, all I can say is please use this time to focus on YOU. It is extremely stressful and hard to live with an addict, take this time to do whatever you feel you need to do to better YOU and improve YOU. No one can make him want recovery but himself, all you can change or control is how you react, how you feel, and how you decide to handle life.

Have you considering making a personal boundary of that you won't live with an active alcoholic? Just like he can choose to come back and continue drinking, you are able to choose to refuse to live like that.

This time would be perfect for counseling and really leaning on friends and family

HUGS

AdelineRose

I just saw that you said that and if having a child made people get sober then we wouldn't have babies being born addicted and withdrawing, we wouldn't have so many kids in foster care because their parents are drug addicts, and we wouldn't have so many people who have grown up in a home with an addicted parent.

You already know that because from what you said it seems you know that words are all nice and well but actions is what matters. I just felt the need to elaborate on how that doesn't work for anyone that has any doubt about whether having a child would fix a drug problem.

You are a strong, intelligent, caring, and loving woman. You can do anything you put your mind too,.

alcoholics wife

Thank you. I think In his mind, he truly thinks he would be a good father, a present father, a "non-pissed drunk in front of the kids" father. I do believe his intentions are from a good place, but addiction causes mind altering realities. I do fully understand that children doesn't fix anything and only causes more stress and tension in an already messy marriage and My upbringing messed up my brother worse than myself. I will not repeat the same chaotic marriage my parents had.

ladyscribbler

I told myself that same thing, then turned around and had children with men who were like conglomerations of my abusive, alcoholic father and abusive, mentally ill, drug abusing, massively codependent mother. If I had it to do again with the self awareness I've gained in my recovery from my own codependency, I would work on choosing a partner who was not abusive, mentally ill or a substance abuser then hoping they got better. I would choose someone who was healthy to begin with. Waiting for your husband to take another crack at sobriety (if he still decides to try after this massive bender he's apparently on) so that you can start a family with him seems like a huge gamble if not repeating your traumatic childhood is the goal.
The day we brought our son home from the hospital my ex passed out drunk with his face in the dog's dish. Our son was 3 days old. The biggest regrets in my life are about knowingly subjecting my children to that type of behavior. Your husband could be sober for quite awhile and relapse like before. Having children is a stressor on any relationship, no matter what, it's a huge life change. But when you're with a partner whose response to stress is to drink or use, that stress is multiplied and so is the risk of relapse.

alcoholics wife

So my husband is back from rehab... I've seen a massive improvement in just his demeanour. More calm, less anxious, witty, intellectual, going to meetings on his own without me saying anything about it! I am trying not to think about the real possibility of a relapse and just take things day by day but I really wish that this sober, clearer minded man would be here to stay. I guess there are no guarantees in life. But I've also been conditioned to think skeptically.

mylifeismine

You have also been, as we all have, intermittently reinforced.

Intermittent Reinforcement ? Out of the FOG

redatlanta

It takes time to build trust. That's not being skeptical its being a realist and protecting yourself.

Glad to hear he came back wanting to continue to work on it. Some are drunk by the end of the day.