DorothyZ

Hello,

My boyfriend's daughter is an addict. We have been together for almost 7 years and I can't do it anymore. She's been in rehab 3x, mental hospitals 5x, arrested for prostitution, lying, stealing, skipping and dropping out of HS, multiple drugs, alcohol, and the latest is a heroin arrest and an overdose and is now in rehab again.

That was the final straw for me. My boyfriend has enabled this for years-giving her money, taking her on vacations, making excuses, rationalizing, saying "he's done with her" for a few months and then going back to old enabling patterns. I recently ended it with him and then he made a big push to commit to therapy and a support group for the first time. I cannot imagine what it's like for a parent-however, as a girlfriend, I just know my entire life will be centered around her addiction if I stick around.

I've worked really hard in my life to be at peace, have a good job, be productive, responsible and happy and I can't risk my mental and financial well-being for an addict anymore.

I feel horrible as I know he "needs" me right now-and I am just numb and cold to the whole thing. I'm depressed and withdrawn. I don't care about his daughter anymore. I know that is so cold. I am done with living a life connected to an addict. I do not want this young woman to ever be in my life. And I do love my boyfriend very much while at the same time, need to take care of my own mental and emotional well-being.

I realize I'm not a parent and am so sorry for parents who have to deal with this-including my boyfriend-but I have detached from it all and feel so heartless and cruel about feeling so numb. It has been my life for so many years.

Thank to anyone listening.

Delizadee

I think it might help you to look into al-anon as well as encouraging your (ex?) Bf too.

I certainly don't blame you.
She needs to find her bottom before she can connect the dots. And if your bf keeps helping her it will soften the blow and lengthen out her addict maturing and recovery.

least

Welcome to the family. Don't feel badly for doing what your heart tells you to do. Living with an addict is emotionally draining. It gets to a point where you have to step back and ask if you're willing to tolerate it. Sounds like you aren't. Addiction is a messy business and ruins lives. Not just the addicts' lives, but those close to them are drawn in too and it can suck them dry.

yinzer

How old is his daughter? I'm in a very similar situation and thankfully my husband was willing to go to counseling with me about the whole situation. The counselor said his daughter was a black hole of need, and she would suck the life out of us. We had to set boundaries with her...for example, perhaps allow one emergency or bit of money per month or whatever we agree to between the two of us.

You do need to detach, and if she is an adult and he's not willing to disentangle from the mess, then you'd do best to run from the situation.

DorothyZ

Thank you all for your words of advice and support. She is almost 21 now and I fear for our home and that he'll allow her to live there (she lived with us during HS and then back to her Moms). If I stayed in the relationship, I would absolutely go to Al-Anon.

I feel as if my BF is only in therapy to "get me back". I have been in therapy for a long time and in the past-anytime his daughter was out of control I was made to feel like it was my problem for being upset and angry and that I should go to my therapist to work it out and adapt because I didn't understand "her needs". It made me feel horrible. And I would always go to my therapist. He wouldn't go himself until we broke up.

Now that he is in therapy, I am fairly confident once she is out of rehab and if I return to the relationship, he will just revert back to enabling her as I've heard "I'm done with her" a million times.

uncorked

Ugh, I don't envy your position. The daughter sounds extremely troubled. My soon-to-be ex-husband's daughter (my stepdaughter) isn't an addict, but she has many, many issues and it was hell living like that. Like your BF, my H would coddle her, make excuses for her....she has borderline personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder and the entire household had to walk on eggshells. I don't blame you one bit for hitting the road. My stepdaughter is 23 and still lives with daddy-o. Sounds like you could be in the same position if you stay.

SweatyHands

I can't believe that my family stuck by me through my whole messy journey of addiction. That said, I would have completely understood and harbored no resentment if any of them needed to sever ties with me. I am almost 40, and I'm sure that it was trying for my step-father to have to console my mother for the hundredth time over my relapses and disintegrating health. Honestly, I really don't know what his feelings on the subject were, but in the end, no amount of love or sympathy from any of them could help me get sober. I had to make the decision for myself, and I had to do the dirty work of detoxing and committing to my recovery.

DorothyZ

Thank you all so much! This has really helped. My BF and I are taking a long break. He is now committed to going to therapy and Nar-Anon (and has been going for the last couple weeks-but is a long road). He is also taking is teenage son (who is a very nice and good kid) to Na-Anon with him. These were all his ideas and initiatives. He finally understands he needs to find tools to deal with his daughter and help his son through it and that I refuse to have my life controlled/dictated by an addicts behavior.

At this time, I will not go to Nar-Anon with him. I truly feel he needs to sort some things out on his own and I have supported his "enabling" for many years even though we have fought like mad over his decisions (but in the end allowing the enabling is just as bad as the enabling itself). I am pleased he has taken this step and finally understands this situation is beyond dire. Will see how it goes and IF we end up making it as a couple, I will be happy to go to Nar-Anon (I do go to regular therapy). For now, I need to step away and let him figure it out on his own to protect himself and his son and maybe save his daughters life-but really-to protect himself and his son as I have no more hope for the daughter (but could never say that-he must determine that). This may sound cold of me, but I need to protect myself for the time being. The cycle of "support/ignore the enabling" needs to stop somewhere.

Thanks again and to all those dealing with this issue-I hope you find your peace and well-being.