New to the group and to the recovery process
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 31
New to the group and to the recovery process
I stumbled upon this site quite by accident and I have been reading non-stop for two days hoping to find similar stories to my own.
My AH of 20 years is 32 days sober.
The first 15 days were pretty good. He was wprking hard, talking about respect, being present and loving. The past 2 weeks have been hell. He acts as though he is entitled to my constant happiness and joy in his recovery. I am proud of him but a month of not drinking (still using pot more than ever) does not fix 20 years of resentment. I am trying to wprk on being resposible for myself, for setting good examples for our children but he takes this as an attack on his sobriety. Last night He actually said to me "**** i should just drink and be happy because you treat me the same either way".....I do not know how else to explain to him that I cannot just play the perfect wife for him since he is sober for a month. I am exhausted. I am numb. I do not know what to do to help him.
I am an epic version of enabler. I admit that. I am working on it.
Any advice is appreciated and I handle constructive criticism like an adult so do not fret.
Thank you in advance.
My AH of 20 years is 32 days sober.
The first 15 days were pretty good. He was wprking hard, talking about respect, being present and loving. The past 2 weeks have been hell. He acts as though he is entitled to my constant happiness and joy in his recovery. I am proud of him but a month of not drinking (still using pot more than ever) does not fix 20 years of resentment. I am trying to wprk on being resposible for myself, for setting good examples for our children but he takes this as an attack on his sobriety. Last night He actually said to me "**** i should just drink and be happy because you treat me the same either way".....I do not know how else to explain to him that I cannot just play the perfect wife for him since he is sober for a month. I am exhausted. I am numb. I do not know what to do to help him.
I am an epic version of enabler. I admit that. I am working on it.
Any advice is appreciated and I handle constructive criticism like an adult so do not fret.
Thank you in advance.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Stacy.....I think that, if it were Me....I would just be honest (in a nice voice), with him.....
"Who are you doing this for?" " I am happy for you....but, I am not here to be your cheerleader. That is not my job. That is what you have AA members and your sponsor and counselor for.
I am still exhausted after 20years...." "Sobriety is it's own reward".
By the way....he is not in recovery if he is smoking marijuana. You don't have to get into that with him, though.....Again, that is not your job....
(but it is a good piece of information for you to know, for your own p urposes)....
dandylion
"Who are you doing this for?" " I am happy for you....but, I am not here to be your cheerleader. That is not my job. That is what you have AA members and your sponsor and counselor for.
I am still exhausted after 20years...." "Sobriety is it's own reward".
By the way....he is not in recovery if he is smoking marijuana. You don't have to get into that with him, though.....Again, that is not your job....
(but it is a good piece of information for you to know, for your own p urposes)....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 31
Thank you
Thank you so much for your reply. I am so "afraid" of what comes next that I am sticking to old habits of hiding feelings. I will bring this up tonight if there is peace.
I am not so good at reaching out for help so I really appreciate your time. Thank you again.
I am not so good at reaching out for help so I really appreciate your time. Thank you again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Hi Stacy. Sorry you're going through all of this. Glad you found us and aren't dealing with it alone anymore.
Whether he is drinking or not, smoking dope or not, you can seek out peace and serenity for yourself and your children. Have you looked into Alanon meetings at all? Having real life support from others who have lived with similar situations can really make a difference. I know several longtime members have said that early sobriety can be even harder than the drinking days, though him smoking pot means he's still in an altered mental state and not actually sober.
But that's his problem. You can only take care of yourself and the kids. Depending on their ages, you might look into finding an Alateen meeting for them. I grew up in an alcoholic home, and it has a huge impact on kids, even if they seem "fine." My dad drank and my mom self medicated a major mental illness with pot for many years. You're doing your best, but you don't have to hide and isolate and try to do it all alone anymore. Keep reaching out for support wherever you can. Thanks for posting.
Whether he is drinking or not, smoking dope or not, you can seek out peace and serenity for yourself and your children. Have you looked into Alanon meetings at all? Having real life support from others who have lived with similar situations can really make a difference. I know several longtime members have said that early sobriety can be even harder than the drinking days, though him smoking pot means he's still in an altered mental state and not actually sober.
But that's his problem. You can only take care of yourself and the kids. Depending on their ages, you might look into finding an Alateen meeting for them. I grew up in an alcoholic home, and it has a huge impact on kids, even if they seem "fine." My dad drank and my mom self medicated a major mental illness with pot for many years. You're doing your best, but you don't have to hide and isolate and try to do it all alone anymore. Keep reaching out for support wherever you can. Thanks for posting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Welcome Stacy,
I am a recovered heroin addict and a loved one of a recovering heroin addict and alcoholic so I kinda see both ends of the stick here.
As a recovered addict, HE IS NOT IN RECOVERY. Someone truly in recovery is focused on THEMSELVES and do not need everyone to fawn over them 24/7 in order to continue to be sober. Also, If he is still smoking pot he is not sober. I was a heroin addict but if I stopped injecting heroin and drank nonstop, or started doing meth then guess what...I might not be doing heroin but I am still a drug addict! He needs to want recovery for HIMSELF and the fact that he tries to threaten you with "oh I might as well drink because you treat me the same" shows he is still thinking like an addict because he is just looking for someone to blame using on which is what addicts tend to do.
As a loved one of an addict, you are not doing anything wrong. You are doing the right thing by working on yourself, being honest with your own faults, and looking for support and help. You are doing what you need to do FOR YOU and guess what YOU MATTER!!!! He has his addiction to worry about and you have your own to work on. Have you thought about counseling for yourself or going to alnon meetings? The more support the better because it is hell living with an addict and you deserve to be heard and helped too!
Don't let him bully you into acting anyway you do not feel like acting. You don't need to play the perfect wife because when the hell has he played the perfect husband anyway?! Continue to focus on yourself and do what feels right to you!
I am a recovered heroin addict and a loved one of a recovering heroin addict and alcoholic so I kinda see both ends of the stick here.
As a recovered addict, HE IS NOT IN RECOVERY. Someone truly in recovery is focused on THEMSELVES and do not need everyone to fawn over them 24/7 in order to continue to be sober. Also, If he is still smoking pot he is not sober. I was a heroin addict but if I stopped injecting heroin and drank nonstop, or started doing meth then guess what...I might not be doing heroin but I am still a drug addict! He needs to want recovery for HIMSELF and the fact that he tries to threaten you with "oh I might as well drink because you treat me the same" shows he is still thinking like an addict because he is just looking for someone to blame using on which is what addicts tend to do.
As a loved one of an addict, you are not doing anything wrong. You are doing the right thing by working on yourself, being honest with your own faults, and looking for support and help. You are doing what you need to do FOR YOU and guess what YOU MATTER!!!! He has his addiction to worry about and you have your own to work on. Have you thought about counseling for yourself or going to alnon meetings? The more support the better because it is hell living with an addict and you deserve to be heard and helped too!
Don't let him bully you into acting anyway you do not feel like acting. You don't need to play the perfect wife because when the hell has he played the perfect husband anyway?! Continue to focus on yourself and do what feels right to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Hey Stacy, glad you found us here at SR.
I remember how it felt in your shoes.
A little more than a month of sobriety (depending on how you define it here) could NEVER reverse years of damage. Even if he can't see that, know yourself that it's perfectly normal on your side to feel that way.
In fact, my anger only really started after RAH got sober. Until then I'd been just getting through each day. That anger came with so much fear & resentment & shame over everything that I couldn't even define it most days. Just a ball of yuck.
Is he actually in a recovery program or white-knuckling it through with the help of his pot? How about you? Any counseling or recovery groups that you are working with to help you through this transition? How old are your kids?
I tell every newcomer to read the sticky threads up at the top of the forum because it's a great way to read/read/read a lot of great wisdom in addition to the current, active threads. Definitely do that if you haven't already!
I remember how it felt in your shoes.
A little more than a month of sobriety (depending on how you define it here) could NEVER reverse years of damage. Even if he can't see that, know yourself that it's perfectly normal on your side to feel that way.
In fact, my anger only really started after RAH got sober. Until then I'd been just getting through each day. That anger came with so much fear & resentment & shame over everything that I couldn't even define it most days. Just a ball of yuck.
Is he actually in a recovery program or white-knuckling it through with the help of his pot? How about you? Any counseling or recovery groups that you are working with to help you through this transition? How old are your kids?
I tell every newcomer to read the sticky threads up at the top of the forum because it's a great way to read/read/read a lot of great wisdom in addition to the current, active threads. Definitely do that if you haven't already!
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Stacy,
Hope you are hanging in there. Early sobriety is tough. I know I could not handle it alone. This site and Alanon got me through it. Alcoholism damages us emotionally and even physically. Regardless of what crazy stuff the alcoholic says, your priority is you. Alanon literature and meetings, as well as links and readings on this site, will all tell you there is nothing you can do to control the alcoholic, nor can you cure him, and you certainly don't cause him to drink or stay sober.
The best thing you can do is get help and support for yourself. Get some books, go to a meeting or attend one on line if you can't physically go. Getting support from people who understand what you are going through, and are finding peace and happiness is the best thing I ever did for myself.
Alcoholism isolates the family. We are alone until we can reach out to others who know and don't judge, criticize, or give advise that can't be followed. They just listen, support, and share their experience and recovery from the effects of alcoholism. When we recover, our relationships are better. We don't have to carry the weight of the world. We don't have to be afraid.
Stay strong. Magic
Hope you are hanging in there. Early sobriety is tough. I know I could not handle it alone. This site and Alanon got me through it. Alcoholism damages us emotionally and even physically. Regardless of what crazy stuff the alcoholic says, your priority is you. Alanon literature and meetings, as well as links and readings on this site, will all tell you there is nothing you can do to control the alcoholic, nor can you cure him, and you certainly don't cause him to drink or stay sober.
The best thing you can do is get help and support for yourself. Get some books, go to a meeting or attend one on line if you can't physically go. Getting support from people who understand what you are going through, and are finding peace and happiness is the best thing I ever did for myself.
Alcoholism isolates the family. We are alone until we can reach out to others who know and don't judge, criticize, or give advise that can't be followed. They just listen, support, and share their experience and recovery from the effects of alcoholism. When we recover, our relationships are better. We don't have to carry the weight of the world. We don't have to be afraid.
Stay strong. Magic
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Stacy,
Welcome and good for reaching out. You are finally getting the help that you need. I agree with everyone else, his sobriety is his to own. If he chooses to drink that is his loss, not yours. Mind your side of the street, not his.
There is a lot of help out there for us "codies," to understand how we became this way. We can learn how to get our voice back and learn not to accept unacceptable behavior and set up boundaries. It takes time and education is the best thing you can do for you. Keep reading all over this forum. Hit an alanon meeting, see a therapist or visit an open AA meeting. Read, read and keep reading and slowly you will get it. Not sure if he will still be "sober", but you will be in a better place.
Hugs my friend, you and your kids will be ok!!
Welcome and good for reaching out. You are finally getting the help that you need. I agree with everyone else, his sobriety is his to own. If he chooses to drink that is his loss, not yours. Mind your side of the street, not his.
There is a lot of help out there for us "codies," to understand how we became this way. We can learn how to get our voice back and learn not to accept unacceptable behavior and set up boundaries. It takes time and education is the best thing you can do for you. Keep reading all over this forum. Hit an alanon meeting, see a therapist or visit an open AA meeting. Read, read and keep reading and slowly you will get it. Not sure if he will still be "sober", but you will be in a better place.
Hugs my friend, you and your kids will be ok!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 31
Thank you, thank you a million times over. I am struggling but alive. All of your stories, support and encouragement are keeping me going right now!
Have a great weekend. I am buay reading and learning how to set boundaries
Have a great weekend. I am buay reading and learning how to set boundaries
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Hi Stacey, I'm glad you found this website. It is great source of information and it helped to many of us in those hard times.
I am sure everyone here can u Der stand how you feel and truly relate to it. I felt that way too, not long ago. In my case, it really helped me to live in different place. Right after I stopped living with my ex, I started to feel normal, happy and the massive pain and heaviness left. 2.5 months later, I still have moments when I miss him and I'm sorry for how things went, but I know I have done my best and got to the point I couldn't possibly try harder. I am mostly happy and feel like I newly discovered authentic myself again. I find that full separation with no contact for month or more might be beneficial along with alanon, etc.
Take care and I hope all posts here will also help you x
I am sure everyone here can u Der stand how you feel and truly relate to it. I felt that way too, not long ago. In my case, it really helped me to live in different place. Right after I stopped living with my ex, I started to feel normal, happy and the massive pain and heaviness left. 2.5 months later, I still have moments when I miss him and I'm sorry for how things went, but I know I have done my best and got to the point I couldn't possibly try harder. I am mostly happy and feel like I newly discovered authentic myself again. I find that full separation with no contact for month or more might be beneficial along with alanon, etc.
Take care and I hope all posts here will also help you x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Another addict (and family of addict) here
I agree that he is not at all in recovery--not drinking and recovery are the not the same.
I know it is scary to think about what comes next, but do have a back-up plan
for relapse so if it happens you have some stability.
In my experience, the "I might as well be drinking since you aren't
letting me control you" is a kind of pre-relapse statement in many cases.
The addict often then drinks, and says you "drove him to it" by not being a doormat to every whim.
This isn't a good sign less than a month out of rehab quite frankly.
Working on your own recovery via Alanon or therapy is critical to getting good boundaries in place to protect you and your kids.
Having some financial resources tucked away never hurts either.
Educating yourself about addiction, as you doing here, will help you know what
you are dealing with and is invaluable.
Welcome to SR!
I agree that he is not at all in recovery--not drinking and recovery are the not the same.
I know it is scary to think about what comes next, but do have a back-up plan
for relapse so if it happens you have some stability.
In my experience, the "I might as well be drinking since you aren't
letting me control you" is a kind of pre-relapse statement in many cases.
The addict often then drinks, and says you "drove him to it" by not being a doormat to every whim.
This isn't a good sign less than a month out of rehab quite frankly.
Working on your own recovery via Alanon or therapy is critical to getting good boundaries in place to protect you and your kids.
Having some financial resources tucked away never hurts either.
Educating yourself about addiction, as you doing here, will help you know what
you are dealing with and is invaluable.
Welcome to SR!
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