Meraviglioso

This continues from my former thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ab-report.html
which I hope will answer some questions for anyone considering rehab. It is really not as awful as I had imagined and the most important thing I learned is that surprise surprise, the wolds keeps on turning without me.

I have been out since last Wednesday and things have been ok. I have not had one serious craving to deal with. I have had two passing blips where I thought of drinking, but they were easily dismissed. I can't really tell what is going on though and that frightens me. Of course I am thankful that they passed without much effort but knowing what I am up against I feel it is a trick. Is it the meds? I am not on any "anti-craving" drugs. Was my mind completely changed during my 29 day stay? Am I more serious that ever before? And I using my new techniques and they were that easy to learn and put into pay? I feel ok, but not solid if you know what I mean.
Tomorrow night I meet with my local psychiatrist to try and lighten up on the prescriptions, I feel way too out of it and I can't live my life like this- just as I couldn't live it as a drunk.
Next week I go for a follow up with the psychologist and the psychiatrist and another doctor at the rehab place.
I trust all of the people mentioned above in addition I trust them to trust me regarding the side effects I will mention.

Lastly, my mother has been here which has been nice. We have kind of gotten into it a bit regarding my brother's wedding. He will marry the 14th of May and my best friend the 15th of May two evens I just cannot imagine missing. So convenient that one place ticket could cover both as well. My mom doesn't want me to come. She says they will both understand. She thinks it is too early for me to be in a party/alcohol fuelled environment. I say that those closest to me all know and will be there to support me should I feel weak. She also thinks it is a bad idea for me to leave the children again after having just left them for a month. This is something that is weighing on me heavily. If I did go I would fly over for 3 or 4 nights, just attend the evens and come right back. It would be over a weekend so they could stay with their grandparents as a special treat weekend and I think they would hardly notice. But again, for both those reasons she thinks I should give it a miss. I can't imagine missing the weddings of two of the most important people in my life, but I know that people do it all the time. But again, I know I also must protect myself. I have to decide soon as I would need to purchase a ticket this week.

Off for a little nap, the meds, the meds...

LBrain

welcome back Mera, please take this seriously,
if you are still having cravings, you need to work on that part of it...
were you having 'cravings' on the inside?
I'm in agreement with your mother on this one... good luck

entropy1964

Hi Mera
Glad you're home and doing pretty well. I can't give you advice regarding the weddings, that is your call. I think if you do what you feel is right in your heart and your gut, right for YOU, it will be the right decision. But you need to be honest with yourself. If you had just gone through a month of chemo to fight cancer and couldn't attend the weddings, your family/friends would understand. I don't think this is any different, really.

Regarding the drugs. I have been to rehab and medical detox (multiple times). Never have I left with prescriptions. That being said, I think you mentioned antibuse. Typically there are few side effects. Can you take it before bed in case it is causing drowsiness? From your posts it appears you may still be taking benzo's? Are you dual diagnosis (SUD plus a mental illness)? Obviously this is between you and your dr, but they are very addictive and basically make you high (kind of like alcohol in pill form). I would question the need to be on them unless you are still detoxing which also seems doubtful. Anyway, yeah. I would definitely look into the meds. Benzo's act on the same area of the brain that alcohol does (hence the reason they give them to us during detox). For me, they can add to cravings.

I know you had a fairly extensive plan for F2F support. How is that going? I think that is key right now. You were surrounded by people for 30 days...its hard to go cold turkey off of that.

firstymer

Thanks for checking in, Mera. It is good to hear from you again.

You will get lots of good advice on this issue I am sure. This topic comes up a lot.

I will say only this: If you were my sister, or my close friend, and you missed my wedding because you were tending to your early recovery, I would be relieved, knowing that you were making that priority your number one priority. If you attended, I would probably be concerned and maybe a bit stressed for you. NOBODY who loves you will think less of you if they don't see you at these events.

Whatever you decide, we will support your decision. You are doing great, and you are on the right path. Know that things will keep getting better for you.

aasharon90

Morning Mera from Louisiana.

Your posts from rehab that ive been
following inspired me to grab a Cannoli
the other day. It was soooooo good.

My parent would drive to New Orleans
when we were young and bring back a
box of Cannoli's and loads of awesome
fixings to make Muffletto's at home. YUM..!!!!

In regards to the weddings in early recovery...
If you've been giving the green light to remain
home where family members will not be upset
that you miss them in order to take care of you
in your own recovery, then by all means take
their suggestions seriously and stay at home.

Most folks would be upset if a family
member misses important functions
and hold resentments for yrs to come.

In your case and those who have put
their recovery program first in early
sobriety means that you and others
are taking their sobriety seriously
and will do whatever they need to do
to remain sober as they build a stronger
solid foundation to live their lives upon
for yrs to come.

Your family seems to be supportive
of you and your recovery and you
guys communicate well which is also
important so no one is left scratching
their heads as to what has happened
to the family unit bonding strongly in
this situation.

You don't have to feel remorse, guilt
or shame for missing the wedding which
is pretty awesome for you in early recovery.

Stay strong, talk honestly with family
and your physicians to protect your
sobriety one day at a time.

An Italian friend in recovery miles
away sending you my support and care.

Ariesagain

Maybe your mother can go with you to your psychologist appointment to discuss the wedding trip?

If these weddings will be boozapaloozas, yes, I would stay away. Your sentence, "I feel okay but not solid" indicates a need for caution, yes?

Your mom probably brought up your kids because she knows how much you care for them.

Onward...you're doing just fine.

Saskia

Mera, I agree with others who noted that only you can make the decision about the weddings. No matter what decision you make, your sobriety comes ahead of anything and anyone else.

I'll add that my personal experience was that I needed to avoid all situations where there was alcohol for a number of months. After 6 months, I could no longer totally avoid it and I found that to be very difficult for awhile.

Your experience could be similar or different. Since it sounds like you trust the docs and therapists at the rehab, I'd listen to their advice.

Soberwolf

I think it's too early even with friends there to support you take this time to focus on continuing to build your sobriety muscles, I know this means a lot to you but so does your sobriety

I say this because I care about you Mera x

Fabela

So glad to hear from you again, Mera.

ilovedogs666

Hi. I think you should protect your sobriety first and foremost.

I would not be able to be at such event in early sobriety. I would want to drink so badly and be resentful and feel like Im missing out on the fun, which would lead me to have a miserable time even if went.

I personally think its too early but of course the decision is yours. Good luck

Meraviglioso

I am definitely leaning in the "not going" direction" but they really are such tough events to miss. My brother, after 12 years is finally able to marry the love of his life, it will be a small family affair as they exchange vows followed by an intimate dinner, afterwards he will invite another 60 people or so where it will turn into a real "party" atmosphere. His partner was feeling very overwhelmed by the idea of a big wedding so they even gotten rid of the groom's attendants/witnesses so I won't be leaving him high and dry as I was supposed to be his attendant. I would have my mother and her partner, my father and step mom, my step sister and her husband as well as my brother and his new husband there as people aware of my alcoholism and choice not to drink.

Missing seeing my best friend marry is equally as crushing. We have been there through thick and thin and I think of the nights I have held her while she cried when she was so so so alone. Just a beautiful, smart, funny girl one of those "why is she still single?" type of girls. She was sad, she wanted to find someone. But she held fast and firm to what she wanted to find in a person. I often pointed out, in a loving way, that she was expecting too much of other people, that she needed to be more flexible, she was ruining every potential relationship opportunity by being so picky and nothing/no one ever being good enough. Well did she ever prove me wrong. All those years of tears and loneliness only served to steer her in the direction of her amazing boyfriend, they are a perfect match. I could not be happier for her if I tried. They also want a very small event, infact the only people invited are her parents, her sister and her husband, myself, The groom's mother and the groom's 12 year old son. So I would be one of seven guests. There would be no party after, just a small dinner. She is completely supportive of this decision for me and would not expect me to drink. thefactthatshe wants me there despite not being family and not inviting any other friends issue special to me. I don't know how to turn that down.

But then I wonder if the stress of the travel, the tiredness, the jet lag, the getting caught up in the moment will all be too much for me and despite being surrounded by people who care for my well being I'd find a way to sneak off and drink. Like my psychologist said, "never trust and alcoholic"

I thought I would make a decision today, time is slipping away in terms of ordering a ticket. But I need to sleep on it again. I think I will end up not going. My friend will be coming to stay with me for 6 nights during her honeymoon in Europe, I know I can plan a spectacular dinner for her here at my house or out at a nice restaurant as a way to celebrate together.
For my brother and his husband I will see them next time I go home and maybe we can arrange a special dinner or to have a photographer take some special photos of us.

It is not easy saying no to these events. I need to get more in the outset that I am saying no to something that might conflict with my sobriety. I can't deny it is not sad though. I would love to be there to support both of them and witness these special moments.

Saskia

Mera, I think you are doing a good job of thinking this through.

I'd like to add one other perspective: sometimes we can carefully prepare to not drink and succeed .... but after it's over, the AV can take over just as we think we have done really well. It can show up as a feeling that we somehow "deserve" a drink as a reward for being so careful at the event(s). I've heard enough stories of things like this to make me wary.

Delilah1

Hi Mera,

I am glad you have started a new thread. It is a difficult decision, but you need to protect your sobriety at this point, and it sounds like your brother and friend are very understanding about that.

This weekend we went to a memorial service for a friend, I went to the service, but skipped the reception after because I knew everyone would be drinking. I know I could have stayed sober, but just wasn't up for putting myself in that environment. I know it isn't the same as the weddings, but just figured I would share.

Glad you have adjusted to life at home. Your story has inspired many on SR!!!

❤️ Delilah

bemyself

Welcome home Mera.

Having been through quite a few (lots!) stints in rehab in recent years, I totally echo what most here are urging you - stay away from these events, as terribly difficult as I know it will be. I should know on that score, but for a different reason: for the past 25 years, I couldn't attend every single funeral of family members, including my sister's 15 months ago, which was absolute agony....because I was either drunk, too poor to travel by plane, or in more recent years of recovery: too early in recovery OR relapsed. I'm only just now coming to terms with all that guilt, especially over my sister....

But: the thing that actually really stood out to me was not even so much the events themselves, but as you realised yourself: the whole Big Deal of the whole package - the travelling, the stress, tiredness, getting caught up in the emotions of both events, etc etc. THAT'S what early recovery is telling you, quite rightly, to protect you from exposing yourself to such a maelstrom - even a positive maelstrom (unlike my funerals), but a maelstrom none the less.

Our brains and nervous systems are all over the shop for quite some time, believe me [and all the hundreds of people I've heard tell of their recovery journeys]. This is definitively the time for absolute focus on just the simplest, most basic, hopefully calmest hours and days as they pass by without drinking. Nothing else actually matters, luv, NOTHING: not even births / deaths/ and marriages! Most people like us have to content ourselves with being only 'virtually' part of them from afar, I'm afraid.

Like someone else said earlier - and which I've had to tell myself too - it's no different from having come out of hospital for very serious medical treatment or surgery or similar. We have to recuperate, actively give our bodies and minds (including emotions) a lot of time to heal, to re-jig themselves back into some kind of balance - and all the while, coping with any thoughts / urges / cravings for the drug which has ruined our lives and damaged those around us. That's how serious it is, if you read that last bit again....it sounds insane doesn't it? We have to heal from that insanity - and that takes TIME. The word no alcoholic / addict ever wants to hear!!!

But, yeah, the upside is: if you stay sober and get a bit better, you can easily catch up with your brother and wonderful bestie to mark this big turning point in their lives - at a time and in a place where you'll be much safer.

xx Vic

Meraviglioso

Thank you be myself for that very helpful perspective, you've helped me push myself over into the "not going" category. Now I just need to make the phone calls and explain. While I know they will be understanding it is still sad to me. However, it would also be sad for me to 1. throw away my sobriety that I am working so hard for and 2. Become caught up in the moment, get rip-roaring drunk and make a total ass of myself infront of family and friends.

mayabee

Mera, not going sounds like a wise plan. Your writing is so heartfelt and beautiful - perhaps you could send letters to your brother and your friend saying how much they mean to you - maybe share some memories, express your hopes for their futures, and congratulate them and their partners on their marriages. That would be a lovely keepsake.

KissMyTiara

Maybe the couples would consider live streaming their marriages and/or parts of their receptions with you. I know that is popular with those that live across continents or elderly that can't travel. I'm sure its easy to do via Skype or some other internet transmisson.

Meraviglioso

Good idea KMT, I will start looking into non invasive ways to be there via a computer connection. They are both having very informal/no frills ceremonies with little in the way of decoration but I am sure we can sneak in n iPad somewhere. I will be there in spirit though.
I have to remember this is a delicate time to be protected and if I did go and did drink it would just be heartbreaking all around. Not just for me but for those I am going to see who love me so much. They wouldn't want that to happen either. On top of all that if just "having a drink or two" would ruin their moods and make them disappointed, getting really sloshy drunk would just downright ruin the whole event. I have to remember that IS a possibility, I'm not sure when I'll feel safe, but those are certainly no two events to give'er the old test.

Saskia

I think you made a wise decision, Mera. Our sobriety is simply too critical to put at any risk, at least in my view.

uncorked

Mera, I think you have to listen to your heart, whichever way you go. You could ask a family member or someone to help you stay away from the alcohol while you're there, or maybe they could tell the bartenders not to serve you, no matter what! lol. But honestly, I'm 6 months in and I still don't trust myself to go to social events. I'm fine when I'm home or out to eat, but an open bar would just be too challenging for me right now. It is normal to have cravings this early in recovery.