Time2Rise

I slipped in a major way last week. I'm sober now for four days, but I had two solid months before I slipped. I'll skip the sordid details, but I'm in a bad place now.

This has to be my bottom. If I go any further down, I'll have nothing. I'm disgusted with myself, I've lost my dignity, I've lost most of my hope, I'm in the middle of a deep dark cloud. Usually, I shake this feeling after a day or two of sobriety, but this time it isn't going away so easily.

And I believe I know why: I realize I must change almost everything in my life if I'm going to stay sober, and that will take work, actually hard, hard work. And I realize just how much I've lost both emotionally and financially because of my drinking. So I'm vulnerable and afraid right now; at my age these changes will be hard.

Anyway, some words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated right now. I just need to know I can climb out of this and turn the chaos and darkness of my life into something good and meaningful.

least

I relapsed many times before I finally wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

Dee74

Hi Time2Rise

whats your recovery plan look like?

I hope I don't offend by suggesting it obviously needs more work - have you thought about what you might add to it?

yinzer

Hi Time2Rise! Yep, it will take hard work, but it's worth it. You can see that your current path isn't taking you where you want to go.

What did Theodore Roosevelt say? “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

Time2Rise

I'm not offended at all Dee, I welcome any wisdom you care to share.

My issue is travel. That's when I drink. Staying sober at home won't be that difficult, I have someone who will help me in that regard, and I was never big on drinking at home.

So I realize now that I have to stop all overnight travel for at least a year, and if I have to stop all travel for a longer period that's what I will do. But that change will require looking for a new job (I've been working for myself the last few years, but not doing so well because of the drinking).

So all this change at my age (56) is very scary.

Anyway, stopping all travel and finding a steady job will be the major additions to my plan. I'm also looking at a return to AA, SMART or whatever else will help keep me from relapsing.

Sigh, I'm not one to feel sorry for myself, but damn I feel like a failure right now.

Dee74

I'd usually suggest AA as face to face support for those trips but I know you're not really comfortable there.

Not travelling solves the problem in one respect, but in another the problems still there, just avoided.

Do you feel peer pressure to drink, or do you felt selkf conscious when you're not drinking in a client dinner situation?

or it is loneliness after the dinners etc?

a mix?
D

Thumpalumpacus

I'm right there with you, brotha. I'm turning my life around at 49. You're right, it is difficult, and you're not the only one who has lapsed, ether. That's okay. We'll hang together, doing the hard work.

Put yourself a plan together. Find activities to replace drinking and keep your hands and mind busy. Be aware of HALTS symptoms and reach out when they're crowding you into a corner. Join a program, 12-step or secular, and start building that support network. Read here daily.

We can do this!

Time2Rise

Peer pressure isn't a big issue. It's more loneliness, boredom and subconsciously feeling I can drink without anyone caring.

And euphoric recall, selective memory along with romanticizing drinking are why I end up drinking again while traveling.

BTW, I don't plan on giving up travel forever, but for now overnight travel has to stop until I'm strong enough to handle it.

Delilah1

Just wanted to send some positive vibes your way. You can do this!! Looking forward to seeing you on SR.:-)

Soberwolf

Welcome bk Time2rise good to see you

KarenOskie

Hey Time, I know so well how you feel! I have 8 days today, and relapsed over and over. I'm really down today, too. Also, feeling I need to make some really tough life changes to keep sober. But, it's one day at a time, that's all we can do. I found I have to follow my stay sober plan exactly with no excuses. That's the only way I can get through today. I do a morning reading to set the day, then go through my meeting list and choose a meeting to go to, then I pray the third step prayer. I don't let anything get in the way of going to my meeting. I also need to start calling people. That is my downfall. I hate to use the phone!
Your stay sober plan may be completely different, but I agree with others, you need to have one and stick to it. That's what keeps you sober. Wanting to stay sober doesn't work by itself.
Hugs and lots of hope to you!

nova84

Wishing you well on the rest of your recovery journey Time2Rise x

Time2Rise

I'd love to be 49 right now

But I have to look at the positive; I could be 60 or 61, and that would make my situation even more difficult.

waterlogged

Hiya Time 2rise
Welcome you will beat this xx

AnvilheadII

you CAN do this! (fellow 56 yr old)

journeytohope

I to have tried to sober up on my own several times only to relapse over and over again and continue to lie to everyone and my self. There was no way I was going to go to AA. However, I was at the point of losing everything and drove to an AA meeting, almost had a panic attack, but somehow made myself walk in to the meeting. So much different than what I imagined and everyone was so supportive. I say at least give it a try. I am now 16 days sober and know I would have relapsed if it wasn't for that support. You can do this. I still have my good days and bad days, but it seems that I am starting to have more good ones. You can do this! Sending prayers your way.

Time2Rise

Thank you for your prayers. I've been to AA off and on over the last two years. I have some issues with AA doctrine, as well as reservations with some of the practices used in 12-Step programs.

But at this point I'm willing to give it another shot. I can at least attend meetings and admit Step 1. I need to be around people with long term sobriety.

Venecia

Sounds like a good idea, Time2Rise.

You're never too old (or young) to get sober. You can do this.

strategery

Time2rise-the power to change this all around is within you. You can do this!

Anna

Yes! This is the point when you let go of all the stuff that brought you to this place. And, it's the point where you must fully look at the messes you've made. And, it's so very hard. The good news is that from this point you can began to accept things, to change things and to move forward. You can do this!