tigerlily1

As some of you know I have posted saying I wanted to leave but was scared to for financial reasons mainly. Last night my AH was very very drunk. Had been drinking with no sleep for a couple of days. He phoned me from our shop which is across our yard ranting and very angry. I was unable to understand what he was even talking about. He asked me if I was at home I said yes. Then he asked me to come out on the front step and face the shop and wave. I just felt very unsafe. So distracted him talking about something else and grabbed my keys and left. I came into town. He kept calling so I blocked his number. He left many messages telling me I am no longer welcome at the house or in the yard. Swearing and calling me names. So I got a hotel room. He went to work this am and I ran home and packed an overnight bag. My son is at our church at a 30 hour famine. He is 19 and capable of making his own decision re what to do.

tigerlily1

Sorry on cell and sent before finished. I have wanted to leave and knew it was coming. However had hoped to avoid a situation like this. I have no plan in place. Cannot stay in a hotel for long. My closest family is six hours away. I am going to spend another night here. Will however have to figure something out by tomorrow. Have cried my heart out. Just hate feeling so lost!! Worried about my cat but know he is better staying out till I have a plan. My son will likely go home today for the time being. Me I think I am done with living like this. If you all could pray for me or send positive vibes would appreciate it. Thanks so much!

dandylion

tigerlily.....call the National Domestic Violence Hotline......
You can discuss it, safely, with them.....they will be able to advise you and connect you to services in your area, if needed.....
It is not a government agency, so he will never need to know about it.....

I am glad you got out of there. does he have any access to guns? You don't have to tell us....but, it is a very important consideration....

dandylion

tigerlily1

Yes he has access to guns. Has recently been working in a very secluded area where there are bears so has started keeping one with him in his vehicle for work. That was part of my unsafe feeling last night. He has never threatened to harm me nor do I think he would when sober. When drinking to that level he becomes not in his right mind. He also has a lot of rage when drinking.

dandylion

tigerlily.....do not go back to that house.
What he asked you to do gave me the chills......

safety must now become your number o ne priority....
You son is too young to go motherless.....

There is safe housing and police protection available to you...if you are willing to accept it....
There are p eople waiting to help you (it is their job and their passion).
You have options.....

dandylion

healthyagain

Yes, check out the DV hotline.

The website is The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

You can call them, or you can even chat to a person if you do not feel comfortable to call. They will connect you with additional resources. And if you cannot stay in a hotel, they can provide you info how to get to a shelter.

There are no fees, no names, and they really can provide meaningful help.

LexieCat

And when you're ready to go and retrieve stuff from the house, call the police for an escort. They are generally willing to "stand by" for property removals.

And do talk with an advocate at your local shelter. Depending on the law where you live you might be eligible for a protective order that would require HIM to leave. And if you got an order he would also be prohibited, under federal law, from possessing firearms.

Reach out for all the help you can get.

Hugs, it will be OK.

tigerlily1

I will consider calling the hotline. I am in Canada so not sure if the number given is for here. I guess I am just numb right now. I do not feel unsafe when away from the house. He honestly has never threatened to harm me physically. Just verbal abuse and aggressive sexually a couple of times. I know I need to be safe and that is why I had to leave. I hope I am done for good. Wish I would have had a plan in place and left before it became this. My feelings are fluctuating between numb, panic and immense sadness.

tigerlily1

I actually would not want him to leave Lexie. He owns his own business out of the shop. I am incredibly sad to lose my home but have no desire to take his business away. I also have no desire to live in the country alone. I could never financially maintain and without his business he would have no income. I always knew it would be me who left even though we built it together.

AnvilheadII

please do more than CONSIDER calling for help. this link lists DV services in the various provinces.

Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International

Anna

Here is the Domestic Violence hotline in Canada. There are numbers for each province and information about shelters:

Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International

Anna

Thanks, Anvil!

tigerlily1

Thank you to each one of you for your support and suggestions. I do appreciate it. I am not sure calling the hotline is necessary but will think on it. I feel like I really just need to get out permanently and need to come up with a plan to accomplish this. When he is sober I will have a discussion with him re finances. My son is there and I will not go there alone or when he is drinking at all. My son is 6' 3" and 200 pounds. My AH is much smaller and my son will protect me but as I said no chance of me going there if he has been drinking at all. When he is sober he is not a concern at all. This is his step dad not his biological dad. My AH only seems confrontational and angry with me not my son. It feels like this is all surreal.

LexieCat

It doesn't have to be "necessary" to call the hotline. They aren't 911, they aren't going to call out the emergency responders. It's just to talk to someone. Even if you don't feel you've been a victim of abuse (but you do know that the sexual "aggression" is abusive, so there's that), it's still good to talk it out with someone. They are also very experienced at planning--they can help you figure out where to go and what to do next.

I'd make the call, personally.

healthyagain

It is impossible to control alcoholism, and trying to control abuse is both impossible and dangerous. When my ex was abusive and caused the incident that made me leave in the end, he claimed he had a blackout and did not remember what he told me. Well it was too late, because I got in touch with DV people. Later he claimed he did remember what he did, but again, it was irrelevant because I was out and safe.

I've never been hit by him, but there was emotional abuse, severe manipulation, and gaslighting. Getting in touch with the DV agency was the best thing I could have done. In the end, I did not take any help that they offered, but it felt as if someone was guarding my back while I was moving out, because someone out there knew about what was going on.

Knowledge is power. A phone call cannot hurt you, only empower you.

dandylion

tigerlily.....the dv people have resources at their disposal that a person may need in a situation such as your.....such as--social services for food, shelter, transportation, legal services, counseling and therapists for ongoing support, etc...
They see these situations every day and have a good handle on what a person needs....
Nobody will force you to do anything you don't want to do....

There is really nothing for you to lose......

dandylion

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Tigerlily.

Kboys

Hi Tigerlily, just wanted to send you lots of strength and big hugs. I hope things are okay for you today.
Stay safe!!
Update us if you can.

tigerlily1

Still in hotel! Had the conversation yesterday with AH that I was done and not coming home. I let him listen to one of the Nasty messages he left me Friday night. He claimed he had no memory of the night. He was incoherent practically so not surprised. Told him I loved him but that living in this chaos is so hard on me. Told me he loved me and was so sorry. Yeah heard that a million times. He asked me to please come home. I said no I can't. We both cried hard and hugged. My 19 year old son is struggling but supporting me. He is remaining at the house with his step dad at this time. Thinking of going to stay with my aunt who lived six hours away to figure out where to go from here. Thought I was more done with him then I am. Taking this stand hurts so freaking bad!! Thank you all for your support!! Much appreciated. Hoping the tears stop soon.

amy55

Hi Tigerlily,

That sounds like a really scary binge that your AH was just on. I think that when your inner self is telling you not to open the door and to go outside and wave, is really telling. It was like your primal fight or flight mechanism was triggered.

I can only suggest that you do go visit your family that is 6 hours away. Give yourself a break and some rest. See how you feel there, because it does seem that if you do leave your AH you will be going back there anyway.

Also keep in mind that if you go to visit your family and then return, things may be a lot worse.

So, just take some time to really think about what you need and want.

(((((((hugs)))))))
amy