My AH is in Rehab... Now What?
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 5
My AH is in Rehab... Now What?
My husband of 8 months checked into rehab today. He went willingly, regretting that he didn't go before things got so bad.
I feel ridiculous writing this. I know I should run for the hills. He's broken every one of my deal breakers. On the other hand, he went to rehab, which he was completely against before? Our psychologist said that his disease of alcoholism wants to take away all of his happiness and since I stayed despite the drinking, it (the disease) went straight to my deal breakers. She says it's all the disease talking right now and he's in a full blown relapse. Since he's in treatment, do I stay and see if this was rock bottom? Or do I assume our relationship is done? More details below.
Background
My AH holds a good job and most people don't know about his dark side. He is a total Dr Jeckyll/ Mr Hyde type. He's incredibly jovial, compassionate, loving, helpful, and kind. He loves his family and is well liked by others. He's a total people pleaser and hates saying "no."
He's a binge drinker, with episodes that got more and more frequent, up to about once a week. When we met, he was 7 years sober, but he stopped attending group and relapsed.
He's been blacking out with no recollection of what he's done. Last week, I spied (via his phone) when he was MIA. I found that he was drunk and clearly had just had sex at a hotel with someone other than me. He found some searches I'd done on cheating spouses and confronted me so I showed him the pictures. He had no recollection of it and was just as shocked as I was. He wound up getting drunk to try and trying to kill himself for the third time this year.
Everything unravelled pretty fast after that. He admitted to using cocaine "4-5 times" which he knew I was adamantly against. He gave me access to his phone logs and I found he'd sent over 600 texts to 31 different escorts in the past 3 months on days where he was binge drinking. He told me he's had appx 1000 sexual partners and watches porn 4-5x a day. So it's looking like there's a possible sex and cocaine addiction too. Our psychologist believes he has severe codependency issues. I know there's more of something that he hasn't told me. Our therapist said it won't come out until he's been in rehab for about 2 weeks.
I know he loves me. I've told him I really need to think about whether I will stay with him or file for divorce. He tells me he only wants me to be happy and will make sure I'm taken care of if we do part ways. He seems so broken and defeated. I know he's truly remorseful for everything and has told me he'll do whatever it takes (his suggestions were drug tests as requested, access to all sites, accounts, etc) if I choose to stay.
I feel ridiculous writing this. I know I should run for the hills. He's broken every one of my deal breakers. On the other hand, he went to rehab, which he was completely against before? Our psychologist said that his disease of alcoholism wants to take away all of his happiness and since I stayed despite the drinking, it (the disease) went straight to my deal breakers. She says it's all the disease talking right now and he's in a full blown relapse. Since he's in treatment, do I stay and see if this was rock bottom? Or do I assume our relationship is done? More details below.
Background
My AH holds a good job and most people don't know about his dark side. He is a total Dr Jeckyll/ Mr Hyde type. He's incredibly jovial, compassionate, loving, helpful, and kind. He loves his family and is well liked by others. He's a total people pleaser and hates saying "no."
He's a binge drinker, with episodes that got more and more frequent, up to about once a week. When we met, he was 7 years sober, but he stopped attending group and relapsed.
He's been blacking out with no recollection of what he's done. Last week, I spied (via his phone) when he was MIA. I found that he was drunk and clearly had just had sex at a hotel with someone other than me. He found some searches I'd done on cheating spouses and confronted me so I showed him the pictures. He had no recollection of it and was just as shocked as I was. He wound up getting drunk to try and trying to kill himself for the third time this year.
Everything unravelled pretty fast after that. He admitted to using cocaine "4-5 times" which he knew I was adamantly against. He gave me access to his phone logs and I found he'd sent over 600 texts to 31 different escorts in the past 3 months on days where he was binge drinking. He told me he's had appx 1000 sexual partners and watches porn 4-5x a day. So it's looking like there's a possible sex and cocaine addiction too. Our psychologist believes he has severe codependency issues. I know there's more of something that he hasn't told me. Our therapist said it won't come out until he's been in rehab for about 2 weeks.
I know he loves me. I've told him I really need to think about whether I will stay with him or file for divorce. He tells me he only wants me to be happy and will make sure I'm taken care of if we do part ways. He seems so broken and defeated. I know he's truly remorseful for everything and has told me he'll do whatever it takes (his suggestions were drug tests as requested, access to all sites, accounts, etc) if I choose to stay.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Hi betrayed. Wow, that's a lot to deal with. The fact that you had "deal breakers" that he's now broken and you are still considering staying with him is worrisome. I think the first thing you need to think about is can you really believe anything he says? When he says he has no recollection of having sex at a hotel with someone else? I'd be suspicious.
My STBXAH had a few (that I know of) encounters with escorts also. After I caught him the first time, he swore he'd never do it again. Well, I caught him again about 2 years later and he was sobbing, telling me how he would do whatever he needed to do gain my trust back, etc. Well, that just led to him being extremely resentful of me. I was routinely told that, "I would never trust him."
For me, I don't want to live my life wondering if my husband is sleeping with an escort when I don't know where he is or he's late. I also don't want to worry about him relapsing (that is, if he ever chose to take recovery seriously in the first place.) The trust in my relationship is so far gone, it will never be restored.
It sounds like your husband has some very deep emotional issues that will take a lot of work to deal with. You've only been married 8 months and sounds like you have no kids? You have to decide if you're willing to live with the unknown and the strong possibility that he could relapse at any time. Also, routinely drug testing him and keeping track of his internet activities is not something that should be required in a healthy relationship.
But regardless of what you decide, I would strongly urge you to start taking care of you. Go to Al-Anon, get in counseling and read as much as you can about addiction.
My STBXAH had a few (that I know of) encounters with escorts also. After I caught him the first time, he swore he'd never do it again. Well, I caught him again about 2 years later and he was sobbing, telling me how he would do whatever he needed to do gain my trust back, etc. Well, that just led to him being extremely resentful of me. I was routinely told that, "I would never trust him."
For me, I don't want to live my life wondering if my husband is sleeping with an escort when I don't know where he is or he's late. I also don't want to worry about him relapsing (that is, if he ever chose to take recovery seriously in the first place.) The trust in my relationship is so far gone, it will never be restored.
It sounds like your husband has some very deep emotional issues that will take a lot of work to deal with. You've only been married 8 months and sounds like you have no kids? You have to decide if you're willing to live with the unknown and the strong possibility that he could relapse at any time. Also, routinely drug testing him and keeping track of his internet activities is not something that should be required in a healthy relationship.
But regardless of what you decide, I would strongly urge you to start taking care of you. Go to Al-Anon, get in counseling and read as much as you can about addiction.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 53
Wow that's a lot to take in. Even if his only issue were the drinking, staying in your marriage would be a dicey proposition. But I understand loving someone and wanting to stay and wanting to believe in them too. Looking back I wish I had left within the first year. It has now been over 12 years and it has gotten progressively worse and I have poured all this time into the relationship, poured my heart into it and for nothing. And I think it would have turned out better now just for me, but for my ABF if I had just left.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by jada1981 
Well, I caught him again about 2 years later and he was sobbing, telling me how he would do whatever he needed to do gain my trust back, etc. Well, that just led to him being extremely resentful of me. I was routinely told that, "I would never trust him."
Also, routinely drug testing him and keeping track of his internet activities is not something that should be required in a healthy relationship.
Also, routinely drug testing him and keeping track of his internet activities is not something that should be required in a healthy relationship.
It is very sad but some people have many issues from their childhood that no matter how great they seem to outside world, their self love is non existent and they just keep destroying themselves and the closest ones.
I guess you have to decide if ur willing to live life with potential relapses on the way. If ur comfortable checking his devices/finances/drug tests. Or if u decide to live normal life without checking and trust him.
I have been with my ex for 2 years and 6 months were bad (drink/drug binging). I am now two months alone and I feel like authentic me again. Although when I was in the relationship living his life/worying about his life more than he did, I didn't realize that I became someone else.
Now I am happy, but very sad that I have seen someone suffer so much. He seems happy now, but I know it's not real. He doesn't work on himself and his issues require massive work.
Take care x
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome.
Nobody here can tell you what YOU should do, but I think if it were I, I would be preparing to move along in my life. I left my second husband after living together only a matter of months after marriage, when he went back to drinking after almost dying from it a year before. I wasn't willing to put myself through the death-bed vigils again.
I know how sad and disappointing it is. But my second husband is out there still drinking himself to death (how he's still alive all these years later I have no idea). I am thankful every day I didn't stick around for more of the show.
Hugs,
Nobody here can tell you what YOU should do, but I think if it were I, I would be preparing to move along in my life. I left my second husband after living together only a matter of months after marriage, when he went back to drinking after almost dying from it a year before. I wasn't willing to put myself through the death-bed vigils again.
I know how sad and disappointing it is. But my second husband is out there still drinking himself to death (how he's still alive all these years later I have no idea). I am thankful every day I didn't stick around for more of the show.
Hugs,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Betrayed.....there is a saying in these circles...."Let go or be dragged"......
given what you have shared, I can envision you being dragged......
Believe me....I take no pleasure in saying this to you.....
Please, give some serious consideration to what you want in your l ife....how you want to live.....how you want to feel.....
How much does your own happiness mean to you?
You are entitled to take care of your own happiness, first.....
Just because you signed a piece of paper 8mo. ago is no reason for you to stay in a situation that is not in your best welfare.....
dandylion
***It is important for you to get tested for stds. No more sex without protection every time.....
given what you have shared, I can envision you being dragged......
Believe me....I take no pleasure in saying this to you.....
Please, give some serious consideration to what you want in your l ife....how you want to live.....how you want to feel.....
How much does your own happiness mean to you?
You are entitled to take care of your own happiness, first.....
Just because you signed a piece of paper 8mo. ago is no reason for you to stay in a situation that is not in your best welfare.....
dandylion
***It is important for you to get tested for stds. No more sex without protection every time.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Its terrible that you are in this situation...but it can also be 100 times worse... Like having children involved! You are only 8 months married, this can easily turn into 18 years of the same BS only getting worse. When trust is broken, it is the hardest thing to ever get back. Seems like trust in your marriage has been broken in the worst possible ways. You don't want to live your life on constant paranoia that your husband is cheating on you with hookers and possibly bringing back home a life threatening STD! And the reality is that you probably only know the tip of the iceberg! It really is not a life to lead constantly tracking his every step of Internet use, where he goes etc.
Although rehab is a good first step, it's no miracle cure. He is struggling with some very dark demons (alcohol, coke and sex) that you have absolutely no control over (only he does). You don't want to waste your entire life on someone who is at very high risk to cheat on you again. Best thing you can do is to work on yourself. Educate yourself on alcoholism, cocaine abuse and sex addiction.
Although rehab is a good first step, it's no miracle cure. He is struggling with some very dark demons (alcohol, coke and sex) that you have absolutely no control over (only he does). You don't want to waste your entire life on someone who is at very high risk to cheat on you again. Best thing you can do is to work on yourself. Educate yourself on alcoholism, cocaine abuse and sex addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 5
Thanks to all for the comments. I've definitely been trying to work the al-anon program, have no desire to police someone for the rest of my life and know I could not have kids with him if I stayed.
I've been reading tons on alcoholism, cocaine, sex addiction, codependency, STDs, spyware, etc etc etc and recognize what an awful mess this is. It truly is a nightmare. I'm just so stupidly hopeful that this month in rehab will get him back to the man I fell in love with. My therapist said that if he really works the program, it could be possible to get our relationship to a point where it's stronger than ever. That it will take years of rebuilding trust, but it's possible. I was sure that leaving was the only option, but the prospect of getting him back clean and healthy, sober and honest is like the prospect of winning the jackpot. I know it's a long shot, but knowing it's possible makes me want to wait and see how rehab goes.
Am I being completely delusional? Would love to hear others stories and opinions.
Also, Has anyone had or known of a positive experience after rehab?
I've been reading tons on alcoholism, cocaine, sex addiction, codependency, STDs, spyware, etc etc etc and recognize what an awful mess this is. It truly is a nightmare. I'm just so stupidly hopeful that this month in rehab will get him back to the man I fell in love with. My therapist said that if he really works the program, it could be possible to get our relationship to a point where it's stronger than ever. That it will take years of rebuilding trust, but it's possible. I was sure that leaving was the only option, but the prospect of getting him back clean and healthy, sober and honest is like the prospect of winning the jackpot. I know it's a long shot, but knowing it's possible makes me want to wait and see how rehab goes.
Am I being completely delusional? Would love to hear others stories and opinions.
Also, Has anyone had or known of a positive experience after rehab?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yes, I know many positive outcomes after alcohol rehab. I have no experience when it comes to rehab for drug, porn, or sex addictions. He's got all four going on at once. And your reference to hitting the "jackpot" makes me wonder if there might not be a gambling addiction waiting to surface if the other addictions are suppressed.
I'm half-kidding there, but seriously. Anyone who has THAT many issues going on at once is a bigger project than a one-month stay at rehab is going to fix. How well did you really KNOW the person you think you fell in love with? All this stuff was apparently bubbling madly beneath the surface all that time.
So I wouldn't call you "delusional" but "unrealistically hopeful" seems to fit. Anything is possible, but likely? To return to the gambling analogy, how much are you willing to put on the table/in the machine for a shot at a jackpot, when the odds are wildly against you?
I'm half-kidding there, but seriously. Anyone who has THAT many issues going on at once is a bigger project than a one-month stay at rehab is going to fix. How well did you really KNOW the person you think you fell in love with? All this stuff was apparently bubbling madly beneath the surface all that time.
So I wouldn't call you "delusional" but "unrealistically hopeful" seems to fit. Anything is possible, but likely? To return to the gambling analogy, how much are you willing to put on the table/in the machine for a shot at a jackpot, when the odds are wildly against you?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Betrayed wife....keep in mind that rehab is just the first step in preparing for recovery....it is just the starting gate....
If you are expecting him to return from rehab like a shiny new penny....you are likely to face some sobering reality.....
Consider....you have never k nown the real him, since you were married.
HE doesn't really know the real him...alcoholism is a constant battle between the alcoholic voice and a persons own self....And, the alcohol has been in control since you married him.
His real self is still to be revealed....if he is willing to do the years of hard work that is involved.....
I can see that you are firmly lassoed by hope.....and, you are hanging on for dear li fe....
One thing is for sure.....it will all unfold...."more will be revealed".....
I fervently hope that you will continue to post and read here....
and, continue to educate yourself.....after all---knowledge is power...
dandylion
If you are expecting him to return from rehab like a shiny new penny....you are likely to face some sobering reality.....
Consider....you have never k nown the real him, since you were married.
HE doesn't really know the real him...alcoholism is a constant battle between the alcoholic voice and a persons own self....And, the alcohol has been in control since you married him.
His real self is still to be revealed....if he is willing to do the years of hard work that is involved.....
I can see that you are firmly lassoed by hope.....and, you are hanging on for dear li fe....
One thing is for sure.....it will all unfold...."more will be revealed".....
I fervently hope that you will continue to post and read here....
and, continue to educate yourself.....after all---knowledge is power...
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Yes, that's the scary part...honestly, if he claims not to remember some sexual encounters, it's very unlikely he's saying, "Oh, wait just a mo, must be responsible here," before proceeding. He is also clearly self-destructive, so he doesn't care what happens to him and he doesn't care what happens to you.
Read others' threads here and the years and decades people have spent trying to keep their addict clean. Yours has drugs, alcohol, porn, and dangerous sex addictions...the chances of recovering from one addiction are slim, but when he can just switch among four?
Save yourself...you can't save him.
Read others' threads here and the years and decades people have spent trying to keep their addict clean. Yours has drugs, alcohol, porn, and dangerous sex addictions...the chances of recovering from one addiction are slim, but when he can just switch among four?
Save yourself...you can't save him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
this situation is far worse than you are allowing yourself to accept. all those "issues" did not JUST start 6 or 8 months ago. they just came OUT. his nice guy schtick is his cover and i'm sure he gamely tried to keep a lid on things. until the dam broke.
it is going to take a LONG LONG time for him to face down and work thru his issues......one trip to rehab is going to the first INCH of a 10 mile hike. and that is assuming that he STAY SOBER.
i don't usually say it but i think you should run like hell and never look back. this guy could hardly be MORE messed up. he has engaged in hugely risky behaviors and i doubt he ALWAYS wore a condom. maybe with YOU he does........trying to figure out if he had hundreds of encounters when he was EVER home??
i'm sure based on the situation, you could probably get the marriage annulled. you just don't NEED this. it was never your job here on this planet to put up with an endless series of deal breakers and damage.
i'd also suggest you get your OWN counseling......
it is going to take a LONG LONG time for him to face down and work thru his issues......one trip to rehab is going to the first INCH of a 10 mile hike. and that is assuming that he STAY SOBER.
i don't usually say it but i think you should run like hell and never look back. this guy could hardly be MORE messed up. he has engaged in hugely risky behaviors and i doubt he ALWAYS wore a condom. maybe with YOU he does........trying to figure out if he had hundreds of encounters when he was EVER home??
i'm sure based on the situation, you could probably get the marriage annulled. you just don't NEED this. it was never your job here on this planet to put up with an endless series of deal breakers and damage.
i'd also suggest you get your OWN counseling......
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ spot on. My exs mask is his nice side "play" as well. I didn't get to witness his core issues and demons until we were narried-but they were there all along. I wish I would have left that first year-after the first demon incident. Your guy sounds a lot like mine-alcoholism, porn, women issues, FOO issues, totally insecure, codependent. Those are his to fix. You won't have a good relationship ( or even decent) until he does-and no woman will fix his deep issues. I never say this either, but RUN!!
Until your guy gets massive help I would not reconsider anything-you must protect yourself (and your health) from his choices.
Until your guy gets massive help I would not reconsider anything-you must protect yourself (and your health) from his choices.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
This situation is REALLY bad and I agree with everyone above that it won't be fixed with a 1 month rehab stay.
You could never bring a child into this situation (not to mention it would mean you'd have to have unprotected sex with him).
You could never bring a child into this situation (not to mention it would mean you'd have to have unprotected sex with him).
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