Tati

Hi everyone. I'm a newbie. My name is Tatianna. I'm 30 years old and i've been alcoholic since I was 22. Just a little background info on my situation. I've been suffering with severe anxiety and depression since I was 17. I've had jobs here and there, but I've been a recluse for a huge chunk of my life. I've had long periods of sobriety when I went back to school to study for my GED two years back. I lucked out and found an amazing teacher and class. I did amazing in that class, and ended up passing all the subjects with flying colors EXCEPT the math. I failed by two points. You need a minimum of 500 on each subject to pass. I got 498. It was a little devastating at first, but I decided to go back to class to study some more. I ended up failing the math for a 2nd time. I got a 487 this time around. At this point I fell into a DEEP depression, and started drinking heavily.

Fastforward six months later. Me and my mother found out we had to move out of our apartment. We're both born and bred ny'ers. My whole entire family lived on the same block for over 25 years. I live with my mother because she's severely disabled. I've been her caregiver for 6+ years. Unfortunately we couldn't afford to stay in NY because the rents are astronomical. Even in the outer boroughs are crazy
due to gentrification. So we found a decent complex in allentown PA which is 2 hours outside of NY. The reason we had to move is really complicated, so I won't go into it.

OMG the homesickness has been UNREAL. It's like I went to one extreme to another. Culture shock would be putting it mildly. Since we moved here i've been feeling this extreme lonliness I have never felt in my whole entire life, and my anxiety is through the roof. The transition has been rough to say the least. My drinking has increased tenfold since we got here (7 months ago)

So anyway late last night in the midst of drunken stupor I got the bright idea to chop up some onions to put in my tuna fish. While i was chopping I missed the onion and damn near cut off my thumb. The blood was gushing everywhere and I started crying hysterically. I sobered up a little bit and went into my mom's room to wake her up, but she was dead asleep. So I just took a wad of power towel and walked to the nearest ER, which was luckily only 3 blocks away. I got ten stitches and a tetanus shot.

You know whats the crazy thing about this whole situation? Is that I STILL wanna drink! You would think cutting off one of your fingers would kill the cravings, but i'm dying for it. it's almost 1 am here and I keep pacing my room just wishing I could get my hands on some. The nightime is always the worst time of day for me. I'm not a daytime or social drinker. After I get my mom ready for bed. I pour myself a drink, sit on my bed and listen to music until I pass out. As temporary as alcohol is for those few hours that void inside of me is filled.

I HATE being sober. Like I ABHOR it. I'm just so SICK of being miserable. I've been depressed and anxious, and a prisoner to this addiction for so long I don't even know what "normal" feels like. *Sigh* I already feel the irritability brewing. I have to take my mom out tomorrow, and I already know i'm gonna get frustrated, and she's just gonna enable me to buy the liquor. Because she doesn't like "seeing me upset" and yet she hates when I drink, and then she guilt trips me when I DO drink. like I know i'm f*cked up. I'm just so tired of fighting everyday. What IS the point? Some days I only look forward to getting out of bed because I have alcohol in the house.

FYI i've been to rehab twice.

Jsbodhi

Hi!
(((( hug)))
Welcome to the forum- sorry to hear about your finger!
I fell drunk and tore two major ligaments in my leg and it still causes problems 8 months later.

I hope we can help you xx

Lorax1981

Hi tatianna, welcome! Join the class of April thread and look for the weekender thread. What's cool about SR is there's people in all time zones so always someone to talk to. If you're able to get some sober time things will start to improve. Then we can start working on our other issues, and really start feeling better.
-Ted

Upward2Enlightenment

Hi tati, welcome

I hope you can find the help you need here. Alcohol won't help the depression because it is a depressant

CeeFarro

Hi Tatianna! Glad you're here..I can relate to a lot of what you've said. Hope you stick around here...there is some great support!

grizzlybearblue

Welcome, Tatianna! Glad to have you here : ) I went to rehab again right before my 30th birthday thinking I was going to turn 30 sober. I did not. I went back out worse than ever, and it was another 2 years before I tried to get sober again. I was really not well by then. I hope we can help you on your journey to a new and better life! You've come to a great place : )

KiKi0615

Hi Tati and welcome to SR. I'm glad your thumb is ok. I've had more trips to the ER and stitches than I can count from things I've done while drunk! The good news...if we don't drink those things will stop happening.

You probably already know this but alcohol causes severe depression & anxiety for several weeks after we drink.

Once we stop, get a support system or recovery program, some exercise, rest, healthy food, lots of water etc....we start to flush all the toxins out so the serotonin (happy chemical in our brain) can start building up again.

Do you think you can stay sober for the next 24 hours & then repeat the next day?

Hang in there.

Mags1

Hi and welcome Tatianna.

I didn't want to stop drinking, either. Thing was, I was full of regrets the next day. It was my prop, but also ruining my life.

It was the best thing I did when I stopped drinking.

This site has been a lifeline for me, too.

I hope we can help you, also.

Tati

Yeah I could. It's just gonna be beyond difficult, but i've done it before. I guess my issue is that I don't wanna fight these cravings every day, and just get THROUGH days you know? I feel like i'm just existing and constantly fighting to stay sober. What kind of life is that? I wish I could wake up addiction free. I guess every addict does. I guess I wish I had something to DRIVE me to stays sober. I feel like I need to stay sober for everyone else, and because it's the "right" thing to do. Not because I REALLY want it. I hate that alcohol is such a comfort for me. I feel less lonely, and safer when I drink. Thats sounds weird I know.

Thanks everyone for being so welcoming. I plan to stick around.

Soberwolf

Welcome Tati

least

Welcome to the family. You'll find lots of support here.

Fabela

Welcome to the family!

canguy

Hi Tati

Class of April......I think you should come over and sign on.

Hope to see you there....

KiKi0615

I totally know how you feel Tati. Getting sober is HARD!!! But you can do it! I don't personally know you but have a feeling you are gonna be ok!

Each day you stay sober the cravings lessen. Send me a message later if you need anything. Ok?

Hug! And strength!!!

Just try not drinking today....April 15, 2016 from now until you go to bed tonight. Maybe get a little exercise, eat your favorite carryout, take a nap, eat some ice cream.....

Fly N Buy

Welcome -

Have you considered speaking with professionals within the mental health system? Alcohol for me was one of the symptoms of other underlying issues. PA is well resourced for social services - perhaps reaching out would be a really good first step.

Glad you're here on SR -

Delilah1

Hi Tati,

I'm sorry about your move and your thumb! Lots of good advice above. You will find an incredibly supportive community on SR, so spend some time reading and posting.

Also, I can promise you the anxiety starts to lessen with sober time. It may be helpful to make an appointment with a doctor to talk about how you are feeling right now.

Looking forward to seeing you on SR.

❤️ Delilah

yinzer

Anxiety and cravings will decrease with time! I didn't want to give up my drink either, but it was like a bad boyfriend....a little pleasure for a bunch of agony. Not worth it. Much better once you get away from it for a while.

totfit

Welcome. Moving on sober in life is tough, especially when our self-esteem is low, which I would guess covers about 99% of us whether we admit it or not. I would guess you are a bit learning disabled in Math. I only say that because you are obviously an intelligent woman from the way you write, so there is a contrast. I would not let that get you down. There are a lot of folks that passed the math that come no where near your intellect. Take your intellect and plan a sober life a step at a time. Small daily moves forward will build your self-esteem and sobriety. While you may feel trapped and even hopeless at times, that is merely a feeling. The reality is that life offers limitless opportunities. Not always can we do exactly what we "think" we want, but there are limitless opportunities nonetheless. Take your strengths and own them. Put the cork in the bottle and a small step at a time start "living". You may not even notice as your life improves, but at some point you will look back and say, "wow".

thomas11

Hi tati, I believe sometimes we get comfortable in the confines of our own little world, and when that little world includes daily drinking, it becomes more and more burdensome. Sometimes breaking down barriers and expanding horizons can help provide a different perspective. In gaining that different perspective we understand that drinking is keeping us in chains as opposed to allowing us to live life. A much more fulfilling life.

It sounds like because of your circumstances you are currently limited in your daily activities, and drinking is one of them. If you eliminate drinking, you might be able to explore other things, and you might like those other things. If that makes any sense. I'm glad you are ok after cutting your hand.

Tati

Yeah i've definitely been contemplating seeing a therapist. In my last stint of rehab I had AN amazing counselor. I miss her so much. I'm kind of iffy on therapy though, because I know what my problems are I just need guidance I guess? I dunno, but yeah I my alcoholism is cause of my severe anxiety and depression.