life1681

After what started out as a positive day, has now left me frustrated and feeling way down. I cooked as I said I was going to and it came out really good, then the talk with my husband came along, I told him everything I have been hiding from him about this past relapse, again how sorry I am for the hurt and worry I have put him through and where I would like to see us in the future. Spilling my heart out to him, yes he listened, and when I asked for his thoughts there were none. We finished or should I say I finished talking and when I was done he got up and started working on a project for work, I really want to make things right with him, I love him so much, but I don't think we are going to make it, I don't think there is anything I can do to fix what I have done. I'm not ready for him to be totally out of my life, I really don't know how to cope with that. I have had several thoughts of a glass of wine since I spoke to him, but I know that if I did that I would be breaking a promise to myself, and putying my health at risk even more than i already have. I just don't understand how throughout the years I have forgiven, no matter how hurt or angry, but I don't get the same in return. Just so damn frustrated right now....

Ariesagain

Has he always been a non-talker when it comes to emotional issues?

Anna

I'm sorry that the talk didn't go well. Unfortunately, there isn't much that you can 'say' to your husband right now. The best thing you can do is to focus on yourself and your recovery. Do whatever you can for yourself to stay sober. Your husband will see by your actions that you are changing, but things may or may not work out. Whatever happens, you will be okay.

life1681

Well actually yes. More along the lines of he doesn't go out of his way to start a conversation about his emotions. But he always gave some kind of feedback when I would start a conversation about how I was feeling about something going on. He is way more closed off than I am used to. I just need to catch my breath here for a minute, right now I feel all over the place and very afraid I lost a very special man

life1681

Anna right now all I feel is fear..... I know I have to focus on me but I always thought at the end of it all there would still be him and I. But I do know I betrayed his trust and together or apart I know it takes time to rebuild and earn back,

Ariesagain

Try not to future doom. It may just be that he's processing what you said. It may be that he's just waiting to see if actions follow the words. Maybe he just doesn't know what to say or how he feels.

Regardless, your next steps are the same, right? Staying sober, even if your butt falls off.

Sending you a hug.

doggonecarl

Let him process the news you delivered. Perhaps he's skeptical. Has he heard, "I'll quit, I promise" before? All you can do is stay focused on your recovery and your committment to be sober. If you have any chance as a couple, it will stand a better chance if you are sober.

And stop future tripping. The energy you are expending worrying about what might happen is energy you should be using to work on yourself.

stillpooh19

My husband gets really quiet when he does not know how to respond to me, especially since I have been sober. He says he needs time to process, maybe this is what your husband is doing. Give it a little time. Hearing things you have never heard before from a spouse can be a little overwhelming.

life1681

Yes doggonecarl he has heard it ALL before.... and Yes my sobriety means the world to me, I will remain on track but I have to be honest, if I hadn't found this site I don't know if I would have a bottle or not. I came here first right after our conversation

least

You can stay sober but you must want to be sober more than you want to drink.

Give him time to watch you get better.

thomas11

Stay sober life, its the best chance you have. The way I understand it, he said nothing. I'm a guy, and sometimes that's a good thing (or the best you can hope for right now).

life1681

I truly believe that my choice to come here rather than the wine store is a huge indicator of how much I WANT to stay sober more than I want a drink. I will give him all the time in the world to see my actions in motion rather than repetitive words. It's just very hard for me to face the reality that I caused all this.

Ariesagain

Alcohol caused all this. Now you know you need to kick it to the curb and get back to your one life, already in progress.

life1681

Thomas you understood correctly, I will say that as I was talking he truly was listening. Thinking I might want to focus on the point that he IS still willing to listen. My vow to stay sober will continue, I have to believe and have faith that there are more happy times for me down the road

life1681

Aries, thank you for reminding me..... gonna kick this beasts tushy..... my AV is on for a rude of wakening

Dee74

I'd give your husband a little space.

Sometimes our loved ones need a little time to process stuff especially if you've not broached the subject before

I know you feel scared, but sometimes we just need to trust things will be ok

In the meantime you have support here - always

D

entropy1964

I'm sorry you're hurting. I don't know your situation very well so I can only share my experience.

I have hurt people with my drunken behavior. People I love. People that love me but don't understand this addiction. I have lost people I love. All I can do is own my side, try to recover and do the right thing. I cannot control when and how my loved ones choose to recover from the damage I've done. I cannot control whether or not they forgive. And I cannot expect them to understand this baffling and insane addiction. It's like asking me to understand any kind of psychilogical illness that I don't suffer from. Impossible. An active alcohilic is a scary thing to a normie. I can only move forward, not drink and hope that relationships can be repaired..

It helps me to read in the friends and family of alcohilics forum. It hurts at times but it's very sobering to see just how much I've hurt the ones I love with my insanity.

teatreeoil007

Some people don't do well with silence. Others thrive on it. I don't know which was worse growing up: My dad's drinking or my mother's reaction(s) to his drinking. Honestly, I think her behavior was more damaging as she seemed to try and pick fights with him and seemed to know all the buttons to push. You know, he was not a mean, obnoxious drunk, but her nagging got to feel way obnoxious to me and in being able to process it with my siblings we all agree that there were many times that she just needed to leave him alone. Of course, what good does it do to dwell on the past. It's done. My parents did the best they could with tools they had and how they were raised. It's made me think about not pushing people too far and not 'forcing' the issue. It seems to come back around to just working on yourself and being the best person you can be regardless of what others are doing.

FLCamper

I'm with Carl - you're worrying about the future a lot. You'll cope with whatever happens. And that will go much better if you're sober. Don't drink and don't try to predict the future.
My very best to you. Let us know how it evolves.