life1681

I am B, 47 years old Mom of two beautiful kids and married for 26 years. When my kids were little NOTHING meant more to me than being the best Mom and wife I could be, sure we had ups and downs but we made it through. I guess I started to let alcohol take over my existence about 4 to 5 years ago, my kids grew graduated from H.S. and joined the army, I was the epitome of empty nest syndrome.... Days that were filled with errands and running from band practice to baseball practice, keeping house and cooking dinner, everything I thrived on were over. As the kids got older and spent more and more time away from the house with friends and such I grew more and more lonely, and when they were gone all together because hey that's what they are supposed to do, I became devestatingly lonely, my husband who has always been the I guess the best way to say it is the stronger less emotional of us both, would try to tell me that this is what is supposed to happen and we have to let them go, thought he was being supportive but to me it felt cold.alcohol issues started because of boredom, had nothing to do when I wasn't working, and the silence of the house was deafening. Initially drinking started out as a way to numb myself of the fact that my life was changing, and initially brought joy, I would relive the memories of when the kids were young listen to music clean and dance around the house, I felt whole again. And as any predator, that was the trickery into alcoholism. I have tried many times to quit and failed, I have been to psychologists, groups, and Dr's but I still couldn't get it right, after a while alcohol wasn't fun anymore it was now a numbing agent that allowed me to take all my anger and loneliness and put it on my husband, the awful hurtful things I have said to him have taken its toll on our marriage. He has been so consumed with worrying about me that he has become resentful bitter and angry. Before this attempt to clean up my act I was drinking 4 to 6 bottles of wine a day. And quickly drinking in the morning or whenever I woke up to calm the anxiety, and shaking, just to be comfortable. I am on day 7 now of no alcohol, and the symptoms are worse than they ever were this time to include audio and visual hallucinations, I can still determine though what is reality and what is not, but this go around is the most scared I have ever been, scared enough that I know I have to beat this but I am doing it alone, so glad I found SR, embarrassment and fear of judgement has kept me from reaching out to family and the disappointment I feel in myself is overwhelming at times. Hoping that here I can be myself.

Coldfusion

Welcome, B!

Seven days sober is an awesome achievement--and now you have found a great source of inspiration and information. Read around and post often--it works if you work it!

TryingSoHard

Hi, and welcome to SR.

Please know you are not alone. Many of the people here, myself included, know exactly how you feel and what you're going through. Please believe that you can definitely be yourself here! I have shared many ugly truths about myself here and gotten love, support, and encouragement in return.

Congratulations on 7 days. That's great. Don't beat yourself up. I know the embarrassment and shame that we can inflict on ourselves... it's not worth it. It serves no useful purpose. Be kind to yourself.

I hope you continue to reach out.
TSH

Delilah1

Welcome to SR!! Seven days is a great start, do you have a plan to help you stay sober?

life1681

Thank you both so much. Even when I was seeing a counselor, I never felt safe or secure enough to tell all.. one of the most embarrassing things is that doing what I do for a living, I KNOW better. I have apologized to my husband for the hurtful things I have said and done to him while drinking, he calls it my Dr jeckyl Mr Hyde side, but all this time of dealing with it has taken its toll and he me yesterday he is looking for somewhere else to stay, it is taking a lot of strength to not go get a bottle, and I'm scared to death of being completely alone, he moved out of our bedroom about a year now but there was still comfort in him being here. What this beast has done to me and the people I love? Words cannot describe, all I know is that I hate it and if alcoholism was a real person standing in front of me? I would kill it. With no remorse....

life1681

Right now I have put myself on healthy eating, vitamins, to restore all the ones depleted by the alcohol, and sheer determination. I know I have to come up with more but I am going one say at a time

yinzer

Congrats on day 7. It won't be an easy road, but you can come back. Getting back into the bottle will just compound the problems more. Sounds like you might benefit by talking to a counselor about the underlying issues that fueled your drinking.
You've got a good start and you'll get a lot of good advice and support here. Most of us have messed up plenty during our drinking days.

life1681

Thank you yin...... I have fallen quite a few times, and so not proud of some of my actions, I have been to counselors, but I guess I just haven't found a good fit with one yet. There is a different feel to this time though, not quite sure what it is but it's driving my determination to remain sober

Dee74

Hi and welcome B

The time line here isn't really clear to me, but if you're still experiencing hallucinations and not sure what's real or what's not, it's best to see your Dr right away.

I hope you're not

D

Soberween

Hi I'm a Virginian too and my story is very similar to yours. Never had a drinking problem when the kids were little, but as they became more independent and no longer needed me and eventually moved out and my nest was empty, my drinking escalated dramatically. I would quit drinking on my own through sheer willpower and I would be white knuckling it for years at a time and then would relapse, quit again, rinse, repeat. I finally found a women's AA closed meeting and once I started working the program, the miracle of contented sobriety slowly emerged. I've now been sober for several years and am happier than I have ever been. I have no desire to drink ever again. When I was doing it on my own without working a program of recovery and the help of others who have the same disease, I would say to myself "okay, only 30 more years of this non-drinking **** and then I die." It does not have to be that way. Make a recovery plan. It doesn't have to be AA. There are many other non-secular programs that have helped millions of people. By trial and error, you will find out what works for you. Early recovery is very daunting, but it gets better and better with every passing day. Waking up feeling great never gets old. I truly thought I'd never have fun again once I knew I had to quit drinking, but I love life now. I was totally enslaved to that bottle of wine and it was no fun whatsoever. Keep coming here and feel free to PM if you need someone to talk to that understands. Good luck!

life1681

Dee, no those are over, I actually started going through withdrawal before quitting all together, I cut back significantly for two weeks before stopping entirely 7 days ago, the hallucinations started the 2nd week of cutting back into the first few days of no alcohol at all it has been 4 days without feeling like bugs were on me or hearing things like music in the distance or someone calling my name. But just to be clear I always knew what was real and what was not, I never lost sense of reality. What I am experiencing now is I'm very tired, some muscle twitches, body aches and such. Taking vitamins to put back what I have depleted.

Thumpalumpacus

Stay strong, hon.

life1681

Thank you for sharing with me, it's very comforting to know that I'm not the only mom who has gone through the sad feelings and emptiness of children growing up. I was a very heavy drinker for 4 to 5 years, the last two and a half years have been a series of get help, be ok, relapse. I have not tried AA but really think that might be in my best interest this go around. As I stated this time feels different in a good way, I'm actually glad the withdrawal symptoms were worse this time, it scared me enough to know next time could kill me and I DO NOT want to leave my family behind with all the pain that I CAUSED. And I think finding this forum is going to be a god send. I just have to figure out what meetings AA has in my area and when they are.

Steely

I think you should see a doctor if you are experiencing hallucinations.

I know it has been 7 days, and that's great, but seizure can occur even up to 10 days later. Hope this is not the case, and can't understand why your husband has not sought medical assessment/assistance for you.

There are lots of women here who understand your situation so please keep posting.

Steely

Sorry, have just understood that the hallucinations are no longer. Thank goodness. Hope you keep coming back.

Soberwolf

Welcome Life

life1681

Oh I plan on coming back, hope you guys don't get tired of me. I cannot fault my husband for not seeking medical treatment for me this time, it was very easy for me to hide both relapse and withdrawal from him. First we sleep in different rooms, he works days and I work nights, so we barely see each other. My husband was the first person years ago to notice the issues I was having with alcohol. And he dealt with being my verbal punching bag when I went from the happy drinker to the nasty one, he took the brunt of it all. And alcohol is the reason for the different bedrooms. I can't blame him for being at the end of his rope. And so thankful that despite how much I have hurt him, he only left the bedroom at the time. I became really good at covering my tracks, or so I thought. I keep close eye on my BP and heart rate. And thankful that kidney and liver function are returning to more normal. Part of my decision to quit also was the change in my urinary and fecal output. I have a medical background so I'm keeping on top of my vitals and blood work, unfortunate to say I did do some damage to my liver but thankfully it can reverse itself as its not to far gone. Right now my determination is strong, but I've been there before lord knows, and as I said in a previous post, going to look for an AA group near me

life1681

Thank you for the welcome in reading the posts and replies to my post, you all seem so wonderful and make me feel comfortable.

Jsbodhi

Welcome! Xoxo

life1681

Doing the best I can thump, one day at a time, thank you for the encouragement