Mudruck

Other then on going resentment, in column 4 all I can see us that
Selfish: us past to justify my behaviour, I see my part
Self seeking: control manipulate to change outcomes,
Dishonest: I have lied, to others and myself,
Fear: any of above can bring on fear. If I can't control Ito fear it.
This whole step makes me angry.
Try to apply it to an ongoing resentment and all I get is let go and let God
God can't remove or fix the other person no more then I can.
So that leaves "what"

Tommyh

fear is under the resentment and because I have the fear, I get mad when people,institutions or principles don`t give me what I think I want and need or I felt like they are going to take it from me.Maybe even scared of what they think of me
so,I prayed the sick mans prayer (in the big book)after column 3
then I did as you did,I went to column 4
I looked at me, not them
then I wrote out the answers to these questions on each resentment as best I could
selfish?
what did I want?
dishonest
a-what was the lie I told myself?
b-what would I not get or receive?
c-I thought_______________
d-I told myself____________
e-I pretended_______________
self seeking
a-what did I do to get what I wanted?(my selfish actions based on my selfish motives)
b-how did I manipulate?
frightened
a-what was I afraid of?
b-what might I lose or not get?
c-what was the fear?(name it by name and transfer it to your fear list later on.)


give it a try if you want too and see what happens

sg1970

Perhaps you are focusing on the wrong person.

Bunny211

What helped me when it came to the fear portion of my turnarounds was thinking of two things. These were ALWAYS a part of each turnaround.

A) I'm afraid of not getting what I want
B) I'm afraid of not keeping what I have

Then my sponsor had me break these down further.
What did I want....Maybe I wanted to have my boyfriend buy me that expensive present but really deep down I was afraid of not getting it ...which could make me fell unloved. So my fear would be of not being loved. Or maybe I wanted the present to show off what a great BF I had. So the fear would be "I'm afraid of not looking good, not being envied, not being worshiped." The A and B above are good starting points for going deeper into your fears.

Centered3

You may not see what you need to see until your 5th step. Just keep writing.

It's okay to become angry, just don't stay angry. Ask your higher power to take your anger away so you can write from a more peaceful place.

The "what" is that we learn to let go. We learn that we can have peace of mind IF we stop being upset by external circumstances--by other people's behavior, action, words, etc. We can't change them, but we can choose how to react to them--no reaction is a reaction.

You'll also see that anger stems from fear. Fear of not getting your way, fear of losing something you have, fear of not getting what you want, fear of other people's opinions, fear of.... whatever it is. And that fears originated from a very young age. We can choose now not to react based on fears that were created from a very long time ago.

God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Does my post p**s you off? Maybe that's a good thing. Keep writing. You'll get it. It took me a long time but I eventually got it.

If you have an ongoing resentment, take a step back and see that we can't change how someone treats us. And that how they treat us says more about THEM than it does us. I'm not discounting that some people are just a&&holes. That's not the point. This step is not to be invalidating. It's to show us "our part" in the RESENTMENT. Not our part in WHAT HAPPENED. Our part in our THINKING, BEHAVIOR, AND REACTION TO LIFE.

I hope that makes sense. It will click. Just look at the selfish, self-centered, dishonest, and fearful parts. Oh, and don't get caught up in those words. No one is saying you (we) are selfish or self-centered. It's a spiritual type of selfishness.

Here's an example, if it'd help:

I cannot stand how my sibling talks to me. So this is an ongoing resentment. She is very arrogant, whiny, harsh, and militant in her speak. It feels belittling. But you know what? No one can belittle me if I don't allow them to. Once I stopped wanting her to act differently, and be differently, and just let her be, the resentment went away. Once I stopped allowing the way she speaks to me affect me, I found peace. Of course I don't stand for it if she's abusive, but that's more an Al-anon thing with boundaries. But I have also calmly (and firmly at times) made her aware of how she speaks to me. As God's children, we don't grovel (that's from the big book).

Here this is as a 4th step example:

Who: my sister
Resentment: The way she speaks to me
Effected my: self-esteem, pride, emotional security, personal relations, ambition, (fear)

4th column:

Selfish: I wanted her to talk to me differently.
Dishonest: The lie I told myself was that she talks to me that way because I'm not good enough and she thinks I deserve to be talked to like that.
Self-seeking: I acted out by venting to my spouse about her. Acted like a victim. Drank over it.
Frightened: Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being less than. Fear of being talked down to. Fear of not being worthy.

Solution: Trust and rely on God. I ask Him to remove my fear (which is self-will/ego) and direct my attention to what He would Have me be and do instead. God wants me to be courageous, and not let other people's behavior, words, or actions affect my inner peace. God also wants me to know that the only opinion that matters in life is His, not other people's, and that other people (like my sister) are spiritually sick themselves. How someone treats me is not my fault. It's not personal. If it wasn't me, it'd be someone else. People who are blocked from God don't go around treating people badly. They're in EGO not in spirit.

I hope this helped. I usually don't like to share this much, but I had so much anger writing my 4th step just like you did. It's gone now. I trusted the process.