At a loss

Old 04-11-2016, 04:15 AM
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At a loss

As I write this, I am literally at a loss on where to go from here. When wife left for rehab, I was finished with our marriage, simply because of past alcoholism and addiction and it was her second go round with rehab, and she had went to the hospital telling them she wanted to end her life. There's no easy way to say this, but while she was at rehab, I had an affair, to which I told her when she got home and we were working through it. She didn't want me to leave and we even starred talking about planning trips for the family.

But last night she decided to get a half pint of vodka and drink it, got drunk, and told me the reason was because I was through since I had the affair.

I told her I was through when she left for rehab, but wanted to work on our marriage and we had both done bad things; though it didn't absolve what I did, simply because she had her addictive past, we were moving forward, so I thought.

I realize I messed up and nothing I can say can change what I did. I am at a loss of what to do.
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Old 04-11-2016, 04:40 AM
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confused.....it sounds like you both have tons of work to do. It also sounds like the wheels have really come off the marriage wagon....and it is over in the ditch.....and, trust levels are approaching zero....

LOL...when one is "finished" with a marriage---best to finish the paper work, first....

Are you in any kind of therapy, support group, etc. for yourself?
Have you ever co nsidered a legal separation .....to give yourself space and time for some clarity?
You can't control her and her quest for sobriety (or not)....I am sure that you must be getting that messag, by now.....

She is going to do what she is going to do. The question, as always, is---what are you going to do.....since yourself is all that you have control over......

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Old 04-11-2016, 05:34 AM
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If you were ready to leave her, enough to have an affair, why are you so upset that she wants to leave you?

It doesn't really matter who leaves who now does it?
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Old 04-11-2016, 05:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread View Post
If you were ready to leave her, enough to have an affair, why are you so upset that she wants to leave you?

It doesn't really matter who leaves who now does it?
I am not upset that she wants to leave me, because she doesn't. I am at a loss simply because I caused this time to happen and I do not know what to do. I messed up and I am owning that.
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Old 04-11-2016, 05:48 AM
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Your affair is not a reason to drink, its an excuse to drink. So now you know, Rehab didn't work.

As for your affair, you were checked out of the marriage. I applaud you for telling her when you decided to try to keep the marriage intact, but I am also sympathetic to her as its a hard pill to swallow. Her alcoholism did not MAKE you sleep with someone else just like your sleeping with someone else did not MAKE her decide to drink. You told her, and she made the decision to pursue making the marriage work. There is an awful lot of forgiveness that needs to occur in this marriage. You need serious marital counseling - but that won't work with an active alcoholic.

Your boundary was if she relapsed again you were done. Stick to it and enforce your boundary or this is going to be a rockier road than before. Dismiss the accountability and "where fault lies" questions, you both aren't at fault for what the other chose to do. You are each only responsible for your own actions.
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Old 04-11-2016, 05:52 AM
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Originally Posted by confused0507 View Post
I am not upset that she wants to leave me, because she doesn't. I am at a loss simply because I caused this time to happen and I do not know what to do. I messed up and I am owning that.

This is textbook CODEPENDENT thinking. You did NOT cause her to drink. Period. You have BOTH messed up.

You really need to address your codependency. Have you attended Al Anon?
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Old 04-11-2016, 05:55 AM
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You didn't cause her relapse. She could have chosen to do two hundred other things in response to having painful emotions rather than drink. It's just how she's rationalizing and blame shifting.

She's had two stints in rehab and just relapsed. What's possibly more concerning is the lack of understanding that her drinking is on her, no one else.

So do you have a therapist or someone who can help you decide what you want to do?
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Old 04-11-2016, 06:05 AM
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OK Confused, you're back with an alcoholic. The sober wife is gone. Put aside your own 'sins' and bring it back to basics; you don't want to be married to an alcoholic.

No doubt she'll throw the affair in your face, and that's fair enough, but the main reason you joined this forum was that you couldn't take the alcoholism any more. At least now, you know where you stand. Please don't let guilt about the affair stop you seeing the way forward.
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Old 04-11-2016, 06:08 AM
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I have been to al-anon on multiple occasions and have not been to counseling since she has been home.
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Old 04-11-2016, 06:38 AM
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confused....the way I see it---finding an individual therapist for yourself would be the "next right thing to do".

As for the affair....you have owned it. Wallowing in guilt over it will not help you or her in the least. I trust that you have learned a lesson from it.....and, that is the real take away....
Have you thought of a separation...?

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Old 04-11-2016, 07:56 AM
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If you have been to Al-Anon you may have heard this before but it might be a good time to remember the 3 C's

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it

What you can do is Contribute to the healthiness in your life & in your home ~
so what you may need to evaluate what is the Next Right Thing for You, while allowing your wife to do the same for herself.

wishing you both the very best
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Old 04-11-2016, 08:08 AM
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Argh Confused. This is indeed tough stuff.

What do you need to take care of yourself? What is the next right action?

For many of us, we had to get the heck-out-of-Dodge but there were usually steps we had to take to get there. Some of these steps were trying to make things work before giving up hope.

Let the guilt come; feel it; let it go and learn everything you can from it. (Unfortunately for me the emotion will come back multiple times for a long long time)
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Old 04-11-2016, 08:21 AM
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You did not in any way influence her to get that vodka. You might have given her one mighty excuse though. She did not go and have an affair with another man, or do something else to hurt you back, but oh, she went straight to that bottle.

Hey, I divorced my husband, no affairs or infidelity of any kind, and what he does after divorce? Killing himself with alcohol more than ever.

Just trying to say that if they want an excuse, they will find it. There is nothing you can do about it.

But once you do feel like being with someone else, there are some questions to ask yourself and be honest to yourself, and your partner.
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Old 04-11-2016, 08:30 AM
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Here is the thing. You screwed up with the affair. You have owned it, and are working towards regaining her trust. In no way am I minimizing that, but definitely I am saying you did not make her drink.

The thing about an addictive personality is that any little trigger will set it off. I learned that the hard way with my X. In life, there will always be issues. Sadness, happiness, death, physical and mental problems, you name it. It's her choice if she is going to pick up again when these things happen. Many, many addicts do. The ones who do not fight that urge every day, for the rest of their lives. It's a huge commitment only one person can make, her.
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Old 04-11-2016, 08:48 AM
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I almost don't even think of this as an "affair"--as far as you were concerned the marriage was OVER, you weren't taking her back, you were separated, and the formalities had to wait until she was out of rehab. I don't think under those circumstances the vows are still binding--that's more a moral issue than anything else, and if you believe divorce isn't unforgivable you did nothing that appalls me, personally.

And yes, she went back to drinking because, in her mind, you would be waiting there like a faithful puppy when she came home, regardless of what she and her drinking have put you through. That was HER mistake. The return to drinking is on her, not you. If you made a mistake it was probably sharing with her that you had been with someone else.

Don't carry around the guilt of responsibility for her drinking. If you need counseling to become convinced of that and let it go, get it.
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Old 04-11-2016, 01:24 PM
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My XAH drank because I didn't clean the house.

Then he drank because I did. (No joke)

He drank because I didn't love him enough,
Because I loved him too much,
Because he needed space,
Because I wasn't there,
Because I asked about the budget,
Because I wouldn't let him spend money,
Because I decided not to care about money,
Because I needed him too much,
Because I was too independent,
Because I wouldn't quit my job,
Because I didn't want to move,
Because we moved,
Because he was lonely,
Because I never did anything for him,
Because I was successful (his words),
Because I wasn't a good mother,
Because I cared more about the kids than him
Because...

That's just what I came up with in 5 minutes after an 18 year marriage. There are so very many more.

The day I called BS and said--
NO. You drink because you want to drink. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with me.--
he claims is also the day that I became so unsupportive that he fell into the arms of his girlfriend. So I caused that too. Lol.

You'd think I could move mountains with a wave of my finger! (But oh how heavy those mountains were as they sat on my shoulders.)

My recent X claimed that us moving in together caused him to relapse. ??? Yet he wanted to do it and was excited... (He is actually recovering now and has retracted that statement saying it was wrong and he didn't know how sick he was.)

Just food for thought. Listen to those saying you didn't cause it...you're always only responsible for yourself.
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Old 04-11-2016, 01:41 PM
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what is the best course of action for the CHILDREN here?

MOM drinks, alot, and is therefore absorbed in self.
MOM goes off to rehab, again to get self sorted.
DAD is dazed and confused - and rightly so.
DAD is freaked out about MOM coming back.
DAD has himself a fling on the side.
MOM returns from rehab and is drinking again within two weeks.

meanwhile........the kids are living in CHAOS, with both parents really caught up in each others stuff AND THEIR OWN....
and they must be so confused and scared and full of self blame............
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Old 04-11-2016, 04:15 PM
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Confused,

You have repeatedly not followed through on clearly telling your wife the marriage was over. You could have enforced a boundary while she was in rehab and had her head to sober living.

Instead on her first night home from rehab you tried to sabotage her sobriety with a review of her last week and a video.

Now you've admitted to an affair.

You desperately need help regarding your codependency. Your behavior with your wife is exceedingly passive aggressive.
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Old 04-12-2016, 01:09 PM
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This is a really tough situation and I'm sorry for what it's putting you all through, especially the kids. Don't think I need to point out again that you didn't force her to drink, and she didn't force you to have an affair and that two wrongs don't make a right.

What's done is done. For some people, addiction is a deal breaker and for others infidelity is a deal breaker. Yes, the marriage is in big trouble, but it sounds like it has already been in big trouble...that can often lead to affairs and addictions. Can it be repaired and to what lengths are you willing to go to? Do you want to save your marriage? I personally believe that if two people have a strong desire to mend the wounds and get help, it can be done. Gonna take a whole lot of forgiveness on both your parts as forgiveness is needed to heal those wounds. I wish you both the best. Hang in there...

It is tempting to want to 'get back' at people who have hurt us and to want to have some control because we seem to think that if we can 'control it' we can stop bad things from happening again. Making her watch a video that would only bring more pain to her I think is your way of somehow proving a point and perhaps a bit spiteful and doesn't really do anything to heal the wounds.

You've BOTH got to think in terms of what it's going to take to heal the wounds.
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Old 04-12-2016, 01:20 PM
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Yeah, it's almost as if you kind of dropped a bomb on your wife when she just came home from rehab: "Here, watch this pathetic video of you at your worst, and by the way, I had an affair while you were in rehab." Oh my....I mean, yeah, she has hurt you a LOT from her drinking and it sounds as if she has been neglectful to the family. And, maybe the reality is that you have already divorced her in your heart?
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