A Life Worth Living
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 189
A Life Worth Living
I have never thought my life was anything other than normal. In fact, I still don’t. However, recently I have been reflecting on my life and the events therein. I see much more clearly how events in my life have perhaps played a part in my drinking problem. This may seem to many as a no-brainer, but we each have to come to these conclusions ourselves, on our own time, in our own way.
I once had a best friend. That friend that you trust more than any other. That friend you know you can talk to without judgment. That friend was my mother. She was the best person I’ve ever know. There is no replacement. I watched her die six years ago. Saw the life drain from her. It was devastating. I have never fully recovered. I miss her terribly.
Five years ago, I found my boyfriend just after he took a handful of pills. I was watching him die. I called 911, frantic for help. I could see his lips turn blue, his face turn white, his eyes lose spark. I could not imagine my life without him. It is with extreme joy that I tell you that he survived. We are still together. We married in 2012.
To go a bit further back, I was driving to my parent’s house to visit. I had my young son and his friend in my car. I noticed some activity in my parent’s front yard. I pulled into the driveway and saw may father crouched down over someone on the front lawn. It was my brother. He had cut his own throat.
It was probably around two to three years ago that alcohol changed for me. No longer was I drinking periodically for fun. It was progressive; tiny steps over time to something more sinister.
my worst moment (there were many bad ones of course) was in January of this year. Waking up in the snow, minus 20 degrees, four in the morning, no recollection. Close to hypothermia, my phone dead. I hailed a car over and asked the person to call 911. Whilst in the ambulance, I was told that my pants were undone. The police were called and I was checked for assault. I still have no recollection of that night. Maybe that's a good thing.
I went to rehab. Cost over ten grand for two weeks. Darn expensive, but it was life-changing. I cannot express how important this time of my life was for me. This is where I realized how life-changing these events were in my life. Again, no-brainer, right? But no. It’s not!
And, even with all the past drinking, near-death experiences, I thought I was different. That I was not a slave to alcohol. That I can be a normal drinker. I got plastered in late March. One glass of wine with my friend turned into many. I don’t remember most of the evening.
At what point do I get it? Seriously. At what point to I realize that I have made a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol and that I can’t go back to the person I once was?
Well, that day was last Tuesday. It all came crashing down on me. Instead of feeling depressed, guilty, ashamed and ready to just give up, I had a “WTF” moment. Of course I am different than I was before! I cannot be the person I once was. I am changing all the time. I am growing. I am learning. I am strong! I can overcome any obstacle life throws at me, damnit. I love myself, flaws and all. Past mistakes are just that, the past. If I can overcome tragedy, then I certainly can overcome my relationship with alcohol. To partially quote Least, “I just do NOT want to drink more than I do.” So true. So very true. I am not saying I just let go of alcohol overnight, like "Poof" not more want. Thoughts still linger, but that, I see now, is normal.
Tuesday was one of the best days of my life.
Thank you for reading. And thank you…THANK YOU…for being the wonderful people that you are. SR plays no small part in my recovery.
V
I once had a best friend. That friend that you trust more than any other. That friend you know you can talk to without judgment. That friend was my mother. She was the best person I’ve ever know. There is no replacement. I watched her die six years ago. Saw the life drain from her. It was devastating. I have never fully recovered. I miss her terribly.
Five years ago, I found my boyfriend just after he took a handful of pills. I was watching him die. I called 911, frantic for help. I could see his lips turn blue, his face turn white, his eyes lose spark. I could not imagine my life without him. It is with extreme joy that I tell you that he survived. We are still together. We married in 2012.
To go a bit further back, I was driving to my parent’s house to visit. I had my young son and his friend in my car. I noticed some activity in my parent’s front yard. I pulled into the driveway and saw may father crouched down over someone on the front lawn. It was my brother. He had cut his own throat.
It was probably around two to three years ago that alcohol changed for me. No longer was I drinking periodically for fun. It was progressive; tiny steps over time to something more sinister.
my worst moment (there were many bad ones of course) was in January of this year. Waking up in the snow, minus 20 degrees, four in the morning, no recollection. Close to hypothermia, my phone dead. I hailed a car over and asked the person to call 911. Whilst in the ambulance, I was told that my pants were undone. The police were called and I was checked for assault. I still have no recollection of that night. Maybe that's a good thing.
I went to rehab. Cost over ten grand for two weeks. Darn expensive, but it was life-changing. I cannot express how important this time of my life was for me. This is where I realized how life-changing these events were in my life. Again, no-brainer, right? But no. It’s not!
And, even with all the past drinking, near-death experiences, I thought I was different. That I was not a slave to alcohol. That I can be a normal drinker. I got plastered in late March. One glass of wine with my friend turned into many. I don’t remember most of the evening.
At what point do I get it? Seriously. At what point to I realize that I have made a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol and that I can’t go back to the person I once was?
Well, that day was last Tuesday. It all came crashing down on me. Instead of feeling depressed, guilty, ashamed and ready to just give up, I had a “WTF” moment. Of course I am different than I was before! I cannot be the person I once was. I am changing all the time. I am growing. I am learning. I am strong! I can overcome any obstacle life throws at me, damnit. I love myself, flaws and all. Past mistakes are just that, the past. If I can overcome tragedy, then I certainly can overcome my relationship with alcohol. To partially quote Least, “I just do NOT want to drink more than I do.” So true. So very true. I am not saying I just let go of alcohol overnight, like "Poof" not more want. Thoughts still linger, but that, I see now, is normal.
Tuesday was one of the best days of my life.
Thank you for reading. And thank you…THANK YOU…for being the wonderful people that you are. SR plays no small part in my recovery.
V
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Vona
I'm sorry for your many trauma's. I can relate. It is easy to live in the past, obsess on it. This, for me, can become a major fuel to drink...drink away the pain and the non stop flashbacks. But the only way to move on is to do just that. Some things simply can't be 'worked through', only let go. Best of luck to you.
I'm sorry for your many trauma's. I can relate. It is easy to live in the past, obsess on it. This, for me, can become a major fuel to drink...drink away the pain and the non stop flashbacks. But the only way to move on is to do just that. Some things simply can't be 'worked through', only let go. Best of luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 189
Thank you for the well wishes. I don't mean to be melodramatic with my post. That is not how I feel about my life really. Not today anyways. I do feel somewhat foolish for sharing such personal things, but I am trying to get past that type of self-talk. I have learned that being vulnerable can be very cathartic. SR is a great place to wear one's heart on one's sleeve. 
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
Wow, you've been through some tough experiences. Your post made me cry, (your tribute to your mother).
I can tell by the way you are writing that you have it in you to get sober and stay sober.
Bless and good luck
xx
I can tell by the way you are writing that you have it in you to get sober and stay sober.
Bless and good luck
xx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,781
You take care of yourself! You can do this!! Wishing you the best!!
“WHO cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness. It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us.
No other kind of bankruptcy is like this one. Alcohol, now become the rapacious creditor, bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands. Once this stark fact is accepted, our bankruptcy as going human concerns is complete.”
“WHO cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness. It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us.
No other kind of bankruptcy is like this one. Alcohol, now become the rapacious creditor, bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands. Once this stark fact is accepted, our bankruptcy as going human concerns is complete.”
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