JustAnotherDay

HighSince my last post where I was fed up with my ABFs drinking after the last few years I did what I said I'd do... Have him evicted. He was served with the papers and stopped drinking the next day. Went to AA at least once, if not twice a day for months.

That was 7 months ago. He started working everyday again and his business (he has his own business) has been exponentially picking up. I was worried about how much time he was obsessing over work. They say they'll replace drinking with other things to be "addicted" to. AA Meetings became less frequent and eventually stopped because he was "too busy".

Well, in the last week he's been drinking again. He knows I'd be livid and so he was being sneaky about it. But this isn't my first rodeo and I was suspicious from the get go. A few longer than average nights in the garage and I finally called him out. No fight just told him to clean his act up or he'd be out of the house. That was the deal, he has ONE responsibility and that was to keep sober. Two nights after this he came home both nights and drank in his truck.

Called him today as he was supposed to be doing some work for a colleague of mine (THANK GOD SHES NT HOME!) and he sounded like he'd already been drinking. I'm furious. Now what?? I made it very clear with the eviction notice that there would be absolutely no drinking in my house. I told him the other day I was playing his back n forth games for the rest of my life and if he isn't serious about sobriety then we would not be able to be together.

Should I just let him go for good? He seemed so convicted and on the right path. Other times he was forced to stop by the law or health issues but he'd done it on his own. I know there are slip ups but I want to nip it in the bud fast. I'm not going to lose another year of my life to active alcoholism. Help.

dandylion

JustAnotherDay......I don't think he really "gets" it.....that he has to work the program for the rest of his life if he wants to retain sobriety for the rest of his life. Sobriety has to be the central priority of his life.....

I think that you have to ask yourself the hard question....do you want to go through this again? Do you want to spend the rest of y our life looking over your shoulder....wondering if he is going to relapse, again , or not.....
Wondering if he wants sobriety as much as you want it FOR him....

You want to nip it in the bud, fast....but....does HE?

I know that you are afraid of losing the relationship.....because you (naturally) want to avoid that pain.
You are living in pain, right now....
One gets over the pain of a lost relationship...in time...
Deciding to leave a relationship for your own welfare involves short-term pain for long-term gain.....

You future life is in your own h ands. It depends on the kinds of decisions that YOU make.....
The outcomes from your decisions...good or bad....are your responsibilities......

I honestly, don't imagine that he is ready to really embrace sobriety....
Most alcoholics have a really hard time imagining never being able to never take a drink, ever again.....They will try to do controlled drinking....off and on.....sometimes, for years! Some will eventully "get it"...and, some never do....

Question is...how much can you take? How much do you want to take?

dandylion

CodeJob

Hello JustAnother,

It is up to you.

In my case, my H has stayed sober since rehab after I kicked him out of the house. It is three years this month. But I will say that he has some quirky OCD and intimacy issues. Even when they manage sobriety, it takes years of work to truly recover. One has to accept their personal high water mark might be nowhere near where you might think it should be.

I'm not sure how many of us on F&F have had that sort of sober time in a marriage. Not many, sadly. So stats are generally against your H and your marriage. I think every divorced person on this site had their partner relapse.

Our marriage is a lot different now and I've had to detach and let go (not my strong suit) of many, many expectations. My poor H also has lost his codependent door mat, so we both suffer from moments where we are on different footing.

So his recovery isn't your Boulder to push up the hill. You can let go and know numbers and his behaviors favor your decision. It's scary and sad to sit with the knowledge you can't 'save' your chosen life partner.

AnvilheadII

I made it very clear with the eviction notice that there would be absolutely no drinking in my house.

welp,either that is a hard and fast RULE or just another threat. he is DRINKING. period. no two ways about it. and if he's drinking, he's ACTIVE in his addiction.

Other times he was forced to stop by the law or health issues but he'd done it on his own.

no, he did NOT just one day up and decide to get sober.

He was served with the papers and stopped drinking the next day.

dandylion

JustAnotherDay......
I just skimmed through your past threads. It appears that you are still a young woman.....You have devoted 5yrs. of your l ife.
The years between 26 and 31 should be some of the most fun and carefree years of your life. It is the very prime of your life....The most energy and physical stamina and youthful optimism, etc....
And, yet...you have suffered abuse...verbal and emotional abuse...been lied to, called names, and blamed for the behavior of others...

You are placed on this earth to experience the joys of living.....you are entitled to thrive...not to just exist...and, certainly, not to suffer the abuse of others.....

You still have a lot of potentially great years ahead of you...where you CAN thrive....and be happy.....But, I think that the futu re possibilities will be greatly reduced if you are chained to the disease of alcoholism...holding you down l ike a heavy anchor.....

Now, I seldom give such a come to Jesus talk.....But, you have the precious gift of youth and time in your hands. You cannot buy those commodies it you had all the gold in the world....they are soo precious.....You only get them one time...you can't ever go back, once they are used up.....
Please, think twice before you squander them....

dandylion

wanttobehealthy

At risk of sounding harsh, YES.

You told him IF he is not sober THEN he can not live in your home.

You also stated that he has been drinking for the last week.

So, it seems to me that you laid out the groundwork of what would occur if this was the path he chose.

But now is the hard part of whether you hold him to the ultimatums you've set.

I was the QUEEN of saying "this is the last chance" and then giving 100 more chances. So I am not judging at all.

I am just kindly saying look at what you told us you have told him and then consider his reaction since.

It is clear he intends to drink, and lie and be sneaky about it.

If you can not live with that (as no one should have to), you've already clearly laid out for him what the consequence is.

But whether you feel comfortable pulling that trigger to have him go, is something only you can decide.

Did you think (as I did many times with my xAH) that the ultimatum alone would be enough to scare him into sobriety? I wish that were the case with these situations... I dont think it works that way too often if at all though.

LexieCat

I guarantee you that all this time he's been working up to this relapse.

Nobody can tell another person when to call it quits. Nobody can tell you whether he will or won't finally see the light and do the hard work of staying sober and learning to embrace it. Nobody can say what's his "tipping point" if he has one. About all you can say about him is that when his feet are to the fire he'll go through the motions of getting sober. For a while, anyway.

It all really boils down to how much you're willing to tolerate. Put aside what he will do if you do this or that. If that's your focus then you are still under the illusion that you can control what he does. Make your choice based on what's best for YOU. And only YOU can answer that question.

JustAnotherDay

That's where I'm at now... Do I honestly think he's ready to not be on a merry go round of sobriety? Cause it seems to me as the new wore off and he let it creep in because it's comfortable to go back to. Not working the program for LIFE is what seems to be the problem. It has to be his number 1 priority. Period. And it's not my job to make him DO anything. My effort level is remarkably low, I'm mad as hell but at the same time it hasn't been long enough for me to forget.

This one week he's been drinking and I expressed to him midweek that if he didn't get back into AA and if he was to come home drinking again I'd be at the court house Monday morning. Well, he's not went to AA and he's drinking so I'll be at the courthouse on Monday to, again, have him evicted. I'm not playing these games forever and it's sad because he was doing so well in the program but got comfortable and now here we are, right back to the same ol same ol.

I'm almost 30 and we have no children and I'm not waiting around on him. That's the problem, I'm not waiting and my tolerance is basically non-existent after a few years of nonsense. I have put in my time and effort but the fear of it being something that happens time and time again and the betrayal that goes with it, I've always questioned if I could handle that as I know its always likely to go along with the deal.

dandylion

JustAnotherDay......if you want to have children.....it is a fact, that at age 35, a woman's fertility drops off dramatically....and, is on a downward curve every year after that......
Another reason not to squander your youth.....

dandylion

wanttobehealthy

JustAnotherDay-- did you happen to see the Not This post I shared of an article I happened upon today?

It might be of comfort...

Liveitwell

I also posted something recently re our actions following our words....we spouses of alcohokics are famous for threatening and saying things and then backing off those...for one reason or another. You actions need to follow your words.

Hugs, friend. I know how hard it is.

FeelingGreat

Hi JAD, a slip up might be having a drink, immediately regretting it, and going right back on the wagon.

What you have here is a relapse. He's been drinking over several days, maybe even weeks, and whatever part of his brain that craves alcohol will have fired up again.

I've been sober for 4 years and I know that if I started drinking again, I'd be right back into it. That's why, in most cases, complete abstinence is the only viable path.

He's not dealt with whatever demons he has that drive him to drink, and this is going to happen over and over again until he does. Do you really want to stick around wasting your time?

caretaker88

Alcoholics are so good at blurring our boundaries. I know how difficult it is to stick to the rules you set for what you will and will not put up with. Somehow, that line keeps getting moved until we are backed into a corner, and many times, we lash out. This is our fault. We need to set boundaries and stick to them. I am so glad you are going to the courthouse to file the eviction paperwork. I know it hurts, but the pain is temporary. Now, if I could only convince myself of the same thing??!!!

redatlanta

I read through your threads. This will be the THIRD eviction notice you have filed. Each time you file he offers to get straight, you lay a boundary that if he drinks he is gone. He stays sober, you relinquish the eviction, then he starts drinking again.
You ignore your boundary, and go through this dance and pony show all over again.

You are trying to control and manage his alcoholism via threats. Like the boy who cried wolf, you have established a pattern to him that these eviction notices are meaningless. If you file another I imagine you will get less a reaction (maybe a little), because you have taught him that you don't really mean it.

You have made another declaration that if he didn't quit you would file tomorrow. I'd think on that a bit. This time you need to pull the trigger, go through with it, or don't bother. You do both of you a disservice by drawing lines in the sand, then stepping over them. He has a past of being very verbally abusive to you. You deserve better than this, and you're too damn young to waste your time on someone who is not in it to win it when it comes to recovery.

Bekindalways

Heya JAD, setting boundaries is pretty easy but most of us have a hard time sticking to them. I hope Monday goes well and you can stick this one although it is so so difficult

Let us know how it goes. This is a super tough part of leaving an alcoholic and the point where many of us cave.

Hawkeye13

It is very hard, but nothing changes if nothing changes.

If you've really had enough, move forward irrevocably and cut him loose.

Liveitwell

It's an interesting concept that we, just like the alcoholic, expect things to change by doing the same thing over and over, which is the definition of insanity.