3 years later
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: north royalton
Posts: 60
3 years later
Hi all I have been on this board when I needed it most and I can't thank you all enough for your support. My ex fiance and I broke up 3 years ago BC he would not stop drinking. There is alot more to the story as always with every alcoholic. He still contacts me to this day I changed my number and emails. He still manages to somehow contact me. Anyways he was the love of my life we had many good times and some bad times-all BC of alcohol. Well I have accepted that we will never be together BC he will never change no matter how many times he tries to tell me he's going to.
I am dating someone new and it was a struggle at first BC again my ex contacted me and it made my feelings go crazy BC he said he was going to stop drinking. Well I learned the hard way over and over again. Well finally it's been almost a year with no contact ( yay!!! ) and my relationship is going alot better. But....I do think of my ex. I think of him and all the good times and I compare which I know I shouldn't do but I can't help it. I wanted to spend my life with this guy and he treated me so well ( besides him not wanting to stop drinking) and it's hard to fully move on. He will always be in my heart and it sucks BC I can't stop thinking of him. I try to think of the bad times and talk myslef out of it. But lately I'm lying next to my current bf and I think of my ex. Ughhhhh. It's hard BC the ONLY reason we aren't together is BC of alcohol so obviously that chemistry and emotion will always be there inside of me. It's just difficult to move forward when it's a alcoholic situation I think?? I just need some advice some motivation. Some tips to help keep me sane...
I am dating someone new and it was a struggle at first BC again my ex contacted me and it made my feelings go crazy BC he said he was going to stop drinking. Well I learned the hard way over and over again. Well finally it's been almost a year with no contact ( yay!!! ) and my relationship is going alot better. But....I do think of my ex. I think of him and all the good times and I compare which I know I shouldn't do but I can't help it. I wanted to spend my life with this guy and he treated me so well ( besides him not wanting to stop drinking) and it's hard to fully move on. He will always be in my heart and it sucks BC I can't stop thinking of him. I try to think of the bad times and talk myslef out of it. But lately I'm lying next to my current bf and I think of my ex. Ughhhhh. It's hard BC the ONLY reason we aren't together is BC of alcohol so obviously that chemistry and emotion will always be there inside of me. It's just difficult to move forward when it's a alcoholic situation I think?? I just need some advice some motivation. Some tips to help keep me sane...
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Someone said on here that grieving the loss of a love with an alcoholic is harder than grieving a death-I feel that is true.
It sounds like your life is moving in the right direction....I may just ask why it feels like him stopping drinking would make your life better? It sounds like you still have some hope of him recovering, deep down...
And just to clarify, it's not just the alcohol (the drinking) being the reason you're not together-usually there is a whole set of behaviors associated with the addict-it would seem he was not willing to put you first or was not self aware at all-two very important things in a relationship. (I may be way off in your situation but just throwing it out there...)
Just my two cents-take it or leave it!
Hugs and peace to you
It sounds like your life is moving in the right direction....I may just ask why it feels like him stopping drinking would make your life better? It sounds like you still have some hope of him recovering, deep down...
And just to clarify, it's not just the alcohol (the drinking) being the reason you're not together-usually there is a whole set of behaviors associated with the addict-it would seem he was not willing to put you first or was not self aware at all-two very important things in a relationship. (I may be way off in your situation but just throwing it out there...)
Just my two cents-take it or leave it!
Hugs and peace to you
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
short......from my own life experience....if you are lying with one man..and, thinking of another, in the manner that you describe.....I consider that as the Universe sending you a message....
And, especially, if you have known the current man for only 2yrs. or less.....
It leads me to wonder if you are not trying to "force" a relationship with someone that you are not totally aligned with.....someone who may not be enough for you....
Obviously, your ex was not enough for you (he was m ore connected to alcohol than you).....
Perhaps, you do not have enough relationship with yourself.....first.....
Perhaps some time without a committed boyfriend in your life would allow you some time of self-reflection and self enrichment and development...
I suspect that what you are longing for is within yourself....
Now....I am not trying to upset your applecart....but, I do think that these kinds of very difficult questions are what we need to ask ourselves.....
dandylion
And, especially, if you have known the current man for only 2yrs. or less.....
It leads me to wonder if you are not trying to "force" a relationship with someone that you are not totally aligned with.....someone who may not be enough for you....
Obviously, your ex was not enough for you (he was m ore connected to alcohol than you).....
Perhaps, you do not have enough relationship with yourself.....first.....
Perhaps some time without a committed boyfriend in your life would allow you some time of self-reflection and self enrichment and development...
I suspect that what you are longing for is within yourself....
Now....I am not trying to upset your applecart....but, I do think that these kinds of very difficult questions are what we need to ask ourselves.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I wanted to spend my life with this guy and he treated me so well ( besides him not wanting to stop drinking)
How did his drinking affect the relationship you had with him?
Last edited by DesertEyes; 04-08-2016 at 02:18 PM. Reason: Fixed broken quote.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: north royalton
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by dandylion 
short......from my own life experience....if you are lying with one man..and, thinking of another, in the manner that you describe.....I consider that as the Universe sending you a message....
And, especially, if you have known the current man for only 2yrs. or less.....
It leads me to wonder if you are not trying to "force" a relationship with someone that you are not totally aligned with.....someone who may not be enough for you....
Obviously, your ex was not enough for you (he was m ore connected to alcohol than you).....
Perhaps, you do not have enough relationship with yourself.....first.....
Perhaps some time without a committed boyfriend in your life would allow you some time of self-reflection and self enrichment and development...
I suspect that what you are longing for is within yourself....
Now....I am not trying to upset your applecart....but, I do think that these kinds of very difficult questions are what we need to ask ourselves.....
dandylion
And, especially, if you have known the current man for only 2yrs. or less.....
It leads me to wonder if you are not trying to "force" a relationship with someone that you are not totally aligned with.....someone who may not be enough for you....
Obviously, your ex was not enough for you (he was m ore connected to alcohol than you).....
Perhaps, you do not have enough relationship with yourself.....first.....
Perhaps some time without a committed boyfriend in your life would allow you some time of self-reflection and self enrichment and development...
I suspect that what you are longing for is within yourself....
Now....I am not trying to upset your applecart....but, I do think that these kinds of very difficult questions are what we need to ask ourselves.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Originally Posted by shortayp18
I It's very hard when the perosn u thought u were going to end up with wants to be a alcoholic instad of with you.
There is no future with an active alcoholic. Nothing that you can say or do can make him pick you over alcohol. Alcohol is love no. 1 and only the alcoholic can decide to dump alcohol. And even when they do, they hurt many many people before they do it.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: north royalton
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by healthyagain
Another option is ending up with an alcoholic, marrying him, and then a decade later you realize that he still wants to be alcoholic instead of being married to you.
There is no future with an active alcoholic. Nothing that you can say or do can make him pick you over alcohol. Alcohol is love no. 1 and only the alcoholic can decide to dump alcohol. And even when they do, they hurt many many people before they do it.
There is no future with an active alcoholic. Nothing that you can say or do can make him pick you over alcohol. Alcohol is love no. 1 and only the alcoholic can decide to dump alcohol. And even when they do, they hurt many many people before they do it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ honey, he wants to be an alcoholic instead of being with anyone-it's not just you in particular, it isn't personal (although it feels that way!). It sounds like (and I'm being honest here) that you've been bouncing back and forth between multiple people expecting them to make you happy-and then wondering why you aren't fulfilled! You make reference to "well we got back tigether bc he wanted to..." But what about what YOU want? What's important to you in a partner? Instead of seeing this as a great loss, take this time to find out what you truly want in a partner do you can find it. ...vs going from gu to guy without ever really getting over any of them! It takes time to grieve....
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
shortayp, what would happen if you were to take a break from relationships for a little while and just spent some time with yourself? I spent so much of my life rushing from relationship to relationship that I never built a strong healthy foundation with myself. I was always just going with the flow and doing whatever anyone else wanted me to do.
When I finally did take a break, I found out that I had been using relationships to define myself and didn't really know who I was behind it all. It was tough being on my own, but eventually I came to embrace and even enjoy it. And then when the right person came along, I was healthy enough to recognize it and to enter into a relationship with not because I felt I NEEDED to, but because I really cared for him and I WANTED to.
When I finally did take a break, I found out that I had been using relationships to define myself and didn't really know who I was behind it all. It was tough being on my own, but eventually I came to embrace and even enjoy it. And then when the right person came along, I was healthy enough to recognize it and to enter into a relationship with not because I felt I NEEDED to, but because I really cared for him and I WANTED to.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 494
Hi shortayp
The love of my life had alcoholism. I didn't know this when we got together. He was lovely to me for the first couple of years. But the drinking got worse and worse, in the end 2 bottles of whisky a day.
He got that he didn't even know where he was or what he was doing half the time. Then he went missing for days, came back home, went missing again. I found out he was holed up with some woman who was a bad a drinker as him.
I threw him out. He kept coming to see me, to complain about her! haha
He said he would get help, so I took him back. He didn't and things got worse. Then in a fit of drunken temper he beat me up and I finished it for good.
H wrote me a few times a week (the 90s, before mobiles texting and emails) for a couple of years. Then his sister committed suicide, his brother had committed suicide years before, and sparked off his addictions.
He came to see me, but when he produced a bottle of whisky from his backpack I asked him to leave.
He continued to write a few times a week. Then the letters stopped for some months. Then, when he got in touch again, it was to say he had been in hospital because he had had an alcohol induced fit which had left him with slight brain damage, a broken back and a broken pelvis.
He was out of hospital and mostly healed, but still had to waer a back brace. He asked me to meet him, and I did, and his breath smealt of whisky!! Still hadn't given up after all that damage!
He continued to write, it had now been 5 years since we had broken up. I still loved him, but he just wouldn't stop drinking.
I saw him once more when he found out I was going to Australia for a while, asked me not to go, but I did, because he obviously couldn't or wouldn't stop the drink.
When I came back, after 3 months, I didn't hear from him for a year
Then my son, who was by then late teens had a dream in which my ex appeared to him and said "Me and your mother were meant for each other, we would have been happy if it wasn't for the drink"
This dream upset my son so much, he went to go and see my ex. But instead found his friend who told him my ex had died the year before from alcohol related illness, he was 39. I wouldn't have known he was dead if my son hadn't had that dream.
The point of the story? We would have been happy IF it hadn't been for the drink. There is no happiness where drink is involved. He had all that happen to him when he was alive and STILL wouldn't give up.
You won't find any happiness with a drinker and until they give up by themselves, theres nothing you can do.
I should know. I started drinking with him, before he got really bad, but I kept trying to pull myself back and didn't want us to be in a boozy relationship..that was 17 years ago, and am still struggling to this day, well up until about a month ago. And even though I have wanted so badly to give up, in the past I obviously haven't wanted it bad enough, you can't MAKE someone see what the drink is doing to their lives. They have to wake up and realise it for themselves.
Sorry for being so long winded..take care
The love of my life had alcoholism. I didn't know this when we got together. He was lovely to me for the first couple of years. But the drinking got worse and worse, in the end 2 bottles of whisky a day.
He got that he didn't even know where he was or what he was doing half the time. Then he went missing for days, came back home, went missing again. I found out he was holed up with some woman who was a bad a drinker as him.
I threw him out. He kept coming to see me, to complain about her! haha
He said he would get help, so I took him back. He didn't and things got worse. Then in a fit of drunken temper he beat me up and I finished it for good.
H wrote me a few times a week (the 90s, before mobiles texting and emails) for a couple of years. Then his sister committed suicide, his brother had committed suicide years before, and sparked off his addictions.
He came to see me, but when he produced a bottle of whisky from his backpack I asked him to leave.
He continued to write a few times a week. Then the letters stopped for some months. Then, when he got in touch again, it was to say he had been in hospital because he had had an alcohol induced fit which had left him with slight brain damage, a broken back and a broken pelvis.
He was out of hospital and mostly healed, but still had to waer a back brace. He asked me to meet him, and I did, and his breath smealt of whisky!! Still hadn't given up after all that damage!
He continued to write, it had now been 5 years since we had broken up. I still loved him, but he just wouldn't stop drinking.
I saw him once more when he found out I was going to Australia for a while, asked me not to go, but I did, because he obviously couldn't or wouldn't stop the drink.
When I came back, after 3 months, I didn't hear from him for a year
Then my son, who was by then late teens had a dream in which my ex appeared to him and said "Me and your mother were meant for each other, we would have been happy if it wasn't for the drink"
This dream upset my son so much, he went to go and see my ex. But instead found his friend who told him my ex had died the year before from alcohol related illness, he was 39. I wouldn't have known he was dead if my son hadn't had that dream.
The point of the story? We would have been happy IF it hadn't been for the drink. There is no happiness where drink is involved. He had all that happen to him when he was alive and STILL wouldn't give up.
You won't find any happiness with a drinker and until they give up by themselves, theres nothing you can do.
I should know. I started drinking with him, before he got really bad, but I kept trying to pull myself back and didn't want us to be in a boozy relationship..that was 17 years ago, and am still struggling to this day, well up until about a month ago. And even though I have wanted so badly to give up, in the past I obviously haven't wanted it bad enough, you can't MAKE someone see what the drink is doing to their lives. They have to wake up and realise it for themselves.
Sorry for being so long winded..take care
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he was always tryinh to get closer to me but he knew I wasn't interested. Last year we started dating and it was bad bad timing BC my ex fiance came back into picture for about 2 weeks and it totoallly messed me all up again. Long story short we broke up and I dated someone else didn't work out then started to miss the guy I'm dating now and we started talking again and now we r back togehre. He treats me amazing and I care for him alot I do love him.
i have to agree with others who suggest you could maybe do with a MAN-break......
I wanted to spend my life with this guy and he treated me so well ( besides him not wanting to stop drinking) and it's hard to fully move on. He will always be in my heart and it sucks BC I can't stop thinking of him.
you are most definitely NOT over the EX yet.....and current BF is really getting the short end of the stick here, leftovers. if you are in bed with ONE guy but thinking about and longing for another, you need to get out of that bed.
what if your BF's mind was still consumed with a former GF and when you two got into bed or had sex, SHE was on his mind, not you?
as it is you went from the ex, to the new guy, back to the ex, then another guy, now back to newer guy but still hung up on the ex.
and nowhere in there did you take time out for YOU.
i have to agree with others who suggest you could maybe do with a MAN-break......
I wanted to spend my life with this guy and he treated me so well ( besides him not wanting to stop drinking) and it's hard to fully move on. He will always be in my heart and it sucks BC I can't stop thinking of him.
you are most definitely NOT over the EX yet.....and current BF is really getting the short end of the stick here, leftovers. if you are in bed with ONE guy but thinking about and longing for another, you need to get out of that bed.
what if your BF's mind was still consumed with a former GF and when you two got into bed or had sex, SHE was on his mind, not you?
as it is you went from the ex, to the new guy, back to the ex, then another guy, now back to newer guy but still hung up on the ex.
and nowhere in there did you take time out for YOU.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
shortayp, what would happen if you were to take a break from relationships for a little while and just spent some time with yourself? I spent so much of my life rushing from relationship to relationship that I never built a strong healthy foundation with myself. I was always just going with the flow and doing whatever anyone else wanted me to do.
When I finally did take a break, I found out that I had been using relationships to define myself and didn't really know who I was behind it all. It was tough being on my own, but eventually I came to embrace and even enjoy it. And then when the right person came along, I was healthy enough to recognize it and to enter into a relationship with not because I felt I NEEDED to, but because I really cared for him and I WANTED to.
When I finally did take a break, I found out that I had been using relationships to define myself and didn't really know who I was behind it all. It was tough being on my own, but eventually I came to embrace and even enjoy it. And then when the right person came along, I was healthy enough to recognize it and to enter into a relationship with not because I felt I NEEDED to, but because I really cared for him and I WANTED to.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
If it still haunts you, you are not ready to let it go....and shouldn't be in a relationship. (I'm saying this with empathy bc I know I'm not anywhere bear ready to date...I'm still haunted). It's not fair to your current guy at all. Or you!
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