Peaches15

Hi, I haven't been on here for a while. This site was my saviour back then, helping me to understand addiction and his behaviour.
Background: Around 3yrs ago I found out my partner and father of my 2 little girls, was addicted to meth/speed/ice/crystal. At the time my youngest was only a baby and life was miserable. He would steal my pay, take our 1 family car for week long binges and leave us catching buses, and basically act like a nasty angry monster. He wouldn't help with the kids or housework and I was the only one working. Everything I owned was ruined or taken. It was terrible. I know many of you know exactly what I went through.
After he had completely broken me (and I'm talking no self esteem, no care for myself, just living day to day, lots of wine!, etc), I finally got some balls and decided enough was enough. The police had to be involved and it was sooooo terrible. I fell out with his parents. They live in a different town and they didn't seem to believe me as to how bad he was. After finally convincing them to come and see for themselves, his father got on a plane and my partner went back with him to the city to 'get some help'. The deal was, he could not come home until he was in recovery. When he first got there, he went to 2 rehab appointments and had the naltrexone implants. I was so happy. He sounded normal again. however between his 2 & 3rd appointments his parents moved him into a hotel room with another known user, and provided them with a car and money. I guess it was easier to not deal with it or perhaps they thought he was cured from 2 appointments.
Anyway, fast forward nearly 12months and he is still living with his parents and still hasn't got any help. He has received a few large compensation payments over the past 12 months and of course has spent every cent on his addiction. No child support, not one cent. I won't hear from him when he has money but when he is broke he will call me for money. His parent are still enabling him and he lives in the same house with his brother (who is also an addict). Those first 6months for me were a mix or relief and extreme sadness. I never ever want to go back to living with an active addict tho. More importantly, never will I put my kids around that again. NEVER. I feel terrible for being so weak for 12 months of intense craziness, when things were at their worst.
Now, he regularly calls (including about 10mins ago), very angry saying I'm keeping him from his kids and that I must have a new man. It is so frustrating. We can't even have a normal conversation. At Christmas time, I went to the city and we saw him. He was so miserable and depressed and I felt sorry for him and my heart strings were pulled. All my anxious feelings came flooding back. He's money source had cut down so he had cut back. I knew that if it increased tho, he would be gone again. I don't want to live like that again.
He was very upset when we left to come back home and promised to sort himself out so he could fight for his family back. The very next day though, another lot of money came through and he disappeared for the next week. I spiralled down again those few weeks.
Im trying very hard not to live the rollercoaster but sometimes I get sucked in.
I am a completely different person from who I was 12 months ago and so are my girls. My oldest (who is now 7) has blossomed in this past year away from the craziness and regained her confidence. I excerise again, stopped drinking and have lots of laughs with my girls. My baby (3yrs) asks for her dad every day and when he will get better. I just say I don't know.
I'm finally starting to realise that he will likely never get help. I thought we would be enough of a reason but obviously not.
He doesn't make any sense when I speak to him. No matter what I say, he will interpret it in a crazy way. He is not rational. Not once does he say sorry for the terrible things he has done. Is this a normal reaction to drugs or is this just him? Im a part time working single mother with no family support, but give me this busy life any day from a life putting up with the side effects of drugs. Its very strange but I feel like a widow. The other day one of his older nieces told me she wants us to try again. She wants us all to go to the city and get him into rehab. She's not handling it very well. I don't want anything bad to happen to him but I feel like I've tried so many times. I tried so many different things to get him to rehab but nothing worked. Am I a terrible person for not going to the city to try once again to get him to some appointments? I've booked him appointments, I've even said I'd organise taxis but he gets my hopes up for nothing.
he says No one cares about him or supports him. I say he is the one who doesn't care about us otherwise he would get help. Now he says he has lung cancer. This is so exhausting!! Arrggghhhhh. Am I doing the wrong or right thing? Any tips pls

Ariesagain

You are doing everything right to help you and your girls have a happy, productive life. Please stop beating yourself up...if anything, you deserve a standng ovation for protecting them from a life of craziness.

Love can't fix an addict...only he can.

P.S. He's lying about lung cancer. Read the other threads, it's pretty common.

ladyscribbler

Hi and welcome. Really glad you found us, though obviously sorry you needed to. First off, huge hugs to you and your babies. They are lucky to have a mama like you working so hard to take care of them.
I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago, except it was booze, not meth for my ex. The end result was the same. Us living far apart, me working my @$$ off to take care of everything without any support or help from him. Him being enabled- first by parents, then another woman once he'd sucked the parents dry. Me being blamed and shamed by him and his family for HIS addiction and HIS behavior, like I was just supposed to keep choking down $h!t sandwiches and asking another helping.
What I wish I had done, instead of just ignoring him and hoping he'd die- get legal help to sort out child support and custody/visitation immediately. I waited, hoping he'd sober up and do the right thing. So when he got involved with the new woman she helped him try to sue me for shared custody. I fought it and won and filed my own case, but it was a long exhausting struggle which I probably could have prevented. I also lost out on a lot of child support by not filing for that right away.
Some things I did right- started taking care of me. It sounds like you've got a good start, with the exercise and cutting out wine. I also started attending Alanon meetings and seeing a therapist. I know with two little ones on your own it can be tough to get out much, but I urge you to try and find a meeting- Alanon, Naranon, etc. Other members here attend Celebrate Recovery, which is offered through churches. That has family programs for children of all ages, which might be an option for you.
Take care and keep reading and posting. We are here for you.

Autumnlover19

Oh peaches, I am sad for you. I have my own problem with alcoholism and so does my ex partner. It is so hard. He does very similar things to what you described. I bought a house and I do 90% of the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, and he can't afford to even give me half of anything. I'm drowning.

I support him financially, physically, help with his two boys who aren't mine and one has special needs. And am not appreciated.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any words of wisdom but I understand. You are not alone.

Peaches15

Thanks Ariesagain. Your words of encouragement mean a lot
He does have a lung problem but Hrs self diagnosed himself with cancer - he has cysts on his lungs. Well he did 4 years ago when he was last in hospital. Which is what makes it all the more sadder. I was by his side through chemotherapy and radiation. The Drs said he could beat this thing by changing his life (I.e stop smoking and start excerising). He did the reverse and Took up hard drugs instead. I tried so hard to get him to see a couscellor but he was to deep in his self destruction. We all nearly went down with him. I made excuses for his really bad behaviour for so long because of this. When he calls up (and isn't high), he says he is short of breath and dying. He says he wants to come home and spend his last few months with his kids. He would just comeback and straight to where he left off. Nothing has changed with his addiction. thanks for your reply

Peaches15

Thanks ladyscribbler for the child support tip. I've thought about it a lot. I guess going to the child support department finalises we are over and I'm not sure I'm ready to define myself as single. I kinda just avoid that question at the moment. But some financial support would be nice!!! He earns nothing, which means nothing though. I haven't thought about custody though. I will look into that thanks.
Your situation sounds very much like mine. I'm starting to get out again like you suggest, slowly slowly. I'm not interested in anything to much, but I'm starting taking old friends with kids up on their offers for dinner/coffees again.
I completely understand the whole chit sandwich you spoke about. He has done some really really terrible things to me but for some reason they are overlooked or ignored by certain members of his family.
In contrast though, I have remained really close with some of his cousins, who are also my good friends. Often they ask me if I've spoken to him lately and tell me stories of what he's been up to (via the grapevine). My heart races and I feel sick when they mention his name. I don't want to know the craziness he gets up to as its to hard to hear. I know they are saying it to help me move on, but it just hurts. I'm starting to understand this whole no contact thing everyone talks about. Ironically, he's calling me madly (reverse charge) as I'm trying to write this post. He was calling earlier for money

Peaches15

I'm really sorry you're going through this Jemma. I know exactly how you feel. It's exhausting, and after a while i just gave up because I got sick of arguing and misery became normal or at least familiar in a dark depressing kind of way. Almost like a duty to put someone else's needs before your own. But that's not ok. I remember getting home from a busy stressful day at work to a messy house and a grumpy man accusing me of sleeping with someone at work. It was exhausting (and absurd). That happened most days.
But everyone should be appreciated. It sounds like you are doing so much to be appreciated for. Once I got my partner out the house, I felt this crazy sense of relief. I was very sad and broken and lost, but also very relieved. It was also by far the hardest thing I've ever done. But after I did, I didn't have to try and secretly stash money away from him so I could feed the kids and pay bills, or block my credit cards (he would regularly help himself), or hide the car keys so he would disappear and leave me stranded for work. I now don't come home to a disgusting messy house from him, instead it's exactly the way it was when I left it. Imeth made him extremely unpredictable and scary. Please try to look after yourself. Being on here is a big step to finding support Xx

atalose

That's alcoholic code for - I want to keep drinking and I want you to be happy with that and support me on doing it.

That’s usually alcoholic code for - I’ve tried everything else for attention and support so that I can keep doing what I’m doing but it’s not working so let me throw this out there and see what I can reel in.

He wants money period, and if wearing you down so you would finally give in to his demands helped him in the past, that's what he'll keep doing.

No new contact - no new hurts and that MUST include hearing stories about him as well from your friends - that's just not helpful to you at all.

FeelingGreat

Peaches, he is just plain destructive. It may or may not be his fault, but he had the choice of going to rehab when the money came in, and he didn't take it. Unless he has a drastic change of heart, he's set the course for his future. His parents are in strong denial and are making things worse as a result.

If you had made your separation formal and legal you would have been entitled to a share of the money he's been paid for the support of both of your children. Even though the money's probably dried up, start thinking like a wife who should be receiving child support. After all they are his children too.

At this time it should be easy to prove he isn't a fit person to have access to your children, so it would pay to put this arrangement in place right away. I hope you have been recording everything that has happened regarding him, like the lack of support of any kind, the lie about lung cancer, his avoidance of rehab. Make sure your have dates and times, keep any text messages, emails, record (in writing) the gist of any verbal exchange (9.30pm, called and asked for money etc). It will be useful to you later if you need to present evidence of his state of mind.

I don't know if it would be worthwhile, but think about asking him for child support. I know you won't get it, but at least you've asked and can say you had no response. Try to find affordable legal help so you know your rights.

Please start planning in a concrete, constructive way for formalise your separation and try to think like a single person, not someone waiting for him to get better. Ask the cousins not to tell you about him if it sucks you into the vortex again.

MAYA1

Hi P, thanks for your post. It seems like ur on the right past, I am glad for u. It must be hard with two little ones.

As per your question, at least from my experience I can confirm that this is "normal" reaction of an addict. I have never been more frustrated in my life. All they can they twist.

Anyway, I agree with other members here who say you should take legal actions (custody..). Especially because I have experienced addict to get better and from my experience and from what you can read here, addicts are often interested to cut off their old lives. You never know what to expect from him when he gets better.

I don't have children and am 2 months with no contact with my AEXBF. I am happy and received, but it does hurt to feel like piece of trash they used and moved on. Now he has great career again and looks good/happy (on outside). Not sure how clean he is as he used to be able to hide it a lot. Anyway, he completely changed his story "I want to get better to be able to be with you" to showing me his back and not even returning my money. Be careful, please.

JOIE12

Peaches ... you confused me when I ready your post and then you said you are not ready to think of yourself as 'single' .....

... but you already are

I give you a lot of credit for getting to the point where you are able to take care of your children without help from him yet, you should file asap for child support. Whether you will ever see a dime of it, it's only right for your children and for you. It doesn't cost anything, just some time.

What will he have to do, further, for you to want to be away from him forever ?
Please let your little ones see what they should not tolerate in their lives. If one of them were grown and married to someone like your partner - how would your heart feel ? My oldest tolerates it in her life and it makes me so sad, my youngest doesn't wait long to cut someone lousy out of her life. I hope I showed them enough without ruining them. And even more than your little ones - YOU deserve more from a man. More happiness. More genuine concern and love.

He didn't ask you when he started choosing his 'drug mistress' over your family did he ? I suspect that wasn't part of your deal. Please do not be afraid to stand strong against him any anyone who supports him. You have the greatest love anyone could have ... your children.

I wish you all good things and know that each step you take to rebuild a life without him and the drugs/alcohol will keep building your own confidence and resolve.

Hugs to you Peaches
Joie

Peaches15

Thank you all.
I know I have been technically a 'single' mother these past 12 months, actually probably more like 2.5years. I can pin my partners change in behave back to ~3.5 years every now and then, but it wasn't a daily/weekly thing until around 2.5 years ago. I tell you, it's 100,000 times easier raising them as a 'single' mother with no money, then it was with him around when he was at his worst. It's busy now and we don't have much but we have stability, calmness and a routine. 3 things I will never take for granted again. When people ask me where he is, I usually say he's in the city.
I'm very lucky to have a good job, offering me flexible working hours with a subsided house. The downside is I'm a long way from my family. I simply couldn't afford to leave this living arrangement whilst I'm still paying childcare fees. I've never actually ended our relationship and either has he. It's always been a 'I won't be with you until you recover'. it got me through those first 6months anyway. He is unlikely to end things with me (unless he finds another woman), as I'm quite sure I'm his security blanket. I'm gettinh sick of waiting though. He comes in and out of our lives as he pleases (via phone). He has spent the last 18hrs calling me reverse charge like crazy. He wanted money. He accuses me of having another man, and says I pushed him out of his own house by getting the police involved. He stole our car, smashed our TV, broke into the house when I locked him out cause he was in a scary drug rage, etc but I pushed him out?!! I say those things and he doesn't respond. It's all my fault. I'm the bad person.
I realise I've lost my skill of disconnecting when he talks. When he was still home, I knew there was no point reasoning with him as he was completely irrational. Delusional. I use to just bite my tongue to save the peace. What was the point right. But being away from him, I've lost that. It's like I'm forgetting the person he's become and what drugs do to people. I ended up not answering his calls today. It was too stressful and we weren't getting anywhere. He kept hanging up on me then calling back. He said he was going to kill himself. he has done this many times just to make me feel chit. I really hope he's ok but I know I've tried with every bone in my body to save him. It's up to him now
But I still say I'm not single you say? I know I'm crazy! I also think I haven't filed for child support cos Part of me says 'stick your money, I don't need you!'. Another crazy statement I realise as they are just as much his kids as mine.
I met with a friend today and decided I'm going to seek some counscelling for myself on Monday. I actually thought I was ok until I wrote this post. Now I realise I sound insane. i don't want to feel guilty or ashamed anymore for loosing my man to drugs. I want to live again. I want to make a 3 month plan, even a 12 month plan. Isn't that what people do??? I'm 33 not 103!
I definitely want to be a good role model for my girls. I spent months reading parenting tips to help children who have witnessed trauma. I pray that there been no permanent damage. And I never ever want another man again in my life. I long ago decided that Iove hurts too much, and that it causes too much vulnerability and pain. I've got my kids and that's all I need.
I'll look into child custody and support and try to find the urge to file it. Ive thought about it many times. I have some written proof. Lots of nasty text mesages, Facebook messages, some police statements, a journal (hidden somewhere) detailing a few crazy nights, as well as him loosing his licence for drug driving. Hopefully that's enough. This is very therapeutic writing this post/rant. Thanks for listening

JOIE12

awesome ... keep going forward. The heart, mind and body all heal at different speeds. I used to say that my heart couldn't let go. Well, the heart (which is ego, compassion, concern, drive, ambition, etc) will allow us to drag ourselves and everyone who loves us straight into death. It's the mind that needs to tell the heart ! I had to stop listening to what I wanted and do what I could finally see was best for my health, finances and loved ones. One life didn't intersect with the other except that they all hurt while watching me slowly lose a piece of myself.

I could not justify hurting a lot of people to save two that couldn't and wouldn't save themselves.

You never have to tell anyone anything about your life.

ps - my friends and some family always wanted me to stay with my husband - even tho he abused me verbally, physically, emotionally and sexually. They didn't want the couple they thought we were to change. We have been divorced for 14 yrs and I recently cut off a couple of friends who sympathized with him ! poor poor ___ ! This was the moment that I woke up and knew that only I was responsible for my own choices. For MY path to happiness. They weren't there when he raped me. Or choked, strangled, suffocated me. They didn't have to hide the marks on my neck or chest, arms ...

And Im grateful that they showed me finally after a lifetime - just what they thought.

Your children are the only gifts that matter. They look up to you with all that they are. Sure they will hurt you, but you can rest easy, because you know who YOU are and what YOU did for love of them.

Many of us have been where you are. And know that what seems impossible - wasn't. Exhausting ? yes ! but the feeling of gaining control over that 'heart' again was amazing.

I will pray and hope for you - that you have the strength to continue with what needs to be done.
Hugs for you my friend, Joie

FeelingGreat

Peaches, what a great idea to set yourself up a plan of action. Start with the idea of your ideal life, given the circumstances of your marriage. It might be a stable routine, emergency fund, a camping holiday, divorced with secure custody and so on.
Then start on small steps to get you where you want to go. See a lawyer, save some money, make plans. Once you have a goal, even an ambitious one, you'll be amazed at what you can do.

glitterdeva

I am so sorry you and your girls are dealing with this horror. Addiction is a chronic PROGRESSIVE disease, there is no magic cure for it. I have lived with heroin user for 6 years, so I understand He is not going to get better until he choses to get better. And as long as he is in your life using, your and your girls life will be hell. I know that walking away, leaving someone sounds crazy, but it's like either you both sink or he sinks (if he does not choose to do the right thing). In my opinion, communicating to a user in active addiction is pointless. Meth is an upper, so he will be crazy, irrational, he will do something crazy, violent, etc. You know all about it. When my EXAH started smoking crack (and he has 10+ year heroin habit), he became violent, yelling, screaming, hitting me, etc, etc, etc. You cannot make any sense of it, you can cry, you can hurt, you can lose yourself, you can beg (I was literally on my knees ones when he decided to go nuts in front of the kids right before Christmas), but please don't. Walking away is the ONLY option you have right now. He HAS to have consequences to have a chance in hitting rock bottom and maybe have a chance to recover. Maybe. If I was you, I would guard my kids from this, file for child support and leave him alone.

I last saw my EXAH over a month ago after going through similar hell for 6 years while he was pretty much in active addiction all the time. I started to feel a bit of peace, like not being anxious all the time, I actually had several super good days, where I smiled, and felt happy and content and didn't think about him once. He has reached out to me and I made a mistake talking to him. It was just one day of interaction (he is on heroin again now), and I cannot tell you how HORRIBLE I feel. I had panic attacks all day yesterday, bad dreams, freaking out about his wellbeing (although he cheated and treated me horribly), I couldn't sleep, I am back in that crazy world I lived.

Save yourself and your kids. Sending you love

Hechosedrugs

My STBX is on meth, too- though he won't admit it, even when his drug test comes up positive (the mystery of it all!) I filed for divorce in November when I was thinking clearly- finally all of his begging and pleading had no effect on me. Then he pulled out the big guns- a postnup. He would sign a postnup that if he ever did drugs again, or stole my identity and ran up debt in my name again, or brought guns to the house (he's been careless with them too many times, and we have young ones) then I would get the house. He was willing to sign up for random drug testing- I mean, this guy was gung-ho! He had to be serious this time!

No. Broke just about every agreement in that document (and only time will tell if it really holds up in court).

Bottom line- they will promise anything, put anything on the line. My goodness, they're believable, because they really believe it themselves. In fact, I'm starting to believe most of them think, "Just one last time," before every hit.

I'm finally going through with the divorce and- well, it's not my place to say what you should do. But you know, I think, deep down. I did.

Peaches15

Thank you all. It's so nice to not feel alone and not have to explain the anxiety, fear, unreliability, emptiness, etc that come with living with an active addict. I've never really spoken about that with any one until now. I certainly don't feel like that often anymore. i now sleep with both eyes shut, instead of one eye open waiting to see what mood he'd be in when he finally came home from wherever he was. Now I'm just sad and confused but I'm so much stronger. As I said earlier, I feel like a widow. I tell nice and funny stories of him to the girls sometimes as if he's still the same person he was 6 years ago! It's like I'm a widow and we're reminiscing. Crazy. I'm also clearly in denial about what he put me through. Talking about it now, memories are flooding back. I will need those bad memories to move forward. He Did some terrible things to me, and I'm not sure why I've buried these deep pretending they didn't happen. Like the Christmas story in the earlier post, he ruined our babies first bday in a similar way.
At the same time, I don't want my girls growing up thinking their father doesn't care about them (even if he doesn't). I tell them their dad loves them but is very sick and we can't be around him until he's better. I say that anger and lies are bad and we can't be around that. I'm not sure if that is right or not. The older one (7) doesn't say much as she remembers.
I know what I have to do. Thanks all. I will keep working in the right direction. I'm working towards being one of those women who doesn't take chit from no-one!!! Thank you for sharing your advice, experiences and stories with me x

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug. You're a remarkable person and your girls are lucky to have you as their mom.

Peaches15

Thank you. I don't feel like it, but thank you