Deciding whether or not to stay in a marriage heavily damaged by addiction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 5
Deciding whether or not to stay in a marriage heavily damaged by addiction
Hi Guys,
I am new to this community. Some of these posts have been very helpful. So thank you! Pretty sure I am posting in the right place. My story: I am the non-addict partner who has been married 2.5 years . About 6 months into the marriage, some warning signs of addiction began to materialize in my partner. Soon after things spun out of control entirely. Came home to a wife passed out on the floor. Had to call paramedics. That was followed by several other near death incidents (involving benzos mixing with alcohol).
She finally admitted she had a problem and that she had this problem for a long long time. The issue was not disclosed prior to the marriage. She was extremely high functioning (until she suddenly wasn't anymore). Also apparently really good at hiding her use. She reluctantly agreed to go to 30 rehab. Came home and immediately started using again even though she said she wasn't. 2 months later it was the same story. Really bad near death falling apart at the seams stuff. She went back and "surrendered" and spent nearly 5 months in a half way house.
When it came time for her to move back in I was so full of trauma and fear I just couldn't allow her back in. It was heartbreaking to us both. She felt betrayed and immediately wanted a divorce. She now has her own place and and doesn't want that divorce anymore. She wants to work on it. I love her very very much but I am really struggling at finding a way to navigate this. Huge trust issues on both our parts. My biggest fear is building something again to have it all destroyed by another relapse. Her fear is me not being able to stay in it and me deciding to end it for good down the line.
So....I am asking for help, guidance, and tips on how to overcome this. Ultimately, I want us both to be happy again. She is now 7 months sober and doing the work (although she is only going to 1 meeting a week. That doesnt seem ok to me... Thoughts? Anyway thank you in advance for any guidance!
I am new to this community. Some of these posts have been very helpful. So thank you! Pretty sure I am posting in the right place. My story: I am the non-addict partner who has been married 2.5 years . About 6 months into the marriage, some warning signs of addiction began to materialize in my partner. Soon after things spun out of control entirely. Came home to a wife passed out on the floor. Had to call paramedics. That was followed by several other near death incidents (involving benzos mixing with alcohol).
She finally admitted she had a problem and that she had this problem for a long long time. The issue was not disclosed prior to the marriage. She was extremely high functioning (until she suddenly wasn't anymore). Also apparently really good at hiding her use. She reluctantly agreed to go to 30 rehab. Came home and immediately started using again even though she said she wasn't. 2 months later it was the same story. Really bad near death falling apart at the seams stuff. She went back and "surrendered" and spent nearly 5 months in a half way house.
When it came time for her to move back in I was so full of trauma and fear I just couldn't allow her back in. It was heartbreaking to us both. She felt betrayed and immediately wanted a divorce. She now has her own place and and doesn't want that divorce anymore. She wants to work on it. I love her very very much but I am really struggling at finding a way to navigate this. Huge trust issues on both our parts. My biggest fear is building something again to have it all destroyed by another relapse. Her fear is me not being able to stay in it and me deciding to end it for good down the line.
So....I am asking for help, guidance, and tips on how to overcome this. Ultimately, I want us both to be happy again. She is now 7 months sober and doing the work (although she is only going to 1 meeting a week. That doesnt seem ok to me... Thoughts? Anyway thank you in advance for any guidance!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 66
Seven months sober is great! Are you sure she really is? My ex told me he was sober for three and turns out he was using on the side.
I do believe in giving chances to people who are really on the path. How do you feel when you are with her? Content or stressed? Can you take it really slow (to protect both of you)?
I do believe in giving chances to people who are really on the path. How do you feel when you are with her? Content or stressed? Can you take it really slow (to protect both of you)?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hello and welcome. sometimes we have to step back and look at the bigger picture......she had a drinking problem of which you were unaware (?) and it only came to light AFTER you were married and co-habitating.
so off to treatment she goes....comes home to your shared abode and immediately relapses.
so BACK to treatment she goes....but this time goes to a sober living environment and STAYS sober. then moves into her OWN place and STAYS sober.
it could be that something in the relationship, marriage, commitment, cohabition really helped to fuel her addiction, for some reason. and that she is doing better OUT and on her own. regardless she has some sober time now, but not that much.
why mess with success? the formula is working now. and she isn't killing herself with booze. that really has to take front and center here.
i think you also need to acknowledge your own fear and trauma here and not let that get lost. you had an almost visceral reaction to her returning to the shared abode. honor that. if you have not done so, i suggest counseling for YOU.....
so off to treatment she goes....comes home to your shared abode and immediately relapses.
so BACK to treatment she goes....but this time goes to a sober living environment and STAYS sober. then moves into her OWN place and STAYS sober.
it could be that something in the relationship, marriage, commitment, cohabition really helped to fuel her addiction, for some reason. and that she is doing better OUT and on her own. regardless she has some sober time now, but not that much.
why mess with success? the formula is working now. and she isn't killing herself with booze. that really has to take front and center here.
i think you also need to acknowledge your own fear and trauma here and not let that get lost. you had an almost visceral reaction to her returning to the shared abode. honor that. if you have not done so, i suggest counseling for YOU.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I would wonder if y'all had talked about certain boundaries....what happens if she relapses again (if she moves home), how much more you're willing to put up with , being honest about your feelings and not stuffing your hurt and fear, etc.
I think relationships most definitely can survive addiction if both people are doing his or her individual work and staying on that path.
I have the same question as someone else above....what makes you think she is telling the truth about being sober ? Has anything else about her changed other than not drinking? I only ask bc I hear that recovery is obvious...it's not just no drinking..,,you can tell by someone's actions, personality changes, etc.
Welcome and keep coming back!
I think relationships most definitely can survive addiction if both people are doing his or her individual work and staying on that path.
I have the same question as someone else above....what makes you think she is telling the truth about being sober ? Has anything else about her changed other than not drinking? I only ask bc I hear that recovery is obvious...it's not just no drinking..,,you can tell by someone's actions, personality changes, etc.
Welcome and keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
If it helps you, your version of how you discovered it goes along a pretty much identical path many others including myself followed.
She was able to hide it....for awhile....until we moved in together. Then it became, I have a problem and can kick it on my own. And she couldn't. And mine went almost 2 years managing it with wine. At that time I didn't realize I was dealing with an addict, I just figured she didn't know how to manage the hard stuff. Wine was a more manageable thing. Little did I know it had become 9 bottles a week, none of which I knew about. But the emotional meltdowns didn't occur with wine....for 2 years.....until they did again.
Finally when the plane is on fire, the wings falling off, and the crash is imminent, she suddenly agrees she needed help. Which in my exes case was nothing more than a "putting on appearances" by going to AA. She maybe stopped drinking for 3 months....maybe. But according to her she had stopped and it was 8 months past her going to AA.
Then she added cheating to it....AGAIN. She ended up taking up with some guy from the meetings.
I was done....and it was a matter of making sure I got out safely and with as much efficiency as possible.
I haven't read anything in your post that would suggest to me you need any help, counseling or therapy. You seem to have a pretty good handle on whats going on.
You can either decide to give it another try or not. You have well founded reasons to want to leave. But you also can give it another try.
I don't think any of us here can know what you feel in your heart.
My trust was gone before she went to AA. It had been shattered 2 years before. She begged me to rebuild.......I tried.....she relapsed...and I felt stupid for allowing someone that broke basic foundational rules of a relationship another chance.
In reality, no matter what...for me....we would never have the relationship we once had. I was trying to rationalize in my head that it was me with the problem of not being able to forgive. She of course was helping with that rationalization as hard as she could. So much so that I was seeking counseling for being such a harda** and not being able to forgive. Fell right into the addicts manipulation game. I was not the problem, never was, and I was searching for something inside me for no reason at all.
Once I came to the realization I was dealing with an addict, it became clear the path ahead.
I am happily single after 2 years now. Peace has returned to my life. I have lost 35 lbs. My hair is growing back in. My sex drive has returned. I don't lose track of things, walk around on eggshells, or wonder when my next computer problem will mysteriously be affecting me.
I have no regrets in my choices. Many have no regrets that they stay in for another chance when that last chance finally takes.
BRAVO for them. But they are a minority.
If you do go to counseling, you will be given the stark reality that there in not a high success rate, its a long road ahead and they can relapse at any point.
5 years was enough of my life to spend in it. I won't ever do it again with any part of my life again.
In reality, it was over then.........I just talked myself out of it....for the 6th time.
She was able to hide it....for awhile....until we moved in together. Then it became, I have a problem and can kick it on my own. And she couldn't. And mine went almost 2 years managing it with wine. At that time I didn't realize I was dealing with an addict, I just figured she didn't know how to manage the hard stuff. Wine was a more manageable thing. Little did I know it had become 9 bottles a week, none of which I knew about. But the emotional meltdowns didn't occur with wine....for 2 years.....until they did again.
Finally when the plane is on fire, the wings falling off, and the crash is imminent, she suddenly agrees she needed help. Which in my exes case was nothing more than a "putting on appearances" by going to AA. She maybe stopped drinking for 3 months....maybe. But according to her she had stopped and it was 8 months past her going to AA.
Then she added cheating to it....AGAIN. She ended up taking up with some guy from the meetings.
I was done....and it was a matter of making sure I got out safely and with as much efficiency as possible.
I haven't read anything in your post that would suggest to me you need any help, counseling or therapy. You seem to have a pretty good handle on whats going on.
You can either decide to give it another try or not. You have well founded reasons to want to leave. But you also can give it another try.
I don't think any of us here can know what you feel in your heart.
My trust was gone before she went to AA. It had been shattered 2 years before. She begged me to rebuild.......I tried.....she relapsed...and I felt stupid for allowing someone that broke basic foundational rules of a relationship another chance.
In reality, no matter what...for me....we would never have the relationship we once had. I was trying to rationalize in my head that it was me with the problem of not being able to forgive. She of course was helping with that rationalization as hard as she could. So much so that I was seeking counseling for being such a harda** and not being able to forgive. Fell right into the addicts manipulation game. I was not the problem, never was, and I was searching for something inside me for no reason at all.
Once I came to the realization I was dealing with an addict, it became clear the path ahead.
I am happily single after 2 years now. Peace has returned to my life. I have lost 35 lbs. My hair is growing back in. My sex drive has returned. I don't lose track of things, walk around on eggshells, or wonder when my next computer problem will mysteriously be affecting me.
I have no regrets in my choices. Many have no regrets that they stay in for another chance when that last chance finally takes.
BRAVO for them. But they are a minority.
If you do go to counseling, you will be given the stark reality that there in not a high success rate, its a long road ahead and they can relapse at any point.
5 years was enough of my life to spend in it. I won't ever do it again with any part of my life again.
In reality, it was over then.........I just talked myself out of it....for the 6th time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
FS,
Welcome and you are asking good questions. No one really can be 100 percent positive when dealing with an A if they are sober or not. It really isn't about them anymore, when "you" get into your recovery. I do recommend therapy, but not with her. I would hit a few alanon meetings also. You need to do some sole searching of "fresh start" and at that time you can introduce her to the therapist.
When getting "healthy" codies need help also, the A's have the disease, but we are going crazy. I don't think you have to make your decision today so hold off. You can tell if she is working a program. They say A's need to grow up, sober up and work a program. Is she? Do you see a difference?
The issue is, your happiness in life should not be based on if she is sober or not. If you are not happy inside it wouldn't matter if she was sober for 10 years. You need to dig deep into who you are, make peace in your life (same thing she should be doing) and at that time you will both be healthy to make go of your marriage. In AA they tell you that your sobriety comes before everything, is that what she is saying??
Hugs my friend, don't make any decisions if you don't have too. You don't want to regret a decision that you are just not ready to make. In alanon they say "when in doubt, don't"!!
Welcome and you are asking good questions. No one really can be 100 percent positive when dealing with an A if they are sober or not. It really isn't about them anymore, when "you" get into your recovery. I do recommend therapy, but not with her. I would hit a few alanon meetings also. You need to do some sole searching of "fresh start" and at that time you can introduce her to the therapist.
When getting "healthy" codies need help also, the A's have the disease, but we are going crazy. I don't think you have to make your decision today so hold off. You can tell if she is working a program. They say A's need to grow up, sober up and work a program. Is she? Do you see a difference?
The issue is, your happiness in life should not be based on if she is sober or not. If you are not happy inside it wouldn't matter if she was sober for 10 years. You need to dig deep into who you are, make peace in your life (same thing she should be doing) and at that time you will both be healthy to make go of your marriage. In AA they tell you that your sobriety comes before everything, is that what she is saying??
Hugs my friend, don't make any decisions if you don't have too. You don't want to regret a decision that you are just not ready to make. In alanon they say "when in doubt, don't"!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If I could go back in time and do anything different it would have been to research addiction and accept that addiction is life long. Rehab is not a solution, sober living is not a solution, meetings are not a solution. The addict really has to WANT to live everyday, hour by hour sober and clean and be willing to do what ever it may take to accomplish that at any given time.
Like you I focused on the number of meetings he was or was not attending. Asking if he talked to his sponsor became a daily question. Once I became committed to al-anon and my own recovery I became less focused on his.
Addiction is life long but it took me several relapses to fully accept that and once I accepted that and accepted I had a choice as to live life with addiction or not, I made the decision not to live with it.
Al-anon, therapy can really help you make the best decision on how you wish to live life moving forward.
Like you I focused on the number of meetings he was or was not attending. Asking if he talked to his sponsor became a daily question. Once I became committed to al-anon and my own recovery I became less focused on his.
Addiction is life long but it took me several relapses to fully accept that and once I accepted that and accepted I had a choice as to live life with addiction or not, I made the decision not to live with it.
Al-anon, therapy can really help you make the best decision on how you wish to live life moving forward.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by CaveGirl 
Seven months sober is great! Are you sure she really is? My ex told me he was sober for three and turns out he was using on the side.
I do believe in giving chances to people who are really on the path. How do you feel when you are with her? Content or stressed? Can you take it really slow (to protect both of you)?
I do believe in giving chances to people who are really on the path. How do you feel when you are with her? Content or stressed? Can you take it really slow (to protect both of you)?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by atalose
If I could go back in time and do anything different it would have been to research addiction and accept that addiction is life long. Rehab is not a solution, sober living is not a solution, meetings are not a solution. The addict really has to WANT to live everyday, hour by hour sober and clean and be willing to do what ever it may take to accomplish that at any given time.
Like you I focused on the number of meetings he was or was not attending. Asking if he talked to his sponsor became a daily question. Once I became committed to al-anon and my own recovery I became less focused on his.
Addiction is life long but it took me several relapses to fully accept that and once I accepted that and accepted I had a choice as to live life with addiction or not, I made the decision not to live with it.
Al-anon, therapy can really help you make the best decision on how you wish to live life moving forward.
Like you I focused on the number of meetings he was or was not attending. Asking if he talked to his sponsor became a daily question. Once I became committed to al-anon and my own recovery I became less focused on his.
Addiction is life long but it took me several relapses to fully accept that and once I accepted that and accepted I had a choice as to live life with addiction or not, I made the decision not to live with it.
Al-anon, therapy can really help you make the best decision on how you wish to live life moving forward.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
hello and welcome. sometimes we have to step back and look at the bigger picture......she had a drinking problem of which you were unaware (?) and it only came to light AFTER you were married and co-habitating.
so off to treatment she goes....comes home to your shared abode and immediately relapses.
so BACK to treatment she goes....but this time goes to a sober living environment and STAYS sober. then moves into her OWN place and STAYS sober.
it could be that something in the relationship, marriage, commitment, cohabition really helped to fuel her addiction, for some reason. and that she is doing better OUT and on her own. regardless she has some sober time now, but not that much.
why mess with success? the formula is working now. and she isn't killing herself with booze. that really has to take front and center here.
i think you also need to acknowledge your own fear and trauma here and not let that get lost. you had an almost visceral reaction to her returning to the shared abode. honor that. if you have not done so, i suggest counseling for YOU.....
so off to treatment she goes....comes home to your shared abode and immediately relapses.
so BACK to treatment she goes....but this time goes to a sober living environment and STAYS sober. then moves into her OWN place and STAYS sober.
it could be that something in the relationship, marriage, commitment, cohabition really helped to fuel her addiction, for some reason. and that she is doing better OUT and on her own. regardless she has some sober time now, but not that much.
why mess with success? the formula is working now. and she isn't killing herself with booze. that really has to take front and center here.
i think you also need to acknowledge your own fear and trauma here and not let that get lost. you had an almost visceral reaction to her returning to the shared abode. honor that. if you have not done so, i suggest counseling for YOU.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 45
One mtg a week isn't much.. The people who statistically have long sobriety are the ones that show up the most often. If I'm willing to go to any length to get my drink or high (move my schedule around) then I should apply the same willingness to my sobriety. I think she is walking on thin ice. And sometimes, but not always, a relationship can get in the way of healing process. I'm not a psychologist but I am a alcoholic addict in recovery and my suggestion is to hold off and watch.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
When you finally made the decision to leave how resolved were you in that decision? Did you regret/look back or did you know deep down that you were done .
Over the 13 years we were together we broke up and made up several times, kind of fell into that cycle so by the time I finally left for good I was truly ready.
Over the 13 years we were together we broke up and made up several times, kind of fell into that cycle so by the time I finally left for good I was truly ready.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Freshstart1......You might benefit from reading the following article: "How to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".....
Go to the stickies at the top of the main F&F page (above the threads).
Click on the one titled: "Classic Readings"......and scroll down until you find the above article.....
dandylion
Go to the stickies at the top of the main F&F page (above the threads).
Click on the one titled: "Classic Readings"......and scroll down until you find the above article.....
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
One of the things that I learned that I could not deal with is the realization that addiction really is life long. No point in cherry coating that, it is. There is a chance a person can relapse 20 years later, you just don't know. Recovery from addiction is a long process. She has to be willing to work on this every single day for the rest of her life.
If she was at that stage of addiction, 7 months is not very long. Not that she cannot or won't recover, there are people who definitely do. It's only up to her and how committed she truly is to her self and her own recovery. If she is only doing it to buy more time to get you to agree not to divorce, relapse is likely.
Counseling with a counselor who is familiar with addiction issues (if not, don't waste your time), would really help. It was a God send to me. It made me realize that no matter what would happen with my marriage, that I would be able to stand on my own two feet and get through it.
Keep reading. Read all the stickies at the top of the forum, they have wonderful info. Keep posting. You are not alone, there are many here who have walked in your same shoes.
Welcome to the forum.
If she was at that stage of addiction, 7 months is not very long. Not that she cannot or won't recover, there are people who definitely do. It's only up to her and how committed she truly is to her self and her own recovery. If she is only doing it to buy more time to get you to agree not to divorce, relapse is likely.
Counseling with a counselor who is familiar with addiction issues (if not, don't waste your time), would really help. It was a God send to me. It made me realize that no matter what would happen with my marriage, that I would be able to stand on my own two feet and get through it.
Keep reading. Read all the stickies at the top of the forum, they have wonderful info. Keep posting. You are not alone, there are many here who have walked in your same shoes.
Welcome to the forum.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Well, you can't judge recovery by the number of meetings attended or the number of months sober, IMO. It's alllllllll about the behaviors to me.
Is she no longer lying, blameshifting, manipulating? Is she holding down a job, seeking new/more ways to improve herself, etc. At 7 months, I would "expect" (that's a soft 'expectation' there folks, lol) / hope to see her recovery starting to "show" a bit more in her actions & thought processes.
Rebuilding trust is impossibly hard, I won't lie. I think it's harder than trusting someone new because you now hold them to the standard of having been untrustworthy, vs. "clean slate" feeling of a new relationship. The difference is emotional, I'm not as hurt when my trust is broken by someone that I'm not yet invested in emotionally.
My husband spent 2 years lying through his sober teeth about recovering. (and lying to himself, obviously) His denial refused to let him see how he was still applying addict thinking to trying to live sober. His relapse was somewhat inevitable from that perspective - not that I saw any of it coming (too focused on me
) but it took him 2 years to reach that New Bottom.
What mattered in the long run was MY recovery. I couldn't start trusting him until I could rebuild my own self-trust. Same with love and respect. I know there are all kinds of fancy quotes that capture what I'm trying to say (& I'm a fan of them) but it boils down to this for me: everything good externally started because of something good internally happening within me. It all starts with me - either things will fall into line around me or I'll be able to extricate myself from it without getting dragged down with it.
Welcome to SR!
Is she no longer lying, blameshifting, manipulating? Is she holding down a job, seeking new/more ways to improve herself, etc. At 7 months, I would "expect" (that's a soft 'expectation' there folks, lol) / hope to see her recovery starting to "show" a bit more in her actions & thought processes.
Rebuilding trust is impossibly hard, I won't lie. I think it's harder than trusting someone new because you now hold them to the standard of having been untrustworthy, vs. "clean slate" feeling of a new relationship. The difference is emotional, I'm not as hurt when my trust is broken by someone that I'm not yet invested in emotionally.
My husband spent 2 years lying through his sober teeth about recovering. (and lying to himself, obviously) His denial refused to let him see how he was still applying addict thinking to trying to live sober. His relapse was somewhat inevitable from that perspective - not that I saw any of it coming (too focused on me
) but it took him 2 years to reach that New Bottom.What mattered in the long run was MY recovery. I couldn't start trusting him until I could rebuild my own self-trust. Same with love and respect. I know there are all kinds of fancy quotes that capture what I'm trying to say (& I'm a fan of them) but it boils down to this for me: everything good externally started because of something good internally happening within me. It all starts with me - either things will fall into line around me or I'll be able to extricate myself from it without getting dragged down with it.
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 14
Fresh, I understand the nightmare you are living through. I lived through a similar one. My XABF managed to hide his addiction from me for a year. By that time we were engaged, had built a house, and moved in together. We were 3 months from our wedding date when he had a full-blown alcoholic breakdown. Long story short, I moved out and said I would return to our home after he had been continually sober for 1 year. He immediately went into recovery when he saw I was serious, but seemed to then view me as untrustworthy because I left him. It never occurred to him that hiding his disease from me made him untrustworthy.
After he was in recovery for 1.5 years I took him back. He truly seemed to have beat it. I had always had confidence that if anyone could, he could. He is a VERY successful business man. Award-winning, in fact. But within 6 months he was in a scary relapse again. At that point, I saw the rest of my life would be lived watching over my should to see if the dark cloud of his addiction was gaining on us.
I now think it is too late for him. This is who he is. And I deserve better. Leaving him a second time was easier, but still heart-wrenching.
I know there are people on this forum who have maintained a long-term recovery. I think they are a rare and impressive breed.
After he was in recovery for 1.5 years I took him back. He truly seemed to have beat it. I had always had confidence that if anyone could, he could. He is a VERY successful business man. Award-winning, in fact. But within 6 months he was in a scary relapse again. At that point, I saw the rest of my life would be lived watching over my should to see if the dark cloud of his addiction was gaining on us.
I now think it is too late for him. This is who he is. And I deserve better. Leaving him a second time was easier, but still heart-wrenching.
I know there are people on this forum who have maintained a long-term recovery. I think they are a rare and impressive breed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Before you finally make a decision, something snaps first. I swear I could hear that little snap. I remember the exact moment when I said to myself, "OK, that's it, I am filing for divorce."
There are no regrets I did it, but there are many many times I ask myself what else I could have given to him as a partner, and only now I can see how actually disrespected I was, in my own home, by a guy who is not capable of paying a simple bill. And then there is a question, why would I even want to be around a person like that?
Maybe it is better for you that you live in different households. This is how you can see the things better, this is how you can have more space and time for yourself. It only takes answering one simple question: "Am I willing to spend the rest of my life with this person and his/her alcoholism?"
In an ideal world, you would ask this yourself before you actually get married. But alcoholics do not come with a flashing warning sign on their foreheads, and I personally knew nothing about the family dynamics and the codependent role that I was going to play in his life.
There are no regrets I did it, but there are many many times I ask myself what else I could have given to him as a partner, and only now I can see how actually disrespected I was, in my own home, by a guy who is not capable of paying a simple bill. And then there is a question, why would I even want to be around a person like that?
Maybe it is better for you that you live in different households. This is how you can see the things better, this is how you can have more space and time for yourself. It only takes answering one simple question: "Am I willing to spend the rest of my life with this person and his/her alcoholism?"
In an ideal world, you would ask this yourself before you actually get married. But alcoholics do not come with a flashing warning sign on their foreheads, and I personally knew nothing about the family dynamics and the codependent role that I was going to play in his life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I was married for 18 years...filed for divorce 10 years later than I wish I did. Knew in my heart I couldn't deal with addiction, lying, lack of trust, lack of intimacy, and the whole package again. Was open and honest about it.
Met a good guy, ended up blending our kids and moving in together...he knew my past and said he "didn't drink"...
Until suddenly he WAS drinking...face down hiding drinking lying irresponsible emotionally distant blame-shifting...and I was wracking my brain trying to understand how I let this happen.
I tried. I got over my anger and the-opened my heart. He quit, but the behaviors persisted. Six months later I told him I needed space. He moved out and apparently that was the kick he needed. Immersed in AA, counseling, talks the talk, appears to walk the walk. But my heart was done. It feels unfair, right? He's doing the right things, and I'm not willing to give it a shot.
But as I told him last weekend--I'm not willing to live in two ways:
1) constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop
Or
2) Getting blindsided
Yes, there's a possibility of a third--he doesn't blindside me and my trust returns. But in my heart I'm unwilling to build an intimate life with someone who can't promise me he'll be sober in 20 years, or that he can remain emotionally intimate with me. He has to wake up EVERY SINGLE DAY and choose sobriety and intimacy and honesty. Those odds are pretty small, and with what I've lived through already, I'm not willing to take that bet with him.
I know that I'm unable to immerse in a romantic relationship if I need to be ready to leave if he drinks--so I'd be holding back a piece of myself that I want to share with my partner. I've never experienced being able to lean on and trust my partner fully--and I deserve that. I want that someday. So I need to seek it elsewhere.
And that's okay.
As I told him--part of me forgiving myself for getting IN this situation unknowingly (and ignoring red flags), is giving myself permission to leave it, no matter how painful it is or how guilty I feel.
This is my situation--there are others who can make it work. I just know that my heart doesn't want to, and I'm very happy now that I'm free. I can't describe how TRAPPED I felt being in that situation again...
Met a good guy, ended up blending our kids and moving in together...he knew my past and said he "didn't drink"...
Until suddenly he WAS drinking...face down hiding drinking lying irresponsible emotionally distant blame-shifting...and I was wracking my brain trying to understand how I let this happen.
I tried. I got over my anger and the-opened my heart. He quit, but the behaviors persisted. Six months later I told him I needed space. He moved out and apparently that was the kick he needed. Immersed in AA, counseling, talks the talk, appears to walk the walk. But my heart was done. It feels unfair, right? He's doing the right things, and I'm not willing to give it a shot.
But as I told him last weekend--I'm not willing to live in two ways:
1) constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop
Or
2) Getting blindsided
Yes, there's a possibility of a third--he doesn't blindside me and my trust returns. But in my heart I'm unwilling to build an intimate life with someone who can't promise me he'll be sober in 20 years, or that he can remain emotionally intimate with me. He has to wake up EVERY SINGLE DAY and choose sobriety and intimacy and honesty. Those odds are pretty small, and with what I've lived through already, I'm not willing to take that bet with him.
I know that I'm unable to immerse in a romantic relationship if I need to be ready to leave if he drinks--so I'd be holding back a piece of myself that I want to share with my partner. I've never experienced being able to lean on and trust my partner fully--and I deserve that. I want that someday. So I need to seek it elsewhere.
And that's okay.
As I told him--part of me forgiving myself for getting IN this situation unknowingly (and ignoring red flags), is giving myself permission to leave it, no matter how painful it is or how guilty I feel.
This is my situation--there are others who can make it work. I just know that my heart doesn't want to, and I'm very happy now that I'm free. I can't describe how TRAPPED I felt being in that situation again...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by freshstart1
Hi Guys,
I am new to this community. Some of these posts have been very helpful. So thank you! Pretty sure I am posting in the right place. My story: I am the non-addict partner who has been married 2.5 years . About 6 months into the marriage, some warning signs of addiction began to materialize in my partner. Soon after things spun out of control entirely. Came home to a wife passed out on the floor. Had to call paramedics. That was followed by several other near death incidents (involving benzos mixing with alcohol).
She finally admitted she had a problem and that she had this problem for a long long time. The issue was not disclosed prior to the marriage. She was extremely high functioning (until she suddenly wasn't anymore). Also apparently really good at hiding her use. She reluctantly agreed to go to 30 rehab. Came home and immediately started using again even though she said she wasn't. 2 months later it was the same story. Really bad near death falling apart at the seams stuff. She went back and "surrendered" and spent nearly 5 months in a half way house.
When it came time for her to move back in I was so full of trauma and fear I just couldn't allow her back in. It was heartbreaking to us both. She felt betrayed and immediately wanted a divorce. She now has her own place and and doesn't want that divorce anymore. She wants to work on it. I love her very very much but I am really struggling at finding a way to navigate this. Huge trust issues on both our parts. My biggest fear is building something again to have it all destroyed by another relapse. Her fear is me not being able to stay in it and me deciding to end it for good down the line.
So....I am asking for help, guidance, and tips on how to overcome this. Ultimately, I want us both to be happy again. She is now 7 months sober and doing the work (although she is only going to 1 meeting a week. That doesnt seem ok to me... Thoughts? Anyway thank you in advance for any guidance!
I am new to this community. Some of these posts have been very helpful. So thank you! Pretty sure I am posting in the right place. My story: I am the non-addict partner who has been married 2.5 years . About 6 months into the marriage, some warning signs of addiction began to materialize in my partner. Soon after things spun out of control entirely. Came home to a wife passed out on the floor. Had to call paramedics. That was followed by several other near death incidents (involving benzos mixing with alcohol).
She finally admitted she had a problem and that she had this problem for a long long time. The issue was not disclosed prior to the marriage. She was extremely high functioning (until she suddenly wasn't anymore). Also apparently really good at hiding her use. She reluctantly agreed to go to 30 rehab. Came home and immediately started using again even though she said she wasn't. 2 months later it was the same story. Really bad near death falling apart at the seams stuff. She went back and "surrendered" and spent nearly 5 months in a half way house.
When it came time for her to move back in I was so full of trauma and fear I just couldn't allow her back in. It was heartbreaking to us both. She felt betrayed and immediately wanted a divorce. She now has her own place and and doesn't want that divorce anymore. She wants to work on it. I love her very very much but I am really struggling at finding a way to navigate this. Huge trust issues on both our parts. My biggest fear is building something again to have it all destroyed by another relapse. Her fear is me not being able to stay in it and me deciding to end it for good down the line.
So....I am asking for help, guidance, and tips on how to overcome this. Ultimately, I want us both to be happy again. She is now 7 months sober and doing the work (although she is only going to 1 meeting a week. That doesnt seem ok to me... Thoughts? Anyway thank you in advance for any guidance!
Last edited by Lockie; 04-08-2016 at 04:58 PM. Reason: Typos
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