Opinions Please.....

Old 04-07-2016, 06:57 AM
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Opinions Please.....

So, as most of you know, it's in my divorce decree that my X cannot drink around my children. This has happened many times, and I have had to go pick up my youngest from his house on several occasions. My eldest no longer goes.

This is so unfair, as life mostly is. I am forced on his weekends to stay around and be on call to be able to be there in the blink of an eye. I have developed bad habits into just sitting at home and waiting around....just in case. I have isolated myself from friends.

So...that being said, I was talking to someone this week who told me I have been having such a hard time and that I have friends who love me and that I should reach out to them. So I did (thank God for girlfriends who understand). We are going out tomorrow night. I was also invited to an event Saturday during the day that I would really like to attend, but it would be 2.5 hours away.

So..that being said, I am asking for an opinion on if I should go or not. My X has been pretty decent to my child of late when she is there. Doing things w/her and redid her room, etc. He has been off all this week and starts a new job on Monday. I am sure he has drank all week. It is my thought that he will hopefully stay dry for the weekend b/c my child will be there and he starts this job that he is extremely excited about on Monday.

So.....should I stay or should I go???? It makes me sick to have to put so much though into all of this, but this is my life for now, until my child is older. My child is 10.5 years old for those who would want to know that.
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Old 04-07-2016, 07:07 AM
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I think you should go....but not let him know you are going (that may give him the "oh, I can do what I wabt bc she won't be able to come over shtick"). And I think you badly need to get some help from your attorney regarding his drinking around your kids....it's just not ok, friend. It's so sad that you are dealing with this. I understand. Hugs...many hugs!
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Old 04-07-2016, 07:13 AM
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is there a reliable someone who would be close by? i totally GET you needing to "get a life" and how important that is.....but i also know how "far" 2.5 hours away can seem.
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Old 04-07-2016, 07:20 AM
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That was my thought as well ^^^^ find someone who will be close by in the event she needs to come home.
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Old 04-07-2016, 07:38 AM
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I know its unfair to you but if your husband isn't stable then I wouldn't travel that far away. I can imagine it builds resentment in you because you can't live your life but you would feel worse if you were not there for your child. Much worse.
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Old 04-07-2016, 07:40 AM
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Yes, there are definitely people around. When I show up he has never tried to block her from leaving, I am not so sure that would happen if someone else were to show up though.

I am not willing to take this to court at this time, she's too young and it's too unpredictable. I would rather never go anywhere ever other weekend than do that. He sees her 4 days per month as it is, neither me nor my attorney see that changing. My attorney says the first thing they would do is court order him to counseling and treatment, and that treatment would be of any sort he would like. He was in the CR program for years, look how much that helped. Not. It's just not worth the risk b/c she is so young at this point. I should have pushed for Soberlink when we were in divorce negotiations, but I did not know that even existed at that point.

Even if he does drink around her, he won't drive her or put her in harms way. That I can say he has changed. However, it's not allowed, and it sends her anxiety through the roof.
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Old 04-07-2016, 07:49 AM
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Here's my concern...this is big-time blowout binge potential for your ex. He's about to start a new job, so he's probably anxious, he's been on vacation/drinking for a week, and he's no doubt telling himself that this Saturday is his last chance to really do it big AND he's been "good" about not drinking around your daughter, so he deserves this reward.

By all means go out tomorrow night and have a wonderful time...and it isn't right and it isn't fair, but maybe this particular Saturday isn't a good time to be that far away?
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Old 04-07-2016, 07:52 AM
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Aries....I have that same thought process as well.
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Old 04-07-2016, 08:07 AM
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hopeful.....this is a hard decision....and, you are the o ne who knows all the nuances of the total situation.....

this would be my inclination---If you really want to go...I would ask a friend to be on "standby" to go over and stay with her until you arrive....if you DID have to go back to pick her up.....
Just a suggestion......as I am not in your shoes....

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Old 04-07-2016, 08:09 AM
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I'm torn hopeful. On one hand, you should absolutely be able to go to something as simple as this without having this stress hanging over it.

On the other, it's your daughter we're talking about. When is the last time she needed to be picked up during his custody days?

Both he AND the GF have been flipping out unpredictably lately so for me, I think it would come down to whether I thought he/they were more likely to go off half-cocked THIS weekend. Is he more likely to binge a lot between now & then or to try to "be good" until he gets settled in with the new job? Does having all this time off before starting work for him or against him? (I could easily see him binging right up until Sunday?)

Does she ever play a part in his binges, unknowingly? (I don't want this to sound insulting to everyone here - but I know that *I* was guilty of this before I realized how I was creating drama because *I* didn't know how to act in absence of it after so long of that being part of My Normal.)

No matter what you do, you're having to try to predict the future. I think I would aim for what would leave me feeling the least resentful in the long run, if even THAT can be predicted!
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Old 04-07-2016, 08:50 AM
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I would do what gave me peace in my heart. If going means you'd obsess and not enjoy yourself, then stay home.

If you think it's okay and your guilt about always having to be there is holding you back...then maybe go, because it would be great Codie therapy. What's the worst you expect will happen if you send a friend and you're arriving a little later?

I agree with not telling him either way.

I felt I always had to be on call even just to reply to my son's texts and calls when with his dad--I remember my mom came to my house to watch my kids when I had a business meeting overnight three hours away. She was so safe for them (second to me), but he was stressed about an upcoming visit with his dad...I was so exhausted I plugged my phone in across the hotel room at midnight and slept so soundly for the first time in ages...awakening to a slew of 50 texts between midnight and 4am from DS saying he needed to talk to me, was scared, where was I, mom?, mom?, mom?...

Talk about horrible feeling the next day...we're past that point now. But for a while I avoided overnight meetings or took him with me. He needed that security. (Now he told me I could take a job three hours away if I wanted to and come home only on weekends lol)

If DD needs the security of you being close, that's different than YOU feeling like you need to be close. If she'll be okay (it does sound like she might be if you have friends nearby and could come home if need be)...maybe push yourself to go and not feel guilty. It's such a fine line between our kids REALLY needing us and us feeling that they do.

There's no wrong answer. Even if you go and she ends up needing you, that's fine.
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Old 04-07-2016, 09:47 AM
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Even if he does drink around her, he won't drive her or put her in harms way.

until he does........

maybe THIS weekend, your one outing is "enough" - remember this is new for YOU too and you won't know how you feel about things.
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Old 04-07-2016, 09:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Praying View Post
It's such a fine line between our kids REALLY needing us and us feeling that they do.

There's no wrong answer. Even if you go and she ends up needing you, that's fine.
Truly excellent point! I struggled with how to say this in a PC way - thank you for the perfect wording!
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Old 04-07-2016, 10:00 AM
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I am leaning towards not going. It's just too much for me I think. I just remember last time her crying and saying hurry mom, please hurry. And I was only 10 mins away at that time. And it's not like I can send one of my friends to their house to stay w/her until I come. They are not just going to welcome them to their house, that's for sure.

I did discuss that maybe we could do something closer to here. We will see.

Thanks friends for your support
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Old 04-07-2016, 08:17 PM
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You could always write up an explanation for anyone who needs to pick up the kids because of his "condition"--it would never be used unless he made a scene or refused to let them go. Maybe write up two versions--one for him that says "So-and-So agreed to pick up the kids if they wanted to leave, please allow them to go with her." And one for the cops (in case it ever came to that) with a FULL explanation of what is going on, as well as a number where they can reach you to confirm.

I'd kinda like to see you go with your friends. There's ALWAYS a possibility he will behave like a drunk when he has the kids. Short of supervised visitation or cutting it off, it's always a possibility. You could tell the kids in advance what the backup plan is, so they understand the drill. I don't think you should never get to make your own plans for the weekend. It isn't like this will be happening every time he takes them. It's a calculated risk, but even though the fiancee is a nut job, she's usually sober and around, isn't she?
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Old 04-08-2016, 05:33 AM
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I agree on going. I would have a friend or relative that your child likes who she could hang with till you get home. Your daughter doesn't want you not to go and have fun because of her drunk Dad. But your daughter knows that you have a back up plan this time just in case.

She will understand that someone is always there for her and she will be ok.
Go have fun, you are a good mom and would never put her in arms way!!
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Old 04-08-2016, 06:13 AM
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Still up in the air. I don't tell him ever what I am doing. My daughter is provided a cell phone by me that she always has at her dads. She also has an I pad that she takes should the phone not work or he ever decide to take it away.

Yes, the wife, nutty as she is, does not ever drink around the kids. Nor would she, I do believe that. I don't think my DD is in any imminent danger, it's just even if he drinks a little she knows, and it sends her anxiety through the roof.

Honestly, I am so tired today that going seems like a chore. I did not sleep at all last night after a disagreement with my older child, so I am tired to the bone today. Going out to dinner with friends tonight, so maybe that will just be enough.
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Old 04-08-2016, 08:15 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
It makes me sick to have to put so much though into all of this, but this is my life for now, until my child is older. My child is 10.5 years old for those who would want to know that.
As a mom, I totally agree with you here. Its wrong, it's unfair, but these are the circumstances we wrestle with when we're dealing with a parent who refuses to get sober. I think yeah, you could go, have a plan in place and then try to enjoy yourself. Could you or would you be too worried the whole time? I say don't push YOURSELF to do this if you aren't ready- listen and honor that voice that tells you to wait. Your daughter won't be 10 years old forever and this just might be something you're not willing to take a chance with for now- and that's ok. In six months or a year the circumstances maybe different and you may feel differently...

You mentioned that you have isolated yourself from friends so there's definitely ample opportunity to connect and do things locally while rebuilding and strengthening friendships. It sounds like you've made such incredible strides in your life but still: step by step, day at a time, kwim? I hope you enjoy your weekend without having to endure extra worries
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Old 04-08-2016, 11:41 AM
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OK, it seems to me that your child is likely to be anxious for a short time while she's waiting to be picked up (which is what happens when you're there). If your backup person is someone she knows and trusts, it seems to me that she's as safe as if you were there.

Maybe talk to your daughter and ask how she would feel about the backup plan? Not that you should put it in terms of her making the decision, but ask her how that would feel for her--would she feel OK if you were away and auntie so-and-so had to pick her up if she called? I mean, if she DID call and need to be picked up, you could be back in a matter of hours, it sounds like. So you could be there shortly to provide any additional comforting she needed.

Obviously you know your daughter better than I do. So maybe her anxiety would be too great. Still, it's good to learn that anxiety can be managed. If you've made provisions for her to leave if things get icky with dad, she should learn to manage a brief period of discomfort as long as she's safe.
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Old 04-08-2016, 12:04 PM
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Lexie, unfortunately I don't think he would turn her over to anyone else without a massive fight, that's my issue. And that they now want to go even further away, so I would be a good 3.5 hours away. My other child who drives and would respond will be 2.5 hours away with other plans.

I have decided to pass. My children's anxiety issues about him are much much better, huge progress has been made in counseling. However, since my oldest does not go with my youngest anymore to her dad's, it has made her a lot more insecure to be the only one at his house. So it's going to have to be a work in progress.

I explained why I am not going, and they completely get it. I think my own insecurity about being away would have prevented me from feeling at ease anyways. I am going out locally with friends tonight for the first time in a long time, so I will still have a fun time.

For some extra money I am going to start cleaning our offices at work. It will only take a couple of hours, but definitely I will do that so I don't have to do it on Sunday, my church and R&R day.

I want to thank you all for your input. It's such a blessing to have a sounding board to get the opinions of people who truly understand what this is all about. Even when people know your story, unless they have walked the walk, they can never truly get it.
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