Notices

Pre-Lapse

Old 04-06-2016, 01:18 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Bunny211's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
Pre-Lapse

10 months sober today.

I feel like I am spiraling out of control. I am circling the drain. My life is at risk and I am very scared.

I need to hear some of your horror stories about how you failed at moderation. My head is driving me crazy trying to tell me that alcoholism is not a disease (no medical proof that is anything other than a set of mal-adaptive behaviors) and that moderation is possible.

Shutupheadshutupheadshutupheadshutuphead.

Please....relapse horror stories. Lay them on me!!!
Bunny211 is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:24 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Well.....

My head was doing that also... at around 5 months.

Then I decided I had just needed a break. I just needed to be AWARE of my emotions and reasons for drinking. Not drink for the wrong reasons. Just take it easy......

And I did. A few times.

A year and a half of blackouts and close calls and 'lucky-I'm-alive's' later I finally emerged from that dark and despairing relapse and got it together to embrace sobriety for real.

I'm happier and more stable and solid and joyful and grateful and fortunate now than ever. Over two years in, life just keeps on getting deeper, richer, better. I'm so glad I made it back from that stupid decision alive. I wish I'd not taken a year and a half more misery to get there.

Double down on your changes and actions to deepen your sobriety. 10 months is a wonderful foundation. Please, don't blow it.

FreeOwl is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:27 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,331
Bunny, I'm really sorry to hear this. What changes have you made in your life besides stopping drinking? What do you do for fun, for relaxation, for socializing? Is there something that you can add to your life to make things more manageable?
Anna is online now  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:33 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
What difference does it make if it's a "disease" or just insanely dangerous?

You know what alcohol in your body has done to you. All the intellectual hair-splitting in the world doesn't change the scientific fact that alcohol is a highly addictive toxic chemical that takes over your brain and thus every aspect of your life. Once those neural pathways are engrained, they can reactivated at any time at the previous level of addiction.

Maybe one drink wouldn't reactivate them the first time. Maybe not even the second...but sooner or later you're going to be back on the hamster wheel from hell. It's like clog dancing on the freeway...you might not get hit the first five minutes, but you know you'll ultimately end up as a hood ornament in ugly shoes.

Please, please don't.
Ariesagain is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:33 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
360startstoday's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 617
Sobriety and Listerine


Posted By Bunny211



I avoid it. But, I used to drink Listerine when I had no access to liquor.....
360startstoday is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:34 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
360startstoday's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 617
This shows there is no moderation.... I really look up to you for what you have done so far and how strong you've been. Read through your posts, this is the first time I have ever looked back at someone's post and I saw this one right away.

I hope you don't try it.

A normal drinker wouldn't drink Listerine. Right?
360startstoday is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:37 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Bunny211's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
No, I am not going to try it. I am petrified of drinking. But I don't know what I am doing WRONG that I am suddenly obsessing over booze. It is all I have thought about all day long now...for days on end. I went to a meeting last night, and I am going to a meeting tonight and I am NOT going to drink. However, the thoughts are so loud in my head and I just don't get it. I had LESS of an obsession to drink at 2 months than I do now at 10 months.

I prayed to God today to please, please stop these insane thoughts. Please. My head wants to kill me!
Bunny211 is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:40 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
firstymer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Bunny211, I see that you have been with us since December of 2015. I have been here since 2013. I have read hundreds of stories of good people like you who have put in weeks or months of sobriety, only to test the waters of moderate drinking.

I can't think of a SINGLE INSTANCE where someone has reported back, satisfied with their decision. Instead, those that test the waters of moderation inevitably (and I use that term intentionally), inevitably, find themselves drowning, right back where they were with their alcohol consumption. In many instances their alcohol use becomes worse than ever before.

You dodged a bullet once, Bunny211. You are here. You are sober. And you are on the right path.

Please don't play Russian Roulette with this.

Be strong. We are pulling for you.
firstymer is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:41 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
JD
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Bunny, you know like the rest of us that moderation isn't going to work. We've all tried that and have all failed. It doesn't work for us. And the disease model, I don't necessarily buy into to it either but what difference does it make how you want to look at it? We have a problem with alcohol and not using it is the only answer.
JD is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:44 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
ALinNS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
November of last year I had over two years of sobriety, everything in my life had turned around, was doing excellent, had met a lady of my dreams in June. So I am working on this massive fruit farm, our Jamaican Migrant workers are getting ready to head home for a few months, I love my job, what I do and the staff (around 150 staff) and have a management position. Receive a text from the staff inviting me to a Jerk Chicken going home party at one of the bunk houses, I went, was offered a beer and declined, one of the workers asked if the Jamaican beer was not good enough for me, made me feel guilty (BS but that was the thought at the time) so I thought gosh it's been a couple of years, one should be ok, that turned into a three+ week binge that created a lot of problems, cost me my job and my relationship although we worked it out on Dec 31st and have been back together ever since.

We can't moderate if we are an alcoholic it's really that simple, we have a phrase we use 1 is too many and 1,000 is not enough, Please do not let the addictive voice suck you into having a drink.

Wishing you the best
Andrew
ALinNS is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:45 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Berrybean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi Bunny. Well done for getting to some meetings. Do you have a sponsor and other AAers you can telephone or text? I know that this has been very helpful for me. How are you getting on with the steps?
Berrybean is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:47 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
ccam1973's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
After 9 months sober back in 2013 I thought I could just have a few drinks. it was while I was on a fishing trip with my son and some family friends. Started off ok the first day, but by the second, I was back to slamming a box of wine a day.

This time, it was different though. After a few weeks, I seemed to give up on trying to get sober. That's when I started drinking earlier and earlier in the day. Somehow I was convincing my self that starting to drink around 9 in the morning and also at work was completely justifiable.

I was completely overweight, had been diagnosed with Fatty Liver, had recently lost my very well paying job, and was now convincing myself to drink 24/7. Back then I was just lurking on SR; that's how I got sober for the 9 months initially. I spent the better part of a year this way.

For some reason, in July 2014 I woke up and knew I was an alcoholic. Not sure how I convinced myself to push the warning signs under the rug for so long; Fatty Liver, bloody stool, high cholesterol, dangerously high blood pressure, drunk driving, non-existent memory... I knew I was killing myself, I knew I was not living up to the father I needed to be for my wonderful kids, I knew I couldn't control this demon, no matter how hard I tried.

Bottom line is this disease is progressive. I found that out and knew I was at the end of my rope. Any more progress and alcohol would have beaten me down into nothingness. At that point, there was no grey area, only black and white... Get sober and live or keep drinking and die.

I chose to get sober. Now as I am approaching 22 months I know my life is exactly where I need it to be. It's never going to be perfect and I will never conquer this disease but for today, I am in control. My family is no longer suffering from my selfish decision to drink.

Bunny, you are doing fantastic. Don't loose control now. Play it forward in your mind of exactly where drinking will take you. For those of us with this problem, drinking is pure evil, dark and all controlling. Don't loose control, not now, not ever again.

Congrats on 10 months. Take a deep breath and remember why you will stay sober today.
ccam1973 is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:47 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Delizadee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Stop everything you're doing right now.
Get off here for a bit and call your sponsor.
You know what you do right now?
Treat this like you've already relapsed.
And throw yourself wholeheartedly back into sobriety.
Recommit.
Attend multiple meetings if you can.
Reach out often wherever you can.
Don't isolate and keep yourself busy.
Now your head is roaring at you. Don't let it get quiet. Fight it until it subsides. Relapses happen long before we pick up the drink.

Remember it's a choice.

Get off the ladder. If you climb any higher it gets harder to reach out.

You're being tested. Tell your AV very funny it. But it can f off now.

Your head is roaring at you because you came here and told on your AV now you can really **** it off by throwing as much ammo at it as possible.
Delizadee is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:49 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
360startstoday's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 617
Originally Posted by Delizadee View Post
Stop everything you're doing right now.
Get off here for a bit and call your sponsor.
You know what you do right now?
Treat this like you've already relapsed.
And throw yourself wholeheartedly back into sobriety.
Recommit.
Attend multiple meetings if you can.
Reach out often wherever you can.
Don't isolate and keep yourself busy.
Now your head is roaring at you. Don't let it get quiet. Fight it until it subsides. Relapses happen long before we pick up the drink.

Remember it's a choice.

Get off the ladder. If you climb any higher it gets harder to reach out.

You're being tested. Tell your AV very funny it. But it can f off now.

Post the ladder thing you posted in the other thread, that was really good!
360startstoday is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:50 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Do your best
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Congratulations on ten months
Soberwolf is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:51 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Bunny211's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
Originally Posted by Beccybean View Post
Hi Bunny. Well done for getting to some meetings. Do you have a sponsor and other AAers you can telephone or text? I know that this has been very helpful for me. How are you getting on with the steps?
Thanks everyone.
I am sharing my 5th step with my sponsor this weekend.
I am active in Big Book Step Study meetings - I attend 4-5 per week.
I do call and speak with other AA'ers pretty much daily.
I contacted a friend of mine from rehab who has been in and out since we left rehab. She wants me to call her tonight so she can share her relapse story with me....she tried to moderate and failed miserably.

I told my sponsor last night that I feel like I am getting sicker and NOT getting better. She said that was normal...that my big book work is meant to shake me up and rearrange my life in such a way that I do not know if I am coming or going for a good long while now. She said it takes 5 years to get your marbles back and 5 more years to learn how to play with them.

I do wish I had more open speaker/speaker discussion meetings I could attend. My sponsor frowns upon them. Since I have not made amends I am not eligible to share at the meetings I attend. I really wish I could go to a meeting and just be real and say "I really want to F***ing drink."
Bunny211 is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:51 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Acheleus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I am 7 days from 10 months sober and I have felt insane lately. Your post helps me recognize that patience and vigilance can overcome impulsive, self-destructive decisions that will lead us who knows where. I hope you feel more calm soon. 10 months is awesome! This is the longest I have been sober and I am feeling run down but I will crawl forward if I cannot walk. Stay strong!
Acheleus is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:54 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Re-Member
 
CaseyW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,906
I drank after five months sober last year. Within a few days, I was back to drinking two to six glasses of wine BEFORE going into work every day and then God knows how much after work. I'd say at least one out of every five shifts I was calling in with some fake excuse because I was either hungover or I just wanted to sit around the house and drink. It was a lonely, miserable existence. At least once a week, I'd tell myself "I'm going to stop drinking again" only to cave in shortly thereafter, usually on the same day.

It took every ounce of courage I had to come back in here and ask for help on March 13 of this year. You were one of the people who welcomed me here then.

Here's a very very long post I wrote last year about my history of relapses here on SR:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ays-sober.html

Of course I went back out drinking 75 days after writing that post.

This is a better way of life. Those feelings will pass. You did good admitting to them here. Call your sponsor, keep posting in here, help someone else today if you can, sit on your hands, take a shower, eat a gallon of ice cream, run a marathon, just do whatever it takes to not take that first drink today. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

EDIT: Just read that you're doing your 5th Step this weekend. Hang in there that long. I can almost 100% guarantee you'll feel much better afterwards.
CaseyW is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:57 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Re-Member
 
CaseyW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,906
Originally Posted by Bunny211 View Post
Since I have not made amends I am not eligible to share at the meetings I attend. I really wish I could go to a meeting and just be real and say "I really want to F***ing drink."
This is the one of the strangest AA-related things I've ever heard. I've been to AA meetings all over the country and never heard of such a policy. Are there other meeting options in your area? What's the point of a meeting where newcomers aren't allowed to share? Newcomers ARE Alcoholics Anonymous.

Last edited by CaseyW; 04-06-2016 at 02:02 PM. Reason: Changed some of my questionable phrasing
CaseyW is offline  
Old 04-06-2016, 01:58 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Delizadee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
The 5th step can be a huge and triggering thing for people. good for you. ... maybe that is part of the trigger?

Here is the relapse ladder hun.

Are you on the relapse ladder

Relapse is at the top of a nine step ladder of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The lowest rung is called happy memories . "Happy memories" means that you are thinking about the good times you had while you were using. The next rung up is called "I wasn't that bad ." This occurs when you tell yourself you weren't really that bad, that your addiction was someone else's fault, that your problem was caused by anything except your disease. The next rung higher is stopping treatment. This means that you cease going to meetings, you stop practicing the steps, you don't have time to see your therapist, you stop talking to your sponsor, you don't do your daily meditation. When you stop treatment, you pretend that you can stay sober by doing nothing. The fourth rung is called high risk situations . Examples are you return to the bar that you used to frequent, you begin hanging out with your old using friends, you spend long periods of time isolating in the basement where you used to drink vodka. You put yourself in these situations not thinking that you will use there, but just to experience the feeling of being there again. The fifth rung is called, emotional imbalance . During emotional imbalance, something causes you to get really angry, irritated or otherwise emotional and you remember how your drug, drink or behavior took away the pain of the emotion. You may even get really happy and you remember how you always drank to celebrate. Now you are really getting higher on the ladder, and like any ladder, the higher you go, the more dangerous the climb. Also, the higher you go, the more committed you are to reaching the top. The sixth rung is fantasizing. Now, you are spending increasing periods of your day thinking about using for no apparent reason. Fantasizing leads to the seventh rung, getting ready to use . This means you intend to use and you plan how you are going to relapse. You tell yourself that tonight when my husband is asleep, I am going to sneak out to the Bar. You make arrangements to buy drugs. You return to the internet porn site. You get dressed to go to the casino. You think through the exact steps of where you are going to go to get your drugs, drink, or act out. On the next rung, you actually get the drugs or order the drink. You acquire the tools of relapse. On this rung, you may feel a terrible panic, and unless you reach out to someone (which is now incredibly difficult to do because you are so committed to reaching the top), you step up to the final and ninth rung which is Relapse . As you know, the Relapse rung has a crack in it and cannot bear your weight. So you come crashing down. Sometimes the crash happens immediately. Sometimes, the crack worsens over time. But since there is a crack, you will fall. If you survive the fall, you will feel guilt at having relapsed. You will resolve to stop using. And unless you get treatment, you will start the terrible climb back up the relapse ladder beginning with the first rung which is...

If you are on the Relapse Ladder, you need to get off on the lowest rung possible BY TELLING ON YOUR DISEASE! Remember there are two parties involved in a relapse. There is you and there is your disease. If you tell someone that you may be on the Relapse Ladder, you are telling on your disease, not you. So, ask yourself if you are on any of the nine rungs. If so, say to yourself, "I must get off the ladder now" five times to yourself with increasing emphasis. Then pick up the phone and tell your trusted friend, confidant, therapist, or mentor which rung of the ladder you are on and that you want to get off. (Leaving a voicemail message also works). If you can’t connect with someone, read your recovery literature, pray to your Higher Power, write down which rung you are on and list the consequences which made you want to get sober in the first place. Do something recovery oriented and don't substitute your drug of choice with another drug or bad behavior lest you start a new addiction. Then try to connect with a supportive person as soon as possible. This process works regardless of your philosophical or religious beliefs. Remember, sharing with another doesn’t mean that you only reach out when you have a recognizable craving or urge to use. Sharing means that you reach out and discuss where you may be on the Relapse Ladder.

SoberTool App
Delizadee is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:41 AM.