Dealing with change/loss and staying sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Dealing with change/loss and staying sober
Hello all,
I'm having a pity party for myself right now and I need to stop. In the span of 12 months, I'm going through a divorce, have to move out of the home I've been in for 20 yrs (can't afford it) and find something a lot smaller, wave goodbye to my 18-yr-old triplets who will be starting college (yay for them!), only have my 10 yr-old son 50% of the time (shared custody) and, at age 52, have to find a job after 18 yrs of being a stay at home mom.
I was sitting on the patio yesterday when my older son came home from school, and he walked out to talk with me about his day. I realized how much I'm going to miss him, how much I'll miss all of my kids, my home, even my stupid husband -- everything that's been a part of my life for the last 20 yrs. I don't have any support here, no one to say, "I'm proud of you" for getting sober and staying that way. (Although my mom said that yesterday but she lives 1,000 miles away, as does the rest of my family.)
I'm usually pretty good at handling things myself, I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I don't go to AA (not my thing) but I do attend weekly online meetings with counselors and "graduates" of the rehab I attended in October. I'm guess I'm just missing the support of someone who cares about me, someone who would put their hand on my shoulder and tell me I'm doing a good job and they're proud of me. Well, I'M proud of me, so that will have to suffice for now. Thanks for reading my babbling. :-)
I'm having a pity party for myself right now and I need to stop. In the span of 12 months, I'm going through a divorce, have to move out of the home I've been in for 20 yrs (can't afford it) and find something a lot smaller, wave goodbye to my 18-yr-old triplets who will be starting college (yay for them!), only have my 10 yr-old son 50% of the time (shared custody) and, at age 52, have to find a job after 18 yrs of being a stay at home mom.
I was sitting on the patio yesterday when my older son came home from school, and he walked out to talk with me about his day. I realized how much I'm going to miss him, how much I'll miss all of my kids, my home, even my stupid husband -- everything that's been a part of my life for the last 20 yrs. I don't have any support here, no one to say, "I'm proud of you" for getting sober and staying that way. (Although my mom said that yesterday but she lives 1,000 miles away, as does the rest of my family.)
I'm usually pretty good at handling things myself, I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I don't go to AA (not my thing) but I do attend weekly online meetings with counselors and "graduates" of the rehab I attended in October. I'm guess I'm just missing the support of someone who cares about me, someone who would put their hand on my shoulder and tell me I'm doing a good job and they're proud of me. Well, I'M proud of me, so that will have to suffice for now. Thanks for reading my babbling. :-)
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I'm proud of you for getting sober and staying that way.
(Also really, really impressed!)
Change is hard, even when it's the right thing to do, and it's tough when the inevitable life stage changes (like your triplets going to college) happen at the same time.
You're facing really hard stuff stone cold sober. You are a warrior!
Sending you a hug, because even warriors need a hug now and again...
(Also really, really impressed!)
Change is hard, even when it's the right thing to do, and it's tough when the inevitable life stage changes (like your triplets going to college) happen at the same time.
You're facing really hard stuff stone cold sober. You are a warrior!
Sending you a hug, because even warriors need a hug now and again...
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Hi uncorked. Hang in there. As much as it's a cliche, it does get better. About 10 years ago I went thru something similar. My marriage wasn't the best and 7 months after getting sober my wife at the time wanted a divorce. I was devastated to say the least. We had two daughters who were teenagers at the time. It took a number of months to begin to move forward. I'm now very happily re-married with a step son to boot.
I maintained my sobriety until I started dating again. I thought I could drink socially so be prepared for that. It didn't work out.
You'll need to take it a day at a time and keep putting a foot forward. It won't always be easy. But drinking won't make it better so please don't entertain that idea.
I maintained my sobriety until I started dating again. I thought I could drink socially so be prepared for that. It didn't work out.
You'll need to take it a day at a time and keep putting a foot forward. It won't always be easy. But drinking won't make it better so please don't entertain that idea.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Read your first post. You've come a long way and should be proud of your progress.
As for support, not everyone knows how to give it, especially if we haven't told them how important it is to us and just exactly the kind of support we are seeking.
As for support, not everyone knows how to give it, especially if we haven't told them how important it is to us and just exactly the kind of support we are seeking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Yup. I'm divorced with two boys I see every other weekend. The sense of desperation is real.
Sometimes all we have is our self talk. Talk yourself into believing that now and the near future is going to blow. Expect it. Then accept it.
But you ALSO need to accept that the rest of your life is going to be the BEST of your life.
Today you can look back and only see all the things you wish you had done. Things you would have done differently.
Well the cool part is, you can Live today so you will not regret it Tomorrow.
Believe those things and keep convincing yourself that you can handle it all.
Is there any way you can get counseling? It's really a game changer. I mean lets get real. Divorce and Death are the two most depressing events. You will grow much faster emotionally. You'll get emotionally stronger 10x's faster.
Sometimes all we have is our self talk. Talk yourself into believing that now and the near future is going to blow. Expect it. Then accept it.
But you ALSO need to accept that the rest of your life is going to be the BEST of your life.
Today you can look back and only see all the things you wish you had done. Things you would have done differently.
Well the cool part is, you can Live today so you will not regret it Tomorrow.
Believe those things and keep convincing yourself that you can handle it all.
Is there any way you can get counseling? It's really a game changer. I mean lets get real. Divorce and Death are the two most depressing events. You will grow much faster emotionally. You'll get emotionally stronger 10x's faster.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
Hugs and lots of love to you Uncorked, you know we're going through similar stuff right now, and it's soooooooo hard. But we're sober and we're never going to regret that. My possible house fell through, riddled with damp, that's why it seemed affordable!! So I'm still stuck with a bully who doesn't want me, BUT I will find a place and my life WILL begin again, as will yours.
xxx
xxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I'm proud of you too 
Think about how much more difficult this would be if you were still drinking. Think of how genuine and calm you sound even in the face of your difficulties. You CAN handle this.
Not only that but this is a new opportunity for you. Change isn't all bad and think of it as a chance to rewrite the story the way you'd like it to turn out. Start making some goals and plans for yourself. Keep working on your recovery plan because this should all be a part of it. Have you thought of trying aa to meet new people? It wasn't my thing either, but I went and I felt at home most meetings I went to. And very welcome.
Maybe join some clubs or groups in your community. Find some new hobbies. Other moms in the area.
A new job will be an opportunity to make new connections too.
I think you are going to do great and keep coming here so we can share in your journey. .. in time you will probably find on your path that new things will keep happening. Remember to keep practicing gratitude, and don't ever give up!! 
Think about how much more difficult this would be if you were still drinking. Think of how genuine and calm you sound even in the face of your difficulties. You CAN handle this.
Not only that but this is a new opportunity for you. Change isn't all bad and think of it as a chance to rewrite the story the way you'd like it to turn out. Start making some goals and plans for yourself. Keep working on your recovery plan because this should all be a part of it. Have you thought of trying aa to meet new people? It wasn't my thing either, but I went and I felt at home most meetings I went to. And very welcome.
Maybe join some clubs or groups in your community. Find some new hobbies. Other moms in the area.
A new job will be an opportunity to make new connections too.
I think you are going to do great
and keep coming here so we can share in your journey. .. in time you will probably find on your path that new things will keep happening. Remember to keep practicing gratitude, and don't ever give up!!
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