MIL no longer the person I originally met
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 141
MIL no longer the person I originally met
Hi all! It's been a few years since I've posted but now I'm dealing with a different situation.
We have discovered my MIL has a drinking/substance abuse problem. There was something about 4 years ago that tipped me off that she was headed in that direction but my DH didn't seem to want to believe that so I left it alone.
Fast forward to 2014 and everything started slowly emerging to confirm my suspicions. Along with this we were dealing with domestic violence within their relationship that we had to tread lightly regarding since they live ~800 miles away.
She finally left by having her mother drive 12+ hours to pick her and her stuff up a few weeks ago. We tried to warn the family of all the possible scenarios and what she would attempt while there. (They don't live close to us either). I don't think they realized what they would be dealing with and she did everything as predicted.
She stayed drunk for the first few days (trying to hide it). She got an alimony check about 4 days after she left the husband. By the next Sunday, she took a flight to go get her car left back in original city only for the husband to call her mother saying they went to dinner, she drank too much and was throwing fits and breaking stuff. A week later she makes it back to hometown. The one night she's home, she gets obliterated and starts raising hell. They called the cops on her but they didn't take her into custody (she should have been).
Next morning she wakes up, lies about where she's going, parks her car at the airport there and flies BACK to husband. She's now calling her mother whining about "he's kidnapped the dog" and most recently "he was arrested for cocaine possession." I checked and no one was arrested for anything in the past year on either one of them.
My husband is trying to ignore her as his coping strategy, but I'm very afraid her mother is not going to make out well with this. Her mother is 70+ years old and his mother is somewhere in her 50's. Absolutely too old for anyone to deal with this.
I try to help my husband because I have once been there (with the drinking/drug problem) and I don't want to see his family go through all this pain because they have never dealt with this before.
The state she resides is one of the only ones that has an Act where you can have someone court ordered into 60-90 day rehab. I think I know this would possibly be a waste, but she NEEDS to clear her head. This is NOT the same person I met 7 years ago...this isn't even the same person that attended my wedding.
I'm in the middle of therapy for PTSD and I'm scared that having all of this constantly on our plate is going to get in the middle of my healing and/or our marriage. I thought about attending Al-Anon, but I don't know if that's something I want to add to the intense therapy I'm doing for myself.
Sometimes I want to call her and ask her if she knows what the &$%%##%^ she's doing to her family because her family won't seem to stop falling for the pity party.
Anyone have any suggestions or maybe if they've experienced this, how did it go? I almost feel like it's not my line to cross because it's not MY blood relative, but at the same time, this is my husband's well being too being affected.
We have discovered my MIL has a drinking/substance abuse problem. There was something about 4 years ago that tipped me off that she was headed in that direction but my DH didn't seem to want to believe that so I left it alone.
Fast forward to 2014 and everything started slowly emerging to confirm my suspicions. Along with this we were dealing with domestic violence within their relationship that we had to tread lightly regarding since they live ~800 miles away.
She finally left by having her mother drive 12+ hours to pick her and her stuff up a few weeks ago. We tried to warn the family of all the possible scenarios and what she would attempt while there. (They don't live close to us either). I don't think they realized what they would be dealing with and she did everything as predicted.
She stayed drunk for the first few days (trying to hide it). She got an alimony check about 4 days after she left the husband. By the next Sunday, she took a flight to go get her car left back in original city only for the husband to call her mother saying they went to dinner, she drank too much and was throwing fits and breaking stuff. A week later she makes it back to hometown. The one night she's home, she gets obliterated and starts raising hell. They called the cops on her but they didn't take her into custody (she should have been).
Next morning she wakes up, lies about where she's going, parks her car at the airport there and flies BACK to husband. She's now calling her mother whining about "he's kidnapped the dog" and most recently "he was arrested for cocaine possession." I checked and no one was arrested for anything in the past year on either one of them.
My husband is trying to ignore her as his coping strategy, but I'm very afraid her mother is not going to make out well with this. Her mother is 70+ years old and his mother is somewhere in her 50's. Absolutely too old for anyone to deal with this.
I try to help my husband because I have once been there (with the drinking/drug problem) and I don't want to see his family go through all this pain because they have never dealt with this before.
The state she resides is one of the only ones that has an Act where you can have someone court ordered into 60-90 day rehab. I think I know this would possibly be a waste, but she NEEDS to clear her head. This is NOT the same person I met 7 years ago...this isn't even the same person that attended my wedding.
I'm in the middle of therapy for PTSD and I'm scared that having all of this constantly on our plate is going to get in the middle of my healing and/or our marriage. I thought about attending Al-Anon, but I don't know if that's something I want to add to the intense therapy I'm doing for myself.
Sometimes I want to call her and ask her if she knows what the &$%%##%^ she's doing to her family because her family won't seem to stop falling for the pity party.
Anyone have any suggestions or maybe if they've experienced this, how did it go? I almost feel like it's not my line to cross because it's not MY blood relative, but at the same time, this is my husband's well being too being affected.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Not being a smarty at all, but maybe look up and see if there are any Alanon or Celebrate Recovery meetings in her parent's area, get them some pamphlets and encourage them to attend.
It's been my experience from listening to others that it's harder for the older people not to enable. They just have no capability to understand what alcoholism is, or what it can do. They still want to rationalize with the addict, which is not even possible.
Many hugs. I am glad you are already in therapy (although sorry that you have to be), and are taking that proactive stance for yourself.
It's been my experience from listening to others that it's harder for the older people not to enable. They just have no capability to understand what alcoholism is, or what it can do. They still want to rationalize with the addict, which is not even possible.
Many hugs. I am glad you are already in therapy (although sorry that you have to be), and are taking that proactive stance for yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 141
Thanks for the suggestion. We will be visiting soon so it's something I can look into.
I am realizing how hard it is for her not to enable. It's also hard for me to completely understand that because I didn't have many enablers when I was dealing with my issue. My family seems to take more of a tough love approach. I can be empathetic but I've reached the point that I feel like tough love is the only way to go now to handle this.
I am realizing how hard it is for her not to enable. It's also hard for me to completely understand that because I didn't have many enablers when I was dealing with my issue. My family seems to take more of a tough love approach. I can be empathetic but I've reached the point that I feel like tough love is the only way to go now to handle this.
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