Yogagurl

Dear FF Forum,

I hope that this forum is helping to instill peace and consolation in your hearts, like it did for mine for so long. I rarely visit this site anymore - I think that visiting is like tearing off a scab that I am trying so desperately to heal. I read that emotional abuse is the most devasting because it is so much harder to heal - the wounds we carry within us that no one can see are the worst. And I believe that.


I have been no contact with my ex Addict husband since February of 2015. I don't think of him anymore. Rarely do I think of him. But every now and again, about every month or two, my feelings of hurt and terror and these memories of all this pain come up and it rips me open to relive them. I don't know if I can every make those images go away for good, it's like cigarette smoking. You can go a year without and then you have a sudden urge and you have no idea where it came from. That's the pain I feel. And then, when the moment strikes, I think about how sick I was and how I sacrificed so much respect, money, time, energy, sleep, tears, worry, illness - and I wonder if I was ever even loved back. He moved on so quickly to so many different women when we split up - it makes me think that I was a means to an end.

The next day there may be some residual pain, and it will all go away within 36 hours. It's like a cycle. I was under water with a crack addict for four years - I feel it may take twice as long to forget what that feels like.

Love and light.
YG

hopeful4

It's good to hear from you YG!

I think as time continues to progress, and you continue to make changes in your own life in positive ways, and replace those bad memories with good, the cycle will happen much less.

You were under serious trauma. You are a warrior who came out of the other side hurt, but you persevered anyways!

Love and light to you as well my friend!

zoso77

There was a member who passed through here about 16 months ago, and one of the questions he asked me was why I stayed here even though my relationship with my AXGF ended. It was a fair question.

Speaking only for myself, I believe I have an obligation to serve those who are going through the wars. And without getting too personal, part of that obligation stems from the fact I'm honoring two people -- my mentor and a dear, dear friend -- who are no longer with us. In the case of my mentor, I'm honoring his legacy by helping those who are having a rough go.

Does my AXGF pop into my head occasionally? Of course she does. Does it sting? Sometimes. But that doesn't preclude me from doing what I do here.

So I guess what I'm telling you, YG, is you've been through the wars, you've survived, and whether you realize it or not, what you've learned could be a benefit to others. On this day, you may not have that in you because the scabs are too tender and raw. But there may come a day when you're ready to share what you've learned with others who are going through what you did. If that day comes, we'll be here. Until then, be safe.

Ann

Your post is a good reminder that it takes time and over time it hurts a little less and a little less often.

I agree with Zoso, newcomers can learn from you. When you feel comfortable please think about sharing your story with those who need to hear it most.

Wishing you better days ahead and a heart filled with sunshine.

Hugs

Firesong

I wonder about the same things sometimes, Yogagurl.

Bekindalways

Hey Yogagurl, congrats on getting out and moving forward. I am sorry for the wounds that you still carry. I do hope they will heal into wisdom. This world needs more wise folks.

It would be wonderful, if you could come back and support folks here but that is certainly not necessary. Unfortunately there are and there will be more people falling in love with addicts everywhere. You are one of a club that understands this special kind of pain. Of course none of us wanted to be in this club but only from this position can we offer the support and compassion needed.

Keep healing and taking care of yourself.