How do you deal with times that feel awkward and empty?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 113
How do you deal with times that feel awkward and empty?
I don't know if that makes sense, but I can't think of another way to describe it. I'm not in danger of drinking, so I'm not asking about that. It's more about how to adjust to a sober life.
An example would be when I've had to travel for work, which I do several times a week. I leave very early and then get home late, around 8.30pm. That gives me a couple of hours before I have to get ready for bed. Writing it like that, I think there are lots of useful or nice things I could do - watch a film, do some art, journal, have a cup of chamomile tea, cook, clean...
But in practice, I come home tired and restless. Above all, I feel empty. I can't settle down properly to anything until the time has all gone. Then it's too late and I feel frustrated and and often start feeling anxiety.
I live on my own but I'm fine with that. I'm an introvert so after a day out or anything stressful I want to be alone to decompress. I don't even want to ring a friend or be on this forum. It's not loneliness. It's just me not knowing how to deal with "dead time" when I'm not relaxed. Obviously, when I was drinking that was how I used to deal with it. Now, I don't know how.
Did anyone else experience something like this in early sobriety? Did you manage to get past it? Any encouragement would be really welcome.
And does anyone have any practical tips or suggestions? I want to break this dynamic so I promise that I'll try out anything that's feasible (and legal, decent etc)!
An example would be when I've had to travel for work, which I do several times a week. I leave very early and then get home late, around 8.30pm. That gives me a couple of hours before I have to get ready for bed. Writing it like that, I think there are lots of useful or nice things I could do - watch a film, do some art, journal, have a cup of chamomile tea, cook, clean...
But in practice, I come home tired and restless. Above all, I feel empty. I can't settle down properly to anything until the time has all gone. Then it's too late and I feel frustrated and and often start feeling anxiety.
I live on my own but I'm fine with that. I'm an introvert so after a day out or anything stressful I want to be alone to decompress. I don't even want to ring a friend or be on this forum. It's not loneliness. It's just me not knowing how to deal with "dead time" when I'm not relaxed. Obviously, when I was drinking that was how I used to deal with it. Now, I don't know how.
Did anyone else experience something like this in early sobriety? Did you manage to get past it? Any encouragement would be really welcome.
And does anyone have any practical tips or suggestions? I want to break this dynamic so I promise that I'll try out anything that's feasible (and legal, decent etc)!
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 444
Hi Zeroine
I felt and still feel the ways you describe, at times. I would come home from work and actually feel awkward around my family and very uncomfortable with the free time. It is an odd feeling.
I undertook many of the suggestions you will find on here and they helped considerably: exercise, cooking, cup of tea, good books, walking my dogs etc.... And all of it helped.
None of it helped as much though as the passage of time. I've pressed on a inexorably my outlook and circumstances have begun to feel more "right" and normal. It's growing back into one's new skin I think that takes some time.
Hang in there!
Jonathan
I felt and still feel the ways you describe, at times. I would come home from work and actually feel awkward around my family and very uncomfortable with the free time. It is an odd feeling.
I undertook many of the suggestions you will find on here and they helped considerably: exercise, cooking, cup of tea, good books, walking my dogs etc.... And all of it helped.
None of it helped as much though as the passage of time. I've pressed on a inexorably my outlook and circumstances have begun to feel more "right" and normal. It's growing back into one's new skin I think that takes some time.
Hang in there!
Jonathan
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
I used to travel for work and I think what you're experiencing is pretty normal. When I got back I was jacked up from the stress of travel. Don't know if you air travel but that's the worst. You have stress and some adrenaline going and it takes awhile to calm down when you first get home. It's hard to concentrate on anything. So I'd say don't worry, just let yourself calm.
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
Yup, that is perfectly normal.
When I had about a month clean I heard the man I would ask to sponsor me speak. He talked about not feeling comfortable in his own skin. He talked about having 1,000 voices in his head that all had one thing in common - they hated him. He talked about things being different now. - I paid attention. I identified with what he was talking about.
The NA literature talks about feeling empty and alone and that inner gnawing we feel without drugs or anything to replace them. Elsewhere it talks about addiction being an acute case of the human condition and that we tend to feel life acutely. - I read all of those things and identified. It wasn't about the drugs. It was about how I felt.
Even with a bit of time clean I still feel awkward and empty. The difference is I have a few close friends in recovery who I talk to about how I am feeling. They understand what it is like to be me. It has taken time, but these connections are worth the world to me. My sponsor and some of the other people who have been in recovery a lot longer than I have assure me that we feel more comfortable with ourselves over time. My own experience is that I am much better than I used to be. However, I still need the connections and the reassurance. - I'm still trying to develop a sens of who I am now, but I know it's not the person that I used to be.
When I had about a month clean I heard the man I would ask to sponsor me speak. He talked about not feeling comfortable in his own skin. He talked about having 1,000 voices in his head that all had one thing in common - they hated him. He talked about things being different now. - I paid attention. I identified with what he was talking about.
The NA literature talks about feeling empty and alone and that inner gnawing we feel without drugs or anything to replace them. Elsewhere it talks about addiction being an acute case of the human condition and that we tend to feel life acutely. - I read all of those things and identified. It wasn't about the drugs. It was about how I felt.
Even with a bit of time clean I still feel awkward and empty. The difference is I have a few close friends in recovery who I talk to about how I am feeling. They understand what it is like to be me. It has taken time, but these connections are worth the world to me. My sponsor and some of the other people who have been in recovery a lot longer than I have assure me that we feel more comfortable with ourselves over time. My own experience is that I am much better than I used to be. However, I still need the connections and the reassurance. - I'm still trying to develop a sens of who I am now, but I know it's not the person that I used to be.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
Yup...I get it. Still trying to figure it out. I'm still pretty restless. I try to keep my hands and my mind busy with reading or some type of needlework or puzzles. When the weather is nicer I walk a lot with my pup. I've been trying to be more social. I go to meeting occasionally. I"m also starting to reconnect with healthy friends.
It's a process I've found.
It's a process I've found.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
I get it, I still have those issues sometimes, too. Actually, at 18 months I was relieved to read that some of you guys with significant sober time still experience this. Sometimes I can get lost in coloring (I love adult coloring books) and I think to myself that I am just wasting time that I could be doing something productive. As if all of the years I sat on the couch drinking I was saving the world or something? I think not!
I am really glad you posted about this, thank you. I am in a funk myself and I can certainly use the guidance as well!
I am really glad you posted about this, thank you. I am in a funk myself and I can certainly use the guidance as well!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
yoga dvd or online classes very helpful
jigsaw puzzles were a wonderful starter to occupy my time in the evenings
I watched old comedy sitcoms, read novels, took hot showers
and started teaching myself guitar--lots of great home instruction dvds these days.
Doing something helps.
A bedtime ritual also important--for me, shower, herbal tea or hot chocolate, a novel to read, and a dog or cat to gently pet while reading
jigsaw puzzles were a wonderful starter to occupy my time in the evenings
I watched old comedy sitcoms, read novels, took hot showers
and started teaching myself guitar--lots of great home instruction dvds these days.
Doing something helps.
A bedtime ritual also important--for me, shower, herbal tea or hot chocolate, a novel to read, and a dog or cat to gently pet while reading
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I get this too.
Although I'm an introvert as well, the best way I've found to occupy my evening hours centers on going to group or to a meeting. Mostly, I listen, so it doesn't take much energy out of me. And it always gives me something to ponder. Doing this fills up enough of my evening that it's easy to fill the balance with tidying, grocery shopping, laundry or whatever followed by Netflix.
I'm thinking/hoping former interests will come back to me, but for the time being this works.
Although I'm an introvert as well, the best way I've found to occupy my evening hours centers on going to group or to a meeting. Mostly, I listen, so it doesn't take much energy out of me. And it always gives me something to ponder. Doing this fills up enough of my evening that it's easy to fill the balance with tidying, grocery shopping, laundry or whatever followed by Netflix.
I'm thinking/hoping former interests will come back to me, but for the time being this works.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I get this too. It was way worse in the beginning but has gotten better over time. My problem now is that I tried to fill that time with ALL of the things you listed and it gets overwhelming. I've tried to just allow myself to focus on one or two things. Otherwise I get really scattered.
I also found it helpful to have a routine of what I do and when. When I get home I load the dishwasher. It's ten p.m. here. I'm checking SR with the TV on in the background. I also think that in the beginning, jigsaw puzzles like what was earlier suggested were a great way to keep my hands, eyes and brain occupied. It really helped.
Thanks for posting this because it got me thinking.
I also found it helpful to have a routine of what I do and when. When I get home I load the dishwasher. It's ten p.m. here. I'm checking SR with the TV on in the background. I also think that in the beginning, jigsaw puzzles like what was earlier suggested were a great way to keep my hands, eyes and brain occupied. It really helped.
Thanks for posting this because it got me thinking.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I'm an introvert too, and it takes me a couple of hours minimum (sometimes longer) to decompress after being around others, especially at work, where I can't easily escape. So when I get home, after I take care of the animals, I make a cup of tea, and then sit down at the computer to check emails, read news, read here on the forum, or read articles online. Sometimes I'm full of tension, anger, and anxiety. It takes me a little while to relax and let it go. Tea, soaking in the tub, petting and talking to the dogs and cats, sometimes talking with my husband, or texting a friend ... all those help. Some people exercise or read to unwind. I've found I can only do those things when my mind is fresh, in the mornings. Watering and tending to my plants is another thing that actually helps to unwind and fill that empty space.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
I came to realize that everybody has times when they feel a little awkward and empty. Life isn't meant to feel "good" all the time. Boy I sure chased that dream into the gutter.
I used to look at super people in the evenings and envied how they didn't need anything (alcohol) to just sit there, totally fine, not doing much of anything, just sitting there watching wheel of fortune.
I used to look at super people in the evenings and envied how they didn't need anything (alcohol) to just sit there, totally fine, not doing much of anything, just sitting there watching wheel of fortune.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Whenever I feel like that I go to a yoga class. It releases some of the same chemicals (GABA) that drinking did (but in healthy doses). My first go at sobriety I went every single day. It just took the edge off so well, and it gave me a nice hobby.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 411
Meditation is what helps me through these times. Well, it helps....and doesn't, lol. When I get anxious (which is a lot), my brain just starts firing off all these random thoughts, possibilities, scenarios, etc. Its like some crazy film is playing that I can't stop. I've found that if I try to stop it just gets worse. So I don't try. I have a little dialogue with my mind that goes like, " oh, ok. We're going to play this little story again about some imaginary terrible thing that's going to happen to me tomorrow. How interesting. Ok, so you just weave whatever little fantasies you want, and I'm going to sit here and watch you do it."
This usually shuts my stupid little brain up. Of course then it starts up again....so I may have to do this a bunch of times :P
This usually shuts my stupid little brain up. Of course then it starts up again....so I may have to do this a bunch of times :P
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Feeling restless, irritable and discontent is pretty common until we're further down the road of recovery. I'm in AA and found that after step 5 I got relief from this - for the most part.
Things that help (me, and now my sponsee ):-
1) Check the HALT triggers (Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired) aren't at play . If they are, rectify them asap. If you're not sure about one, rectify it anyway.
2) Pray and / or meditate (very simple mindful meditation helps stop the chatter in my head, and acts like a kind of restart.)
3) Do a gratitude list (we're pretty good at going from restless, irritable and discontent to full blown self-pity, which is appallingly bad for our sobriety. A gratitude list is a safeguard against that)
4) help someone (in real life, or maybe someone on the Newcomers board who could do with some encouragement )
5) talk to someone who understands (for me that would be call someone in the fellowship or pop along to a meeting)
5) Take a shower /bath / swim (this is my sponsees addition )
I hope some of this is helpful.
Wishing you all the best with your recovery.
Things that help (me, and now my sponsee ):-
1) Check the HALT triggers (Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired) aren't at play . If they are, rectify them asap. If you're not sure about one, rectify it anyway.
2) Pray and / or meditate (very simple mindful meditation helps stop the chatter in my head, and acts like a kind of restart.)
3) Do a gratitude list (we're pretty good at going from restless, irritable and discontent to full blown self-pity, which is appallingly bad for our sobriety. A gratitude list is a safeguard against that)
4) help someone (in real life, or maybe someone on the Newcomers board who could do with some encouragement )
5) talk to someone who understands (for me that would be call someone in the fellowship or pop along to a meeting)
5) Take a shower /bath / swim (this is my sponsees addition )
I hope some of this is helpful.
Wishing you all the best with your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by soberwolf 
Gratitude lists help ?
Maybe that's just me, but it seems to help my sponsee as well (unless she's fibbing - I'll double check)
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 166
I spent a lot of time reflecting on this same issue myself. I think we all fall into the trap in life that we are meant to be consistently happy, content, entertained, consumed etc. The reality is that life is about balance and whilst there is a desire to live in eternal contentment I believe (for the vast majority of us) this is an unhealthy expectation. The Dalai Llama can sit, meditate, reflect, keep a calm focussed mind and balanced biology as it is a full time dedication for him but we have to deal with mortgages, social expectations, propaganda and fear mongering, unbalanced diets, stressful demands from working jobs and this is just the daily grind. Most of us have traumatic pasts and addictive personality complexes to add into the mix also.
So, for me when I have a bad day or string of bad days now, instead of fighting it I am almost trying to accept it as part of life. I do find it hard but having some acceptance of it has stopped it growing into a monster that pushes me towards drinking for temporary relief again.
I've found my negativity and depressed phases draw creativity from me and some of my best poems, songwriting and art have come from it so every cloud right?
That is all very personal to me of course but maybe another perspective will help.
So, for me when I have a bad day or string of bad days now, instead of fighting it I am almost trying to accept it as part of life. I do find it hard but having some acceptance of it has stopped it growing into a monster that pushes me towards drinking for temporary relief again.
I've found my negativity and depressed phases draw creativity from me and some of my best poems, songwriting and art have come from it so every cloud right?
That is all very personal to me of course but maybe another perspective will help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 576
Ahh..I am pretty much tired and felling empty , if not numb most of the time...Any little amount of stress seems to trigger a small anxiety event..If the stress doesn't disappear , then I almost slip into a panic state...It's quite discouraging , so I literally say out loud "God , please give me the strength" ..
It's like I always need to be doing something , constantly , if I slow down for one minute , my mind seems to go blank and fill up with a billion self defeating thoughts..
I am flat out done mentally by 5PM every day...They say it gets better...So I am trying to hang in there..Also just diagonsed with sleep apnea , which doesn't help a durn thing ..
It's like I always need to be doing something , constantly , if I slow down for one minute , my mind seems to go blank and fill up with a billion self defeating thoughts..
I am flat out done mentally by 5PM every day...They say it gets better...So I am trying to hang in there..Also just diagonsed with sleep apnea , which doesn't help a durn thing ..
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