Same Story
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 1
Same Story
Originally Posted by Hess 
I am new here, But unfortunately having an addict brother is not new to me. That's been going on for 8 or 9 years now (at least that I know of).
A little background information:
My brother is 30 years old. His drug of choice is heroin, however he pairs this with any number of any other drugs (especially crack and/or cocaine). He has made some steps at recovery. He takes Suboxone daily, has been to several rehabs in the past, and he used to attend meetings for a program called "celebrate recovery". He is Married. He has a toddler son and stepson who live with them, and an older son who lives elsewhere.
The second part of the equation is that I have an enabling/codependent mother. She helped hide my brother's addiction from the family for at least a year. Defends him, bails him out of jail, pays his legal fees, pays his bills, and will gives him a place to stay when he screws up.
I am 32 years old. I have a great professional full time job and I am also a part time student putting myself through an engineering degree at a very good university. I have a very good marriage and I have two wonderful children. I have only ever had two addictions in my life, cigarettes (which I quit 7 years ago), and coffee (I may never recover). I have pretty stayed out of everything having to do with my addicted brother over the years. I've been around for moral support, but that's about the extent of it. They're all adults and should take care of themselves.
The reason I'm on this forum is because the whole situation changed over the holidays. My step-father left my mom on the day after Christmas. That left her all alone to deal with all of this. And it completely shattered her. My step-father always had "some" boundaries. But now with him gone, all the boundaries are gone.
I don't really know how well my brother has been doing over the past few years. I just know that he has been "functional" for a few years now. He was working, got a girl pregnant and married her, and they have had their own apartment. Albeit it is state funded housing, and I'm finding out now about how many bills were being paid and the "help" my mom was contributing. Most of all there hasn't been the arrests.
That also changed over the holidays. He was arrested Christmas eve. I don't know the exact details of the arrest. I can only get an absolutely ridiculous story, full of excuses and what are hard to believe explanations about what happened. Anyway, it was drug related, he says it was for cocaine and a pipe. Of course he claims it was the first time, and it was on a whim and blah, blah, blah....
His wife threw him out of there apartment and he began staying with my mom. I was pretty upset about him staying there... my opinion was that he was able to come up with extra money for cocaine he can easily find money for a hotel.
A day or two passes, and the next thing I know my brother is moving his wife and kids into my moms house. To top that off she gives them her master suite, and she moves into a guest bedroom and is now sharing a bathroom with my brother's kids.
I tried to intervene, but it didn't help anything. I took my mom aside and tried to talk some sense into her. It fell on deaf ears. Now I'm actually being made to look/feel like the a**hole in all of this. My brother and his wife are accusing me of jealousy, greed, competition, etc... I went to my mom's a few days ago after she asked me to help her with some Audio video and computer stuff around the house. My brother hovered over me the whole time and tried to boss me around. I had to ask him several times to get away from me. It got to the point that I had to warn him to stay away he’s going to get an a**kicking. Now, he is starting to stand next to my mom while I am talking on the phone with her, listening in and interjecting.
So now I am at a crossroads, do I continue to try to defend my mother, or do I back away because she is a grown woman. She is at a very fragile point in her life, with her husband just leaving her, it makes me feel like I need to defend her. But she has said that my brother is helping her. She enjoys waking up to her grandchildren doesn’t want to be alone, etc…
I am so torn… I am not sleeping… I am not able to concentrate at work…. And my classes started this week…. Unable to concentrate on them…
I am interested in hearing from others in similar situations… What did you do??? How did you cope??? Any advice is appreciated….
A little background information:
My brother is 30 years old. His drug of choice is heroin, however he pairs this with any number of any other drugs (especially crack and/or cocaine). He has made some steps at recovery. He takes Suboxone daily, has been to several rehabs in the past, and he used to attend meetings for a program called "celebrate recovery". He is Married. He has a toddler son and stepson who live with them, and an older son who lives elsewhere.
The second part of the equation is that I have an enabling/codependent mother. She helped hide my brother's addiction from the family for at least a year. Defends him, bails him out of jail, pays his legal fees, pays his bills, and will gives him a place to stay when he screws up.
I am 32 years old. I have a great professional full time job and I am also a part time student putting myself through an engineering degree at a very good university. I have a very good marriage and I have two wonderful children. I have only ever had two addictions in my life, cigarettes (which I quit 7 years ago), and coffee (I may never recover). I have pretty stayed out of everything having to do with my addicted brother over the years. I've been around for moral support, but that's about the extent of it. They're all adults and should take care of themselves.
The reason I'm on this forum is because the whole situation changed over the holidays. My step-father left my mom on the day after Christmas. That left her all alone to deal with all of this. And it completely shattered her. My step-father always had "some" boundaries. But now with him gone, all the boundaries are gone.
I don't really know how well my brother has been doing over the past few years. I just know that he has been "functional" for a few years now. He was working, got a girl pregnant and married her, and they have had their own apartment. Albeit it is state funded housing, and I'm finding out now about how many bills were being paid and the "help" my mom was contributing. Most of all there hasn't been the arrests.
That also changed over the holidays. He was arrested Christmas eve. I don't know the exact details of the arrest. I can only get an absolutely ridiculous story, full of excuses and what are hard to believe explanations about what happened. Anyway, it was drug related, he says it was for cocaine and a pipe. Of course he claims it was the first time, and it was on a whim and blah, blah, blah....
His wife threw him out of there apartment and he began staying with my mom. I was pretty upset about him staying there... my opinion was that he was able to come up with extra money for cocaine he can easily find money for a hotel.
A day or two passes, and the next thing I know my brother is moving his wife and kids into my moms house. To top that off she gives them her master suite, and she moves into a guest bedroom and is now sharing a bathroom with my brother's kids.
I tried to intervene, but it didn't help anything. I took my mom aside and tried to talk some sense into her. It fell on deaf ears. Now I'm actually being made to look/feel like the a**hole in all of this. My brother and his wife are accusing me of jealousy, greed, competition, etc... I went to my mom's a few days ago after she asked me to help her with some Audio video and computer stuff around the house. My brother hovered over me the whole time and tried to boss me around. I had to ask him several times to get away from me. It got to the point that I had to warn him to stay away he’s going to get an a**kicking. Now, he is starting to stand next to my mom while I am talking on the phone with her, listening in and interjecting.
So now I am at a crossroads, do I continue to try to defend my mother, or do I back away because she is a grown woman. She is at a very fragile point in her life, with her husband just leaving her, it makes me feel like I need to defend her. But she has said that my brother is helping her. She enjoys waking up to her grandchildren doesn’t want to be alone, etc…
I am so torn… I am not sleeping… I am not able to concentrate at work…. And my classes started this week…. Unable to concentrate on them…
I am interested in hearing from others in similar situations… What did you do??? How did you cope??? Any advice is appreciated….
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Dodievogt...
Welcome to the Board. I'm very sorry for your loss this past Christmas.
Where you've posted on an old thread, I'm going to see if I can move your post to its own thread and our members can respond to you then. Hang tight.
Welcome to the Board. I'm very sorry for your loss this past Christmas.
Where you've posted on an old thread, I'm going to see if I can move your post to its own thread and our members can respond to you then. Hang tight.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Dodie, I am so sorry for your loss, it just breaks my heart that addiction can steal our loved ones from us all the way to death.
You will find a lot of understanding and comfort here, your story is the biggest fear for most of us and a sad reality for others here as well.
A meeting that helped me a lot, to cope with the addiction of my own son but also to help me overcome my codependency was called CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), those meetings literally saved my life. Other good meetings for codependents are Al-anon and Nar-anon, all three are similar and are about us finding a healthier way to live.
Maybe give them a try. If your mother is willing, she may benefit also but even if she is not, it will help you find and keep your balance.
I am so glad you found us and hope that this place will help you work through this. You are among friends here who understand how you feel.
Welcome to SR.
Hugs
You will find a lot of understanding and comfort here, your story is the biggest fear for most of us and a sad reality for others here as well.
A meeting that helped me a lot, to cope with the addiction of my own son but also to help me overcome my codependency was called CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), those meetings literally saved my life. Other good meetings for codependents are Al-anon and Nar-anon, all three are similar and are about us finding a healthier way to live.
Maybe give them a try. If your mother is willing, she may benefit also but even if she is not, it will help you find and keep your balance.
I am so glad you found us and hope that this place will help you work through this. You are among friends here who understand how you feel.
Welcome to SR.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Welcome. Sorry to hear about your loss. Life is tricky and you never know what is around the next curve. I am glad you have reached out and the love and level of experience and hope you will feel is unparalleled.
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