Gulp. I'm scared.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Gulp. I'm scared.
I'm 58 years old and my parents are still making me crazy. They are and always have been one of my biggest triggers and right now it's getting worse.
Forgive the length...I'll shorthand this best I can...
Father: A dry drunk, at least most of the time. Controlling, paranoid, domineering, sexually inappropriate, critical, perfecter of the three-day silent rage, snobbish, obsessed with his image and how his children and grandchildren reflect on him...and he has zero self-awareness. As long as everything goes his way, he is very charming, but the second it doesn't...watch out.
Mother: Sunny side up. Everything is wonderful, we're so happy and Daddy just says these terrible things because he loves you and worries about you, so you are too sensitive...happy happy happy!!!! Oh, and where's my wine??? Nothing to see here! Positive thinking!!!!
And this dichotomy is why I'm crazy. Oh, and everyone not related to them thinks they're wonderful and when I see their friends they all give me the side eye, so God knows what they're being told.
So they live several states away, which is just about right...could be farther. They are now quite elderly and my mother has a severe health problems made worse by her wine habit, not that anyone can tell her that. She is effectively housebound now.
They refuse to move to assisted living and don't want a companion to live there, even though they have the money.
My husband and I have been trying to sell our house and move to a gentler climate. My father has therefore decided that the perfect solution is for us to move in with them, "mostly rent free" meaning I get to be their house slave. OH NO NO NO. I said no to his first sales pitch two months ago, which was 57 minutes of non-stop long-distance filibuster and hoped that would end it. I just found out he pitched the idea to my sister last week, hoping she would join in!
To those of you who have never been a codependent, you're probably thinking, "Geez, just say no again." I really can't articulate how relentless he can be. My husband just looks at me, because no way, but even he doesn't really get how much I fear dealing with one of my father's "my way NOW" campaigns, which inevitably include my mother calling me in tears begging me to go along.
This is ridiculous, but I'm scared of him. My biggest fear is that he will live forever and I'll somehow end up alone in that house taking care of him.
Got any sanity you can spare?
Forgive the length...I'll shorthand this best I can...
Father: A dry drunk, at least most of the time. Controlling, paranoid, domineering, sexually inappropriate, critical, perfecter of the three-day silent rage, snobbish, obsessed with his image and how his children and grandchildren reflect on him...and he has zero self-awareness. As long as everything goes his way, he is very charming, but the second it doesn't...watch out.
Mother: Sunny side up. Everything is wonderful, we're so happy and Daddy just says these terrible things because he loves you and worries about you, so you are too sensitive...happy happy happy!!!! Oh, and where's my wine??? Nothing to see here! Positive thinking!!!!
And this dichotomy is why I'm crazy. Oh, and everyone not related to them thinks they're wonderful and when I see their friends they all give me the side eye, so God knows what they're being told.
So they live several states away, which is just about right...could be farther. They are now quite elderly and my mother has a severe health problems made worse by her wine habit, not that anyone can tell her that. She is effectively housebound now.
They refuse to move to assisted living and don't want a companion to live there, even though they have the money.
My husband and I have been trying to sell our house and move to a gentler climate. My father has therefore decided that the perfect solution is for us to move in with them, "mostly rent free" meaning I get to be their house slave. OH NO NO NO. I said no to his first sales pitch two months ago, which was 57 minutes of non-stop long-distance filibuster and hoped that would end it. I just found out he pitched the idea to my sister last week, hoping she would join in!
To those of you who have never been a codependent, you're probably thinking, "Geez, just say no again." I really can't articulate how relentless he can be. My husband just looks at me, because no way, but even he doesn't really get how much I fear dealing with one of my father's "my way NOW" campaigns, which inevitably include my mother calling me in tears begging me to go along.
This is ridiculous, but I'm scared of him. My biggest fear is that he will live forever and I'll somehow end up alone in that house taking care of him.
Got any sanity you can spare?
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
You have described your family (and probably a dynamic familiar to many of us) to a T.
I felt this visceral anxiety just reading your post because I SO understand and empathize the scenario you are in.
Hard as it is, I think that saying no, is your best bet.
I don't think you have to get into why, justify, hope they will respect you, understand, allow you your space.... They will do what they do-- guilt trip you, silent treatment you, speak badly of you. You know this about them already it sounds like. But if you are anything like me, you hope that with each interaction with them, somehow you might be able to do something different that will make THEM act differently in turn, toward you.
I might resort to email and simply say that you have discussed it with your spouse, that you have heard their requests and that you are not interested (phrase it however you like, but make it a definitive no as you have every right to do).
And perhaps since they have opted to involve your sister, you can cc her too so that a) it takes the wind out of their sails in terms of playing "poor us" to her and b) you get to control what she hears in terms of what you're telling them.
I have found the cc: to be very effective in shutting down some of the triangulation game playing my ex, his family and my own family are all so skilled at.
I felt this visceral anxiety just reading your post because I SO understand and empathize the scenario you are in.
Hard as it is, I think that saying no, is your best bet.
I don't think you have to get into why, justify, hope they will respect you, understand, allow you your space.... They will do what they do-- guilt trip you, silent treatment you, speak badly of you. You know this about them already it sounds like. But if you are anything like me, you hope that with each interaction with them, somehow you might be able to do something different that will make THEM act differently in turn, toward you.
I might resort to email and simply say that you have discussed it with your spouse, that you have heard their requests and that you are not interested (phrase it however you like, but make it a definitive no as you have every right to do).
And perhaps since they have opted to involve your sister, you can cc her too so that a) it takes the wind out of their sails in terms of playing "poor us" to her and b) you get to control what she hears in terms of what you're telling them.
I have found the cc: to be very effective in shutting down some of the triangulation game playing my ex, his family and my own family are all so skilled at.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
I'm 52 and going through the exact same thing with my parents. I live several hours away from them. My mother is housebound due to health problems, and has developed a pretty serious dependency on opiates (prescribed -- she is legitimately in a lot of pain), and my father does not do a good job with the cleaning and other household chores. They have plenty of money, but are unwilling to have a housekeeper or even a cleaning lady once a week, even if I pay for it, because "we don't want a stranger in the house." They actually suggested last Christmas (after 3 days of constant criticism of my life choices) that, since I split up with my ex, I move back into my childhood bedroom and take care of them! No, no no. And No!
There is a lot of denial and dysfunction going on with them. They are both in their mid 80s, and absolutely will not face the fact that they will need assistance to live within the next 3-5 years. Any discussion about the future and they shut down. It is very sad. I get that codie urge to want to "fix" things, especially since they are old and not thinking clearly.
But I have my own life. As long as my father is healthy, he can do the bare minimum to keep things going. His health will go at some point, and we'll have to cross that bridge when it happens.
There is a lot of denial and dysfunction going on with them. They are both in their mid 80s, and absolutely will not face the fact that they will need assistance to live within the next 3-5 years. Any discussion about the future and they shut down. It is very sad. I get that codie urge to want to "fix" things, especially since they are old and not thinking clearly.
But I have my own life. As long as my father is healthy, he can do the bare minimum to keep things going. His health will go at some point, and we'll have to cross that bridge when it happens.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
which was 57 minutes of non-stop long-distance filibuster
first thing that grabbed me....you STAYING on the phone for that long AFTER saying NO. so set a limit on phone conversations. grab a timer if you have to.....10 mins. and when the time is up, great talking, but i have to go now. AND THEN HANG UP.
I'm 58 years old and in charge of my own life.
make that your mantra. YOU are in charge. YOU call the shots. they can only control you IF you let it. today you have the POWER. your own power.
probably a good idea to stop SHARING so much of what is going on in your life with THEM. no more talk about the house selling and moving. keep it to innocuous stuff. nothing personal. boundaries. boundaries. they don't need to know every detail of your life.
first thing that grabbed me....you STAYING on the phone for that long AFTER saying NO. so set a limit on phone conversations. grab a timer if you have to.....10 mins. and when the time is up, great talking, but i have to go now. AND THEN HANG UP.
I'm 58 years old and in charge of my own life.
make that your mantra. YOU are in charge. YOU call the shots. they can only control you IF you let it. today you have the POWER. your own power.
probably a good idea to stop SHARING so much of what is going on in your life with THEM. no more talk about the house selling and moving. keep it to innocuous stuff. nothing personal. boundaries. boundaries. they don't need to know every detail of your life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Deep breaths......
You aren't 8 years old anymore, I think the the fear is coming
from your authentic self (inner child) and it is a habit. Boundaries
are essential here. Please, just say no. You might tell them you want what's
best for them, and research shows they will flourish in assisted living
and that's what your decision is. Make up any excuse to then get off
the phone. We are talking about your self preservation.
Limited contact, very limited. Good luck to you, you will get lots
of great help here
You aren't 8 years old anymore, I think the the fear is coming
from your authentic self (inner child) and it is a habit. Boundaries
are essential here. Please, just say no. You might tell them you want what's
best for them, and research shows they will flourish in assisted living
and that's what your decision is. Make up any excuse to then get off
the phone. We are talking about your self preservation.
Limited contact, very limited. Good luck to you, you will get lots
of great help here
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
In order to say no to your demanding father and your teary/begging mother, you are going to have to believe that you deserve to say no.
I know this is hard. But I promise it gets easier with practice. Remember that "no" is a complete sentence -- you do not ever owe anyone a "why". Even if they beg, scream and demand it. It's enough that you just don't want to.
There is undoubtedly fear that by holding to your (perfectly normal, perfectly HEALTHY) boundary, you will break something between you and your parents, but that is on them. You are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to be your own person. They should want that for you, and if they are too damaged to understand that, they are only hurting themselves.
I know this is hard. But I promise it gets easier with practice. Remember that "no" is a complete sentence -- you do not ever owe anyone a "why". Even if they beg, scream and demand it. It's enough that you just don't want to.
There is undoubtedly fear that by holding to your (perfectly normal, perfectly HEALTHY) boundary, you will break something between you and your parents, but that is on them. You are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to be your own person. They should want that for you, and if they are too damaged to understand that, they are only hurting themselves.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I absolutely understand the discomfort at this "offer" but I am lost on the scared part. What kind of fear does this trigger? Where does it come from & why?
With discomfort, you can hold on tight & ride through & eventually you start to develop a feeling of normalcy & that original discomfort subsides. But fear is different & is probably being triggered by a much deeper, much more involved set of dynamics.
If this was me, I'd work on getting to the root of the fear, dragging it out into the sunlight & examining it so that I could fix the root issue.
With discomfort, you can hold on tight & ride through & eventually you start to develop a feeling of normalcy & that original discomfort subsides. But fear is different & is probably being triggered by a much deeper, much more involved set of dynamics.
If this was me, I'd work on getting to the root of the fear, dragging it out into the sunlight & examining it so that I could fix the root issue.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
First of all, thank you all for your replies. I know how absurd it all sounds, but it's amazing how some childhood stuff sticks over the years and it sneaks up on me. I had to return a phone call from them and I was just...scared to deal with it. And they no longer do email, as their computers are toast, and I relied on email to deal with them for a long time.
OH THANK YOU. This is the part I dread...it's all happy happy and just when I think we're all adults now it takes a hard right into Crazy Town. Yep.
Oh, and as for oversharing with them...my father has kvetched for fifteen years about me living out in the boonies. So when he started on this topic recently, I told him about our plans to move, never anticipating that would come back and bite me in the butt this way. Normally I keep it very superficial...weather, mostly.
Deep breath. Boundaries. No means no.
Okay.
P.S. On the plus side, my first reaction when I heard their whiny message last night wasn't "WHERE'S THE WINE" and that's real progress.
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy 
But if you are anything like me, you hope that with each interaction with them, somehow you might be able to do something different that will make THEM act differently in turn, toward you.
Oh, and as for oversharing with them...my father has kvetched for fifteen years about me living out in the boonies. So when he started on this topic recently, I told him about our plans to move, never anticipating that would come back and bite me in the butt this way. Normally I keep it very superficial...weather, mostly.
Deep breath. Boundaries. No means no.
Okay.
P.S. On the plus side, my first reaction when I heard their whiny message last night wasn't "WHERE'S THE WINE" and that's real progress.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
It may help to keep in mind that it is not you, his loving daughter
that he wants to have close to him so much, but that you are simply
a preferred method for him to retain control in his soon to be
changing life.
that he wants to have close to him so much, but that you are simply
a preferred method for him to retain control in his soon to be
changing life.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I can relate somewhat. My parents have been ill for 3 years. My dad is demanding, controlling, his way or the highway. He is also loving, and a good dad. First things first....never, under any circumstance move in with them. Period. Lose this fear about ending up taking care of him. They are financially in a position to make the decisions that some people can't! its best for them to remain independent - its best for them to move somewhere that will encourage their independence rather than have them become dependent on a family member. My parents also financially are well off. THAT'S WHAT ITS FOR.
Find your voice. NO MEANS NO. There is no discussion, why are you discussing it? that's your mistake. The next time they bring it up say it once nicely, then say the second time in a manner in which they understand "NO F'ING WAY". I wouldn't blame this on your husband. That just leaves the door open for discussion.
Its one thing to help, its another thing to sell your life as you know it and that's what this situation would be. NO NO NO NO NO.
I spent 5 months taking care of my parents. I own my business and they live in another state. I'm lucky that I didn't get the pressure to move in they aren't like that, but there was pressure to come A LOT. As financially well off as they are I ate that 5 months, the expenses, and loss of income. My sister did the same, she ended up quite ill it was too much for her. You gotta take care of you, you gotta live YOUR life just like your parents lived THEIRS. Helping ok, moving hell no.
Find your voice. NO MEANS NO. There is no discussion, why are you discussing it? that's your mistake. The next time they bring it up say it once nicely, then say the second time in a manner in which they understand "NO F'ING WAY". I wouldn't blame this on your husband. That just leaves the door open for discussion.
Its one thing to help, its another thing to sell your life as you know it and that's what this situation would be. NO NO NO NO NO.
I spent 5 months taking care of my parents. I own my business and they live in another state. I'm lucky that I didn't get the pressure to move in they aren't like that, but there was pressure to come A LOT. As financially well off as they are I ate that 5 months, the expenses, and loss of income. My sister did the same, she ended up quite ill it was too much for her. You gotta take care of you, you gotta live YOUR life just like your parents lived THEIRS. Helping ok, moving hell no.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
It may help to keep in mind that it is not you, his loving daughter
that he wants to have close to him so much, but that you are simply
a preferred method for him to retain control in his soon to be
changing life.
that he wants to have close to him so much, but that you are simply
a preferred method for him to retain control in his soon to be
changing life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by redatlanta
I can relate somewhat. My parents have been ill for 3 years. My dad is demanding, controlling, his way or the highway. He is also loving, and a good dad. First things first....never, under any circumstance move in with them. Period. Lose this fear about ending up taking care of him. They are financially in a position to make the decisions that some people can't! its best for them to remain independent - its best for them to move somewhere that will encourage their independence rather than have them become dependent on a family member. My parents also financially are well off. THAT'S WHAT ITS FOR.
Find your voice. NO MEANS NO. There is no discussion, why are you discussing it? that's your mistake. The next time they bring it up say it once nicely, then say the second time in a manner in which they understand "NO F'ING WAY". I wouldn't blame this on your husband. That just leaves the door open for discussion.
Its one thing to help, its another thing to sell your life as you know it and that's what this situation would be. NO NO NO NO NO.
I spent 5 months taking care of my parents. I own my business and they live in another state. I'm lucky that I didn't get the pressure to move in they aren't like that, but there was pressure to come A LOT. As financially well off as they are I ate that 5 months, the expenses, and loss of income. My sister did the same, she ended up quite ill it was too much for her. You gotta take care of you, you gotta live YOUR life just like your parents lived THEIRS. Helping ok, moving hell no.
Find your voice. NO MEANS NO. There is no discussion, why are you discussing it? that's your mistake. The next time they bring it up say it once nicely, then say the second time in a manner in which they understand "NO F'ING WAY". I wouldn't blame this on your husband. That just leaves the door open for discussion.
Its one thing to help, its another thing to sell your life as you know it and that's what this situation would be. NO NO NO NO NO.
I spent 5 months taking care of my parents. I own my business and they live in another state. I'm lucky that I didn't get the pressure to move in they aren't like that, but there was pressure to come A LOT. As financially well off as they are I ate that 5 months, the expenses, and loss of income. My sister did the same, she ended up quite ill it was too much for her. You gotta take care of you, you gotta live YOUR life just like your parents lived THEIRS. Helping ok, moving hell no.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Wow, they're a very entitled bunch, huh!! They have the means to take care of themselves (live-in care or assisted living) but have too much pride to do so. And how presumptuous that one of you would sign up for that!! I can't even imagine the Hell you would be in. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction!
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