Once you finally join a forum
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Once you finally join a forum
I was thinking about this today. This really isn't my first forum , but why did I take that initial step to join a forum?
I was feeling alone. I was feeling that things weren't right, but I was already so isolated that I couldn't talk to friends or family. My phone was being watched. My calls were being listened to. I couldn't even hide in the garage to make a phone call, he was right there with me to listen to everything that I said. All my phone calls were tracked, and I had to explain all of them. I lived like a prisoner in my own home.
I am older then most of the newcomers. You've had internet. I only had internet since 2000.
First thing I found out on the internet was that I better get myself to an oncologist. I had 2 cancers, I still didn't want to go because I thought dying would be the easiest way to get out of my relationship.
I went, and I lived through stage 3 b cancer.
When I started to feel somewhat better, I googled how someone can yell and scream at someone and fall asleep within minutes. It came up with domestic abuse.
I joined a domestic abuse forum then, that was in 2004.
Why?
I needed to talk to people. I needed validation. I needed to talk to people that didn't scream, yell, curse at me, and call me names.
My ex was the perfect partner when we were in mixed company. No one believed me about how he was otherwise.
I thought I was crazy. I was getting crazy. I knew what I knew, and I started to fight back. That made things even worse .
So, I was just thinking about this tonight, I don't know what I want to say with this. I was afraid, confused, and people I never met talked to me and helped me.
I think sometimes people may think, well, if you got out of that then why are you still here? Is it vengeance, no, it's not.
I had wonderful people who offered me their place so that I could leave. I lived with them for 2 1/2 years. I stay here for "paying it forward".
I never want anyone to feel that they have no one to talk to. I never want someone to isolate themselves the way I did. I couldn't even walk to my mailbox to get the mail because I felt I was being judged.
I just strongly believe that no matter what you are going through that you need someone who is non judgemental to talk to. You will do what you are going to do, and guess what? that's OK. I think what most people really just need is to be able to talk about things and make up their own minds.
I remember being in an abusive relationship, and I wasn't allowed to have my own thoughts, my own opinions, my own views.
I was a basket case when I finally found a forum that I could talk to.
I really am sorry that this is so long. It is just all of my thoughts that came to me when I first joined a forum.
It was 20 years married that my ex first started to hit me.
Oh, but I forgot about the time that he threw me to the floor and kicked me in the ribs. I forgot about the time he was drinking bottled beer and throwing them at the floor near my feet, I forgot about the time that I was having his baby. We were at Birthday Party in Ny, and my water broke, and he was drunk, and he cursed at me the whole time back till we got to NJ, then he went to sleep while I was in labor, and I woke him up when I knew we needed to go to the hospital. (Sorry, got carried away with that)
I appreciate the long post that newbies post. It's like a long vent of what they have been going through, and what actually led them to ask sometimes for just someone to talk to.
OK, after my rant, back to the title.
Once you join a forum, you found a new family. That is what I found. The forum will stand with you, if you get crazy at times, like I do at times, they will tell you.
I just know that I found a family of friends, and family here.
Thank You.
(((((((hugs))))))))
amy
I was feeling alone. I was feeling that things weren't right, but I was already so isolated that I couldn't talk to friends or family. My phone was being watched. My calls were being listened to. I couldn't even hide in the garage to make a phone call, he was right there with me to listen to everything that I said. All my phone calls were tracked, and I had to explain all of them. I lived like a prisoner in my own home.
I am older then most of the newcomers. You've had internet. I only had internet since 2000.
First thing I found out on the internet was that I better get myself to an oncologist. I had 2 cancers, I still didn't want to go because I thought dying would be the easiest way to get out of my relationship.
I went, and I lived through stage 3 b cancer.
When I started to feel somewhat better, I googled how someone can yell and scream at someone and fall asleep within minutes. It came up with domestic abuse.
I joined a domestic abuse forum then, that was in 2004.
Why?
I needed to talk to people. I needed validation. I needed to talk to people that didn't scream, yell, curse at me, and call me names.
My ex was the perfect partner when we were in mixed company. No one believed me about how he was otherwise.
I thought I was crazy. I was getting crazy. I knew what I knew, and I started to fight back. That made things even worse .
So, I was just thinking about this tonight, I don't know what I want to say with this. I was afraid, confused, and people I never met talked to me and helped me.
I think sometimes people may think, well, if you got out of that then why are you still here? Is it vengeance, no, it's not.
I had wonderful people who offered me their place so that I could leave. I lived with them for 2 1/2 years. I stay here for "paying it forward".
I never want anyone to feel that they have no one to talk to. I never want someone to isolate themselves the way I did. I couldn't even walk to my mailbox to get the mail because I felt I was being judged.
I just strongly believe that no matter what you are going through that you need someone who is non judgemental to talk to. You will do what you are going to do, and guess what? that's OK. I think what most people really just need is to be able to talk about things and make up their own minds.
I remember being in an abusive relationship, and I wasn't allowed to have my own thoughts, my own opinions, my own views.
I was a basket case when I finally found a forum that I could talk to.
I really am sorry that this is so long. It is just all of my thoughts that came to me when I first joined a forum.
It was 20 years married that my ex first started to hit me.
Oh, but I forgot about the time that he threw me to the floor and kicked me in the ribs. I forgot about the time he was drinking bottled beer and throwing them at the floor near my feet, I forgot about the time that I was having his baby. We were at Birthday Party in Ny, and my water broke, and he was drunk, and he cursed at me the whole time back till we got to NJ, then he went to sleep while I was in labor, and I woke him up when I knew we needed to go to the hospital. (Sorry, got carried away with that)
I appreciate the long post that newbies post. It's like a long vent of what they have been going through, and what actually led them to ask sometimes for just someone to talk to.
OK, after my rant, back to the title.
Once you join a forum, you found a new family. That is what I found. The forum will stand with you, if you get crazy at times, like I do at times, they will tell you.
I just know that I found a family of friends, and family here.
Thank You.
(((((((hugs))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
This forum, and one other... saved my life.. and my sanity. SR because of my (x)AH and the other because of my (then) toxic in laws( thankfully now XILs)
When I first got here I was scared, lost and alone. I was neck... no.. forehead deep in my codependence, drowning in the confusion and shame. I was still of the mindset that I could fix and/or influence my husband's recovery.
When people here suggested I leave his sobriety to him, I was appalled and annoyed! I came here looking for answers on how I could HELP him... how DARE they suggest I leave him to his own devices... don't they know he is alcoholic and can not look after himself!?!? He is different! I am different! Our relationship and situation is different!... we have a special LOVE different from most people!.... yes him and I were special snowflakes alright....
The things I learned here gave me the strength to stand up for me. I read the posts, I read the suggested readings/books. I read and read and read and read. And cried and cried and cried and cried. I did not post very much at all , but I always read, and I learned and grew and transformed.
My geographical location, at the time I was living in alcoholic/codependent hell, prevented me from attending alanon. Sober Recovery WAS my meeting, even tho I rarely used my voice, I absorbed all that I read here, and what was suggested that I read. I applied what I learned to my reality and my world began to change. It hurt like hell, growth usually does, but those growing pains turned me into who I am today. I am a strong,confident, happy woman in a respectful romantic relationship and I am EVER so thankful to ALL the people here at Sober Recovery who aided me in the process of me refinding my true self.
When I come here now it is a different capacity, as I am no longer married to my qualifier, but I still feel strength, compassion and love every single time I visit, even though I am am virtually an "unknown" with my limited posts.
Like Amy55 said... friends and family... THANK YOU
When I first got here I was scared, lost and alone. I was neck... no.. forehead deep in my codependence, drowning in the confusion and shame. I was still of the mindset that I could fix and/or influence my husband's recovery.
When people here suggested I leave his sobriety to him, I was appalled and annoyed! I came here looking for answers on how I could HELP him... how DARE they suggest I leave him to his own devices... don't they know he is alcoholic and can not look after himself!?!? He is different! I am different! Our relationship and situation is different!... we have a special LOVE different from most people!.... yes him and I were special snowflakes alright....
The things I learned here gave me the strength to stand up for me. I read the posts, I read the suggested readings/books. I read and read and read and read. And cried and cried and cried and cried. I did not post very much at all , but I always read, and I learned and grew and transformed.
My geographical location, at the time I was living in alcoholic/codependent hell, prevented me from attending alanon. Sober Recovery WAS my meeting, even tho I rarely used my voice, I absorbed all that I read here, and what was suggested that I read. I applied what I learned to my reality and my world began to change. It hurt like hell, growth usually does, but those growing pains turned me into who I am today. I am a strong,confident, happy woman in a respectful romantic relationship and I am EVER so thankful to ALL the people here at Sober Recovery who aided me in the process of me refinding my true self.
When I come here now it is a different capacity, as I am no longer married to my qualifier, but I still feel strength, compassion and love every single time I visit, even though I am am virtually an "unknown" with my limited posts.
Like Amy55 said... friends and family... THANK YOU
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Thanks Amy for your fantastic post.
This isn't my main forum either, but while I'm working on my sobriety I'm still with a partner who (despite not drinking mon to thur) spends the weekends binge drinking and generally driving me mad. This forum helps me to be strong and calm about setting boundaries, and also to apply what I've learned in AA about dealing with my resentments and my anger, and my fears to my relationship with my partner of 25 years. It's all progress, not perfection, but the advice and presence of others who have been or are going through similar things to me is so, so helpful.
Thanks for sticking around to pay it forward ☺
This isn't my main forum either, but while I'm working on my sobriety I'm still with a partner who (despite not drinking mon to thur) spends the weekends binge drinking and generally driving me mad. This forum helps me to be strong and calm about setting boundaries, and also to apply what I've learned in AA about dealing with my resentments and my anger, and my fears to my relationship with my partner of 25 years. It's all progress, not perfection, but the advice and presence of others who have been or are going through similar things to me is so, so helpful.
Thanks for sticking around to pay it forward ☺
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Amy-thank you for posting this. I feel the same exact way...I joined this forum when I realized my life had become awful and I needed help. I've found friends here that helped me use my voice-and not be scared of evil people. This forum has been a sving grace and my lifeline (literally at times).
Thank you for your friendship and thanks for posting!
Thank you for your friendship and thanks for posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
[QUOTE=SmallButMighty;5884506] I am virtually an "unknown" with my limited posts.
/QUOTE]
You are not an unknown, you are a voice that spoke here. You are you, and you are terrific, don't ever forget that.
I remember the first forum that I joined. It was an abuse forum. My ex was so bad, that I didn't even feel like I fit in that forum. Did anyone ever feel embarrassed to write about their life in an abuse forum? I did. That was when I began to think I was dealing with someone with a mental illness.
There were so many things that people told me that I didn't want to believe, I still filed those in the back of my mind. What happened to me is that the front of my mind disappeared, and I only had the back of my mind left. All those things that were said to me was useful.
The first forum I joined, I was able to erase the cookies, and the history. It was freedom for me to be able to talk to "normal" people. I then went further and called the DV line. I thought if I could call that line while I was hiding in the garage on verizon after 9 pm that it would not show up. It does show up. My ex never questioned me about it because he knew he was abusive.
I just felt so free to express myself on a forum. I could talk, be listened to, be heard. It meant the world to me. I wasn't alone anymore.
I am sorry about the rant that I got into in my initial post. About the birth of my child. I was thinking about deleting that, but I never told anyone about that, and I just wanted to write it down , and then just leave it alone.
We can actually do that here, and no one thinks any of the worse about you for it.
If anyone is out there lurking, and feeling unsure, please join us. It is really so freeing, and so validating, to talk to others that are going through the same thing that you are, or who have gone through the things you are dealing with.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
/QUOTE]
You are not an unknown, you are a voice that spoke here. You are you, and you are terrific, don't ever forget that.
I remember the first forum that I joined. It was an abuse forum. My ex was so bad, that I didn't even feel like I fit in that forum. Did anyone ever feel embarrassed to write about their life in an abuse forum? I did. That was when I began to think I was dealing with someone with a mental illness.
There were so many things that people told me that I didn't want to believe, I still filed those in the back of my mind. What happened to me is that the front of my mind disappeared, and I only had the back of my mind left. All those things that were said to me was useful.
The first forum I joined, I was able to erase the cookies, and the history. It was freedom for me to be able to talk to "normal" people. I then went further and called the DV line. I thought if I could call that line while I was hiding in the garage on verizon after 9 pm that it would not show up. It does show up. My ex never questioned me about it because he knew he was abusive.
I just felt so free to express myself on a forum. I could talk, be listened to, be heard. It meant the world to me. I wasn't alone anymore.
I am sorry about the rant that I got into in my initial post. About the birth of my child. I was thinking about deleting that, but I never told anyone about that, and I just wanted to write it down , and then just leave it alone.
We can actually do that here, and no one thinks any of the worse about you for it.
If anyone is out there lurking, and feeling unsure, please join us. It is really so freeing, and so validating, to talk to others that are going through the same thing that you are, or who have gone through the things you are dealing with.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Amy, I appreciate all that you have shared. It is our heartfelt sharing , our NEED to share, that helps us all heal, individually and as a group, both as sharer and listener. I am so thankful for your shares.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by amy55 
I needed to talk to people. I needed validation. I needed to talk to people that didn't scream, yell, curse at me, and call me names.
...
I just strongly believe that no matter what you are going through that you need someone who is non judgemental to talk to. You will do what you are going to do, and guess what? that's OK. I think what most people really just need is to be able to talk about things and make up their own minds.
I remember being in an abusive relationship, and I wasn't allowed to have my own thoughts, my own opinions, my own views.
I was a basket case when I finally found a forum that I could talk to.
...
I just strongly believe that no matter what you are going through that you need someone who is non judgemental to talk to. You will do what you are going to do, and guess what? that's OK. I think what most people really just need is to be able to talk about things and make up their own minds.
I remember being in an abusive relationship, and I wasn't allowed to have my own thoughts, my own opinions, my own views.
I was a basket case when I finally found a forum that I could talk to.
Originally Posted by amy55
Once you join a forum, you found a new family. That is what I found. The forum will stand with you, if you get crazy at times, like I do at times, they will tell you.
I just know that I found a family of friends, and family here.
Thank You.
(((((((hugs))))))))
amy
I just know that I found a family of friends, and family here.
Thank You.
(((((((hugs))))))))
amy
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