healthyagain

"So you thought you’d finally met the woman or man of your dreams. Sure, they came on a little strong at first. The compliments seemed a bit excessive and even premature. Ignoring that nagging voice in your head, the relationship developed at a fast pace, faster than most of your other relationships and friendships."

So, we met online. And, there was an "instant" connection. I asked and asked myself many times, Why him of all the people in the world? At that time, he seemed genuinely interested in me. He was sending me gifts, writing looong emails, chatting for hours.

I was reading an article this evening:

Relationship Stages with a Narcissist or Borderline and Triangulation

It makes some pretty good points. Now, I do not consider my ex a narcissist, but I can recognize many many things here.

I'm so happy he is gone. Oh I am so grateful.

And this part:

"Relationships with narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, sociopaths — whatever the DSM classification may be — begin in reverse. Meaning the relationship starts with a really intense, decadent dessert, and by the relationship’s end you’re dumpster diving for the measliest scraps of sustenance. A relationship between two emotionally mature individuals with boundaries and healthy senses of self develops steadily over time and builds up to dessert after pesky little things like friendship, intimacy and trust have been established.

Not so with narcissists and other emotional predators and con artists. They’re like the stereotypical used car salesmen or saleswomen of relationships. For example:

Well hello there, Carl/Connie Codependent, do I have a deal for you today! Only someone as smart, savvy, sophisticated, cultured, traveled, intuitive, honest, loving, handsome, beautiful, sexy, talented, blah, blah, blah as you can see what a GREAT opportunity this is. And because you’re soooooo special to me, I’m going to offer this deal to you and only you (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Your life will never be the same if you hitch your wagon to my star. Together we’ll create crazy works of genius! What do you mean it sounds too good to be true? I thought you were more intelligent than that? It’s okay, I forgive you for doubting my motives. Now, I’ll just need you to sign here, here and here. Don’t worry about that, it’s just the fine print. Yes, and the devil is in the details."

Yep, that is how it started. It seems that alcoholism was only a cherry on top.

Liveitwell

^ yep.

amy55

Most times I am 99.99% sure that my ex has a borderline personality disorder. I'm not a psychiatrist, so I can't diagnose anyone.

I just think many of us stayed too long, because we were trying to diagnose things. I know I did. This was because we would be able to excuse some of the behavior, and also to excuse ourselves for putting up with that BS.

I don't think that way anymore. If I ever have to sit down and try to figure out why someone is abusive to me anymore, and I don't run away from it , then I really do need mental health for myself.

(((((hugs)))))
amy

amy55

You know, my thoughts on all of this, and I was living with my ex for 25 years, we are always trying to look for excuse or reasons for why they behave the way they do. We want to stay married, we don't want to believe or hear about abuse.

We want to live in this fantasy of growing old together. Sometimes that doesn't happen. I think that if it happened to you, that you were having a happy life, then you wouldn't be on this forum.

I totally agree with healthyagain. There could be a mental problem, but that is even harder to deal with then an alcohol problem, 2 different things. Could be the same core of the thing, but still 2 different things to deal with.

amy

healthyagain

I do not know if I was trying to look for an excuse. If I ever was, it was more like "he had a rough day," "his boss was mean to him," "his family treats him bad." Those excuses just came naturally to me. But I never, never until I was ready to leave blamed it on him. I never thought, "Maybe he has a history? Maybe it is him!" I just find it fascinating! How blind can one be? I admit I was in a huge denial, but finding out after a decade of marriage that he had DTs 15 years ago, that he spent weeks in a hospital back then, that he was not laid off for the reasons he said . . . It was all a big fat lie! And he dared to criticize me because the dishes were not lined up properly or the food was not salty enough? Criticize is not a word strong enough.


I do like to be aware, I do like to have these AHA! moments. I would love to date again one day, to trust people, but I so do not want to repeat the same pattern.

Liveitwell

Healthy-I feel ya. I too do not want to repeat the same mistakes and missing huge red flags. Mine lied and was abusive and had no empathy-unless I was about to leave and then he felt bad (I think only bc he was not ok with me telling people what was really going on). I too got blamed for not putting the dishes on the correct side of the sink and putting the toilet paper on the holder (usually screamed at after me confronting him about something awful he did). Truly an evil experience that I know I will not repeat.

Healthy, once your eyes are open , they are open. You sound very firm in your resolve and I know you're healthier now. Regardless of what IT was (and I spent years trying to figure it out), it was not okay.

I'm glad you are out.

Berrybean

This sends a shiver down my spine. An old friend of mine, a close one, met a man just after Christmas (Jan 2016) and he was straight away pulling out all the stops. Before she got together with him she even used to call him her 'stalker' - laughingly, but reading often on these forums I hear too often how something that almost seemed like a joke ended taking a sinister or more serious turn. Anyway, come February and she announces that they're engaged and going to get married at the end of summer this year. He just seems tooooo smooth, says ALL the right things, goes the extra marathon with everything. Call me a cynic, but I'm really worried for her. Not that she'll listen to anyone anyway, so I'm keeping quiet and listening and watching closely. But that description of the start of the relationship couldn't have been more spot on. ��

dandylion

Beccybean....I can understand your misgivings about your friend's situation.

My experience has taught me that she probably won't "hear" a word that you say (or, might say).
When a person is caught up in the good feelings that the cascade of hormones of early attraction brings on...they are probably as blind as they will ever be....

Do I think that a good friend has the right to tell the truth about their opinion....yes. But, just expect your opinion to be met with mixed results....
Most of the time, it just runs off like water off a duck's back.....

The newly "in love" live on their own special planet.....

Now, Dandylion is not against "love". It is a lovely experience.....
Mother Nature, herself, built it into our biology so that the species could endure.....
I just think that rushing blindly toward commitment is very dangerous....

I hope the best for your friend, as I can tell that you do, also....
It may be that you will just have to be there for her if or when she falls....sigh.....

dandylion

Berrybean

Yes, Dandelion. Another friend of hers (who she listens to more readily than me it seems USUALLY ) already told her what he is thought of the situation and plans. As you predict, it fell on completely deaf ears. Regarding the predicament of whether I should say anything or not, I have decided 'not '. This being because she won't hear me any more than she heard her other friend at the moment. Also, if she does have misgivings about it herself, I would rather her feel she can talk to me about it without risk of I-told-you-so's. She is wrapped up in him and the romance of it all at the moment and I see little of her face to face at the moment. All I can do is hope things do work out and be there for her if it doesn't.

My latest concern in that HIS family and close friends have told great to watch him where finances are concerned. The next thing I hear is that they've set up a joint account. Then, just weeks later I hear from her in passing that his own bank card has been lost, so he's been using the savings money in the joint account for his general living funds so the food money isn't there. She doesn't hear the same warning bells as I do. "Oh, but he wouldn't do anything like that to me!" is all she says about it. Hmm mm. I don't like this one bit. He's a salesman and cocksure as they come. But....this is not something in my control.

dandylion

Beccybean....Oh dear! But, you are right....it is out of your control.....

Curlyq268

Healthy - Thank you SO much for this. This is exactly what I needed today. I've had no contact with my EXBFA for four months. Despite my extreme anger for him the past few weeks, today I was feeling and mourning the hole that he left in my life. I was mourning the loss of someone I considered my best friend. Reading this article, I had too many AHA! moments. It was just what I needed today - a swift kick in the face to throw the reality of the last 6 years back in my face. Deep breath. And to continue on with my day. Hugs to all for a beautiful day!

TimeForMe

Woah. The original post is like a punch in the gut. It describes every major relationship I've had. What an eye-opener. Thank you for posting it.

Guess I've got some more work to do...