alcoholics wife

I met my AH 8 years ago. He will be headed into rehab later this month which is great. I want to be able to be supportive of his recovery process afterwards when he comes out from rehab.
We live in the city and are accustomed to seeing signs that will trigger cravings of alcohol everywhere (restaurants, bars etc). Usually for our date nights we would go to a nice restaurant and enjoy some cocktails with our food (although I'm not an alcoholic, I do enjoy a couple glasses of a nice wine once in a while). Now I need to think of new ideas to do together that doesn't involve alcohol and it's tough. We are planning a vacation (and usually all our vacations involve relaxation and drinks by the pool or beach). I understand how alcohol can be used to kill boredom. Now I want to plan readjusting our lives to no alcohol and would like to welcome ideas to do with your spouse on a Friday night?

Liveitwell

Great news for your husband! While this is a great thing, I would caution you to not take this on as yours....it's not on you to set up an alcohol free life and deal with triggers. That is on HIM. Sure it would be supportive to not drink around him....yes. But he will have to make the decision to not drink, regardless of what you do or don't do.

There's a saying around here that you need to stay on your side of the street. It's true! You can best support him by taking care of yourself....first. The marriage will have to come second to his sibriety. It's not yours to manage! (I say this with empathy and the utmost respect and support bc I have been there and tried my best to set up alcohol free time with my ex but to no avail-it wasn't mine to manage!!)

Turtle76

Hi AW. I agree with FOG. It is not up to you to set up things for you and ur hubby to do after rehab. You might want to actually take this time to figure out what you would like to do with your time. I thought along the same lines as you when my RABF was heading to rehab and before he returned home. The reality is that he will need alot of space after rehab. Its not to say you wont still do things together, but the more space you give each other, the better. I know everyone says it, but it really is true... it is time for You to work on You, and Him to work on Him. Really take this oppurtunity, because it is truly a gift, to work on your recovery.

I am only going to speak from personal experience here, and im not saying this is your situation, but this is my experience. You mentioned that you found it hard to think of things to do without alcohol. I felt the same way. I was definitely a "drinking buddy" for RABF. Actually, when I realized we were going to have an alcohol free home, it scared me. Then, the fact that I was scared to go without alcohol scared me even more. I am not sure yet if I personally identify as alcoholic. But i am exploring my relationship with alcohol. I am finding it wasn't a healthy relationship and I am better off without it. I currently have not had a drink in over 9 weeks. Just my experience.

I wish you all the best in this journey. It has its ups and downs, but this truly is an opportunity. Really take this time for yourself. 🐢

AnvilheadII

he hasn't even made it TO rehab yet, so try not to get too far ahead of yourself here! and remember the WORLD isn't go to treatment to better deal with HIM, he is going to treatment to learn to better deal with the world. you don't need to ORCHESTRATE an alcohol free, trigger free life FOR HIM. he is going to have to figure that all out for himself.

will things be different? yes, but not at all in the ways you think. if he is serious, his sobriety will be #1 and he will get actively involved in a sober program and be off to meetings, or gatherings or groups. he is also going to need to time adjust - getting sober isn't like buying new shoes......you don't just go get yourself a box of sober and bring it home and put it on. he'll be off physically, mentally, emotionally. he may be crabby, touchy, moody. he may become withdrawn.

and he may falter and relapse. and all your worry about where to go have a nice dinner will be for naught.

take things slowly. stay on your side of the street.

dandylion

alcoholic's wife.....I know that it really IS difficult to find alcohol free activities that you BOTH enjoy....an a Friday night....

It does matter what your geographic location is, also...and what season or w
weather conditions of your location....
Whether you li ve in a large city...with a large an diverse population.....or a smaller city or a town.....

It may be that you both will have to go back to the drawingboard and make changes in the ways you seek entertainment and socialization......
That is not exactly easy to do, at first---but, it I absolutely doable.....
You do have to be willing to have an open mind and be willing to do new things....

I will make a couple of suggestions, off the top of my head.....
You can go to a movie....and, then go to a coffee shop....or dunkin doughnuts, after for coffee and conversation.....
You can invite another couple or a few people to bring a covered dish,,and play scrabble or board games.....
You can go bowling or play mini-golf.....
You can go to crackerbarrel....it is not know for alcohol consumption,,,,,,,
You can go to an outdoor concert or some kind of musical event.....
....or...a ballgame

You might join a community theater group,,,,you can just volunteer to help in the many jobs that need to be done....it is loads of fun.....and there is always something going o n....

You can drive out of town and go camping...
You can join a hiking club.....

Just a few things that I can think of.....

dandylion

alcoholics wife

Thanks all for the replies. Yes I do agree that it's not my duty to orchestrate sober free activities. I'm a planner by nature and in our relationship I tend to plan what we do on weekends, vacations, which restaurants we go to etc. I certainly have my own life that I do without my husband, I'm very active. I just think that being able to spend time with my husband in my our busy schedules is necessary for a marriage and just not sure what it may entail. I've never been with my husband non-sober. Not sure if we would even have fun together anymore.

Liveitwell

^ I am a planner by nature as well but going through all of this has taught me my plans arebt worth crap at times before finding what you both can do together, he's going to have to find himself without drinking....then the marriage comes. He has to learn how to live sober first. I agree with anvil/don't get ahead of yourself with worry-many an alcohoic has had plans that don't ever pan out. Their follow through is not the best. Maybe he won't even stay in rehab?! I'm not saying this is the case but regardless of what he does, you do your thing/and it sounds like you are!

Many hugs to you!

SmallButMighty

The only activity a recovering alcoholic can not partake in is: drinking alcohol.

Take the alcohol out of any situation or activity and enjoy the reality of whatever it is you are getting up to.

I do understand your fear of, "what will we do now that we aren't drinking together?" and the "will we even be the same people and like each other?" I went through that stage with my XAH when he was trying to sober up. We simply kept living our same lives minus booze. It was different at first but we adjusted...for a while anyways. (Unfortunately my XAH never managed to slay his demons, hence the X)

Best of luck to you and your husband on your recoveries.

MIRecovery

We have to own our sobriety. You may wish to sit down together and each of you come up with 10 things to that don't involve alcohol then throw away your list and use his. He got himself into pickle he's in and it is his responsibility to come up with the game plan.

You say you are the planner but to me it sounds like you are the fixer. Trying to fix alcoholics is a hopeless task until they want to get fixed.

Hopefully he did the research on the rehab because if you drove the decision he will likely be resentful and will blame you for everything that goes wrong.

I would highly recommend going to ALANON to learn about codependency and to break out of the twisted dance that develops over the years.

My wife is supportive of my sobriety but I am 100% in charge of it. The one thing she does do that I'm grateful for is kicking my butt out the door when I'm whining and crying about going to an AA meeting after an 11 hour day

dandylion

alcoholic's wife.....I understand where you are coming from.....I agree with you, wholeheartedly, that it is I mportant for a couple to do activities together....as a couple....at least an occasional date night, for Pete's sake.....
As a matter of fact, that is one of the things that keeps an already healthy marriage strong and healthy...

Personally, I don't thin that it matters who plans what...as long as the couple is comfortable with how you work that out....
Of course, I'm not saying for wither of you to "dictate" to the other....
I think that th is an issue of mutuality.....

Of course...you will have to play it by ear, after he comes home...and you two will h ave to talk to each other about it.....and, take on the challenges, together....with all factors taken into consideration.....
That is the way it works in all marriages.....isn't it...?

It is true..he may feel subdued, or irritable, or afraid to "go out"....He may not be his usual self, at all....
The future is unwritten, on this....an you both will have to take it a day at a time.....

dandylion

alcoholics wife

Thanks for the feedback. I do remember my AH sober for about two month as he tried to attempt to quit cold turkey. I guess the purpose of me posting this thread is because although I felt supportive of him not drinking, I wasn't thinking of ways to support his non-drinking. Our routine was the same. I'd make plans to go out to posh restaurants I wanted to try and order myself a couple glasses of cocktails where he tried to be good and order himself non-alcoholic beers. I think back now and could only imagine how hard that must of been for him to watch his wife drinking fancy cocktails, getting happy and tipsy while he managed to stay sober on a Friday night. He fell off the sober train when I planned a summer vacation to a cabin. He somehow convinced himself that because he was able to stay sober for a couple months (according to him it was a whopping 7 months), that he wasn't a true alcoholic. Although we had fun during that summer vacation, he hasn't been able to remain sober ever since.

MIRecovery

There is nothing wrong with going out to dinner just make it alcohol free. Some of the the things my wife and I do together are the cinema, theater, woodland walks, her favorite is beating me at scrabble, shopping, we love Aruba but avoid the pool scene. We get our little cabana and bring a cooler with our favorite NA drinks and soak up the sun. We go to the dog beach on Lake Michigan in the summer time. I have developed a large social network of sober friends and she knows many of them so there are parties, dinners, boating and get togethers. She is out of town but would be going with me to brunch tomorrow with a few AA friends.

We have a dry house but I'm fine if she has wine at dinner but that is just me.

dandylion

alcoholic's wife....I think that alcoholics are generally advised to avoid high trigger situations/people/things in early recovery.....and, it would be up to his judgement on how to monitor this.....

for myself...I just gave up drinking, completely. I didn't have to....and, I wasn't asked to...but, since I am not an alcoholic (though I did do social drinking).....it was easy for me.....
My qualifier was not a spouse....but, my adult son.
Now, there were a few times, earlier on, that I would occasionally have a cocktail if I was out with friends....and, he was not staying at our house.....but, I didn't have any in the home....

I think that it just boils down to a personal decision and judgement of your own as to handle the situation.....

dandylion

jada1981

Hi AW. You've gotten some great advice. What you wrote above stuck out to me. While there may be nothing wrong with you planning everything you guys do, often, the sober spouse overfunctions in the relationship and somewhat "takes charge" of things. I know for me, this was the case. It may be a good idea to give AH some space and let him take the lead on planning some activities for you guys to do. It can be hard for us codependents to do, but giving up some of the control is important.

redatlanta

I think you are asking normal questions. When he returns from rehab, if he is committed, you are getting a new person. If what you did was all about alcohol, then it didn't really matter what you did. Yes, I understand that you enjoyed the posh restaurant, and dance of cocktails with a wonderful dinner. But it sounds like boozing it up and doing whatever you did when buzzed was the entertainment.

The answer here is you do the same, just no more booze. I would probably suggest not returning to "your" spot if you had one, or changing it up so that "build up" isn't reflective of the old days. Its important to change people, places and things when staying sober - and I will add in routine. Instead of the posh restaurant, try something else. Instead of an evening at the bar with cocktails before dinner and a 4 course meal - go for dinner and a movie. Dinner and some other activity. Go for a drive, got to the spa, join a gym, join a club that caters to your common interests.

I was not alcoholic my husband was recovered when we moved in together. Drinks and a posh restaurant was normal for me. Boring for him. Not that he didn't enjoy a great meal, but the whole "catch a buzz" thing, or a spectacular bottle of wine stretches the night out. When you are not drinking the dinner goes pretty fast lol!!