Trouble moving on from alcoholic ex-bf
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 1
Trouble moving on from alcoholic ex-bf
Hello everyone,
I was involved in a relationship with a "high functioning" alcoholic for four years up until September. It was a very unhealthy, co-dependent relationship that I logically know was not good for me, but I still miss him terribly.
There were things I loved about him, he was very hard working, and successful in his career. He was my best friend, and always told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. But, the reality was that I enabled his addiction because I was worried more about the consequences of his behavior than he was (like keeping his car keys from him and changing his work email password every week so that he couldn't log on to his email and communicate with clients while drunk). He would work very hard during the week, and his excuse was that on the weekends he needed to release stress and accomplished that by binge drinking. Many weekends were spent with him drinking from Friday night until early Sunday morning, and I'd basically be his caretaker on Sunday...
He has also done many horrible things to me while drinking, like being verbally abusive, putting his hands on me aggressively, and abandoning me several times at various bars/clubs. Eventually I stopped getting angry/encouraging him to stop drinking and accepted his addiction.
Writing that out makes me feel ridiculous for missing him, but I still feel so depressed about it. We broke up due to him cheating on me after an argument (he was highly charismatic and good looking - dating was never a problem for him.) I should have left him a long time ago, but he made me feel like he really loved me and really needed me in his life. I guess I wasn't making myself or my happiness much a priority after a certain point.
I guess I just don't know what to do about how I feel about this. We have been broken up for 7 months now, and I stopped speaking to him in January because he was using me for sex while dating other women. Everyone around me is ecstatic that I am no longer with him, but I am not, and I don't know why. I am constantly afraid to see him out around town on weekends with another girl (or "replacement"). I am trying to go out on dates with other men but my confidence is abysmal right now. I feel lost, and I am not sure how to move on. I feel pathetic! And lonely. What is my problem?
I was involved in a relationship with a "high functioning" alcoholic for four years up until September. It was a very unhealthy, co-dependent relationship that I logically know was not good for me, but I still miss him terribly.
There were things I loved about him, he was very hard working, and successful in his career. He was my best friend, and always told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. But, the reality was that I enabled his addiction because I was worried more about the consequences of his behavior than he was (like keeping his car keys from him and changing his work email password every week so that he couldn't log on to his email and communicate with clients while drunk). He would work very hard during the week, and his excuse was that on the weekends he needed to release stress and accomplished that by binge drinking. Many weekends were spent with him drinking from Friday night until early Sunday morning, and I'd basically be his caretaker on Sunday...
He has also done many horrible things to me while drinking, like being verbally abusive, putting his hands on me aggressively, and abandoning me several times at various bars/clubs. Eventually I stopped getting angry/encouraging him to stop drinking and accepted his addiction.
Writing that out makes me feel ridiculous for missing him, but I still feel so depressed about it. We broke up due to him cheating on me after an argument (he was highly charismatic and good looking - dating was never a problem for him.) I should have left him a long time ago, but he made me feel like he really loved me and really needed me in his life. I guess I wasn't making myself or my happiness much a priority after a certain point.
I guess I just don't know what to do about how I feel about this. We have been broken up for 7 months now, and I stopped speaking to him in January because he was using me for sex while dating other women. Everyone around me is ecstatic that I am no longer with him, but I am not, and I don't know why. I am constantly afraid to see him out around town on weekends with another girl (or "replacement"). I am trying to go out on dates with other men but my confidence is abysmal right now. I feel lost, and I am not sure how to move on. I feel pathetic! And lonely. What is my problem?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
There's nothing wrong with you. You're not pathetic. You're grieving. Feeling lonely, sad, hurt and anxious is kind of to be expected in the grieving process, even if you understand that it was horrible relationship.
Technically speaking, if up until January, you were still seeing him occasionally and having sex, your head may think of the break up as occurring 7 months ago, but there was still some connection between the two of you up until 3 months ago and that's fairly recent. May I gently point out that if you're grieving the recent loss of a relationship, and if you just don't have the confidence to date, it may be best to honor your need for time before jumping into the dating scene? That definitely doesn't mean you have to be a hermit. Getting out with friends and family could help counteract the feelings of loneliness without putting pressure on yourself about dating.
It takes time. Please be gentle with yourself.
Technically speaking, if up until January, you were still seeing him occasionally and having sex, your head may think of the break up as occurring 7 months ago, but there was still some connection between the two of you up until 3 months ago and that's fairly recent. May I gently point out that if you're grieving the recent loss of a relationship, and if you just don't have the confidence to date, it may be best to honor your need for time before jumping into the dating scene? That definitely doesn't mean you have to be a hermit. Getting out with friends and family could help counteract the feelings of loneliness without putting pressure on yourself about dating.
It takes time. Please be gentle with yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Instead of looking for another relationship to replace this one, maybe spend some time building a healthier relationship with yourself. Your entire post was about him. I don't much care about him, he sounds like a real piece of work. I would much rather hear about you.
It sounds like a great deal of your sense of self-worth came from him. As long as he needed you, your identity was secure. You need yourself as much if not more than others do, but you put someone else's needs and moods and problems before your own for a long time. I know this because I was raised to do the exact same thing and to look at it as noble and admirable and desirable in a relationship. And that having a relationship with someone else was the only thing that mattered.
Eventually I grew so weary of putting others' needs before my own and never having my generosity reciprocated that I was forced to challenge the very ideas that I had thusfar allowed to define me. When I was able to do that, I was able to understand that all of those things I had been seeking in others (and constantly being disappointed) -- love, security, a sense of worth and value -- all of those things could only really ever come from me. And until I learned to respect and love myself, I would continue to be disappointed in relationships that couldn't fill that hole.
I spent a lot of time in therapy building a self-esteem that is pretty unshakable now. I don't think too hard about boundaries anymore because they come naturally to me. I can still give of myself, but I no longer do it with the expectation that I am then owed something for my effort. And I've found a very healthy relationship with someone who is not an addict, for the first time in my life.
You can get to a better place; you're already on your way. It will take time. While that's doing it's job, focus on taking care of yourself first and foremost. You won't regret it.
It sounds like a great deal of your sense of self-worth came from him. As long as he needed you, your identity was secure. You need yourself as much if not more than others do, but you put someone else's needs and moods and problems before your own for a long time. I know this because I was raised to do the exact same thing and to look at it as noble and admirable and desirable in a relationship. And that having a relationship with someone else was the only thing that mattered.
Eventually I grew so weary of putting others' needs before my own and never having my generosity reciprocated that I was forced to challenge the very ideas that I had thusfar allowed to define me. When I was able to do that, I was able to understand that all of those things I had been seeking in others (and constantly being disappointed) -- love, security, a sense of worth and value -- all of those things could only really ever come from me. And until I learned to respect and love myself, I would continue to be disappointed in relationships that couldn't fill that hole.
I spent a lot of time in therapy building a self-esteem that is pretty unshakable now. I don't think too hard about boundaries anymore because they come naturally to me. I can still give of myself, but I no longer do it with the expectation that I am then owed something for my effort. And I've found a very healthy relationship with someone who is not an addict, for the first time in my life.
You can get to a better place; you're already on your way. It will take time. While that's doing it's job, focus on taking care of yourself first and foremost. You won't regret it.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Codies mourn, addicts replace.
Respect your grieving and give yourself time. That was a lot of false hope and babysitting and energy invested in him...no wonder you're exhausted.
Time will be your friend. The days will pass and someday soon you will suddenly realize how lovely it is to have your sane life back.
Sending you a hug...
Respect your grieving and give yourself time. That was a lot of false hope and babysitting and energy invested in him...no wonder you're exhausted.
Time will be your friend. The days will pass and someday soon you will suddenly realize how lovely it is to have your sane life back.
Sending you a hug...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Oh so true...Codie's mourn and addicts replace. You will be ok, friend. I do promise that. If you read what you wrote again, does he sound like a nice and respectable guy ? If you had a daughter and she told you this about her boyfriend/husband, what would you say?
I think he showed you exactly who he is and even if he's wining and dining another right now, a leopard doesn't change his spots. I would not feel badly at all seeing him out-I would feel pity for the poor girl with him. I say that with empathy but truly, you've dodged a bullet.
This is not the man for you...
Hugs, and peace to you!
I think he showed you exactly who he is and even if he's wining and dining another right now, a leopard doesn't change his spots. I would not feel badly at all seeing him out-I would feel pity for the poor girl with him. I say that with empathy but truly, you've dodged a bullet.
This is not the man for you...
Hugs, and peace to you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,000
Welcome Nirasmus. I am so glad you found us and so sorry for what you are going through.
Congrats for figuring out that you needed to cut off contact. That is a great step towards being healthy and healed; however it will be painful and you will miss this guy for a good long time. I am so sorry to say so but this sort of thing just takes time. Many people stay in this type of relationship for longer than you have because the pain of leaving is so bad.
Please keep posting, take care of yourself and know we will be here for you.
Congrats for figuring out that you needed to cut off contact. That is a great step towards being healthy and healed; however it will be painful and you will miss this guy for a good long time. I am so sorry to say so but this sort of thing just takes time. Many people stay in this type of relationship for longer than you have because the pain of leaving is so bad.
Please keep posting, take care of yourself and know we will be here for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
There is something I read years ago that helped me get over a bad breakup: if you knew you were never ever going to be in another romantic relationship again, what would you do with your remaining time on earth?
I found it very useful to think in those terms, because then you really have to confront yourself and investigate what it is that motivates you in life - apart from being there for someone else. I agree with the others that now is the time to improve your relationship with yourself instead of looking for a new guy, and one way to do it is to answer that question for yourself.
Doing things you love for yourself will gradually take your mind off this traumatic relationship and boost your self esteem.
(Of course, I did eventually become involved with someone else and so will you, but itīs much healthier to relate to another person from a position of being centered in yourself instead of orbiting around someone else.)
You say you werenīt making your own happiness a priority after a certain point, now try to do just that.
I found it very useful to think in those terms, because then you really have to confront yourself and investigate what it is that motivates you in life - apart from being there for someone else. I agree with the others that now is the time to improve your relationship with yourself instead of looking for a new guy, and one way to do it is to answer that question for yourself.
Doing things you love for yourself will gradually take your mind off this traumatic relationship and boost your self esteem.
(Of course, I did eventually become involved with someone else and so will you, but itīs much healthier to relate to another person from a position of being centered in yourself instead of orbiting around someone else.)
You say you werenīt making your own happiness a priority after a certain point, now try to do just that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
We have been broken up for 7 months now, and I stopped speaking to him in January because he was using me for sex
so then you've really only been truly broken up for three months. not that long.
this guy kinda plowed right thru you life, didn't he? like a bulldozer, leaving a swatch of upheaval and destruction in his wake. all the while, doing the whole CHARMING thing, all Rico Suave. THAT my dear is what had you transfixed......the looks, the charm, the schmooze......
last year i was on a business trip and had gone for a walk in the evening and got hauled into the high end facial cream salon and this guy with his european accent, slathered this and that all over half my face, and an under eye patch for the puffiness, purring and cooing, and MAN did my face look GOOD when he was done. and i am embarrassed to admit i walked with 800 DOLLARS with of goop.
smoke and mirrors. hearing the words we want to hear, believing the hype, the PITCH. it's like living IN an infomercial.
by the way, none of the facial goop ever came close to duplicating the results IN the store. in fact i gave half of the one of the jars to a friend. lesson learned.
so then you've really only been truly broken up for three months. not that long.
this guy kinda plowed right thru you life, didn't he? like a bulldozer, leaving a swatch of upheaval and destruction in his wake. all the while, doing the whole CHARMING thing, all Rico Suave. THAT my dear is what had you transfixed......the looks, the charm, the schmooze......
last year i was on a business trip and had gone for a walk in the evening and got hauled into the high end facial cream salon and this guy with his european accent, slathered this and that all over half my face, and an under eye patch for the puffiness, purring and cooing, and MAN did my face look GOOD when he was done. and i am embarrassed to admit i walked with 800 DOLLARS with of goop.
smoke and mirrors. hearing the words we want to hear, believing the hype, the PITCH. it's like living IN an infomercial.
by the way, none of the facial goop ever came close to duplicating the results IN the store. in fact i gave half of the one of the jars to a friend. lesson learned.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by bluelily 
There is something I read years ago that helped me get over a bad breakup: if you knew you were never ever going to be in another romantic relationship again, what would you do with your remaining time on earth?
.
.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
