New & Curious: post#2
Sweet Relief
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Funtown, Florida
Posts: 12
New & Curious: post#2
Hello Hello. I posted on a Forum that wasn't as suitable as this one is, therefore I am posting again. 
Here it goes.....
Hello. I'm new to this website, so hopefully I am posting in the correct "Forum". First thing: I think this website is simply fantastic. It has genuinely confirmed many ideas and thoughts when approaching/dealing/bettering the situation/relationship that I am currently in. So, mad love to this site! It is, indeed, awesome.
So, the second thing: I have a super simple/borderline elementary question for any of you. Here it goes ... My very best friend and I have been close for three years, now. He finally discovered AA a little over three months ago and he is doing so VERY well. I don't drink -never have. It's quite funny how opposite we are. In any case... at one point in our "relationship" we were intimate, but then he upset me greatly and I gave him "the boot". I love this person dearly, but was never willing to give into his manipulative nature or BS. So, blah blah ... I am happy he is getting better. Now that he is in recovery... I've noticed that he tells me certain things ... actually.. making it an obvious point to tell me certain things such as "I love you very much and I hope one day you will realize how much I love you" or "You the only girl for me"... on and on etc etc... My question is ... just out of curiousity ... Are these things that AA encourages their members to say in the first year of a relationship?
By the way I 100% understand and agree with the First Year "suggestion"/"rule". I am simply just curious. (it's kind of cute how often he does this). Yes, you can gag now. Haha. Well, thanks for your time... whoever read this and I look forward to being participative on this board.
Good Day to You All
Here it goes.....Hello. I'm new to this website, so hopefully I am posting in the correct "Forum". First thing: I think this website is simply fantastic. It has genuinely confirmed many ideas and thoughts when approaching/dealing/bettering the situation/relationship that I am currently in. So, mad love to this site! It is, indeed, awesome.
So, the second thing: I have a super simple/borderline elementary question for any of you. Here it goes ... My very best friend and I have been close for three years, now. He finally discovered AA a little over three months ago and he is doing so VERY well. I don't drink -never have. It's quite funny how opposite we are. In any case... at one point in our "relationship" we were intimate, but then he upset me greatly and I gave him "the boot". I love this person dearly, but was never willing to give into his manipulative nature or BS. So, blah blah ... I am happy he is getting better. Now that he is in recovery... I've noticed that he tells me certain things ... actually.. making it an obvious point to tell me certain things such as "I love you very much and I hope one day you will realize how much I love you" or "You the only girl for me"... on and on etc etc... My question is ... just out of curiousity ... Are these things that AA encourages their members to say in the first year of a relationship?
By the way I 100% understand and agree with the First Year "suggestion"/"rule". I am simply just curious. (it's kind of cute how often he does this). Yes, you can gag now. Haha. Well, thanks for your time... whoever read this and I look forward to being participative on this board.
Good Day to You All
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Sweetrelief.
As far as encouraging that sort of thing, I suppose in the "making amends" step one might try to make it clear to the people they care for that they do care, if that was lacking. But my hunch is this is all his own idea.
Congrats to him, and congrats to you for taking charge of yourself and getting loose from the chaos. You sound smart enough to take it easy and slow without being nagged. But romance is giddy and fun. It can cloud our judgment. He needs time to stabilize himself before he tries to deal with a "we".... and you might, too. I'm glad you found us! (And it IS sweet. 
)
Hugs,
Smoke
As far as encouraging that sort of thing, I suppose in the "making amends" step one might try to make it clear to the people they care for that they do care, if that was lacking. But my hunch is this is all his own idea.
Congrats to him, and congrats to you for taking charge of yourself and getting loose from the chaos. You sound smart enough to take it easy and slow without being nagged. But romance is giddy and fun. It can cloud our judgment. He needs time to stabilize himself before he tries to deal with a "we".... and you might, too. I'm glad you found us! (And it IS sweet. )Hugs,
Smoke
Sweet Relief
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Funtown, Florida
Posts: 12
I am genuinely overwhelmed with happiness that I found this board, as well. I really, really am. Whoever started it ... you have done wonderful things for many people. I'll be seeing alot of everyone on here. Take care and make it a super day.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
New and Curious, Post #2
Hi Sweet,
I am also new to this site. So we can begin together. With my alcoholic, during his first year of recovery, he told me lots of lovey stuff. I didn't believe him. I'd been putting up with it for a long time and had problems accepting any type of affection from him. My alcoholic said it was coming from his heart and he wasn't told to say it. So, yeah, I feel that some of it was bull because he knew I was fed up with it all
I don't think that rehab or AA would encourage a recovering alcoholic to take their focus off of their primary cause and that is getting better. Like you said, give it a year. That's what they told my son about getting involved with anyone. He said it was because he wasn't strong enough to handle what might become a serious involvement or he wouldn't be able to take it if he was dumped and might use that as an excuse to start drinking again.
So, while he's doing well, I congratulate him and you for noticing his progress. If you have any time on your hands, you might want to think about attending f2f meetings so you can grow with him.
Gelfling
I am also new to this site. So we can begin together. With my alcoholic, during his first year of recovery, he told me lots of lovey stuff. I didn't believe him. I'd been putting up with it for a long time and had problems accepting any type of affection from him. My alcoholic said it was coming from his heart and he wasn't told to say it. So, yeah, I feel that some of it was bull because he knew I was fed up with it all
I don't think that rehab or AA would encourage a recovering alcoholic to take their focus off of their primary cause and that is getting better. Like you said, give it a year. That's what they told my son about getting involved with anyone. He said it was because he wasn't strong enough to handle what might become a serious involvement or he wouldn't be able to take it if he was dumped and might use that as an excuse to start drinking again.
So, while he's doing well, I congratulate him and you for noticing his progress. If you have any time on your hands, you might want to think about attending f2f meetings so you can grow with him.
Gelfling
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
sweet - welcome - i am fairly new to this forum but as you said - it's a wonderful, awesome place with great, supportive, friendly folks with much wisdom!
maybe al-anon or go to some open aa meetings to get some further knowledge, etc.
hugs to you and good luck - cwohio
maybe al-anon or go to some open aa meetings to get some further knowledge, etc.
hugs to you and good luck - cwohio
Sweet Relief
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Funtown, Florida
Posts: 12
Man, okay... I think he was digging for a reaction tonight which is totally not healthy for him. I am strong enough to get over this (I'm already over it... haha.. although my ass is sitting here typing about it? hmmm) .... but I don't believe he is in a good place. Or I don't believe that he is in as good of a place as I thought he was.
Just to give some brief history on our "relationship". This guy is an aspiring musician and a pretty talented one who is (IN MY OPINION) borderline obsessive about making it in the music business (hey- at least he has goals). Well, I work in the music industry. I work around LOTS of very successful (personally, spiritually, financially successful) musicians on a day to day basis. He knows this. He never has said too much in the way of it making him jealous. Don't get me wrong -he HAS said things and acted out to make it quite obvious, but nothing substansial. So, where as I know it is somewhat of an issue... I think it may a bit bigger than I thought. Or I am just being egotistical and thinking I am way more important than I actually am. LOL. I honestly didn't think about any of this until a very close friend (who has been in the AL ANON program) brought it to my attention. ANYWAY... I am getting off on a tangent.... I guess it makes him feel inadequate and such because I am always around/friends with/close with what he aspires to be in life. I guess* he thinks that I really do only look at him JUST AS A FRIEND because why would I like more than that, again... after everything he has done and when I have these rockstars all around me? WELL... I DID HOLD YOUR HAND THE OTHER NIGHT. YOU ARE IN RECOVERY. WE SHOULD NOT DEVELOP AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP AGAIN UNTIL YOU ARE MUCH STRONGER. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! !!!! this **** is driving me friggin' batty -coo coo for co-co puffs.
Ok :::mental breakdown over:::: With that *VERY* brief history ... check out what happened tonight. He went out of town last week. He got back today. He calls me tonight. Tells me about his trip. It was soooo good to hear that he experienced new scenery and new things. He hasn't seen much in his life as far as other geographical areas. So, he is telling me all the awesome things he did and I'm genuinely digging hearing about everything. Then... he goes... "yeah. and i met the girl of my dreams". And seriously... you could tell he was so waiting for me to REACT a CERTAIN way. I was floored. I was so sad. I feel sick right now typing that. Then he says "i mean i didn't get her number or anything... she was our taxi driver... had cool tattoos..." I'm like "wow. cool." Then he says how he so misses talking to me, he wants to take me to this concert and he hopes that I will go with him. And how he wants to see this other show with me and how he really hopes that we can go together.
Girls and boys... he has me so confused here. My AL ANON buddy that I mentioned earlier ... she, of course, said all of the things we know. And those things are true. But then she said "You show him close to no romantic attention... like NONE... and he wants to see if he still has a place. In his sick head ... you being jealous would equate to caring and loving him". See, the thing is... I DO NOT WANT him in that place. I want him grooving those 12 Steps... not doing crap like that to get my attention. That is ********. Then again -maybe he was being serious about the taxi cab chick.
Thoughts anyone?
Just to give some brief history on our "relationship". This guy is an aspiring musician and a pretty talented one who is (IN MY OPINION) borderline obsessive about making it in the music business (hey- at least he has goals). Well, I work in the music industry. I work around LOTS of very successful (personally, spiritually, financially successful) musicians on a day to day basis. He knows this. He never has said too much in the way of it making him jealous. Don't get me wrong -he HAS said things and acted out to make it quite obvious, but nothing substansial. So, where as I know it is somewhat of an issue... I think it may a bit bigger than I thought. Or I am just being egotistical and thinking I am way more important than I actually am. LOL. I honestly didn't think about any of this until a very close friend (who has been in the AL ANON program) brought it to my attention. ANYWAY... I am getting off on a tangent.... I guess it makes him feel inadequate and such because I am always around/friends with/close with what he aspires to be in life. I guess* he thinks that I really do only look at him JUST AS A FRIEND because why would I like more than that, again... after everything he has done and when I have these rockstars all around me? WELL... I DID HOLD YOUR HAND THE OTHER NIGHT. YOU ARE IN RECOVERY. WE SHOULD NOT DEVELOP AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP AGAIN UNTIL YOU ARE MUCH STRONGER. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! !!!! this **** is driving me friggin' batty -coo coo for co-co puffs.
Ok :::mental breakdown over:::: With that *VERY* brief history ... check out what happened tonight. He went out of town last week. He got back today. He calls me tonight. Tells me about his trip. It was soooo good to hear that he experienced new scenery and new things. He hasn't seen much in his life as far as other geographical areas. So, he is telling me all the awesome things he did and I'm genuinely digging hearing about everything. Then... he goes... "yeah. and i met the girl of my dreams". And seriously... you could tell he was so waiting for me to REACT a CERTAIN way. I was floored. I was so sad. I feel sick right now typing that. Then he says "i mean i didn't get her number or anything... she was our taxi driver... had cool tattoos..." I'm like "wow. cool." Then he says how he so misses talking to me, he wants to take me to this concert and he hopes that I will go with him. And how he wants to see this other show with me and how he really hopes that we can go together.
Girls and boys... he has me so confused here. My AL ANON buddy that I mentioned earlier ... she, of course, said all of the things we know. And those things are true. But then she said "You show him close to no romantic attention... like NONE... and he wants to see if he still has a place. In his sick head ... you being jealous would equate to caring and loving him". See, the thing is... I DO NOT WANT him in that place. I want him grooving those 12 Steps... not doing crap like that to get my attention. That is ********. Then again -maybe he was being serious about the taxi cab chick.
Thoughts anyone?
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Found the girl of his dreams?
He has a long way to go. If there is no relationship there now and you are thinking of starting things up again...
Ask yourself this... what am I willing to go through in a relationship?
Are His actions in line with what I would like?
He has a long way to go. If there is no relationship there now and you are thinking of starting things up again...
Ask yourself this... what am I willing to go through in a relationship?
Are His actions in line with what I would like?
Sweet Relief
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Funtown, Florida
Posts: 12
Some actions are. Some actions are not.
Am I really a true friend if I just say "Okay. Listen... newsflash... I am your best friend 1st, but I am in love with you... so I can't do this anymore. It hurts ME too much".
Why does he do **** like that? Is he trying to tell me that he really does ONLY want to be friends? So confused. (ahhhh. he is such a douchebag, sometimes!)
Am I really a true friend if I just say "Okay. Listen... newsflash... I am your best friend 1st, but I am in love with you... so I can't do this anymore. It hurts ME too much".
Why does he do **** like that? Is he trying to tell me that he really does ONLY want to be friends? So confused. (ahhhh. he is such a douchebag, sometimes!)
Sweet Relief
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Funtown, Florida
Posts: 12
Alexia...
many many thanks for the to the point answer you just gave. and i am going to do just what you said. keep my boundries. give him no reaction. remain a friend. question: do i tell him that i want to talk about our relationship, but keep it simple? he wrote in an email about 5 weeks ago how he wanted to talk about our "personal" relationship (opposed to the tenative business relationship we have together) but he was afraid that it would **** me off. before that statement in the email he was mentioning how "amazing" i looked (i lost 30 lbs from the last time he saw me) and was so happy to have dinner with me--(so manipulative) .
Ultimately, yes I know ... keep my boundries/don't react. Hopefully, all of you will exuse my getting off onto tangents and quasi-babbling.
many many thanks for the to the point answer you just gave. and i am going to do just what you said. keep my boundries. give him no reaction. remain a friend. question: do i tell him that i want to talk about our relationship, but keep it simple? he wrote in an email about 5 weeks ago how he wanted to talk about our "personal" relationship (opposed to the tenative business relationship we have together) but he was afraid that it would **** me off. before that statement in the email he was mentioning how "amazing" i looked (i lost 30 lbs from the last time he saw me) and was so happy to have dinner with me--(so manipulative) .
Ultimately, yes I know ... keep my boundries/don't react. Hopefully, all of you will exuse my getting off onto tangents and quasi-babbling.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Titusville, FL
Posts: 82
Getting off on tangents is why we are here. We are your sounding "board" girlfriend. Sometimes you just have to get if off your chest. So much easer to not react when you are able to blow some steam at someone else. Especially when they can relate to your situation. Keep on posting as long as it helps!
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