New here, spouse still drinking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 5
New here, spouse still drinking
I'm new here and need some advice.
I've been married 16 years to my best friend, love of my life, and now my trigger to drink. When I travel without him, I have no desire to drink and abstain for as long as I'm away. When he travels, again I don't drink at home. But as soon as we're together he will be drinking beer and I willingly partake with him. It's an every night and weekend thing. I know it's not healthy and I just want to stop.
He injured himself severely almost 2 years ago because he was extremely intoxicated, and almost died during the corrective surgery. He was wheelchair bound for 3 months, and luckily has since recovered full mobility. During the time he was immobile and recovering, I had a strict no alcohol policy and it we kept it up for another 7 months. Those 7 months were some of the happiest times of my life.
I'm not going to go into his current level because I'm focused on myself right now. I will acknowledge that at this time he does not want to stop drinking. I've asked him over and over to please not bring beer home, he agrees but then does it anyway, and I'm weak when I see him enjoying a beer. I can't avoid him at home, he will seek me out. He will not go anywhere else to drink. For months I thought if I could just get him to stop, problem solved. Ha! Now I realize that was just my justification for not taking responsibility for myself.
Should I just take my kids and leave my home for a week or 2 until I'm strong enough? It seems so drastic, would very much upset my kids, and just plain stupid that I'm so weak. Does anyone have a good coping strategy for abstaining when your spouse is not?
Thanks in advance!
I've been married 16 years to my best friend, love of my life, and now my trigger to drink. When I travel without him, I have no desire to drink and abstain for as long as I'm away. When he travels, again I don't drink at home. But as soon as we're together he will be drinking beer and I willingly partake with him. It's an every night and weekend thing. I know it's not healthy and I just want to stop.
He injured himself severely almost 2 years ago because he was extremely intoxicated, and almost died during the corrective surgery. He was wheelchair bound for 3 months, and luckily has since recovered full mobility. During the time he was immobile and recovering, I had a strict no alcohol policy and it we kept it up for another 7 months. Those 7 months were some of the happiest times of my life.
I'm not going to go into his current level because I'm focused on myself right now. I will acknowledge that at this time he does not want to stop drinking. I've asked him over and over to please not bring beer home, he agrees but then does it anyway, and I'm weak when I see him enjoying a beer. I can't avoid him at home, he will seek me out. He will not go anywhere else to drink. For months I thought if I could just get him to stop, problem solved. Ha! Now I realize that was just my justification for not taking responsibility for myself.
Should I just take my kids and leave my home for a week or 2 until I'm strong enough? It seems so drastic, would very much upset my kids, and just plain stupid that I'm so weak. Does anyone have a good coping strategy for abstaining when your spouse is not?
Thanks in advance!
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
First, welcome to the forum. To stop drinking you must do it for yourself first. It sounds like you want to stop and you can do it. With that said it is easier if your spouse supports you. It is certainly possible to stop even if your spouse is still drinking. My wife drinks normally and that doesn't bother me. Now, if she drank to excess it would be a lot harder as that kind of gives you the OK to drink excessively too. But it still comes down to what you want.
Rather than leave for awhile, that would be hard on you and the kids, can you get your husband to give it up for a couple of weeks? Sounds like it would do him some good too.
Rather than leave for awhile, that would be hard on you and the kids, can you get your husband to give it up for a couple of weeks? Sounds like it would do him some good too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 44
Welcome. I am not sure i have any good advise, I was the only drinker in my house, i cant imagine how hard that must be. I guess i would say do what you have to do to get sober, your life will change for the better. Your spouse will see this and hopefully it will inspire him as well. Good luck to you, you CAN do this 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 279
I think maybe drastic steps need to be taken so that he knows how serious this is. I understand that it is much easier said than done. You are right you are responsible for your own drinking but I don't know how strong I could be if my partner were not on board with me. If leaving helps you stay sober then maybe that is what you need to do.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family. It is possible to get sober when your partner still drinks, but it is harder. You have to do it for your own well being. If you want to be sober more than you want to drink, then you will be able to get sober despite the circumstances.
It is possible to get sober when your partner still drinks, but it is harder. You have to do it for your own well being. If you want to be sober more than you want to drink, then you will be able to get sober despite the circumstances. Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Welcome! Yes, it's not going to help you that your husband drinks, but it's certainly does not need to stop you from your own recovery. If you can't spend some time alone in your home, then leaving for a few weeks until you feel stronger might be the best choice. Bottom line, you need to do whatever it takes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 5
Thank you all for the welcome and kind words! I have a feeling once I am successful, my hubby will go along with me. When you're in the depths of addiction, you can forget how great sobriety really is!
It's just going to be a rough few weeks as I shake up the status quo and keep my eyes on the prize. Reading through this forum will be a good motivator for me to stay focused.
It's just going to be a rough few weeks as I shake up the status quo and keep my eyes on the prize. Reading through this forum will be a good motivator for me to stay focused.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
My husband still drinks at home, but fortunately it isn't a trigger for me - but everyone is different. Have you let your hubby know how important it is for you to get your footing? Enough so that you have actually contemplated leaving with the kids for a couple of weeks? Is it possible that he just doesn't realize how important this is to you?
Its probably a silly question to ask, but is it possible for you to be in a different area of the house while he is drinking? When you are partaking along with him, he still has you as his "drinking buddy". He probably takes that as a sign that you aren't really serious about quitting.
Its probably a silly question to ask, but is it possible for you to be in a different area of the house while he is drinking? When you are partaking along with him, he still has you as his "drinking buddy". He probably takes that as a sign that you aren't really serious about quitting.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
If you cannot abstain because of him, stop drinking anyway for you. I seem to be the weird one in that I went into the hospital to safely detox, firmly committed to quitting for me, for my health, and for good! Thanks for being another who doesn't care what others do. Usually I am alone in that.
No one could make me quit. NO one could nag me, beat me, shame me, unemploy me, jail me, scare me into quitting at all let alone for good. I had to decide.
My wife still drinks and smokes, I quit both about 5 and a half years ago. I told her to go ahead and keep her smokes in the house and drink at home and keep her bottle of scotch here in the same place we always did.
Now do not get me wrong, but I knew if she quit I would never do it because she made the decision for me. I would not quit for another. But the other side of that coin is that I would never drink for another. I am long past high school peer pressure and devil made me do it recklessness with my self.
I did not do it like a dare to myself as that would be a crazy dare.
I've not relapsed because that would be not only stupid, but would make me go through the whole ordeal all over again.
Having her smokes and alcohol in the house is no different than driving by or to a store and picking up. the Five minutes of delay makes no difference to a person who quit with conditions. Like I can make it if life isn't too hard, my spouse or friends don't drink in front of me, no one dies that is close to me, no stress from work becomes grinding. Lots of folks quit with those conditions as their escape clauses and actually never quit, just take a break until they think it is long enough to feel like they are in control of alcohol and can moderate again.
At the end of my drinking I quit every day with the condition that once I was in control I could drink again. So I resisted when I woke up shaking in the morning until after my first cup of coffee and poured shots in my second because I proved I could quit any time.
Alcoholism is progressive. The length of time it takes to prove you can moderate shrinks every week you drink. If you are at a month or weeks not drinking why are you resuming?
It is tough as we do not control alcohol under the influence. But I am in complete control of my sobriety.
Join me. My wife is drinking her normal 4 shot drink in the other room and will vape, which I actually like the smell of in the house, or smoke outside if a cigarette is her need.
No triggers for me, not n a bar, not outside talking to a friend drinking a beer and smoking and giving me second hand smoke.
I survived, I am not deprived of anything I desire. I do not crave or desire.
I am simply a non-drinker and non-smoker. Join me.
So the question is, are you willing to do whatever it takes to quit for good, for you?
Lots of folks will say get away. Many folks become fanatics and judge others as bad for doing less of what they did drinking or smoking. I called them smoking Nazis. They would pass me by upwind and fake a cough giving a dirty look.
I was a good guy hooked on ethanol and Nicotine.
So are you. So is your husband. Y'all have nothing to do with my decision, nor I yours.
You've come to the right place for support in quitting.
Welcome.
No one could make me quit. NO one could nag me, beat me, shame me, unemploy me, jail me, scare me into quitting at all let alone for good. I had to decide.
My wife still drinks and smokes, I quit both about 5 and a half years ago. I told her to go ahead and keep her smokes in the house and drink at home and keep her bottle of scotch here in the same place we always did.
Now do not get me wrong, but I knew if she quit I would never do it because she made the decision for me. I would not quit for another. But the other side of that coin is that I would never drink for another. I am long past high school peer pressure and devil made me do it recklessness with my self.
I did not do it like a dare to myself as that would be a crazy dare.
I've not relapsed because that would be not only stupid, but would make me go through the whole ordeal all over again.
Having her smokes and alcohol in the house is no different than driving by or to a store and picking up. the Five minutes of delay makes no difference to a person who quit with conditions. Like I can make it if life isn't too hard, my spouse or friends don't drink in front of me, no one dies that is close to me, no stress from work becomes grinding. Lots of folks quit with those conditions as their escape clauses and actually never quit, just take a break until they think it is long enough to feel like they are in control of alcohol and can moderate again.
At the end of my drinking I quit every day with the condition that once I was in control I could drink again. So I resisted when I woke up shaking in the morning until after my first cup of coffee and poured shots in my second because I proved I could quit any time.
Alcoholism is progressive. The length of time it takes to prove you can moderate shrinks every week you drink. If you are at a month or weeks not drinking why are you resuming?
It is tough as we do not control alcohol under the influence. But I am in complete control of my sobriety.
Join me. My wife is drinking her normal 4 shot drink in the other room and will vape, which I actually like the smell of in the house, or smoke outside if a cigarette is her need.
No triggers for me, not n a bar, not outside talking to a friend drinking a beer and smoking and giving me second hand smoke.
I survived, I am not deprived of anything I desire. I do not crave or desire.
I am simply a non-drinker and non-smoker. Join me.
So the question is, are you willing to do whatever it takes to quit for good, for you?
Lots of folks will say get away. Many folks become fanatics and judge others as bad for doing less of what they did drinking or smoking. I called them smoking Nazis. They would pass me by upwind and fake a cough giving a dirty look.
I was a good guy hooked on ethanol and Nicotine.
So are you. So is your husband. Y'all have nothing to do with my decision, nor I yours.
You've come to the right place for support in quitting.
Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,978
My husband has drank through my recovery. They only way it has worked because I decided in the deepest part of all my being that I am absolutely done with it. Since doing that I know I'm not going to drink no matter how much he has in front of me. It is no longer an option for me. He sees that I really am done with it and no longer asks. I will have a year next month.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome to SR Doinit4good. Like the others have said, you are going to need to make this decision for you. No one else can make it for you, any more than you can will your husband to quit.
My wife and I met while drinking, had two great kids and continued to drink together for over 15 years. In many ways, drinking was our connection. After my drinking became a 24/7 event, I knew I had to quit. I also knew that no matter how much I wanted my wife to quit with me, I couldn't force it on her.
I am now moving into my 21st month of being sober. My wife still drinks, although she is cutting back. It is not the easiest thing to do when your spouse continues to drink, but it is doable. You have to live the mindset that your sobriety is the single, absolute most important thing in your life at this point. To break this cycle, you have to believe in yourself, everything else will fall into place.
You absolutely can do this. Set boundaries for yourself and make sure your husband knows what they are and your plan if he can't respect them. That isn't to say he needs to stop drinking, but he needs to respect your decision to quit.
Welcome to SR.
My wife and I met while drinking, had two great kids and continued to drink together for over 15 years. In many ways, drinking was our connection. After my drinking became a 24/7 event, I knew I had to quit. I also knew that no matter how much I wanted my wife to quit with me, I couldn't force it on her.
I am now moving into my 21st month of being sober. My wife still drinks, although she is cutting back. It is not the easiest thing to do when your spouse continues to drink, but it is doable. You have to live the mindset that your sobriety is the single, absolute most important thing in your life at this point. To break this cycle, you have to believe in yourself, everything else will fall into place.
You absolutely can do this. Set boundaries for yourself and make sure your husband knows what they are and your plan if he can't respect them. That isn't to say he needs to stop drinking, but he needs to respect your decision to quit.
Welcome to SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 5
Thank you all very much for your thoughtful responses. Great news, last night was a success in more ways than 1. Not only did I succeed in day 1, hubby and I talked and he's on board, too, of his own free will!
I can't thank you enough for the advice. I know it's easier with him supporting me but I'm determined to continue on this path regardless!
I can't thank you enough for the advice. I know it's easier with him supporting me but I'm determined to continue on this path regardless!
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