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Not relapse again....

Old 03-30-2016, 03:42 PM
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Not relapse again....

Had a slip today. Not feeling too well. I keep making these mistakes. Drinking - then abstinence for 7 to 14 days -then I forget why I don't want to drink in the first place. I honestly don't know what happened tonight, but I have a few explanations (not excuses):

1. Had a dream about drinking and throwing a party. Get them all the time. What to do when I get those dreams?

2. Watched a movie - and the reinforcement there was massive. Ice cold vodka bottles, drunk episodes that only made you laugh. Honestly, I know all this is scam. But I certainly wanted vodka after watching the movie.

3. Also wanted red wine after watching a TV show about vineyards in Italy.

Alcohol is truly everywhere. Need to work on my subconscious mind to get rid of all this. And by the way -yes, I also made excuses for drinking tonight. And they were as usual lame....Main excuse: I write better when I drink; needed to write a piece of paper and organize stuff. Always done that whilst drinking. How to break the associations?

Tonight I just WANTED IT.

I have no idea how to stop that urge.
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Old 03-30-2016, 04:09 PM
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Do you work a program or plan of any kind lily? If all you are doing is simply "not drinking" then your pattern is not surprising at all.

Living sober is learning to deal with all those things you list in healthy ways instead of using them as excuses to drink...because you are right, that's exactly what they are.
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Old 03-30-2016, 04:13 PM
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You can do it, but sometimes it is very hard to say no to yourself.
Scott is right--you need a plan for dealing with tough times.
Otherwise you keep repeating the cycle.
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Old 03-30-2016, 04:15 PM
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Oh man early sobriety is tough huh?
I wish I had some fairy dust I could sprinkle for you...but it doesn't exist.
There is no easy way. I wish to God there was.
Do you attend meetings? A big part of my staying sober early on was meetings and being accountable to my sponsor.

Hugs.
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Old 03-30-2016, 04:30 PM
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In order to stay sober you must want to be sober more than you want to drink.
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Old 03-30-2016, 04:33 PM
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I was 5 weeks dry, it was tough all the subliminal messages taunted me. I felt alone no one understood what I was going thru. I talked to my family dr. He got me to go see a addiction councilor, best choice I ever made. It was tough but she helped me through it . I have been sober 8 months and 16 days. And I still see her on a regular basis. Help to understand what's going in your head is a phone call away.
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Old 03-30-2016, 04:35 PM
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I don't have a program. Wish I had, but how do I get one? Do not want to join AA, because I feel it is against my own feelings. (I don't suffer from a disease, and I am not powerless)
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Old 03-30-2016, 04:37 PM
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Hi Lilly

I really recommend a recovery plan.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Regular posting here really helped me too - even when I didn't need help myself it was good to help others and reminded me that I really did have a problem, even after I felt 'better'

I'm glad you came back

D
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Old 03-30-2016, 04:39 PM
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I don't have a program. Wish I had, but how do I get one? Do not want to join AA, because I feel it is against my own feelings. (I don't suffer from a disease, and I am not powerless)
There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

The links are US based but most of these approaches are around in any country

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

The main thing tho - whatever you decide to do - is do something

D
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Old 03-30-2016, 04:44 PM
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I guess I didn't get it quite right when I said I didn't have a plan. I don't. But isn't a plan also a plan to do something besides of drinking? I have plenty of things I want to do instead: Like photographing, painting, drawing, listening to music. Do I need a plan besides this as well?
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Old 03-30-2016, 06:14 PM
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Look at the links Dee posted. You definitely need a plan for your recovery. One aspect of your plan will be to help you overcome your desire to drink when you experience a trigger or craving. There are other recovery methods besides AA, and you can find good information about the various programs on this site.

A word of advise: Don't torture yourself by watching shows about vineyards in Italy. That's just brutal at this early stage!
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Old 03-30-2016, 06:22 PM
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Those are great plans to keep busy, l also had to have a plan when I wanted to go out , alcohol is everywhere I have a hard time just going to Applebee's and watching people at the bar.
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Old 03-30-2016, 06:22 PM
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My recovery plan was seeing an addiction counselor weekly and coming to SR every day. I stopped seeing the counselor (who was very helpful) last year when I had five years sober. She didn't think I needed her any more.

I still come here every day. I log in when I get up and log out when I go to bed. It helps me to remember where I came from and where I am going.

The other part of my recovery plan was practicing gratitude every day. Each day I'd make a list of what I was grateful for. It put the focus on the positive and improved my attitude greatly.
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Old 03-30-2016, 06:23 PM
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Hi Lilly,

Those are all great activities to fill time, but I know I needed supports in place for when those thoughts of drinking crept in. I am using SR, trading books and articles about recovery, exercise, time with family, mindfulness, journaling.

It is great that you posted, maybe try posting before drinking next time, lots of people on here to help talk you out of it. Also, think about joining the April class, you will be surrounded by people at the same point in recovery as you.

I joined the January class and found an incredibly supportive community. I also have a sober buddy with the exact same amount of sober time as me and we check in with each other daily.

Read through the link Dee posted, lots of good ideas on there.

❤️ Delilah
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Old 03-30-2016, 07:13 PM
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I'm sorry you relapsed, but glad you came back. A lot of good suggestions for plans here. Some of my plan includes reading and posting here daily, journaling, and reading recovery books. This all helps me remind myself why I don't want to drink anymore. Another part of the plan is changing up routines and keeping busy with things especially on weekends because I was a binge drinker. Finally, reaching out to those around me. I don't have interest in AA, but have started telling those close to me that I'm not drinking. This holds me accountable. It is very difficult in the beginning, as it takes a lot of effort to not drink...we understand that here. You can do this
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Old 03-30-2016, 07:23 PM
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You sound just like me. The longest I've been sober is 8 days.
I start feeling good and then I think I can drink again...

Maybe you should stay away from TV for awhile
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Old 03-30-2016, 07:58 PM
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It took me 15 years on my own and 4 months at SR to understand a plan is necessary. Without it, I will ALWAYS go back after day 4 and 5 when it doesn't seem "that bad." Without a plan, I can wake up positive I won't drink and end up drunk 12 hours later. Without a plan, seeing people drink will make me want to. Alcohol is everywhere. Of course avoid it as much as possible until you feel stronger (certain social events, TV), but with a plan you can stay sober when you come face to face with it. Another good tip from SR is how to deal with cravings. I seriously thought they would never go away unless I drank - but I learned through some wise SR folks that they WILL end and you need to ride them out. Imagine my shock the first time (in 15 years) when I got a craving and didn't drink and it eventually went away
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Old 03-30-2016, 08:23 PM
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Originally Posted by ScarletLily View Post
Tonight I just WANTED IT.
Which is probably why you had a drinking dream (which is very common, especially in early recovery), and then watched a film that featured binge drinking and all the "humorous" chaos that comes with it, and then a TV show about vineyards, wine production and drinking wine.

When I put down the drink, I needed to recover from the severe physical, emotional and psychological ravages of alcoholism, but I also needed to recover from a life marked by chronic deception and self-deception, delusional thinking, false bravado, an inevitably inflated estimation of my abilities coupled with self-loathing, making grandiose plans for my future (about which I did absolutely nothing), unrealistic expectations, broken relationships, vain and resentful efforts to work in a field I ostensibly loved, and breaking the hearts of everyone who cared about me. No matter how much I tried to convince myself, there was nothing I could do better while I was drinking except taking unscheduled and unconscious trips to the ER.

Putting down the drink involves courage and, to me, requires a leap of faith. Some people want nothing more than to stop drinking, and then to get busy doing other things. Everyone has that right. But a part of me knew, even before I got sober, that I could not live that way. It wasn't going to be enough for me to stop drinking and then fade into the shadows. So, from the very start, I had to find a way to overcome my fears, which were considerable. I take my mortality very seriously. When I was drinking, I didn't care if I lived or died, though I often favored dying.

I don't believe in a God who's interested in intervening in people's lives. I never believed that God had a special purpose for me, that God kept me alive because I was here to relieve suffering or to bring peace to the world. With all the different species on the planet, God doesn't cater to goats that are meant to sing opera, bees that can cure cancer, or pigs that can fly. I just am. What we do with our own existence, our own being, is up to us. Nothing that we incorporate from the outside, from that which is external to our own being, will ever convince us that we have a purpose in life. Meaning is for us to discover, to create, to nurture, to live.

I suppose that adversity can build character, but I'm more convinced that it reveals it. Saying "I can't" is essentially a denial of being, a denial of who we are and what we can become, regardless of what's happened in the past.

To very briefly summarize what's referred to as "survival of the fittest," as attributed to English philosopher Herbert Spencer...It's not the strongest or the smartest who survive, it's those who are most able to adapt to change.

Evolution unfolds over a great deal of time and adaptation. The idea that we can become who we currently are is not the stuff of fairy tales or science fiction. It is, for me, my responsibility.
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