Good Grief....
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Join Date: May 2010
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Good Grief....
So..most of you know my ongoing saga about getting finances switched over to my name only. I am moving right along on that. X and his wifey have berated me like crazy, and admittedly, I have let them, which was not a good move on my part.
So today, I am at a nice lunch w/a co worker and I get a phone call from X. He starts a new job soon, but his current job just let him go b/c they have his replacement all set up and starting now, as he did give a long notice. So, he wants to know if I have a have a moment to tell me that he is going to be late on his child support!
Ok, I am a cooperative person. I am ok with this. I do believe he will pay it, no problem if he does not, my state will intervene if need be. That being said, really? You have treated me like complete crap the past weeks, your wife has absolutely harassed me to death, and now you want to be all nicey b/c you will be late with your obligation??? Keep in mind, I was kind enough to forgive almost an entire year of back child support that he did not pay before. That sure won't happen again, I assure you of that!
Just needing to vent, I cannot believe people sometimes. I did tell him that he better leave me alone, that I will do this but that I wont be fighting and listening to any more crap. Grrrrr......
So today, I am at a nice lunch w/a co worker and I get a phone call from X. He starts a new job soon, but his current job just let him go b/c they have his replacement all set up and starting now, as he did give a long notice. So, he wants to know if I have a have a moment to tell me that he is going to be late on his child support!
Ok, I am a cooperative person. I am ok with this. I do believe he will pay it, no problem if he does not, my state will intervene if need be. That being said, really? You have treated me like complete crap the past weeks, your wife has absolutely harassed me to death, and now you want to be all nicey b/c you will be late with your obligation??? Keep in mind, I was kind enough to forgive almost an entire year of back child support that he did not pay before. That sure won't happen again, I assure you of that!
Just needing to vent, I cannot believe people sometimes. I did tell him that he better leave me alone, that I will do this but that I wont be fighting and listening to any more crap. Grrrrr......
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I know Dandy, you are so right. My nice is over. On this subject I don't have much of a choice as he will pay it next month, so that's ok. However, the switch has flipped in my head. I cannot believe I let myself be treated that way. My boundaries are tight in place right now.
I absolutely cannot wait for our finances to be completely separate! It will be the BEST feeling ever!
I absolutely cannot wait for our finances to be completely separate! It will be the BEST feeling ever!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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You are far tooooo nice to this person that has treated his own children deplorably. Mine would do the same thing-abuse, threaten , stalk, harass and then wonder why I didn't ask how high when he said/demanded I jump! They Take, take, take and then take some more. Dandy said it perfectly-when dealing with a messed up person like our exs are, you don't get medals for being nice with a narc.
Iron clad boundaries, iron clad.
He thinks he can get away with it bc so far he has.
Iron clad boundaries, iron clad.
He thinks he can get away with it bc so far he has.
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Miss Manners here.....so while you were at LUNCH with a co-worker, did you have your phone ON and when it rang and you saw who it was, did you answer?
i do have a point.....so bear with me.......
i do have a point.....so bear with me.......
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Fessing up to Anvil....yes, I had it on and did answer. He rarely ever calls, only text, so I was pretty curious. I should have let it go to VM.
Let me explain some of this. I am 90% sure that one day I will end up in court with my X over my child. When that happens, I will be able to show I took the high road....EVERY...SINGLE....TIME. That I kept my head on straight and was level headed. That is on the advise of my attorney who knows the judge and his expectations as well.
Just recently I got onto a FB group someone on here mentioned, One Moms Battle. I try not to read too much b/c the stories there about how judges have taken these children from their mother and given 50/50 (and sometimes more) to fathers who are narcissist abusers. They also speak about the GAL bad experiences they have had. Many times they say the mother is using parental alienation to keep the child from the other parent, when in reality she is trying to protect the child.
I won't lie. It has scared the pants off of me, I am horrified. I am trying to stay out of court until my child reaches the age of 13 when a judge will listen to what my child actually has to say, not just a GAL. So...yes, I let my X get by with saying things I should not tolerate. Part of it in this instance is b/c I feel badly myself b/c I should have just taken care of these things immediately after my divorce. Partly I am trying to keep the peace and stay out of court for a while. I also just blew through all of my savings taking care of these commitments, so I don't have the money to go to court should I need to, and I will never try to go Pro Se as the judges here hate that. Told to me by an actual judge LOL.
It's getting better. I am stepping up more and sticking up for myself. When it has come to drinking, I have stepped up for my kids with no problem. Now that the issue has been with me, it's been alot harder. I told him yesterday that I wish to engage with he and his wife as little as possible, and I mean that. There is so much more peace in my life when I don't have to deal with them.
Thank you all for listening, and for your encouragement. As Refiner said, I am getting there. It's taking me longer than I would like, and I have realized I am not nearly as far along as I thought, but that's ok. It's a work in progress.
Let me explain some of this. I am 90% sure that one day I will end up in court with my X over my child. When that happens, I will be able to show I took the high road....EVERY...SINGLE....TIME. That I kept my head on straight and was level headed. That is on the advise of my attorney who knows the judge and his expectations as well.
Just recently I got onto a FB group someone on here mentioned, One Moms Battle. I try not to read too much b/c the stories there about how judges have taken these children from their mother and given 50/50 (and sometimes more) to fathers who are narcissist abusers. They also speak about the GAL bad experiences they have had. Many times they say the mother is using parental alienation to keep the child from the other parent, when in reality she is trying to protect the child.
I won't lie. It has scared the pants off of me, I am horrified. I am trying to stay out of court until my child reaches the age of 13 when a judge will listen to what my child actually has to say, not just a GAL. So...yes, I let my X get by with saying things I should not tolerate. Part of it in this instance is b/c I feel badly myself b/c I should have just taken care of these things immediately after my divorce. Partly I am trying to keep the peace and stay out of court for a while. I also just blew through all of my savings taking care of these commitments, so I don't have the money to go to court should I need to, and I will never try to go Pro Se as the judges here hate that. Told to me by an actual judge LOL.
It's getting better. I am stepping up more and sticking up for myself. When it has come to drinking, I have stepped up for my kids with no problem. Now that the issue has been with me, it's been alot harder. I told him yesterday that I wish to engage with he and his wife as little as possible, and I mean that. There is so much more peace in my life when I don't have to deal with them.
Thank you all for listening, and for your encouragement. As Refiner said, I am getting there. It's taking me longer than I would like, and I have realized I am not nearly as far along as I thought, but that's ok. It's a work in progress.
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Good for you Hopeful for being so smart about this. I read One Mom's Battle and it truly is horrifying.
One point, if you let his call go to voicemail, you would have a record of what he had to say. Unless, of course, he just said, "Call me."
One point, if you let his call go to voicemail, you would have a record of what he had to say. Unless, of course, he just said, "Call me."
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I will be able to show I took the high road....EVERY...SINGLE....TIME. That I kept my head on straight and was level headed.
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Not yet atalose b/c he is not sure what his first pay date will be, but that is the plan as soon as he knows. In this state, if you are behind, they will garnish your checks very quickly. He knows this. He also knows I will never forgive another dime from him again. He has a huge phobia about how it looks to his employer if he is garnished, so I know he won't want that.
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Always remember……..it’s not what you know it’s what you can prove.
An email today stating the phone conversation that explains it all out and including that you are waiting to hear from him regarding the date of his fist pay check for anticipated child support.
You drive this bus, you keep it all documented, don’t wait around on him.
An email today stating the phone conversation that explains it all out and including that you are waiting to hear from him regarding the date of his fist pay check for anticipated child support.
You drive this bus, you keep it all documented, don’t wait around on him.
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atalose, I understand what you are saying completely. However, I need to explain that having to deal with he and his wife has about sent me over the edge for the past three weeks. It's been awful and my anxiety has been through the roof over it. Ultimately, what he said does not matter. If he does not pay it, I will have the state garnish it, and that will be the end of it. I don't want to email him or anything else at this time b/c that just means more contact for me, which is not good for me right now.
I don't have to go to court or anything else for the state to garnish it, just fill out a form.
I don't have to go to court or anything else for the state to garnish it, just fill out a form.
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Under normal circumstances that is absolutely what I would do. However, my one big debt that is left in our names is about to be paid off (next week, Praise God), and I just need to be free of speaking with them for a while as it's been so awful.
He said he will tell me when he knows when he gets paid next, and I believe this. I believe it b/c I have let him know in no uncertain terms that if I ever had to turn him in to collect child support, I would also collect all the back support owed to me, and it's a lot of money. That is the one good thing about the state I live in, they don't mess around with that, they will garnish you for CS in a heart beat.
So for now, I am just going to sit back and CELEBRATE when I pay off this last big debt. It won't be a big celebration b/c I will be broke, but I will definitely be basking in being free and clear of him.
I completely get what you are saying, and under normal circumstances I think that is the way to go. For now, I will just preserve my mental health LOL
He said he will tell me when he knows when he gets paid next, and I believe this. I believe it b/c I have let him know in no uncertain terms that if I ever had to turn him in to collect child support, I would also collect all the back support owed to me, and it's a lot of money. That is the one good thing about the state I live in, they don't mess around with that, they will garnish you for CS in a heart beat.
So for now, I am just going to sit back and CELEBRATE when I pay off this last big debt. It won't be a big celebration b/c I will be broke, but I will definitely be basking in being free and clear of him.
I completely get what you are saying, and under normal circumstances I think that is the way to go. For now, I will just preserve my mental health LOL
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hopeful......I have a, potentially, positive thought for you.....
I have seen, multiple times.....where the "new woman" comes into their life....and she attempts to prove her worth and value to him by being his white knight on a charging horse.
She believes all of his sob stories and victim stories....she carries all his water for him and pushes him to "stand up for his rights"----especially where money is concerned.....AND...she is going to show him that she is the embodiment of maternal concerns.
It makes me wonder if she may not be a force that is doing a lot of pushing of him........ Not that he is innocent, if he is going along with it.....
If any of this applies,.....he is still drinking....and alcoholism IS progressive....
Eventully, it will take the bloom off their rose....and the fire from her m ission....
Another thing....though it is common for them to threaten to take the children, etc.....most really don't want the bother of the children for more than some symbolic visits..... It interferes with their own time and their drinking schedules.....
Just thought I would mention this.....
dandylion
I have seen, multiple times.....where the "new woman" comes into their life....and she attempts to prove her worth and value to him by being his white knight on a charging horse.
She believes all of his sob stories and victim stories....she carries all his water for him and pushes him to "stand up for his rights"----especially where money is concerned.....AND...she is going to show him that she is the embodiment of maternal concerns.
It makes me wonder if she may not be a force that is doing a lot of pushing of him........ Not that he is innocent, if he is going along with it.....
If any of this applies,.....he is still drinking....and alcoholism IS progressive....
Eventully, it will take the bloom off their rose....and the fire from her m ission....
Another thing....though it is common for them to threaten to take the children, etc.....most really don't want the bother of the children for more than some symbolic visits..... It interferes with their own time and their drinking schedules.....
Just thought I would mention this.....
dandylion
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Wow Dandy, you have hit the nail on the head! Have you met her b/c your description sounds JUST LIKE HER! You know what's sad is that it reminds me of myself and where I was when I had first met him. I took charge of his entire life. A codie at heart...that was me!
I have had some contact from him in all of this, but she pushed it, I am absolutely sure of that. She even admitted it to me that he cannot take care of himself and she will do it for him, that if it was up to him he would not make a single decision. He was just like that when we were married. He WOULD NOT make decisions and did not want to know about anything. Ugh.
Glad my codie stick has been handed off to the next person LOL! She also has no self confidence at all, and admitted her biggest fear is that he will leave her. He has already cheated on her before they were married, I know that. I don't know if he does currently or not. Not my business thankfully!
I don't think he will try to take the children from me ever, he would not be able to. What I do think is that the alcoholism will get so bad that I will have to intervene with the courts for my child. It won't be easy b/c he has a job. He does not look like a thug. He can function, but when he is drinking, it CAN be awful. It's not always, but when it's bad, it's very bad, and dangerous.
His wife is a lot of things, but she will not lie for him if he has been drinking. She also will make sure my child gets out of the house if I have to come pick her up with no trouble. For all I cannot stand about her, I appreciate those things b/c they are critical to the well being of my child.
I have had some contact from him in all of this, but she pushed it, I am absolutely sure of that. She even admitted it to me that he cannot take care of himself and she will do it for him, that if it was up to him he would not make a single decision. He was just like that when we were married. He WOULD NOT make decisions and did not want to know about anything. Ugh.
Glad my codie stick has been handed off to the next person LOL! She also has no self confidence at all, and admitted her biggest fear is that he will leave her. He has already cheated on her before they were married, I know that. I don't know if he does currently or not. Not my business thankfully!
I don't think he will try to take the children from me ever, he would not be able to. What I do think is that the alcoholism will get so bad that I will have to intervene with the courts for my child. It won't be easy b/c he has a job. He does not look like a thug. He can function, but when he is drinking, it CAN be awful. It's not always, but when it's bad, it's very bad, and dangerous.
His wife is a lot of things, but she will not lie for him if he has been drinking. She also will make sure my child gets out of the house if I have to come pick her up with no trouble. For all I cannot stand about her, I appreciate those things b/c they are critical to the well being of my child.
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Friend, while she sure sounds like she may win the award for biggest Codie ever (even beating my former in laws trying to fight poor little mans battles), it does sound like she is an advocate for your children....and homestly, it sounds like she knows who he is and what he's all about, but she's just not ready to give up on him! ( sounds familiar-like I was for over a decade!). I am proud of you, so very proud of you-this is not an easy situation to be in and you're navigating these troubling waters with grace and humility. Your kids are extremely lucky to have you !
xoxoxo
xoxoxo
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Thank you FOG! That means the world to me. It's a hard and long road, but by making these changes it has lifted a lot of weight from my shoulders.
She amazingly does know what she has gotten herself into. At this point, she is so desperate not to be alone that she is willing to put up with his crap. At some point, just like it does for all of us, the pain of staying will outweigh her insecurities and she will realize it's just not worth it. Not my circus though....thank God!
She amazingly does know what she has gotten herself into. At this point, she is so desperate not to be alone that she is willing to put up with his crap. At some point, just like it does for all of us, the pain of staying will outweigh her insecurities and she will realize it's just not worth it. Not my circus though....thank God!
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