Moving On Slowly
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Moving On Slowly
Hi,
Things are progressing slowly.
Starting to settle in to my new place. It's been difficult, but il feeling better about it.
I am lucky, I have a few very supportive friends and a very special family
I just want if down and over with.
I met with my lawyer yesterday and he feels the court will want us to do mediation, it's big in my state.
My ah cousin and aunt came 2hrs yesterday to have lunch with me. Are being so kind and supportive.
I guess, I'm moving on, too slow. I want to be ok and feel ok, but don't. Feel like I'm doing all the right things, but still have a long way to go!!
How long do you feel this way?? I know a hard question to answer. I guess I'll just keep plugging away.
Thank you for listening.
Z
Things are progressing slowly.
Starting to settle in to my new place. It's been difficult, but il feeling better about it.
I am lucky, I have a few very supportive friends and a very special family
I just want if down and over with.
I met with my lawyer yesterday and he feels the court will want us to do mediation, it's big in my state.
My ah cousin and aunt came 2hrs yesterday to have lunch with me. Are being so kind and supportive.
I guess, I'm moving on, too slow. I want to be ok and feel ok, but don't. Feel like I'm doing all the right things, but still have a long way to go!!
How long do you feel this way?? I know a hard question to answer. I guess I'll just keep plugging away.
Thank you for listening.
Z
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It's still very, very new for you, Z. VERY new.
You will feel this way until you don't. Try to not linger on the past or future, but stay present in the now. Concentrate on doing the next best thing for Zircon in any given moment. Spend as much time as possible with people who love and accept you just as you are.
You will feel this way until you don't. Try to not linger on the past or future, but stay present in the now. Concentrate on doing the next best thing for Zircon in any given moment. Spend as much time as possible with people who love and accept you just as you are.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
One step, another step. Repeat.
One breath, another breath. Repeat.
It's really, really hard and I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I had some magic words.
When you're seasick, they tell you to keep your eyes on the horizon. It kind of applies to heartsick, too.
Sending you a hug.
One breath, another breath. Repeat.
It's really, really hard and I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I had some magic words.
When you're seasick, they tell you to keep your eyes on the horizon. It kind of applies to heartsick, too.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Zircon, I just posted in another thread about how so many of us, myself included, viewed alcoholism as kind of like having a splinter in your finger. If you have a splinter, you go get the tweezers and pull it out and all is fine in a matter of minutes. I certainly felt that way about XAH's drinking--if he'd only stop, that would fix everything, and fix it quick! But I've learned that's not even close to being true...
I think you may be stuck in a similar thought pattern--"I left XAH and now I should feel totally and completely better, now , or at least soon, b/c HE was the problem and now he's gone!" As you're finding out, it doesn't work that way for us on the other side of the fence either. Yes, the A was part of the problem, but we are not perfectly healthy and blameless ourselves--we have our own issues that need work, and that will take time.
For myself, a big part of my problem was that I still hadn't finally really let go of him and the situation. If I am honest w/myself, I have to admit that yes, there was more than a small part of me that was still hoping, even on the day I told him he'd have to move out, even on the day he actually DID move out, that this would finally make him "see the light" and realize all he was giving up. I still wanted him to change so we could live happily ever after. I hesitate to call my actions outright manipulative, but definitely the hope was still there in my heart and that was a major source of my pain.
And that shows just how far I really still had to go...
Z, I can tell you for sure that as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep working on your recovery in whatever way seems best to you, you WILL get better and feel better.
This may seem like a ridiculous suggestion, but have you tried a gratitude journal? There is a gratitude thread going on here at SR that you might like to look into. If you can find that one thing each day that you are truly grateful for instead of focusing on how bad you feel and the things you don't have, it might make the first crack in the rock to let in the light to your life.
I think you may be stuck in a similar thought pattern--"I left XAH and now I should feel totally and completely better, now , or at least soon, b/c HE was the problem and now he's gone!" As you're finding out, it doesn't work that way for us on the other side of the fence either. Yes, the A was part of the problem, but we are not perfectly healthy and blameless ourselves--we have our own issues that need work, and that will take time.
For myself, a big part of my problem was that I still hadn't finally really let go of him and the situation. If I am honest w/myself, I have to admit that yes, there was more than a small part of me that was still hoping, even on the day I told him he'd have to move out, even on the day he actually DID move out, that this would finally make him "see the light" and realize all he was giving up. I still wanted him to change so we could live happily ever after. I hesitate to call my actions outright manipulative, but definitely the hope was still there in my heart and that was a major source of my pain.
And that shows just how far I really still had to go...
Z, I can tell you for sure that as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep working on your recovery in whatever way seems best to you, you WILL get better and feel better.
This may seem like a ridiculous suggestion, but have you tried a gratitude journal? There is a gratitude thread going on here at SR that you might like to look into. If you can find that one thing each day that you are truly grateful for instead of focusing on how bad you feel and the things you don't have, it might make the first crack in the rock to let in the light to your life.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Everything takes time. No action immediately changes everything and the emotions and feelings linger. Separation will allow you to live without his baggage and will allow you to sort yours. None of us are without issues. We are after all just "beins".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Hi,
I think as honeypig stated, I haven't let go of him. I don't think I have let go completely. It's so painful to think of never sharing anything again with him. If my ah wanted to reconcile, after a year of sobriety, j know I wouldn't do it. I have forgiven him for everything my ah has said to me and done to me. I'm having trouble forgiving myself.
I don't trust myself to make any good decisions right now.
Frankly, I don't trust anyone. I don't like who I have become. I am trying so hard to get me back.
My ah has taken with him and he doesn't even know it a huge chunk of me. I just want to feel the way I used to feel. I want to embrace each day, face what the day brings, and look forward to the next.
I want this awful feeling inside my stomach and head to go away.
I did everything I could to help myself and take myself out of harms way, but it hasn't made me feel much better.
I know these feelings will pass, and as time passes I will feel better.
Again, j need to stop myself from trying to apply logic, to a totally illogical situation.
I'm ok, just overwhelmed by all the changes in my life.
Thank you for listening to my rantings.
Z
I think as honeypig stated, I haven't let go of him. I don't think I have let go completely. It's so painful to think of never sharing anything again with him. If my ah wanted to reconcile, after a year of sobriety, j know I wouldn't do it. I have forgiven him for everything my ah has said to me and done to me. I'm having trouble forgiving myself.
I don't trust myself to make any good decisions right now.
Frankly, I don't trust anyone. I don't like who I have become. I am trying so hard to get me back.
My ah has taken with him and he doesn't even know it a huge chunk of me. I just want to feel the way I used to feel. I want to embrace each day, face what the day brings, and look forward to the next.
I want this awful feeling inside my stomach and head to go away.
I did everything I could to help myself and take myself out of harms way, but it hasn't made me feel much better.
I know these feelings will pass, and as time passes I will feel better.
Again, j need to stop myself from trying to apply logic, to a totally illogical situation.
I'm ok, just overwhelmed by all the changes in my life.
Thank you for listening to my rantings.
Z
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 11
Zircon, I am sorry you are going through this. Some days you will feel so liberated and relieved, and some days you will feel that you want to die just so you dont feel anymore. The truth is you will miss him. you cant shut off your feelings. You will move on, slowly but surely you will put yourself back together. Kudos to you, for mustering up the courage to leave when your heart probably wanted to stay. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself...always. *Hugs*
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 66
I'm just leaving my third, yes third alcoholic relationship. Two were easy (first and most recent) I was just done with the drama. The second though was a doozy... Took me ages to get over and I started drinking too much myself. It was terrible I still was totally in love. As much as I didn't believe it at the time, it really just took time to get through. One day the weight lifted. There are times that I still miss him and always will. But he has never sobered up 10 years later so I try to just think of the happy times (of which here were many) and let go of the crap.... Gets me through it.
If you can afford it spa days do wonders!
Xoxox
If you can afford it spa days do wonders!
Xoxox
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Z-just sending you huge big ole bear hugs...as my youngest daughter says 
this too shall pass. I know it doesn't seem like it but it will. I was there - I was caught and my hope kept me caught. My hope always got me let down. Accepting things as they are, regardless of how sucky and hurting, is needed. But it will pass. It will be highs and lows and valleys for a while-and just when you think you're good, bam-back again. That's ok. I think it was dandy (and others) that told me the space between those highs and lows will get farther apart until one day you just wake up and you're free. It will come, friend!!
this too shall pass. I know it doesn't seem like it but it will. I was there - I was caught and my hope kept me caught. My hope always got me let down. Accepting things as they are, regardless of how sucky and hurting, is needed. But it will pass. It will be highs and lows and valleys for a while-and just when you think you're good, bam-back again. That's ok. I think it was dandy (and others) that told me the space between those highs and lows will get farther apart until one day you just wake up and you're free. It will come, friend!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Heya Zircon, thanks for keeping us updated.
I don't think anyone gets to leave a relationship without going through a grieving process and it just HURTS for WAY too LONG as far as I'm concerned. I always recommend the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is a quick, easy, comforting read. I probably read it 10 times while grieving.
I don't know if it will be helpful or horrifying for you to know my experience of the grief process but since you wanted a time frame here it is: it took me 3 years to get through the grief. That time period was probably determined by my age, (young), number of emotional tools I had (very few) and the length of the relationship (5 years). There are certainly more variables to the equation that produced 3 years of grieving but I won't go into it.
Your journey will be different but I just wanted to back Dandylion's assertion that "Time takes time." with my own example.
I don't think anyone gets to leave a relationship without going through a grieving process and it just HURTS for WAY too LONG as far as I'm concerned. I always recommend the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is a quick, easy, comforting read. I probably read it 10 times while grieving.
I don't know if it will be helpful or horrifying for you to know my experience of the grief process but since you wanted a time frame here it is: it took me 3 years to get through the grief. That time period was probably determined by my age, (young), number of emotional tools I had (very few) and the length of the relationship (5 years). There are certainly more variables to the equation that produced 3 years of grieving but I won't go into it.
Your journey will be different but I just wanted to back Dandylion's assertion that "Time takes time." with my own example.
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