Why is it SO hard to walk away. I hate being codependent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 44
Why is it SO hard to walk away. I hate being codependent
So as I predicted 2 months ago, the sh*tstorm cycle did repeat it self and my ABF of 4 years is stuck once again in a full blown opiate addiction. He is using the worst (I mean strongest) opiate available - Fentanyl. I live in Canada, and these fake Oxy80 pills are killing people left and right. The city we live in is flooded with them. When I heard about the large amount of these pills in the city, I worried about K using them. Sure enough my worst nightmare has come true. I worry every minute that he's going to overdose. He almost has a few times, and he uses an amount that would kill anyone. His tolerance is crazy high, and the mood swings and everything that comes along with opiate addiction.
I'm a severe codependent. Currently, I am sitting outside of the house in my truck because his behaviour is too much today. His cousin comes around who smokes meth, something tells me that he did today. He's acting like he's really high on an upper, maybe cocaine but I'm thinking it's probably something else like meth. He constantly projects on to me, about cheating on him. Meanwhile he is the one that has been getting caught in situations with other women.
Ugh. It's so effing pathetic that I know what I'm supposed to do, I even counsel my friends in similar situations, but why can't I apply my own advice to my own life? I'm so scared to just pack my things and leave. I have basically moved to a new city for him, thinking he was going to stay sober. He is still working, but he uses every single day. The drug he is addicted to requires him to do it every 6 to 8 hours because it's high potency and he gets sick very soon after unlike other opiate painkillers. He has talked about getting clean and tried but has never made it past 36 hours without having to use again. Today he spoke to me earlier, before he started acting crazy, about wanting to go to detox. I even called and got information for him. He's also afraid to go, I don't know why.
Obviously like many other's on this website, I fear that if I leave him he will die. But I don't know how much longer I can stay on this crazy roller coaster. The emotional abuse, he's turning into a control freak. I left to get some fast food today, and was bombarded with accusations of cheating. I went for a little cruise before I got food, it's a beautiful day. and he couldn't handle it.
This relationship is becoming to be too much to deal with. This is actually the hardest decision I've ever had to make I feel like it's impossible. I know it's not,
but I feel like it is
I'm a severe codependent. Currently, I am sitting outside of the house in my truck because his behaviour is too much today. His cousin comes around who smokes meth, something tells me that he did today. He's acting like he's really high on an upper, maybe cocaine but I'm thinking it's probably something else like meth. He constantly projects on to me, about cheating on him. Meanwhile he is the one that has been getting caught in situations with other women.
Ugh. It's so effing pathetic that I know what I'm supposed to do, I even counsel my friends in similar situations, but why can't I apply my own advice to my own life? I'm so scared to just pack my things and leave. I have basically moved to a new city for him, thinking he was going to stay sober. He is still working, but he uses every single day. The drug he is addicted to requires him to do it every 6 to 8 hours because it's high potency and he gets sick very soon after unlike other opiate painkillers. He has talked about getting clean and tried but has never made it past 36 hours without having to use again. Today he spoke to me earlier, before he started acting crazy, about wanting to go to detox. I even called and got information for him. He's also afraid to go, I don't know why.
Obviously like many other's on this website, I fear that if I leave him he will die. But I don't know how much longer I can stay on this crazy roller coaster. The emotional abuse, he's turning into a control freak. I left to get some fast food today, and was bombarded with accusations of cheating. I went for a little cruise before I got food, it's a beautiful day. and he couldn't handle it.
This relationship is becoming to be too much to deal with. This is actually the hardest decision I've ever had to make I feel like it's impossible. I know it's not,
but I feel like it is
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
When you've had enough, you will know. Sounds like you may be getting close.
As far as him dying if you leave, he could just as easily die with you there. It happens all the time.
When you get sick enough of his accusations, manipulations, being a control freak, and having to go outside and sit in your truck just to get away from him, you will make the changes you know you need to make.
In the meantime, stay close to SR, read, Read, READ and post often. SR has helped MANY friends/family members of addicts find the courage to finally use the key they already have, to unlock their chains.
As far as him dying if you leave, he could just as easily die with you there. It happens all the time.
When you get sick enough of his accusations, manipulations, being a control freak, and having to go outside and sit in your truck just to get away from him, you will make the changes you know you need to make.
In the meantime, stay close to SR, read, Read, READ and post often. SR has helped MANY friends/family members of addicts find the courage to finally use the key they already have, to unlock their chains.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 88
Im so sorry you are dealing with this, our situations are extremely similar as most are who love someone with opiate addiction. My fiances drug of choice is shooting up heroin. I too moved to a new town for him (not far from my own) but still, once again it was ME doing something for HIM. I had dreams of him being sober when we moved into our apartment but it didnt take long to start finding syringes and empty bags of dope. I almost laughed (not at you) but at myself when you said that you sit in your truck outside of the house, I did this exact thing. I would take drives to ANYWHERE......just to get out of the house and stop seeing the high man that has overtaken my fiance. After my drives to the coffee shop, the park, a side road with a pretty view I would sit in the driveway on the phone with anyone who would listen to me.... I just needed to be away. Last sunday, after an extremely emotionally abusive saturday night and him sneaking out at 3am to go find more drugs..... I woke up, took our dog, packed my clothes, and LEFT...... I LEFT! I could not take another second of his drug abuse in plain sight... I REFUSED to live in a house infested with the memories of his drug use! I had adored our home, I spent hundreds of dollars decorating it, countless hours cleaning, anything I could do to distract myself from the fact that in the back of my mind, I knew it would be short lived.
It took me two years to discover that this addiction is far worse than I could have ever dreamed. Two years to work up the nerve to walk away not fearing his death, I know that if he dies, overdoses, or gets arrested it would happen whether I was there or not. I never knew where he was anyway! And one bonus is that I no longer have to worry about discovering his body (I know that sounds sick, but it was my fear everytime I walked in the house from a long night at work) I can not sit here and tell you that this last week and a half has been easy, it get harder everyday. but i will tell you this...... I talk to him everyday, I can not cut off contact with him, but knowing that he is high and knowing that I AM NOT GOING HOME TO SEE IT is a mini win for me. Yes i'm devastated that he isnt getting help, but I find so much peace knowing that I no longer have to be in the audience.
I hope you find the peace you DESERVE! It is easier said than done, but if I could get out, so could you. When and IF EVER they are sober they will understand why we exited the situation, and if he never does, you will.
take care of yourself! remember that YOU more than anyone in this world are most deserving of your LOVE and HAPPINESS.
It took me two years to discover that this addiction is far worse than I could have ever dreamed. Two years to work up the nerve to walk away not fearing his death, I know that if he dies, overdoses, or gets arrested it would happen whether I was there or not. I never knew where he was anyway! And one bonus is that I no longer have to worry about discovering his body (I know that sounds sick, but it was my fear everytime I walked in the house from a long night at work) I can not sit here and tell you that this last week and a half has been easy, it get harder everyday. but i will tell you this...... I talk to him everyday, I can not cut off contact with him, but knowing that he is high and knowing that I AM NOT GOING HOME TO SEE IT is a mini win for me. Yes i'm devastated that he isnt getting help, but I find so much peace knowing that I no longer have to be in the audience.
I hope you find the peace you DESERVE! It is easier said than done, but if I could get out, so could you. When and IF EVER they are sober they will understand why we exited the situation, and if he never does, you will.
take care of yourself! remember that YOU more than anyone in this world are most deserving of your LOVE and HAPPINESS.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
with his increased drug use and ever-growing unpredictable volatile behaviors, coupled with paranoia and attempting to control you, i'd say you are worried about the wrong person in this scenario. YOU might not survive this. the psychological and emotional damage is actually HARDER to recover from that the drug addiction.
you need to do this for YOU. he is going to do whatever he does.....you haven't stopped him or even slowed him down much. you are not the SOLUTION for HIS problem.
you are no longer in a RELATIONSHIP, you are in a hostage crisis.
you need to do this for YOU. he is going to do whatever he does.....you haven't stopped him or even slowed him down much. you are not the SOLUTION for HIS problem.
you are no longer in a RELATIONSHIP, you are in a hostage crisis.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Hello fellow Canadian. I live in Canada too and know how accessible certain drugs are to get.
Your boyfriend is terrified to get help, same as my husband is terrified of being sober and most all addicts are terrified of that change. We don't understand this but to them, it's changing a huge part of who they are and how they self regulate their emotions. They for some weird reason feel more self control when clearly we see them being out of control.
Unfortunately there isn't much you can do for him who is unwilling to change. You can only change your future, not his. Has he gone to rehab yet?
Your boyfriend is terrified to get help, same as my husband is terrified of being sober and most all addicts are terrified of that change. We don't understand this but to them, it's changing a huge part of who they are and how they self regulate their emotions. They for some weird reason feel more self control when clearly we see them being out of control.
Unfortunately there isn't much you can do for him who is unwilling to change. You can only change your future, not his. Has he gone to rehab yet?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
If you leave, you'll take command of your own life and your own destiny. There will be nothing to shackle you. It'll just be you and the open road.
If you stay, you'll get more of the same.
What's your choice?
If you stay, you'll get more of the same.
What's your choice?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
I suspect you have been gas lighted and have an intense fear of abandonment MK.
Consider these two issues. If they apply to you, and you work these issues out, you may get enough clarity to exit this relationship.
Because you are stuck there, parked in your truck, under your own mental captivity. I know you are worth saving, but do you value your own self enough to save yourself?
Take care of you. Be aware that things are just escalating.
Consider these two issues. If they apply to you, and you work these issues out, you may get enough clarity to exit this relationship.
Because you are stuck there, parked in your truck, under your own mental captivity. I know you are worth saving, but do you value your own self enough to save yourself?
Take care of you. Be aware that things are just escalating.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
I hate to admit how long it took me to accept that I'm codependent but I arrived the day I left my exABF. That is all that matters. The road since has been rocky but each day is so much sweeter !
What I did find is that I had to leave many people behind. Reminds me of a battlefield ! bodies everywhere ! But so necessary.
Whom I was for people I have known since high school ... was NOT the person that I AM. Over time, it caused me to reevaluate every relationship. I asked questions ... and didn't always like the responses but they showed me that I could no longer be a part of those relationships AND grow healthier. It was sad and yet it was like a huge weight had been lifted - somewhere inside I already knew, but could not face it all at one time. Day to Day - moment to moment - not my circus, not my monkeys.
Wishing you so much strength and peace my friend,
Hugs
Joie
What I did find is that I had to leave many people behind. Reminds me of a battlefield ! bodies everywhere ! But so necessary.
Whom I was for people I have known since high school ... was NOT the person that I AM. Over time, it caused me to reevaluate every relationship. I asked questions ... and didn't always like the responses but they showed me that I could no longer be a part of those relationships AND grow healthier. It was sad and yet it was like a huge weight had been lifted - somewhere inside I already knew, but could not face it all at one time. Day to Day - moment to moment - not my circus, not my monkeys.
Wishing you so much strength and peace my friend,
Hugs
Joie
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
