sad. Ah flirting on recovery site

Old 03-29-2016, 07:40 AM
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Angry sad. Ah flirting on recovery site

I'm totally crushed. It might not seem like a huge deal to some... but I found out that my AH was mildly flirting on a recovery internet group. When I confronted him, at first he blew it off saying it was just supporting other members and nothing. Then I saw another and it just bothered me... not straight out bad.. but I have a problem with him saying he was checking out her pictures- she initiated a convo on one of his posts. We have been together for about 13 years and have two children. I have struggled with him through his addiction, in and out of rehabs. It has been terrible. He is coming up on 6 months clean and I'm destroyed that this would even be an issue. I've always been very confiden with myself and our marriage... all of his friends and family have told him they have no idea why I dated him to begin with let alone stayed with him through this illness. I may have reminded him of the fact that many guys would love to be in his position I never doubted him regarding fidelity... even during active addiction. I know he loves me/ and is In love with me. We discussed it (after a blow out) and he seemed to be having realizations of things he was working with his sponsor... about sabotaging his recovery and "good things" before they hurt or leave him. I told him that even though it wasn't an affair or anything that he was putting his toe in dangerous waters by seeing attention and approval from other women. We think he was trying to fill the void that the drugs would fill with attention from others leading to the thought that was a quick way to huge screw up in our relationship or lead to a relapse. He deleted his online profiles, etc. Swore it would never happen ever again and said he was talking to his sponsor about it last night. Yesterday I was just sad and hurt. He was sweet .. but I was/ am just sad. I'm not sure if it is bc he did that.. if it is bc he was looking outside of our relationship.. if it is bc I cant give him what he needs or that I feel like I'm not enough now. Then I wonder if I'm being manipulated- and he is just a straight up jerk face. After his meeting we ended up in a huge fight bc "im trying to make him feel worse by being sad" that "i'm twisting the knife"... idk maybe I am? I know he would go absolutely crazy if the shoe was on the other foot... and he admits that. I think sometimes he forgets just who he married. I've never been a passive type of person. I don't understand why he screws up and i'm supposed to just "get over it" and move on. I feel like he once again can't stand to pay the consequences for his actions. IDK I feel broken, sad, and angry.
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Old 03-29-2016, 07:50 AM
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I don't understand why he screws up and i'm supposed to just "get over it" and move on. I feel like he once again can't stand to pay the consequences for his actions.
I think you answered your question.............

We have been together for about 13 years and have two children. I have struggled with him through his addiction, in and out of rehabs.
I'm not saying it was wrong to stick by him for 13 years but he's also learned in that 13 years that he does things and you forgive and life just goes on.

I'd say his flirting has little to do with you just like his addiction has nothing to do with. He's in early recovery and my best guess, he's looking for that "instant fix" to make himself feel better.

Now that being said, you have voiced your hurt to him about this now wait and see if anything else gets revealed or if he'll actually respect your feelings and stops doing it.
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Old 03-29-2016, 07:55 AM
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Now with this new doubt in my head.. I feel the need to "search" for more. It is crazy.. just like I would search through his car for evidence of using. This feeling sucks. Even if there is nothing more... it takes me right back to the dope head dance where I'm trying to piece things together to get the full "story".
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Old 03-29-2016, 08:20 AM
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Do what you have to do until you finally realize that it is you that has to come to terms with he is doing. His behavior will not change. He will not change. You will change by deciding not to respond like you did so many times before. The power is yours. Don't give it to someone who only cares about himself. Take control or you will go crazy being powerless. Stop the insanity. You deserve better. I wish you all good things. Especially self-respect so no one will bring you down.
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Old 03-29-2016, 08:47 AM
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This feeling sucks. Even if there is nothing more... it takes me right back to the dope head dance where I'm trying to piece things together to get the full "story".
That “sucky feeling” may fade, it may take a back seat when they are showing actual healthy behaviors of recovery but it’s always going to be there.

Sadly, that is life loving an addict.
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Old 03-29-2016, 09:44 AM
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Dopehead dance...so well put and so very true! Getting pieces of information and being expected to read the addict's mind. I was guilty of it and can remember quite a few of my "friends" using such tactics manipulately to gain control.

For me flirting with nearly every woman I encountered was part of my insecurity, which helped fueled the need to drink more or throw more drugs into myself. The more I drank/smoked/snorted, the more insecure I got, the more insecure I got, the more I drank/smoked/snorted...
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