Need help for myself
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Maryland
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Need help for myself
Thought about hitting an Alanon meeting today but it dawned upon me that my alcoholic ex is long gone out of my life. However, I have many stressors in my life right now that I am trying to manage. I'm finishing up my degree, working part time, barely affording anything, baby on the way, and my baby's father (my boyfriend) just had his one night stand baby born this morning. Not going to lie, that was the most tough pill to swallow- seeing a picture of his newborn on social media, and one night stand bashing him for not being at the birth. He plans to be in this baby's life and I can't help but feel jealous.... And most of all, very angry. I'm trying to let go of some of this anger. I pray to my higher power to allow me to manage all of this stress a bit better. I hope everything pans out, but in the meantime, do you guys have any suggestions on how to handle this?? It's not an alcoholic situation but it is an unmanageable (at the moment) situation and my "fix it now" mind wants it all figured out. Will I still benefit from Alanon? Or should I try coda meetings? I kind of am willing to try anything at this point to flush away the anger and resentment.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Red, I am sorry for the stress you are under. Hugs my friend. Here is my go to saying when I feel like my life is out of control. I hope it helps.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I recommend Alanon because it is a codependency issue. While you're no longer with him he is living rent-free in your head. Alanon saved my sanity by helping me let go emotionally of a disastrous relationship and not pick another alcoholic. The biggest benefit was the support of people who had already walked in my shoes. A big hug, I promise it gets better.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Red, these are indeed tough things you are dealing with. I would say try both a Coda and an Alanon meeting; there are times in life you need to circle every wagon you can find and this sure sounds like one of them.
I hope you keep posting and we will keep trying to support you.
I hope you keep posting and we will keep trying to support you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Maryland
Posts: 178
I don't have a therapist. I wouldn't mind looking for one, though. I just need help... I need someone to constantly remind me that everything is okay. I cry nonstop. Can't even get thru a grocery store trip or work without crying. I'm crying now. I just am irrational in the mind right now and I know it. Hoping its temporary.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by RedDog735 
I don't have a therapist. I wouldn't mind looking for one, though. I just need help... I need someone to constantly remind me that everything is okay. I cry nonstop. Can't even get thru a grocery store trip or work without crying. I'm crying now. I just am irrational in the mind right now and I know it. Hoping its temporary.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Red, Here are another lines to think about.....
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, its not the end!!
No one ever said doing the right thing was ever going to feel good, Most of the time, it sucks. But sometimes, we don't have a choice...
Stop second guessing tomorrow!
I was told so many times that it simply wasn't*necessary*for me to understand things; I just needed to*accept*them.
You might recite the Serenity Prayer. I would say it a million times a day when I was living with AXH.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, its not the end!!
No one ever said doing the right thing was ever going to feel good, Most of the time, it sucks. But sometimes, we don't have a choice...
Stop second guessing tomorrow!
I was told so many times that it simply wasn't*necessary*for me to understand things; I just needed to*accept*them.
You might recite the Serenity Prayer. I would say it a million times a day when I was living with AXH.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Good golly miss molly, but what a yuck yuck situation you're in. I'd be crying a lot too if I were in your shoes. Do you have anyone in your life right now such as family or friends who can be there to support you? Does your Dr. know what kind of stress you are under? If not, I would let him/her know and they might be able to get you hooked up with some help specifically for your situation. For now, sending you a big hug and positive vibes. Take the very best care of you and baby that you possibly can and get through one day at a time; one moment at a time.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
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Hello red dog,
It's OK to be upset. There is a lifelong reminder now of his infidelity.
So you cannot control him, social media, and the other mom.
But you can take care of yourself by focusing on your health, your schooling, and your situation. That is your hula hoop. Every time you step out of that sphere, you need to turn around and get back IN Your circle of control.
You might decide you are too busy for social medial. Life goes on whether or not you are on those platforms. I highly recommend a counselor. your school might have a resource center? I don't know what your health insurance is like, but that is another option.
Take care of you and the baby. Hugs red dog.
It's OK to be upset. There is a lifelong reminder now of his infidelity.
So you cannot control him, social media, and the other mom.
But you can take care of yourself by focusing on your health, your schooling, and your situation. That is your hula hoop. Every time you step out of that sphere, you need to turn around and get back IN Your circle of control.
You might decide you are too busy for social medial. Life goes on whether or not you are on those platforms. I highly recommend a counselor. your school might have a resource center? I don't know what your health insurance is like, but that is another option.
Take care of you and the baby. Hugs red dog.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I agree with everyone - and don't discount the effects of your hormones at this crazy changing time your body is going through!! I'd add talking to your actual doctor in that list of circling wagons! Anything to take care of yourself through this!!
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RedDog......I suggest that you give coda a try, I say that because your own issues could well have been there way before you had these men in your life,
Nothing against alanon, of course, but you might find coda more soecific, right now. As was suggested, above....nothing wrong with having both as a support to you.....
Do you think that feeling angry, resentful, and crying all the time is "irrational".
Actually, I don't agree with you that you are irrational....but, I do understand how verrry painful this must be.
It is normal to feel the way you do....I know that I would!!!
Not to mention the effect of pregnancy hormones, also.....
I second CodeJob's idea of focusing on the things that are the most important to your life and welfare, right now....Yourself, your baby and your studies.
These are your responsibilities in your life...and, the decisions you make and the actions that you take I n regard to these will determine what your future life will be like.......
His other baby and the other woman will be a part of his ongoing life.......
You will eventually decide if you can or want to handle that in your relationship or not.......He will always be connected to you, in some fashion, through your child. You will have to decide whether that be living together or as just co-parenting adults of your own child.....
I do agree to get all the help you can get....now. Coda, alanon, therapist is a good combination. As sparkleKitty said---it will be much easier to get it all set up now than after the baby is born......
dandylion
Nothing against alanon, of course, but you might find coda more soecific, right now. As was suggested, above....nothing wrong with having both as a support to you.....
Do you think that feeling angry, resentful, and crying all the time is "irrational".
Actually, I don't agree with you that you are irrational....but, I do understand how verrry painful this must be.
It is normal to feel the way you do....I know that I would!!!
Not to mention the effect of pregnancy hormones, also.....
I second CodeJob's idea of focusing on the things that are the most important to your life and welfare, right now....Yourself, your baby and your studies.
These are your responsibilities in your life...and, the decisions you make and the actions that you take I n regard to these will determine what your future life will be like.......
His other baby and the other woman will be a part of his ongoing life.......
You will eventually decide if you can or want to handle that in your relationship or not.......He will always be connected to you, in some fashion, through your child. You will have to decide whether that be living together or as just co-parenting adults of your own child.....
I do agree to get all the help you can get....now. Coda, alanon, therapist is a good combination. As sparkleKitty said---it will be much easier to get it all set up now than after the baby is born......
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
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I don't have any experience with this website but found it/read about it on a different site.
https://www.betterhelp.com/
You might find it helpful.
https://www.betterhelp.com/
You might find it helpful.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Reddog-
It was my husband's affair that finally got me into Al-anon. His drinking that had been the elephant in the room for years that I did not want to look at I was finally willing to address when the affair came to light.
I live in a remote area and if I had access to CODA that may have been a better fit, but honestly Al-Anon helped me to heal from both alcohol and the affair. It especially helped me to figure out what was mine, and what was not.....and how to detach from both the affair stuff and the alcohol stuff, eventually in a loving way.
I had a therapist through it all who was a big help too but I just wanted to say how much Al-anon helped also on non-alcohol things. I believe it helped because it was for me, my healing and the tools I needed to do this successfully.
Also there is affair specific help out there similar to this site for recovery from addiction. The one called Surviving Infidelity especially has specific areas for people that have not only had to heal from an affair but when a child is born as a result of the affair.
It was my husband's affair that finally got me into Al-anon. His drinking that had been the elephant in the room for years that I did not want to look at I was finally willing to address when the affair came to light.
I live in a remote area and if I had access to CODA that may have been a better fit, but honestly Al-Anon helped me to heal from both alcohol and the affair. It especially helped me to figure out what was mine, and what was not.....and how to detach from both the affair stuff and the alcohol stuff, eventually in a loving way.
I had a therapist through it all who was a big help too but I just wanted to say how much Al-anon helped also on non-alcohol things. I believe it helped because it was for me, my healing and the tools I needed to do this successfully.
Also there is affair specific help out there similar to this site for recovery from addiction. The one called Surviving Infidelity especially has specific areas for people that have not only had to heal from an affair but when a child is born as a result of the affair.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
I think its weird the One Nighter expected him to be at the birth. Take some deep breaths and give it some time to get settled.
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Thank you all- honestly you guys have said some great things that were reassuring to hear. I appreciate all of the feedback I have received. Might go to a meeting tonight. The more I stay occupied, the less I worry/think..
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Well I am glad to provide a laugh, you asked for advise, and I gave none, but I will now.
What I advise is to open yourself up to the idea of compassion toward this woman, and bridging a relationship with her as she has just given birth to your child's sibling and your partners child. I think some are misinformed about this situation, your BF did not cheat on you. This child was conceived before you met him. The pregnancy was discovered after you had met him, and embarked on a relationship. You chose to proceed with him when you had little investment. Your choice and zero judgment there.
I do understand how you feel about seeing pics and that you don't appreciate her "bashing" him for not being at the birth. I must say that I also see things from her side. She is joyful, of course she will post pics. I am unsure to what benefit it serves her to mention the father was not at the birth. Nor do I know what should have been - should he have been there at the birth of his child? Probably. See the child has zip to do with this. The child did not choose this circumstance. The child is innocent. Yet it is the child that will suffer if the parents and significant others cannot find a way to navigate this situation in a healthy manner.
I hear you that he intends on supporting the child and having a relationship. What does that look like to you? Is it just monetary? Monetary with some visitation?
The onus of child rearing falls on the female. its easy to write a check. its easy to spend a couple of hours a week with a baby. It in no way evens out the responsibility that the mother of this baby will have vs. the responsibility your BF will have. It is she who won't sleep, she who will be exhausted, she who will be out of work, she who will have to "figure it all out". Not him. Unless, he steps up - and he should. No one should be in a "love" relationship because of a baby. In turn, the female shouldn't be left to figure it all out, but that's what normally happens. They chose to have unprotected sex then poof! The baby becomes 90% the woman's responsibility and 10% the mans. Its acceptable in the public's eye, its not acceptable in mine.
So consider making this person and her child a part of your family. Make her an ally rather than enemy. You are family, her child is your child's sibling. Support each other. Work through it and turn a negative into a positive. It can be done.
What I advise is to open yourself up to the idea of compassion toward this woman, and bridging a relationship with her as she has just given birth to your child's sibling and your partners child. I think some are misinformed about this situation, your BF did not cheat on you. This child was conceived before you met him. The pregnancy was discovered after you had met him, and embarked on a relationship. You chose to proceed with him when you had little investment. Your choice and zero judgment there.
I do understand how you feel about seeing pics and that you don't appreciate her "bashing" him for not being at the birth. I must say that I also see things from her side. She is joyful, of course she will post pics. I am unsure to what benefit it serves her to mention the father was not at the birth. Nor do I know what should have been - should he have been there at the birth of his child? Probably. See the child has zip to do with this. The child did not choose this circumstance. The child is innocent. Yet it is the child that will suffer if the parents and significant others cannot find a way to navigate this situation in a healthy manner.
I hear you that he intends on supporting the child and having a relationship. What does that look like to you? Is it just monetary? Monetary with some visitation?
The onus of child rearing falls on the female. its easy to write a check. its easy to spend a couple of hours a week with a baby. It in no way evens out the responsibility that the mother of this baby will have vs. the responsibility your BF will have. It is she who won't sleep, she who will be exhausted, she who will be out of work, she who will have to "figure it all out". Not him. Unless, he steps up - and he should. No one should be in a "love" relationship because of a baby. In turn, the female shouldn't be left to figure it all out, but that's what normally happens. They chose to have unprotected sex then poof! The baby becomes 90% the woman's responsibility and 10% the mans. Its acceptable in the public's eye, its not acceptable in mine.
So consider making this person and her child a part of your family. Make her an ally rather than enemy. You are family, her child is your child's sibling. Support each other. Work through it and turn a negative into a positive. It can be done.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hmmm. Well this is interesting news Red.
Well, here's a podcast that has really been killing it on how to be a mature grown up in lots of really despairing situations. I highly recommend listening to the 3/25 episode of Dear Sugar which is Tale of the Wicked Stepmother. They have an amazing expert on the show who debunks a lot of mythology about being a stepmother that might help you get your head in a better place - especially since you chose this man with his complicated situation.
Dear Sugar Radio | WBUR
Take care.
Well, here's a podcast that has really been killing it on how to be a mature grown up in lots of really despairing situations. I highly recommend listening to the 3/25 episode of Dear Sugar which is Tale of the Wicked Stepmother. They have an amazing expert on the show who debunks a lot of mythology about being a stepmother that might help you get your head in a better place - especially since you chose this man with his complicated situation.
Dear Sugar Radio | WBUR
Take care.
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