Integration vs Letting Go
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Integration vs Letting Go
As I was doing my meditation this AM, the instructions were to breathe a 4-count in, pause for 4 counts, breathe a 4-count out, pause for 4 counts and repeat the cycle. As I did this, I was having increasing difficulty breathing in. I tried to notice the source of this and found that A) I was holding my belly rigid and B) I never really emptied all the breath from my lungs when I breathed out, so I was less and less able to take a full breath in.
I then remembered, several years ago when I was learning to swim, that I had a similar problem--I'd get short of breath not b/c I was timing the in-breaths wrong and getting water or some other problem, I simply didn't empty my lungs when breathing out and eventually couldn't get a full enough breath in.
SO--I then began to apply this to my life. No one who knows my story will be shocked to hear that I have a hard time letting go and moving on. But yet I feel there needs to be a balance between keeping the lessons we've learned in the past and making that fresh start when it's time to do so. Chopping off the old, utterly and completely, and pasting in the new seems wrong, somehow. Even the AA Promises say "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." I need to breathe OUT in order to get a full breath IN, but it's hard to let all the air out...
And that brings me to my title, "Integration vs Letting Go." And I know it's not really a "versus", it's a matter of degree...
Does anyone have any thoughts they'd care to share about what's healthy, what's not, how to know the difference, or any other related topic?
I then remembered, several years ago when I was learning to swim, that I had a similar problem--I'd get short of breath not b/c I was timing the in-breaths wrong and getting water or some other problem, I simply didn't empty my lungs when breathing out and eventually couldn't get a full enough breath in.
SO--I then began to apply this to my life. No one who knows my story will be shocked to hear that I have a hard time letting go and moving on. But yet I feel there needs to be a balance between keeping the lessons we've learned in the past and making that fresh start when it's time to do so. Chopping off the old, utterly and completely, and pasting in the new seems wrong, somehow. Even the AA Promises say "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." I need to breathe OUT in order to get a full breath IN, but it's hard to let all the air out...
And that brings me to my title, "Integration vs Letting Go." And I know it's not really a "versus", it's a matter of degree...
Does anyone have any thoughts they'd care to share about what's healthy, what's not, how to know the difference, or any other related topic?
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I am struggling with this very topic a lot lately.
Thirteen years ago, I entered intense therapy to deal with my codependency and utter lack of self-esteem. Five years later, my therapist and decided it was best for me to move on from therapy and see what it was like to deal with life on life's terms without the net of therapy.
Six years later, we started up again because it was finally time for me to deal with another lifelong issue: compulsive eating, and the tagalong eating disorder and body dysmorphia that went with it. At first it felt like a failure to have to come back to therapy after so long, but then I realized I was right where I should be, at the right time. That everything happens when it is supposed to (and usually, in the right order).
In some ways, dealing with a food addiction is ten times tougher than dealing with codependency and control issues, and other addictions. For one thing, I can't quit cold turkey (no food pun intended there). I wish I could.
I have spent a lot of the last year and half beating myself up for not being able to figure this out. For trying to accept myself as-is while still subconsciously trying to lose weight. For saying I was going to try something and then undermining myself at every step. For self-policing. For not being mindful. For failing, over and over, to make better choices in the moment that I needed to make them. For being lazy, for being obstinate. I have found a million reasons to make myself feel bad. I have shamed myself over and over for knowing what is healthy and yet not being able to choose it.
And just recently I realized the only thing I need to do, really, is let go of shaming myself for any reason.
I am a human being, complicated and imperfect. I am not always going to know what's healthy and what's not, but I will never learn to tell the difference if I don't try things and see what happens. Staying open-minded and letting go of this ridiculously harsh self-judgment may not make me 120 pounds again, but it may make me realize that being 120 pounds again is not what makes me happy. Being accepting of myself and all that I entail does.
So I guess, HP...sometimes you're going to let the air out. Sometimes you aren't. The more you do, the easier and more natural it will become. Whatever you do, or don't do, you're still perfectly beautiful, perfectly brave, perfectly perfect -- in all your imperfections and humanity, and you are still worthy of love and happiness.
xoxo, SK
Thirteen years ago, I entered intense therapy to deal with my codependency and utter lack of self-esteem. Five years later, my therapist and decided it was best for me to move on from therapy and see what it was like to deal with life on life's terms without the net of therapy.
Six years later, we started up again because it was finally time for me to deal with another lifelong issue: compulsive eating, and the tagalong eating disorder and body dysmorphia that went with it. At first it felt like a failure to have to come back to therapy after so long, but then I realized I was right where I should be, at the right time. That everything happens when it is supposed to (and usually, in the right order).
In some ways, dealing with a food addiction is ten times tougher than dealing with codependency and control issues, and other addictions. For one thing, I can't quit cold turkey (no food pun intended there). I wish I could.
I have spent a lot of the last year and half beating myself up for not being able to figure this out. For trying to accept myself as-is while still subconsciously trying to lose weight. For saying I was going to try something and then undermining myself at every step. For self-policing. For not being mindful. For failing, over and over, to make better choices in the moment that I needed to make them. For being lazy, for being obstinate. I have found a million reasons to make myself feel bad. I have shamed myself over and over for knowing what is healthy and yet not being able to choose it.
And just recently I realized the only thing I need to do, really, is let go of shaming myself for any reason.
I am a human being, complicated and imperfect. I am not always going to know what's healthy and what's not, but I will never learn to tell the difference if I don't try things and see what happens. Staying open-minded and letting go of this ridiculously harsh self-judgment may not make me 120 pounds again, but it may make me realize that being 120 pounds again is not what makes me happy. Being accepting of myself and all that I entail does.
So I guess, HP...sometimes you're going to let the air out. Sometimes you aren't. The more you do, the easier and more natural it will become. Whatever you do, or don't do, you're still perfectly beautiful, perfectly brave, perfectly perfect -- in all your imperfections and humanity, and you are still worthy of love and happiness.
xoxo, SK
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I have had that exact experience while "trying to breathe" & it can almost induce panic if I'm not careful. It freaks me out a bit when I see that my mind & body are completely disconnecting like that - despite my intent to do quite the opposite. Usually, the harder I try to force it, the farther away I get from it too. It's almost always a sign that I'm not REALLY in the Right Now - my mind is probably future-tripping in some way or caught in an old loop from earlier in the day. If I am fighting that feeling during a yoga session, I'll wobble & fall with every other pose, every time.
Sometimes I think we hold on to stuff because we're afraid that we'll "forget" our pain/fear/lesson. It's not the same as when we share an experience with others - then we talk it out openly, we reminisce or discuss the events/memories & become both bonded & freed by the ability to share it. I've heard older clients lament that losing all of their loved ones really makes them cling to their memories more because with no one left to reminisce with, it's almost as if those things never happened.... not only are they no longer having those conversations, but the person that shared the experience no longer exists physically.
We can't share our personal damage most of the time, not even with bothers or sisters or spouses. I think we "hold on" as a way of having a one-person conversation to remind us it was real & we won't make that same mistake again. Which - to me, implies fear that WITHOUT those constant reminders, we would somehow be doomed to repeat those mistakes. I also think confidence plays a part - I have to believe myself to be weak enough to fall for it again/etc.
So yes, I think holding on = an act stemming from fear. Personally, I can admit that when I look at this in my own life, those fears almost always come heavily laced with things like Shame & Exposure. (better known as vulnerability, ha)
When I AM able to successfully Let Go, it feels exactly like SK described:
Sometimes I think we hold on to stuff because we're afraid that we'll "forget" our pain/fear/lesson. It's not the same as when we share an experience with others - then we talk it out openly, we reminisce or discuss the events/memories & become both bonded & freed by the ability to share it. I've heard older clients lament that losing all of their loved ones really makes them cling to their memories more because with no one left to reminisce with, it's almost as if those things never happened.... not only are they no longer having those conversations, but the person that shared the experience no longer exists physically.
We can't share our personal damage most of the time, not even with bothers or sisters or spouses. I think we "hold on" as a way of having a one-person conversation to remind us it was real & we won't make that same mistake again. Which - to me, implies fear that WITHOUT those constant reminders, we would somehow be doomed to repeat those mistakes. I also think confidence plays a part - I have to believe myself to be weak enough to fall for it again/etc.
So yes, I think holding on = an act stemming from fear. Personally, I can admit that when I look at this in my own life, those fears almost always come heavily laced with things like Shame & Exposure. (better known as vulnerability, ha)
When I AM able to successfully Let Go, it feels exactly like SK described:
.......then I realized I was right where I should be, at the right time. That everything happens when it is supposed to (and usually, in the right order).
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Wonderful and insightful feedback.
What came to mind as I read your post HP is a very visceral reaction that I experience when in fear, terror or strong emotion.
They often talk about the fight/flight response, but there is another one out there called freeze that I find I experience more than fight/flight.
It is the deer in the headlights, the rabbit trying to be so still it is not seen. For me in times of stress I tighten (especially my hips), usually I hold my breath, and my eyes begin to dart back and forth trying to figure out where the danger is coming. I am trying to desperately not be seen to make myself small and invisible.
Often it coincides with not only holding my breath in, but trying to hold all those big scary emotions that I hate so much in too.
I am an avid Master's swimmer (over the age of 19 is all that means). I have had to allow myself to NOT participate in the hold your breath swimming practices that they ask me to do, because I have truly come close to full on panic.
As I have gotten more grounded in recovery when I can let go it is easier to breath and I can actual feel relaxation (it used to feel so force). Body centered therapy has helped immensely in teaching me to ground myself in these moments and to not panic. What has helped me is getting concrete....can I feel my butt in the chair or my feet on the ground?
In the big picture being more comfortable with emotions has allowed me to be more comfortable when the emotions come up....and to not hold my breath so much.
Getting insight for me that freezing is a common physiological reaction was really helpful too. It helped to normalize my life experience.
What came to mind as I read your post HP is a very visceral reaction that I experience when in fear, terror or strong emotion.
They often talk about the fight/flight response, but there is another one out there called freeze that I find I experience more than fight/flight.
It is the deer in the headlights, the rabbit trying to be so still it is not seen. For me in times of stress I tighten (especially my hips), usually I hold my breath, and my eyes begin to dart back and forth trying to figure out where the danger is coming. I am trying to desperately not be seen to make myself small and invisible.
Often it coincides with not only holding my breath in, but trying to hold all those big scary emotions that I hate so much in too.
I am an avid Master's swimmer (over the age of 19 is all that means). I have had to allow myself to NOT participate in the hold your breath swimming practices that they ask me to do, because I have truly come close to full on panic.
As I have gotten more grounded in recovery when I can let go it is easier to breath and I can actual feel relaxation (it used to feel so force). Body centered therapy has helped immensely in teaching me to ground myself in these moments and to not panic. What has helped me is getting concrete....can I feel my butt in the chair or my feet on the ground?
In the big picture being more comfortable with emotions has allowed me to be more comfortable when the emotions come up....and to not hold my breath so much.
Getting insight for me that freezing is a common physiological reaction was really helpful too. It helped to normalize my life experience.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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FireSprite and LifeRecovery, thanks for the posts--I know it's not easy to just toss a stock answer out for a thread like this and I really appreciate the time and effort that go into the replies.
FS, I agree, I feel there is a certain "Brene Brown" aspect to this, along the lines of what she had to say about "practicing for disaster." If I carry the past around with me, then things won't be able to take me by surprise, right? I'll always be prepared and I'll never feel hurt/scared/abandoned/whatever ever again. And we know that is just a waste of now, today...
The meditation I was doing was "to release unhealthy patterns", and during the guided portion of it, mention was made several times of letting go of rigidity and letting life/energy flow freely. One of the things I've begun to realize is that, while I'm a good organizer and attentive to detail, there is a time and a place for that. Too much of it and I become rigid, caught up in minutiae, unable to see or enjoy the larger picture. It turns into control--not useful.
This ^^ rang so very, very true for me, FS--thank you for this. I'm certain that fear and lack of confidence, lack of belief that I've really and truly learned my lesson and really know better, play a major part in my struggles w/letting go.
LR, thanks for sharing about your breathing and body issues. About 12 or 13 years ago, I was working thru childhood SA issues and I'd often find myself feeling panicky and like I couldn't breathe. It wasn't that I couldn't breathe, it was that I simply wasn't. I would be doing what you describe--sitting hunched up, muscles tight, belly rigid, breathing so shallowly I'd feel dizzy. For the most part, this has gone away, but it does still come up at times. What I felt yesterday and while learning to swim was not the same in intensity, but now that you mention it, it was certainly similar in quality.
Again, thanks for your input, everyone. This is one of the reasons I love SR--where else could I bring something like this up and get such helpful responses from differing viewpoints?
FS, I agree, I feel there is a certain "Brene Brown" aspect to this, along the lines of what she had to say about "practicing for disaster." If I carry the past around with me, then things won't be able to take me by surprise, right? I'll always be prepared and I'll never feel hurt/scared/abandoned/whatever ever again. And we know that is just a waste of now, today...
The meditation I was doing was "to release unhealthy patterns", and during the guided portion of it, mention was made several times of letting go of rigidity and letting life/energy flow freely. One of the things I've begun to realize is that, while I'm a good organizer and attentive to detail, there is a time and a place for that. Too much of it and I become rigid, caught up in minutiae, unable to see or enjoy the larger picture. It turns into control--not useful.
I think we "hold on" as a way of having a one-person conversation to remind us it was real & we won't make that same mistake again. Which - to me, implies fear that WITHOUT those constant reminders, we would somehow be doomed to repeat those mistakes. I also think confidence plays a part - I have to believe myself to be weak enough to fall for it again/etc.
LR, thanks for sharing about your breathing and body issues. About 12 or 13 years ago, I was working thru childhood SA issues and I'd often find myself feeling panicky and like I couldn't breathe. It wasn't that I couldn't breathe, it was that I simply wasn't. I would be doing what you describe--sitting hunched up, muscles tight, belly rigid, breathing so shallowly I'd feel dizzy. For the most part, this has gone away, but it does still come up at times. What I felt yesterday and while learning to swim was not the same in intensity, but now that you mention it, it was certainly similar in quality.
Again, thanks for your input, everyone. This is one of the reasons I love SR--where else could I bring something like this up and get such helpful responses from differing viewpoints?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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It IS a difficult topic, very intangible & not something I could even foresee relating to when I was starting down this recovery road. Thanks for this thread, honey - it gave me a lot of food for thought over the last couple of days.
I think that I couldn't get to THIS place until I cleared away a lot of the other, more "surface" damage.
Like clearing cobwebs - I had to peel away those external layers first. With that out of the way - completely - I CAN finally see & focus on this kind of stuff. The whole picture changed for me when I got to this point, everything in my perspective shifted.
When I was existing in between crisis moments or always going along for the ride vs. driving the train I was doing little more than that - simply existing.
Now I'm active in cultivating my Self in a way I never have been before.
I think that I couldn't get to THIS place until I cleared away a lot of the other, more "surface" damage.
Like clearing cobwebs - I had to peel away those external layers first. With that out of the way - completely - I CAN finally see & focus on this kind of stuff. The whole picture changed for me when I got to this point, everything in my perspective shifted.
When I was existing in between crisis moments or always going along for the ride vs. driving the train I was doing little more than that - simply existing.
Now I'm active in cultivating my Self in a way I never have been before.
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