Suicide
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 215
Suicide
I have to get something off my chest. No one around me seems to understand the extent to which my best friend's death has affected me, and I feel that getting over it is the single greatest barrier I have to overcome before I can be relatively happy in sobriety. It's been 4 months since it happened, so the initial feelings of shock and anger have subsided. Now all I feel is surreal loneliness and despair. This is a familiar place for me to be in.
A couple days after I found out my friend died, I ended up in the psych ward under suicide watch for seven days. The hospital trip caused me to miss my friend's funeral, and he was cremated, so it's as though he disappeared off the face of the earth. I had another best friend just disappear from my life a decade ago because I was in a psychiatric hospital when she died, and it took me years to feel myself again, and have the inclination to interact with people after that.
I don't know how to deal with this again. My mind is already a mess from so many years of depression and self-destruction. The night before he died, my friend sent me a text that was so funny, tears were running down my face. Then a few days later, tears were flowing again for the opposite reason.
I don't feel guilty. I don't consider myself an enabler so to speak, however I would feel like a hypocrite for trying to convince my friends to stop harming themselves, when I've done the same for my entire life. I never told them it was hurting me, because it was mutual, and I knew that nothing I could say would make a difference. All I could do was lend was an ear, or a shoulder.
Anyway, I'm on day 10, and it's getting harder to face whatever my version of reality is. This is the longest I've been sober for in over a year, so I remember now what I hated about being sober.
A couple days after I found out my friend died, I ended up in the psych ward under suicide watch for seven days. The hospital trip caused me to miss my friend's funeral, and he was cremated, so it's as though he disappeared off the face of the earth. I had another best friend just disappear from my life a decade ago because I was in a psychiatric hospital when she died, and it took me years to feel myself again, and have the inclination to interact with people after that.
I don't know how to deal with this again. My mind is already a mess from so many years of depression and self-destruction. The night before he died, my friend sent me a text that was so funny, tears were running down my face. Then a few days later, tears were flowing again for the opposite reason.
I don't feel guilty. I don't consider myself an enabler so to speak, however I would feel like a hypocrite for trying to convince my friends to stop harming themselves, when I've done the same for my entire life. I never told them it was hurting me, because it was mutual, and I knew that nothing I could say would make a difference. All I could do was lend was an ear, or a shoulder.
Anyway, I'm on day 10, and it's getting harder to face whatever my version of reality is. This is the longest I've been sober for in over a year, so I remember now what I hated about being sober.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
I'm so sorry about your loss. Sounds like you've endured more pain than any human being should have to go through. I don't handle loss well, as I get quite attached to people and things.
Saying goodbye to someone cherished is one of the worst things about being on this planet.
Everyone has to go through it and you're certainly not alone. There's another section below on this board for Grief and Loss that you might be interested in.
Drinking only numbs for a while then when sobered up all the grief is still there. I think drinking only drags out the healing process.
You said no one knows the extent of pain you feel over this. Is there anyone else in your life you can share with?
You'll certainly find support here, too, and people who understand.
Saying goodbye to someone cherished is one of the worst things about being on this planet.
Everyone has to go through it and you're certainly not alone. There's another section below on this board for Grief and Loss that you might be interested in.
Drinking only numbs for a while then when sobered up all the grief is still there. I think drinking only drags out the healing process.
You said no one knows the extent of pain you feel over this. Is there anyone else in your life you can share with?
You'll certainly find support here, too, and people who understand.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I've lost friends & a cousin to suicide I completely relate with the sense of loss but I know deeply in my heart they wouldn't want me hurting it's not that I don't think about it I try to remember them and the times we shared in the meantime grief counseling might help you I'm looking into that myself because every now & then it really gets to me
Your doing great on double digits keep up the hard work & pm if you ever want to talk
Your doing great on double digits keep up the hard work & pm if you ever want to talk
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 397
I'm sorry for your loss of your best friend, and other friend 10 yrs ago. I have lost friends too, mostly to alcoholism, at young ages, including a boyfriend 6 yrs ago. I don't know if it was suicide, his family said it was heart failure, which either way was from a slow suicide of chronic alcohol abuse. I wound up in treatment a month after that happened. For my own alcoholism.
It takes time to not be so sad over this. I did reach a point where I can smile when I think of him instead of feel devastated. I miss him, but I also know he wasn't happy in this life, and is now at peace. I have had dreams in which he looks great, so happy and healthy.
Big hugs to you. Dealing with death sober seems hard at first but is actually a lot easier in the long run. Because when a person is drunk, they are not really dealing with the death. It prolongs the misery.
Congrats on your 10 days. Keep it up!
It takes time to not be so sad over this. I did reach a point where I can smile when I think of him instead of feel devastated. I miss him, but I also know he wasn't happy in this life, and is now at peace. I have had dreams in which he looks great, so happy and healthy.
Big hugs to you. Dealing with death sober seems hard at first but is actually a lot easier in the long run. Because when a person is drunk, they are not really dealing with the death. It prolongs the misery.
Congrats on your 10 days. Keep it up!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 215
I know a mutual friend of ours, but she often disappears for months, or years at a time. I was in contact with her for a few weeks after the funeral, however she's missing again.
I agree that drinking only prolongs the inevitable. What I liked about him was that he wasn't just interested in the same subjects as I was, and had the same educational background, but we had a similar subjective experience throughout our lives. His struggles were my struggles. He was always there to listen, and offer support, or advice. He wasn't full of empty words, and false optimism either, he was very objective and realistic. He called me his long-lost cousin a couple times. I felt the same way.
I don't know if I'm actually depressed, or if it's part of grief, or the lack of alcohol, but I feel trapped. Since I got out of the hospital, I've just been going through motions every day. I don't even know if the sadness is amounting to anything because I feel the same every day. If I just stay in bed and cry today, will that make tomorrow any easier?
I agree that drinking only prolongs the inevitable. What I liked about him was that he wasn't just interested in the same subjects as I was, and had the same educational background, but we had a similar subjective experience throughout our lives. His struggles were my struggles. He was always there to listen, and offer support, or advice. He wasn't full of empty words, and false optimism either, he was very objective and realistic. He called me his long-lost cousin a couple times. I felt the same way.
I don't know if I'm actually depressed, or if it's part of grief, or the lack of alcohol, but I feel trapped. Since I got out of the hospital, I've just been going through motions every day. I don't even know if the sadness is amounting to anything because I feel the same every day. If I just stay in bed and cry today, will that make tomorrow any easier?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Have you looked into support groups for grief, either in person or online?
No one should go through what you are and certainly not alone. Grieving is the hardest thing I've ever done and it's been my pets that have clobbered me most. Finding others who were going through the same process was a big help.
Sending you a big hug.
No one should go through what you are and certainly not alone. Grieving is the hardest thing I've ever done and it's been my pets that have clobbered me most. Finding others who were going through the same process was a big help.
Sending you a big hug.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I'm very sorry for your loss and I'm sure it's hard to deal with it, especially when you missed the funeral. Maybe you could go to a place where you and your friend used to spend time, and just sit and pass some time. I hope that you can find some peace. Congratulations on 10 days sober.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Sorry for your horrible loss.
Thank God my family hasn't had anyone kill themselves, but i have learned a lot about it over time.
I can relate to wanting to drink because that is how we've always dealt w sad times.
But, waking up each day sober and strong is a gift we can't give up.
Your friend would not want you to relapse because of him. Right?
Thank God my family hasn't had anyone kill themselves, but i have learned a lot about it over time.
I can relate to wanting to drink because that is how we've always dealt w sad times.
But, waking up each day sober and strong is a gift we can't give up.
Your friend would not want you to relapse because of him. Right?
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
P.s. depending on how hard you drank....you know that you are just now getting clean..
The anxiety and crave are going to ramp up..fight it for life..
On top of all of our strengths and weakness, we are addicts....
There is no mystery...we have to fight to overcome our addiction to booze.
The anxiety and crave are going to ramp up..fight it for life..
On top of all of our strengths and weakness, we are addicts....
There is no mystery...we have to fight to overcome our addiction to booze.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm really sorry for your loss Vulturine.
Sounds like you need some closure?
I really like Anna's idea. I've also heard of people releasing a balloon today goodbye, or writing a note to your friend, making a donation to charity for them...
I really believe that friends never really die while there's someone to remember them. There are many meaningful ways to say goodbye
D
Sounds like you need some closure?
I really like Anna's idea. I've also heard of people releasing a balloon today goodbye, or writing a note to your friend, making a donation to charity for them...
I really believe that friends never really die while there's someone to remember them. There are many meaningful ways to say goodbye
D
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I don't know if it will help but as many here know I lost my daughter to cancer 1.5 years ago.
You can do an advanced search for my screen name with the keyword daughter. You can read the difference phases of my grief which are still on going. Did I handle things well? I have no idea but I didn't drink.
My heart goes out to you. Death sucks, grief sucks, but what is far worse is active addiction. The road you face is not an easy one but it can be done.
Prayers going out to you and those who loved him
You can do an advanced search for my screen name with the keyword daughter. You can read the difference phases of my grief which are still on going. Did I handle things well? I have no idea but I didn't drink.
My heart goes out to you. Death sucks, grief sucks, but what is far worse is active addiction. The road you face is not an easy one but it can be done.
Prayers going out to you and those who loved him
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,335
I'm sorry for the unexpected death of your friend. Often church's and funeral homes, make audio recordings of the service, so you could inquire, if you feel this would give you some closure.
Creating a ritual can be comforting, lighting a candle and journaling your thoughts. Spring is here, think about planting a tree / plant, in both your friend's memory.
Creating a ritual can be comforting, lighting a candle and journaling your thoughts. Spring is here, think about planting a tree / plant, in both your friend's memory.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by MIRecovery 
I don't know if it will help but as many here know I lost my daughter to cancer 1.5 years ago.
You can do an advanced search for my screen name with the keyword daughter. You can read the difference phases of my grief which are still on going. Did I handle things well? I have no idea but I didn't drink.
My heart goes out to you. Death sucks, grief sucks, but what is far worse is active addiction. The road you face is not an easy one but it can be done.
Prayers going out to you and those who loved him
You can do an advanced search for my screen name with the keyword daughter. You can read the difference phases of my grief which are still on going. Did I handle things well? I have no idea but I didn't drink.
My heart goes out to you. Death sucks, grief sucks, but what is far worse is active addiction. The road you face is not an easy one but it can be done.
Prayers going out to you and those who loved him
I haven't looked into support groups. Nothing like that was mentioned when I was in the hospital, however I was all smiles in the hospital because I knew that was how I was going to get out of there. I'm waiting for a psychiatric appointment, because maybe a doctor can help me out with the clinical depression part. It's never helped in the past, but I'm on indefinite sick leave from work right now, so I have to do something to show my boss that I'm not just sitting around.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 113
Originally Posted by vulturine
This is the longest I've been sober for in over a year, so I remember now what I hated about being sober.
I'm very sorry for the loss of both your friends, and that you didn't have a chance to say goodbye.
I lost a friend when I was living in a different country, and didn't have a chance to say goodbye. The rituals in that country included having a place to go and "talk" to the person who had gone, leaving a gift for them, and writing about them in a book of rememberance. This was very helpful to me, and I continued to journal about my friend for a long time. I also wrote a poem about my feelings about the circumstances of her death, which was cathartic. I don't know if you think any of those things could help you?
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