Is the money worth it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Is the money worth it?
My addict ex-boyfriend owes me some money and I am not sure if there is any point requesting it back from him due to our history.
To keep you in picture, here is short summary of our relationship
- In a relationship for 2 years
- Year 1 - I finally got man I have always wanted. He had it all (or it seemed like it).
- Year 2 –growing addiction and problems with money. Financially irresponsible behaviour.
- During the second year, he relapsed 3 times (alcohol, pills and drugs).
- When he relapsed, he didn’t pay rent as he just left for a binge somewhere and didn’t come back until the money was wasted. I had no other option to pay his half of the rent (we lived together). This happened perhaps 3 times.
- When he was high on pills and alcohol, he became a baby – asking me for money and to buy him this and that and he was throwing tantrums when he got negative answers.
- He was in emergency rooms, psych ward and even homeless.
- I borrowed him most money after psychiatric ward stay as he claimed he got to the bottom and wanted to recover. I should mention that the psychiatrist kept him on some pills that made him quite slow mentally and physically, but I treated him like an adult again. I borrowed him the money and we had agreement he will return it as soon as he fixes his financial situation.
- BTW the amount I asked for was not including all the rents (it was approximately half or less of what he really owed me).
Anyway, so he gets great job back in his home country, moves and starts telling me how great people over there are and how he could improve many things in the company. He even said he might end up leading those peopleJ. I have to say his statements seemed egoistic. AND that time he wasn’t on any pills / drugs / alcohol for 1.5 months! So I was quite shocked because it wasn’t the sober man I met 2 years ago. I broke up with him because it was clear he does appreciate new people more than me and that he doesn’t want to work hard on himself in order for us to be able to get back together (the initial plan was to be each alone for six months, get help and see if we can work on the relationship again).
After I broke up with him, I reminded him the amount he should return – he asked me if he can send it half and half. It wasn’t problem.
- He promised to send the 1st half on 25 January (the day he is paid).
- I told him I need to receive the money on my acc on 29th January.
- I sent him follow up on 28 January – he forgot!!
- He tries to send the money, but he has some problem with internet banking (he changed telephone number and didn’t know how to change it to new one to be able to send the money).
- At this point, I got frustrated.
- I received the money on 5 February after having to push him to find some other way to send it and after him trying to send less than half. This was the last day I talked to him.
The second payment should have been delivered to me on 5 March – nothing. I haven’t heard from him and he didn’t even send me e-mail saying he needs to postpone the payment for other month. NOTHING.
I didn’t need the money urgently, so I just thought I am going to leave it as asking for it would only cause me more frustration while dealing with him.
However, my finances will be very tight in April due to recent move and I am trying to think of ways how and where to save up. While it occurred me that he still owes me.
It’s so unfair that I have to think where to save while he keeps quiet about returning the money he owes. What would you do?
Thank you
To keep you in picture, here is short summary of our relationship
- In a relationship for 2 years
- Year 1 - I finally got man I have always wanted. He had it all (or it seemed like it).
- Year 2 –growing addiction and problems with money. Financially irresponsible behaviour.
- During the second year, he relapsed 3 times (alcohol, pills and drugs).
- When he relapsed, he didn’t pay rent as he just left for a binge somewhere and didn’t come back until the money was wasted. I had no other option to pay his half of the rent (we lived together). This happened perhaps 3 times.
- When he was high on pills and alcohol, he became a baby – asking me for money and to buy him this and that and he was throwing tantrums when he got negative answers.
- He was in emergency rooms, psych ward and even homeless.
- I borrowed him most money after psychiatric ward stay as he claimed he got to the bottom and wanted to recover. I should mention that the psychiatrist kept him on some pills that made him quite slow mentally and physically, but I treated him like an adult again. I borrowed him the money and we had agreement he will return it as soon as he fixes his financial situation.
- BTW the amount I asked for was not including all the rents (it was approximately half or less of what he really owed me).
Anyway, so he gets great job back in his home country, moves and starts telling me how great people over there are and how he could improve many things in the company. He even said he might end up leading those peopleJ. I have to say his statements seemed egoistic. AND that time he wasn’t on any pills / drugs / alcohol for 1.5 months! So I was quite shocked because it wasn’t the sober man I met 2 years ago. I broke up with him because it was clear he does appreciate new people more than me and that he doesn’t want to work hard on himself in order for us to be able to get back together (the initial plan was to be each alone for six months, get help and see if we can work on the relationship again).
After I broke up with him, I reminded him the amount he should return – he asked me if he can send it half and half. It wasn’t problem.
- He promised to send the 1st half on 25 January (the day he is paid).
- I told him I need to receive the money on my acc on 29th January.
- I sent him follow up on 28 January – he forgot!!
- He tries to send the money, but he has some problem with internet banking (he changed telephone number and didn’t know how to change it to new one to be able to send the money).
- At this point, I got frustrated.
- I received the money on 5 February after having to push him to find some other way to send it and after him trying to send less than half. This was the last day I talked to him.
The second payment should have been delivered to me on 5 March – nothing. I haven’t heard from him and he didn’t even send me e-mail saying he needs to postpone the payment for other month. NOTHING.
I didn’t need the money urgently, so I just thought I am going to leave it as asking for it would only cause me more frustration while dealing with him.
However, my finances will be very tight in April due to recent move and I am trying to think of ways how and where to save up. While it occurred me that he still owes me.
It’s so unfair that I have to think where to save while he keeps quiet about returning the money he owes. What would you do?
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Sorry Maya,
I would move forward and cut ties. Dealing with an addict is no fun and I dont think the frustration is worth it. It could take forever, and not worth keeping contact with him. He's a drunk, expecting normal is just not going to happen.
IMO I would write it off as an expensive mistake and move forward in life.
I would move forward and cut ties. Dealing with an addict is no fun and I dont think the frustration is worth it. It could take forever, and not worth keeping contact with him. He's a drunk, expecting normal is just not going to happen.
IMO I would write it off as an expensive mistake and move forward in life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Seconding the suggestion to just let it go. While having or not having that money doesn't sound like it's going to change your life one way or the other, staying in contact w/him and stressing yourself out trying to collect the money certainly is a negative force in your life.
Is it a large enough sum of money that it would be worth your while to look into collecting it by legal means and letting a lawyer or other agent do the dealing with him? I think that's the only way I'd consider trying to collect; otherwise I'd do as suggested and let it go.
It might be thought of as money well spent if it means you don't have to deal w/him ever again!
Is it a large enough sum of money that it would be worth your while to look into collecting it by legal means and letting a lawyer or other agent do the dealing with him? I think that's the only way I'd consider trying to collect; otherwise I'd do as suggested and let it go.
It might be thought of as money well spent if it means you don't have to deal w/him ever again!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Thank you both! I guess it's not worth to try collect the sum.
Although, it is a lot of money for me and I am struggling this month. I think I can be fine in 2 months.
It's just so unfair not to get any help back (even when he is sober for months now, earns much more than I do and promised it).
I feel sad that he didn't keep his word. I am so confused. I never thought he was this kind of person when sober.
Is it normal that I feel guilty and angry at the same time when thinking to ask him for the money back? Angry because he didn't keep his promise to automatically send it and letting me beg for it basically. And guilty because I still feel sorry for him since I saw him mentally unstable running around the city (last time more than 3mnths ago).
Thank you, I think ur right to forget it.
Although, it is a lot of money for me and I am struggling this month. I think I can be fine in 2 months.
It's just so unfair not to get any help back (even when he is sober for months now, earns much more than I do and promised it).
I feel sad that he didn't keep his word. I am so confused. I never thought he was this kind of person when sober.
Is it normal that I feel guilty and angry at the same time when thinking to ask him for the money back? Angry because he didn't keep his promise to automatically send it and letting me beg for it basically. And guilty because I still feel sorry for him since I saw him mentally unstable running around the city (last time more than 3mnths ago).
Thank you, I think ur right to forget it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Let it go and move forward. The money is not worth keeping in touch with him and dealing with the stress all over again. Just consider yourself lucky that all you have lost was money and you can build your life back now. No point in chasing around an addict for money, it's a never winning battle.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
He's got no incentive to pay you back, and personally I think h*ll will freeze over before you see that money again. It's just to easy for him to forget it all.
Take it as an expensive life lesson. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but he doesn't sound like an honest or careful person.
Take it as an expensive life lesson. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but he doesn't sound like an honest or careful person.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by alcoholics wife 
Let it go and move forward. The money is not worth keeping in touch with him and dealing with the stress all over again. Just consider yourself lucky that all you have lost was money and you can build your life back now. No point in chasing around an addict for money, it's a never winning battle.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
I went through mostly the exact same thing with my ex. I guess it depends on how much money is involved. Here is what I was faced with. Suing them, is a process available to you. If you have these exchanges in writing or text, then you have a stronger case with evidence. If not, his story will be whatever he says it is and the courts will consider it gifts made.
An attorney will suggest sue on a verbal contract. Then they will want a retainer. And win or lose they get paid.
Personally my ex owed me thousands. While I needed the money, it simply wasn't worth it to me to try for oral contract. It would be a he said she said deal.
I was better off broke and on my own than a long drawn out drama over money.
Get him in your rear view mirror as quickly as possible.
An attorney will suggest sue on a verbal contract. Then they will want a retainer. And win or lose they get paid.
Personally my ex owed me thousands. While I needed the money, it simply wasn't worth it to me to try for oral contract. It would be a he said she said deal.
I was better off broke and on my own than a long drawn out drama over money.
Get him in your rear view mirror as quickly as possible.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Maya, I sure do understand your wish for fairness and justice here. The tough thing to accept is that, while he will eventually get his just desserts, you have no control over when or how that happens. Trying to force an A to "do the right thing" is indeed a losing battle.
If you'll be OK financially in 2 months, I really think this is about something other than the money for you. Thinking about what that is and dealing with that rather than being upset about the money will probably get you further ahead, in the long run.
If you'll be OK financially in 2 months, I really think this is about something other than the money for you. Thinking about what that is and dealing with that rather than being upset about the money will probably get you further ahead, in the long run.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Maya,
Addicts are sick people mentally and physically. I know it is the right thing for him to do. But saying that, alcoholics are not in their right mind. I read on this forum that an "alcoholic would step over a dead body for a drink" . That is not a right state of mind.
Consider yourself blessed that you got out as early as you did. The pain that people on this forum have endured by the hands of their "loved" ones is unbelieveable. Just continue with no contact and move on to wonderful healthy life with out any addiction.
Addicts are sick people mentally and physically. I know it is the right thing for him to do. But saying that, alcoholics are not in their right mind. I read on this forum that an "alcoholic would step over a dead body for a drink" . That is not a right state of mind.
Consider yourself blessed that you got out as early as you did. The pain that people on this forum have endured by the hands of their "loved" ones is unbelieveable. Just continue with no contact and move on to wonderful healthy life with out any addiction.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by honeypig
Maya, I sure do understand your wish for fairness and justice here. The tough thing to accept is that, while he will eventually get his just desserts, you have no control over when or how that happens. Trying to force an A to "do the right thing" is indeed a losing battle.
Trying to force ANYONE , alcoholic or not, to "do what I think is the right thing" is futile, and a losing battle.
Trying to control ANYONE ELSE'S behavior is futile, and a losing battle.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by MAYA1
Thank you. I know I am lucky I didn't marry him or didn't have children. It's just unfair. I was enabling him for a while and I take full responsibility for it. But this money I want from him he borrowed consciously, I told him I can't afford to support him and I needed this back - he agreed.
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