Daughters birthday is coming up, xAH wants to see her but has violated the court order so many times
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Daughters birthday is coming up, xAH wants to see her but has violated the court order so many times
Hi all-
You may have seen my posts on here before. I am still having a really tough time, but the good news is right now my DD is safe at home with me. Bad news is exAH gets his scram bracelet that was monitoring his alcohol use off next week, and we go to court a month later.
Our previous judge ordered him to get a substance abuse eval (his second one, because he felt his addiction had gotten worse because he had just gotten arrested again for public intox), and do any treatment asked of him. He also required his work schedule be sent to me weekly, that I receive SCRAM bracelet reports on a weekly basis, and that he does not drive a car with or without our DD in it without an interlock device (in the order it says visitation will be immediately suspended if he does).
I have not received weekly reports since October. In December I found out that it had been shut off (since november) due to lack of payment although he got his parents to pay to have it turned back on. During that time i was trying to get reports and wasn't getting them and yet was still allowing visitation because i thought maybe there was some mixup. Once I found out the bracelet was not even working, I suspended the visitation (it also says without a bracelet working and in place, not tampered with etc, visitation is suspended). He apparently had it turned back on though. I also witnessed him visiting her on more than one occasion (we happened to show up to daycare at the same time) on days he doesn't have visitation and driving a car with no interlock device. So I think its pretty clear he has no visits and this needs to be sorted out in court. Fast forward to now. He has not had an overnight visitation with her since thanksgiving. My lawyer got in contact with him and said he just needed to get the reports sent to me weekly, do the substance abuse eval, and get his work schedule to me, and he can have his visitation back (again all court ordered not us just coming up with it). He flat out refused and said he'd pick her up anyways. Now he is showing up to her daycare trying to get in. I have no idea if he's sober or not without those reports, since I do not have access.
Anyways, his mom emailed me (we do not talk i have a PO against him) requesting visitation for my DDs birthday. We legally cannot be in the same room together so thats off the table for sure, considering i am having a bday party for her with fam/friends.
Am I cruel for denying him seeing his daughter for a couple hours even if supervised around her birthday time? I do not trust his family, they are awful to me, and honestly dont know whod i trust to supervise anyways.
You may have seen my posts on here before. I am still having a really tough time, but the good news is right now my DD is safe at home with me. Bad news is exAH gets his scram bracelet that was monitoring his alcohol use off next week, and we go to court a month later.
Our previous judge ordered him to get a substance abuse eval (his second one, because he felt his addiction had gotten worse because he had just gotten arrested again for public intox), and do any treatment asked of him. He also required his work schedule be sent to me weekly, that I receive SCRAM bracelet reports on a weekly basis, and that he does not drive a car with or without our DD in it without an interlock device (in the order it says visitation will be immediately suspended if he does).
I have not received weekly reports since October. In December I found out that it had been shut off (since november) due to lack of payment although he got his parents to pay to have it turned back on. During that time i was trying to get reports and wasn't getting them and yet was still allowing visitation because i thought maybe there was some mixup. Once I found out the bracelet was not even working, I suspended the visitation (it also says without a bracelet working and in place, not tampered with etc, visitation is suspended). He apparently had it turned back on though. I also witnessed him visiting her on more than one occasion (we happened to show up to daycare at the same time) on days he doesn't have visitation and driving a car with no interlock device. So I think its pretty clear he has no visits and this needs to be sorted out in court. Fast forward to now. He has not had an overnight visitation with her since thanksgiving. My lawyer got in contact with him and said he just needed to get the reports sent to me weekly, do the substance abuse eval, and get his work schedule to me, and he can have his visitation back (again all court ordered not us just coming up with it). He flat out refused and said he'd pick her up anyways. Now he is showing up to her daycare trying to get in. I have no idea if he's sober or not without those reports, since I do not have access.
Anyways, his mom emailed me (we do not talk i have a PO against him) requesting visitation for my DDs birthday. We legally cannot be in the same room together so thats off the table for sure, considering i am having a bday party for her with fam/friends.
Am I cruel for denying him seeing his daughter for a couple hours even if supervised around her birthday time? I do not trust his family, they are awful to me, and honestly dont know whod i trust to supervise anyways.
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bluebird....I don't think so. The rules have been carefully spelled out by the court,,,and, his alcoholic thinking mind has thumbed his nose at them.
It sounds like his family doesn't get it either...and, it sounds like they are trying to carry his water for h I'm. Enabling him....wishing to see the perfect father daughter relationship for him....while he doesn't have the fiber to do what it takes to make that happen.
His bad....his consequences.
Alcoholics. typically, feel that the world is against them...that the rules don't and shouldn't apply to them......
If you give an inch,,,,they will take a mile.....
I think that adults attach too much nostalgia about "birthdays" than young children do. they get off on playmates and presents and balloons and cake.....
They don' t lie awake at night about what adults were missing or not.....
My suggestion...don't let false guilt and nostalgia override your good thinking....
dandylion
It sounds like his family doesn't get it either...and, it sounds like they are trying to carry his water for h I'm. Enabling him....wishing to see the perfect father daughter relationship for him....while he doesn't have the fiber to do what it takes to make that happen.
His bad....his consequences.
Alcoholics. typically, feel that the world is against them...that the rules don't and shouldn't apply to them......
If you give an inch,,,,they will take a mile.....
I think that adults attach too much nostalgia about "birthdays" than young children do. they get off on playmates and presents and balloons and cake.....
They don' t lie awake at night about what adults were missing or not.....
My suggestion...don't let false guilt and nostalgia override your good thinking....
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
Originally Posted by dandylion 
bluebird....I don't think so. The rules have been carefully spelled out by the court,,,and, his alcoholic thinking mind has thumbed his nose at them.
It sounds like his family doesn't get it either...and, it sounds like they are trying to carry his water for h I'm. Enabling him....wishing to see the perfect father daughter relationship for him....while he doesn't have the fiber to do what it takes to make that happen.
His bad....his consequences.
Alcoholics. typically, feel that the world is against them...that the rules don't and shouldn't apply to them......
If you give an inch,,,,they will take a mile.....
I think that adults attach too much nostalgia about "birthdays" than young children do. they get off on playmates and presents and balloons and cake.....
They don' t lie awake at night about what adults were missing or not.....
My suggestion...don't let false guilt and nostalgia override your good thinking....
dandylion
It sounds like his family doesn't get it either...and, it sounds like they are trying to carry his water for h I'm. Enabling him....wishing to see the perfect father daughter relationship for him....while he doesn't have the fiber to do what it takes to make that happen.
His bad....his consequences.
Alcoholics. typically, feel that the world is against them...that the rules don't and shouldn't apply to them......
If you give an inch,,,,they will take a mile.....
I think that adults attach too much nostalgia about "birthdays" than young children do. they get off on playmates and presents and balloons and cake.....
They don' t lie awake at night about what adults were missing or not.....
My suggestion...don't let false guilt and nostalgia override your good thinking....
dandylion
I asked what, 4 things of him, and he wont do ONE to see her. That doesnt seem like love to me.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Stick with the court rules. They're in place to protect your daughter, not to appease him and reward him for his inappropriate behavior and sense of entitlement. If the judge sees him as a threat to the well-being of your child, really look at that! Family judges can see these situations play out day in and day out.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He has not had an overnight visitation with her since thanksgiving. My lawyer got in contact with him and said he just needed to get the reports sent to me weekly, do the substance abuse eval, and get his work schedule to me, and he can have his visitation back (again all court ordered not us just coming up with it). He flat out refused and said he'd pick her up anyways. Now he is showing up to her daycare trying to get in. I have no idea if he's sober or not without those reports, since I do not have access.
this is someone who has complete disregard for rules, for the law, and for his own child. it's about what he can GET AWAY with. she is just a pawn in this game. IF he was a truly repenetant parent who desired to have the ability to SEE his child he would bend over backwards and comply with every single rule, date, appointment, expected behavior.
that is NOT his intent.
so NO, don't give in for DD's birthday. follow the rules of the court with precision. be on guard of what he is capable of......he does not have the child's best interest at heart.........ONLY HIS OWN.
this is someone who has complete disregard for rules, for the law, and for his own child. it's about what he can GET AWAY with. she is just a pawn in this game. IF he was a truly repenetant parent who desired to have the ability to SEE his child he would bend over backwards and comply with every single rule, date, appointment, expected behavior.
that is NOT his intent.
so NO, don't give in for DD's birthday. follow the rules of the court with precision. be on guard of what he is capable of......he does not have the child's best interest at heart.........ONLY HIS OWN.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
BB,
I think the day care should be calling the cops if he is showing up there. He does not follow the rules and she is not safe.
A's feel entitled to do what ever they want. For so long in the marriage they could. Now you don't need to listen to him and he is at his wits end. The daycare needs to protect themselves and not deal with a crazy father, that's what laws are for. Once he gets arrested, I think he will think twice about trying to see her again, and plus, that you mean business.
Hugs my friend, Stick to what is best for baby BB!!
I think the day care should be calling the cops if he is showing up there. He does not follow the rules and she is not safe.
A's feel entitled to do what ever they want. For so long in the marriage they could. Now you don't need to listen to him and he is at his wits end. The daycare needs to protect themselves and not deal with a crazy father, that's what laws are for. Once he gets arrested, I think he will think twice about trying to see her again, and plus, that you mean business.
Hugs my friend, Stick to what is best for baby BB!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
BB-your situation is so similar to mine with the ex and some family members. The court and YOU are protecting your children. Keep doing it. HE got himself into this mess-and his family sure has continued to lead him down the path of evil instead of righteousness. That's not your problem. It's his. You're doing the right thing for your child. Hugs.
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I guess part of me is afraid that when we go back to court I will look like a spiteful person or something. I also worry about my daughter because she keeps asking if he is coming to her party. This whole thing is just breaking my heart..
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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You're following the court order. It is HE that has not done anything remotely close to good. People like him like to try and make you the bad person to not showcase any of what HE has not done. You're doing the right thing.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
BB,
I think baby bb is little right?, she won't remember with all the people. All you have to do is say that he is really trying to make it. You can say he called during the party and couldn't. He said to give you a big kiss and birthday hug from him.. As long as she knows that he loves her she will be ok. We worry to much, they always end up ok in the end!!
I think baby bb is little right?, she won't remember with all the people. All you have to do is say that he is really trying to make it. You can say he called during the party and couldn't. He said to give you a big kiss and birthday hug from him.. As long as she knows that he loves her she will be ok. We worry to much, they always end up ok in the end!!
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Originally Posted by bluebird418
I guess part of me is afraid that when we go back to court I will look like a spiteful person or something. I also worry about my daughter because she keeps asking if he is coming to her party. This whole thing is just breaking my heart..
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No way no how. He has violated the order repeatedly. Continues to, tells your lawyer he won't provide what the Court ordered him to, but will pick up DD anyway?
I don't think so.
Maybe have your attorney spell it out in writing, and send him a letter. I don't see anything to worry about as far as you being spiteful when you are doing what the judge TOLD you to do.
P.S. I don't remember any birthday parties when I was that young. She won't either.
I don't think so.
Maybe have your attorney spell it out in writing, and send him a letter. I don't see anything to worry about as far as you being spiteful when you are doing what the judge TOLD you to do.
P.S. I don't remember any birthday parties when I was that young. She won't either.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
No way no how. He has violated the order repeatedly. Continues to, tells your lawyer he won't provide what the Court ordered him to, but will pick up DD anyway?
I don't think so.
Maybe have your attorney spell it out in writing, and send him a letter. I don't see anything to worry about as far as you being spiteful when you are doing what the judge TOLD you to do.
P.S. I don't remember any birthday parties when I was that young. She won't either.
I don't think so.
Maybe have your attorney spell it out in writing, and send him a letter. I don't see anything to worry about as far as you being spiteful when you are doing what the judge TOLD you to do.
P.S. I don't remember any birthday parties when I was that young. She won't either.
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Always keep in mind your XA has been given a simple flow chart to follow in order to maintain his visitation. Do X,Y and Z. This is not complicated for him. Apparently it IS disruptive to his drinking and partying life. If it were me I would take every advantage to squash his visitation, and parental rights. It's not being spiteful. When he wants to be a parent reconsideration can be made. That might be never. Good riddance if so.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
Always keep in mind your XA has been given a simple flow chart to follow in order to maintain his visitation. Do X,Y and Z. This is not complicated for him. Apparently it IS disruptive to his drinking and partying life. If it were me I would take every advantage to squash his visitation, and parental rights. It's not being spiteful. When he wants to be a parent reconsideration can be made. That might be never. Good riddance if so.
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I asked what, 4 things of him, and he wont do ONE to see her. That doesnt seem like love to me.
But it's not some arbitrary set of criteria that you're imposing on him just to be mean. It's a COURT ORDER. You're not asking this, a judge is directing it on your daughter's behalf. And yes, the fact that he won't do one single thing outlined in the court order but is demanding time with your daughter is more about his sense of entitlement and wanting to mess with you than actually wanting what's in her best interests. I'm in a similar situation with my ex, only I think you're a bit further down the road.
Another user TheUncertainty made a really good point about situations like this. What if the tables were turned and you had a list of four things that you had to do in order to see your child? How quickly would you be crossing things off that list? Wouldn't you have your visitation days/times highlighted on a calendar and be working to make the most of that time with your child?
This is nothing to do with him wanting to see your daughter. It's about harassment and intimidation. I'm glad to hear you're not going to crumble under pressure from him and his gang of enablers. I really like the idea about letting your lawyer handle the necessary communication.
One last thing. I had a talk with my son about why we don't live with/see daddy anymore. He's 6, so I kept it simple, told him daddy has a disease called alcoholism and he makes choices that make it unsafe to be around him. Even very small children understand about being sick, and it kept my son from internalizing his father's absence as a personal rejection (Daddy's mad at me, etc.) I wouldn't advocate lying or buying gifts "from daddy" or making up a story about why he isn't around. That might ease your bad feelings right now, but I think it will be worse in the long run, because the truth will come out eventually.
Stay strong. We are here for you.
But it's not some arbitrary set of criteria that you're imposing on him just to be mean. It's a COURT ORDER. You're not asking this, a judge is directing it on your daughter's behalf. And yes, the fact that he won't do one single thing outlined in the court order but is demanding time with your daughter is more about his sense of entitlement and wanting to mess with you than actually wanting what's in her best interests. I'm in a similar situation with my ex, only I think you're a bit further down the road.
Another user TheUncertainty made a really good point about situations like this. What if the tables were turned and you had a list of four things that you had to do in order to see your child? How quickly would you be crossing things off that list? Wouldn't you have your visitation days/times highlighted on a calendar and be working to make the most of that time with your child?
This is nothing to do with him wanting to see your daughter. It's about harassment and intimidation. I'm glad to hear you're not going to crumble under pressure from him and his gang of enablers. I really like the idea about letting your lawyer handle the necessary communication.
One last thing. I had a talk with my son about why we don't live with/see daddy anymore. He's 6, so I kept it simple, told him daddy has a disease called alcoholism and he makes choices that make it unsafe to be around him. Even very small children understand about being sick, and it kept my son from internalizing his father's absence as a personal rejection (Daddy's mad at me, etc.) I wouldn't advocate lying or buying gifts "from daddy" or making up a story about why he isn't around. That might ease your bad feelings right now, but I think it will be worse in the long run, because the truth will come out eventually.
Stay strong. We are here for you.
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Originally Posted by bluebird418
I agree, unfortunately due to the fact that I dont recieve reports anymore I dont have any evidence or sobriety or non sobriety. He also hasnt been drug tested in a year so i cant prove hes using at all really-other than just defying the order. I am asking for him to lose his parental rights/visits in court but im afraid i wont be granted that.
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I guess part of me is afraid that when we go back to court I will look like a spiteful person or something.
OR the courts could see you as someone not upholding the system of protections THEY put in place and letting him do what he wants..........
OR the courts could see you as someone not upholding the system of protections THEY put in place and letting him do what he wants..........
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