Wife home from second rehab
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Wife home from second rehab
Had massive anxiety and a panic attack days leading to her coming home yesterday. Still having anxiety and can't find it to talk to her really. Slept on the couch last night. What's wrong with me?
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Picked up from rehab facility and did a group family and individual family session. Said nothing on way home. Nothing until kids went to bed and I initiated the conversation which was what she took two nights before she left. She did mention to the kids why she was in rehab, but not in the detail I think they need. We talked about the week leading up to her leaning and what all she did. She said all she can do is apologize. I rewatched a video of her that I took two days before she left, completely drunk, sitting on the toilet not getting sentences out and saying she took 6 Benadryl to die. She doesn't want to watch it. I do have resentment. Kids still oblivious to allot in my eyes.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Nothing is wrong with you. If you read SR, you will see that anxiety is really common amongst members whose loved ones are coming back from rehab.
I used to have terrible anxiety attacks when my X would come back from rehab (starting a few day before) because I knew deep inside it would be between a matter of hours to a matter of weeks before he drank again. I loved it when he was gone because I felt free and I could breathe and not walk on eggshells.
On thing I really learned through Al Anon was that I was powerless over his alcoholism and whether he drank or not and that worrying and projecting about what and when he might do it would only make me sick.
I also learned that I did not have to remain in a toxic relationship and that I had a right to be relaxed in my own home and not walk on egg shells.
I cannot control what other might do but I can control myself and what is or is not acceptable. I also can control who I live with and these day, I would not live with an alcoholic or an addict.
Have you tried Al Anon or Therapy?
I used to have terrible anxiety attacks when my X would come back from rehab (starting a few day before) because I knew deep inside it would be between a matter of hours to a matter of weeks before he drank again. I loved it when he was gone because I felt free and I could breathe and not walk on eggshells.
On thing I really learned through Al Anon was that I was powerless over his alcoholism and whether he drank or not and that worrying and projecting about what and when he might do it would only make me sick.
I also learned that I did not have to remain in a toxic relationship and that I had a right to be relaxed in my own home and not walk on egg shells.
I cannot control what other might do but I can control myself and what is or is not acceptable. I also can control who I live with and these day, I would not live with an alcoholic or an addict.
Have you tried Al Anon or Therapy?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Well I guess her coming home is the first boundary already broken since you wanted her to live separately for awhile. You don't owe her anything- not starting a conversation if you don't feel like it not sleeping in the same bed if you don't feel like it. When she constantly apologizes for the past, do you tell her only actions, not words, will tell you if she's sincere? What's her recovery plan? AA meetings? How old are the kids? Perhaps al-anon for you and depending on the kids' ages, there is al-ateen. It's to help you learn your own recovery tools after being put through what you have been through by her.
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I have been to both. She seems better and is saying the right things, I still have allot of resentment and guilt myself and can't even look at her really......the kids are happy she's home, but my anxiety is high.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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C,
I understand your anger towards her, as she has really messed up again and you are just waiting till the ball drops again.
You need to stay busy with your program, your addiction, being her. You need to go to alanon meetings. You need go over to the new to recovery forum and read about A's coming home from rehab. See what A's are thinking and going through. You will not understand her addiction so having her explain it, is ridiculous. A's will tell you that they don't like to discuss it with non A's, because you just wont understand. So don't get into it with her, hopefully in time when she is stronger, she will share.
Also, it is going to be very tense in your house. She is struggling every minute to stay sober. There is a lot of stress and that is how A's release their tension, by drinking. I don't have the perfect answer, I do know that you need to stay busy working on your issues. Her sobriety is really non of your business. It is more of a loss to her that she drinks not you.
Tell her that you have enough issues yourself that you are working on and will support her in any way you can. It is not your job to see if she is doing any outpatient recovery, and do not enable her again. Empower her to do this on her own. They say that you can see an A who is working a program. They slowly grow up, sober up and work their program. It is not a time to work on your marriage, when she is trying to save herself, it is another selfish act that they need to do, but have to do to survive.
Either way you need to be healthy to make the right choices for you and your children what ever that might be, only time will tell. Give her to God!!
Drop your expectations of her, sit back and see what happens.
Sending hugs my friend, it is not easy!! (again)
I understand your anger towards her, as she has really messed up again and you are just waiting till the ball drops again.
You need to stay busy with your program, your addiction, being her. You need to go to alanon meetings. You need go over to the new to recovery forum and read about A's coming home from rehab. See what A's are thinking and going through. You will not understand her addiction so having her explain it, is ridiculous. A's will tell you that they don't like to discuss it with non A's, because you just wont understand. So don't get into it with her, hopefully in time when she is stronger, she will share.
Also, it is going to be very tense in your house. She is struggling every minute to stay sober. There is a lot of stress and that is how A's release their tension, by drinking. I don't have the perfect answer, I do know that you need to stay busy working on your issues. Her sobriety is really non of your business. It is more of a loss to her that she drinks not you.
Tell her that you have enough issues yourself that you are working on and will support her in any way you can. It is not your job to see if she is doing any outpatient recovery, and do not enable her again. Empower her to do this on her own. They say that you can see an A who is working a program. They slowly grow up, sober up and work their program. It is not a time to work on your marriage, when she is trying to save herself, it is another selfish act that they need to do, but have to do to survive.
Either way you need to be healthy to make the right choices for you and your children what ever that might be, only time will tell. Give her to God!!
Drop your expectations of her, sit back and see what happens.
Sending hugs my friend, it is not easy!! (again)
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Confused..I can see that you are boiling and reeling from resentments, anger...and, fear....
Now, I can remember feeling that same way after episodes of the outrageous and crazy behavior with an intoxicated alcoholic. One has to experience it to know how awful it really is......
To be honest...I don't think you have h ad enough time and SPACE to detach enough from the white hot emotions to get your own clarity of the situation. Enough clarity to make decisions that you can feel calm and confident about.....
You have spoken about your fear...fear of the effect on the children (if you separate) and fear of living in a situation where you have no trust and are terrified of another relapse and all that follows with that......
This happens to be a holiday...and a weekend, at that. The forum is sl ower than ususal on these occasions.
I know that there are other posters who have been through all of these same issues that you are fearful and angry about.....
I fervently hope that they will speak openly and frankly with you about these issues...and that you will (please, please) just hang in and continue to read and learn, here....
I hope that you will, also, review Floyd P. Garrett's article: "the Addict's Delimma". (goggle search).
About the children....of course the children are glad to see their mother....even children who have been brutalized by their parents...still love the parents and yearn for their nurturance.
Don't be lured into thinking that they are oblivious to all that goes o n in their environment. Just because they don't talk about it doesn't mean that they are not absorbing it. That they are not being affected about it.
all us parents tend to underestimate how observant their children are. They are like l ittle sponges, in that respect.....
Some reading of the threads in the Adult Children of Alcoholics section of SR gives a real eye opening insight to this aspect.....
Confused......o ne can gfow verrry old waiting for history to change. What matters, is how one goes forward.....
dandylion
I will add....that if you want to separate....that is O.K.....it is o.k. to want what you want...just as it is o.k. for your wife to want what she wants.....
Now, I can remember feeling that same way after episodes of the outrageous and crazy behavior with an intoxicated alcoholic. One has to experience it to know how awful it really is......
To be honest...I don't think you have h ad enough time and SPACE to detach enough from the white hot emotions to get your own clarity of the situation. Enough clarity to make decisions that you can feel calm and confident about.....
You have spoken about your fear...fear of the effect on the children (if you separate) and fear of living in a situation where you have no trust and are terrified of another relapse and all that follows with that......
This happens to be a holiday...and a weekend, at that. The forum is sl ower than ususal on these occasions.
I know that there are other posters who have been through all of these same issues that you are fearful and angry about.....
I fervently hope that they will speak openly and frankly with you about these issues...and that you will (please, please) just hang in and continue to read and learn, here....
I hope that you will, also, review Floyd P. Garrett's article: "the Addict's Delimma". (goggle search).
About the children....of course the children are glad to see their mother....even children who have been brutalized by their parents...still love the parents and yearn for their nurturance.
Don't be lured into thinking that they are oblivious to all that goes o n in their environment. Just because they don't talk about it doesn't mean that they are not absorbing it. That they are not being affected about it.
all us parents tend to underestimate how observant their children are. They are like l ittle sponges, in that respect.....
Some reading of the threads in the Adult Children of Alcoholics section of SR gives a real eye opening insight to this aspect.....
Confused......o ne can gfow verrry old waiting for history to change. What matters, is how one goes forward.....
dandylion
I will add....that if you want to separate....that is O.K.....it is o.k. to want what you want...just as it is o.k. for your wife to want what she wants.....
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When do you get to be angry? It seems to me that you're burying a ton of well-deserved anger because you're working so hard to keep things "normal" for the kids...while at the same time your wife has a ton of emotional support and you are just getting all this pressure to make it work and ignore the past.
You're human and this isn't even the first rehab you've supported her through, let alone all the drunk episodes leading up to them.
As for your children seeming oblivious...isn't that the message they're getting as to how to handle this? Your wife wants to pretend it never happened, you are burying it for the good of the family, but is ignoring the elephant healthy?
Kids know. You know. Burying anger comes out in many ways...depression, anxiety, panic attacks.
Why did she get to come home when that wasn't what you wanted?
Do you have your own therapist who will help you advocate for your interests and emotions? Maybe one who specializes in codependence?
You have the right to be angry. You have the right to not want her back in your home. Your anxiety and panic is absolutely appropriate.
Sendng you a hug.
You're human and this isn't even the first rehab you've supported her through, let alone all the drunk episodes leading up to them.
As for your children seeming oblivious...isn't that the message they're getting as to how to handle this? Your wife wants to pretend it never happened, you are burying it for the good of the family, but is ignoring the elephant healthy?
Kids know. You know. Burying anger comes out in many ways...depression, anxiety, panic attacks.
Why did she get to come home when that wasn't what you wanted?
Do you have your own therapist who will help you advocate for your interests and emotions? Maybe one who specializes in codependence?
You have the right to be angry. You have the right to not want her back in your home. Your anxiety and panic is absolutely appropriate.
Sendng you a hug.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
My wife is a recovering alcoholic, dry since the big event in 2014. I felt a lot of the same kinds of stuff early on, and frankly vented a lot of my anger and frustration onto her which didn't help the situation. In alanon I learned that anger & resentment justified or not, is poison for me. Yes, the situation is horribly unfair- all I wanted to do was just thoroughly b*@ch her out for all the sodden drunken events. I did too, a few times... but like others have said, its my addiction to her that takes me to that place of anger. In fact it seems that my emotional dependence and attachment to her and how I've used it to help me feel OK that drives the anger and resentment.
So I would echo the others that suggest its time for you to develop and work your own recovery in whatever form that takes, to get your claws and anger off her. Theres no way the situation can be made more peaceful by adding more anger and resentment from either party. Many people find Alanon to be a lifesaver in this situation.. its at least worth trying.
A few months into Alanon I started being amazed by my own profound ignorance about how to handle emotions and my own mind, and I am still realizing it now. I thought I knew my mind well, but clearly, not so much.
I'd suggest a short-term move is to develop an understanding of what your boundaries are; what happens if she drinks again- meaning what do YOU do? Its really easy for me to get into a lurid internal story about what my responses are (with me being justified in every step). So for my part, I do have just one boundary- I cannot live with or around active addiction, but if it ever comes to that I will be discussing my moves with my alanon sponsor and other members with great care. Somehow discussing these things face-to-face makes my own part more clear and keeps me from lighting up the drama.
Good luck!
So I would echo the others that suggest its time for you to develop and work your own recovery in whatever form that takes, to get your claws and anger off her. Theres no way the situation can be made more peaceful by adding more anger and resentment from either party. Many people find Alanon to be a lifesaver in this situation.. its at least worth trying.
A few months into Alanon I started being amazed by my own profound ignorance about how to handle emotions and my own mind, and I am still realizing it now. I thought I knew my mind well, but clearly, not so much.
I'd suggest a short-term move is to develop an understanding of what your boundaries are; what happens if she drinks again- meaning what do YOU do? Its really easy for me to get into a lurid internal story about what my responses are (with me being justified in every step). So for my part, I do have just one boundary- I cannot live with or around active addiction, but if it ever comes to that I will be discussing my moves with my alanon sponsor and other members with great care. Somehow discussing these things face-to-face makes my own part more clear and keeps me from lighting up the drama.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 42
She called me a week ago this past Friday with counselor, and brought up "I don't want another woman raising my children, and I don't think you want another man raising your children." This put some doubt in my head I guess, but a week ago today she called me without the counselor and I told her I felt we needed to separate. Then I woke up Monday and had anxiety and attributed that to the conversation Monday so I called get and told her let's work on it, which layer that day into Wednesday my anxiety increased ten fold until I had a panic attack Wednesday afternoon with her on the phone, telling her I didn't know what I wanted. By this time I had got Xanax which I had taken and after it kicked in, I was better. (I have never had to take anything for anxiety) Friday anxiety increased but I didn't take any Xanax do that I could go in and pick her up with my true emotion. This is why she is home.
Didn't really talk allot in the four hours there with her around, couldn't look at her really, just an initial hug initiated by her. Drive home I was mostly silent and after got home too until kids went to bed. That's when I talked with her about everything mentioned at beginning of the post. I have a record video of her I wanted her to watch what I had to put up with, but she said she didn't want to. My anxiety increased so I went into the living roomand went to sleep.
I have been to Al-Anon three times and it has helped some. A father of an alcoholic asked me if I would feel the same if this disease was cancer, and not wanting to debate, I said no. My personal opinion is that yes, both are diseases, but the addict consciously chooses to drink or stood medicate, she even admitted so last night.
We are at my dad's for Easter today, which is awkward, and Jew knows what's been going on.
I'm am peeved that she decided to just briefly tell the kids why she was in rehab, which she didn't even mention rehab, just "here". They ate not relating the missing family time, activities, sports activities, etc....to the over medicating or drinking. My biggest fear is relapse because of the long history of it. She says she "learned so much more in this program on how to deal with the real world problems", which caused her to drink or medicate, over the marriage and kids.
Anyways......
Didn't really talk allot in the four hours there with her around, couldn't look at her really, just an initial hug initiated by her. Drive home I was mostly silent and after got home too until kids went to bed. That's when I talked with her about everything mentioned at beginning of the post. I have a record video of her I wanted her to watch what I had to put up with, but she said she didn't want to. My anxiety increased so I went into the living roomand went to sleep.
I have been to Al-Anon three times and it has helped some. A father of an alcoholic asked me if I would feel the same if this disease was cancer, and not wanting to debate, I said no. My personal opinion is that yes, both are diseases, but the addict consciously chooses to drink or stood medicate, she even admitted so last night.
We are at my dad's for Easter today, which is awkward, and Jew knows what's been going on.
I'm am peeved that she decided to just briefly tell the kids why she was in rehab, which she didn't even mention rehab, just "here". They ate not relating the missing family time, activities, sports activities, etc....to the over medicating or drinking. My biggest fear is relapse because of the long history of it. She says she "learned so much more in this program on how to deal with the real world problems", which caused her to drink or medicate, over the marriage and kids.
Anyways......
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
confused.....she is going to do things her way. she has that right.
by the same token...you have the right to handle your things your way. You cannot control her....nor is that you job.....
Your are responsible for your own actions and to make the decisions that are best for your own welfare.....(and the children, too...of course).....
dandylion
by the same token...you have the right to handle your things your way. You cannot control her....nor is that you job.....
Your are responsible for your own actions and to make the decisions that are best for your own welfare.....(and the children, too...of course).....
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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I agree with Hawkeye. If you continue with anxiety or find yourself walking on eggshells or in any other way uncomfortable in your own home, she needs to go. You have a right to live your life as you see fit, too. You wouldn't be "going back on your word", you tried and it just wasn't working for you during early recovery, that is all. End of story. I see the manipulation she uses with you. If she's sincere about recovery, she will understand that YOU have needs, too. You don't have to show her videos to prove what she put you through. She knows. Actions, not words. From here on out.
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Confused,
I don't want you to get angry with what I am saying, but I don't agree with you on what you are doing.
I justify your anger as I would have the same anger!! But that is your problem not hers. Not sure why you feel you need to show her videos of what she did when she was drunk. She just spent how many days in rehab to move forward in her life. What do you want from her, after she sees the videos. She lived it, she did it. She might not remember all of it but she was there. And not sure why you need to punish her with your kids and having to "talk" to them, so soon after rehab. Do you really think the first thing she wants to do after being away from her kids is bring up all the misery she caused everyone. Can't she have a few days of hugs and love, the stuff she missed when she was gone. To try and remember the good things of being a healthy mom and why she needs to stay sober.
I see so much "meanness" coming from you. I validate how you feel, but how you feel is your issues not hers. Go and read on the A forum. They tell each and every one on the forum that you all did some terrible stuff and if you live in that guilt you will stay in that guilt and drink. You have to learn to forgive yourself and move forward. You are not giving her a chance to do what she is suppose to be practicing.
You need to work on you. Take care of you, and learn how to deal with your anger towards her. When she is ready to talk she will. You are pushing your rage and anger on her and not giving her a chance, and she will fail, I guarantee you that.
I am not sure if you two should be together. She has the biggest challenge of her life to try and stay sober. I understand your fear of her falling off the wagon but try in your heart to find some compassion. This is your wife and mother of your children. You either try and open your heart and educate yourself on what addicts are going through, and educate yourself on what codies can do to help themselves. Or you need to separate and live apart. She needs a chance and if you can't do that, then you should not be living together. I feel she deserves that respect, even with your anger and punishing her.
I am sorry for saying this to you, and I am sure you will be angry at me. You are beating a dead horse and it is just not fair. I hope for your recovery that someday you can find compassion for your wife, she is probably a wonderful person with a terrible disease.
I also completely disagree with you that an alcoholic consciously chooses to drink, but I won't even open that can of worms.
I am sending you hugs and hope, I pray that one day you can open your heart and forgive!!
I don't want you to get angry with what I am saying, but I don't agree with you on what you are doing.
I justify your anger as I would have the same anger!! But that is your problem not hers. Not sure why you feel you need to show her videos of what she did when she was drunk. She just spent how many days in rehab to move forward in her life. What do you want from her, after she sees the videos. She lived it, she did it. She might not remember all of it but she was there. And not sure why you need to punish her with your kids and having to "talk" to them, so soon after rehab. Do you really think the first thing she wants to do after being away from her kids is bring up all the misery she caused everyone. Can't she have a few days of hugs and love, the stuff she missed when she was gone. To try and remember the good things of being a healthy mom and why she needs to stay sober.
I see so much "meanness" coming from you. I validate how you feel, but how you feel is your issues not hers. Go and read on the A forum. They tell each and every one on the forum that you all did some terrible stuff and if you live in that guilt you will stay in that guilt and drink. You have to learn to forgive yourself and move forward. You are not giving her a chance to do what she is suppose to be practicing.
You need to work on you. Take care of you, and learn how to deal with your anger towards her. When she is ready to talk she will. You are pushing your rage and anger on her and not giving her a chance, and she will fail, I guarantee you that.
I am not sure if you two should be together. She has the biggest challenge of her life to try and stay sober. I understand your fear of her falling off the wagon but try in your heart to find some compassion. This is your wife and mother of your children. You either try and open your heart and educate yourself on what addicts are going through, and educate yourself on what codies can do to help themselves. Or you need to separate and live apart. She needs a chance and if you can't do that, then you should not be living together. I feel she deserves that respect, even with your anger and punishing her.
I am sorry for saying this to you, and I am sure you will be angry at me. You are beating a dead horse and it is just not fair. I hope for your recovery that someday you can find compassion for your wife, she is probably a wonderful person with a terrible disease.
I also completely disagree with you that an alcoholic consciously chooses to drink, but I won't even open that can of worms.
I am sending you hugs and hope, I pray that one day you can open your heart and forgive!!
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No one is responsible for whether someone relapses except the person who picks up the bottle, puts it to their lips, and swallows.
As someone on the alcoholic side of the fence, I wouldn't be expecting or counting on anyone's forgiveness after years of my addiction causing chaos for family and especially if I had had two stints in rehab. I expect skepticism and expect to be held accountable by and for my actions.
As someone on the alcoholic side of the fence, I wouldn't be expecting or counting on anyone's forgiveness after years of my addiction causing chaos for family and especially if I had had two stints in rehab. I expect skepticism and expect to be held accountable by and for my actions.
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