samantha14

Hi! My name is Sam, I am two days sober and I am trying to start my journey here but I am already stumped by Step One.

I posted these questions in another forum but then discovered this one and figured this might be the place....

In going to some AA meetings and listening to people's stories I can completely understand how Step One is supposed to work. But, and I don't mean to sound uneducated or rude here, my story feels different. I have never lost my job or even missed any time from work, I haven't gotten a DUI or in any trouble with the law, my kids have never seen me drunk and I feel pretty high-functioning.

So how do I know and admit that I am powerless if I feel like I haven't hit my rock bottom (I think that is what's scaring me the most right now...what if my rock bottom is still to come?) How do I say my life is unmanageable if I actually feel pretty lucky and blessed to lead the life I do??

Again this is not meant with any ill regard I just feel really confused and am hoping for some perspective.....

Thanks in advance....

Sam

sg1970

Read the first post you made here. About the weekend with your husband. It shows powerlessness and unmanagebility.

I was a high functioning alcoholic as well when viewed from the outside but on the inside I was miserable. Unmanageable. When I drank I never knew how much I would end up drinking for sure. I couldn't limit it. Every day I would swear I wouldn't drink but I did it anyway. I was powerless.

When you are listening to other people listen for the similarities and not the differences. Alcoholism will lie to you. It's the only disease that will try to tell you you don't have it.

sugarbear1

I work the steps with my sponsor. Do you have one, yet?

All those things that have yet to come, just haven't come, yet.

ItsViolet

I didn't lose a job or a partner as a direct result of drinking either, never got a DUI. So I found this step troubling too. I wasn't sure if my life was truly unmanageable. But maybe that's because I was using other people's lives as the example of what's unmanageable: i.e. lost job, lost spouse, etc. So I had to figure out what's unmanageable for ME and MY life.

Once I actually sat down to do some reading about step one in a couple different recovery books to kind of prompt my thinking, and then wrote a list of everything about my life that was unmanageable, I was surprised by all the things I could come up with. I may not have lost the same things that others have, but I still lost a lot. I lost myself, and that's nothing to sniff at.

mick3580

As far as aa is concerned and with regard to the first step, step one in its entirety is the admission that once I start drinking, I lose power, control, and choice to stop. The in manageability has to do with once I put down the drink, I cannot "manage" my decision to stay stopped. Step 1 has zero to do with external circumstances and has nothing to do with the messed up thoughts and emotions we have when not drinking. Pages 1-43 of the big book plus the doctor's opinion that precedes that contains all of the information necessary to take step one. A person in aa who has solved their problem can be helpful also, at times.

Berrybean

Are you the person you want to be while you are drinking? If not, why not? How does your drinking affect the decisions you make, yiur behaviour, your emotions and the quality of your day to day existence? What made you decide to go to AA? (I'm guessing it wasn't because you thought it'd be a fun day out).

I also didn't lose a job or partner through my drinking - but that was largely down to luck. I did however lose complete control of my finances, and despite holding down a well paid job, was always hand to mouth and within stomach-churning worry distance of my overdraft limit. I neglected people in my family because they couldn't interfere with my drinking, and our the years lost contact with my brother and cousins and childhood friends who I loved (not that I could see that was down to me at the time) I didn't bother to visit my beloved grandmother in her final months due to my very hectic 'social' schedule . At home my house was never cleaned, and the bedclothes never changed. Washing was only done sporadically. It seemed I either had an empty fridge and lived on take out, or a fridge full of festering food, and lived on take out. I did the bare minimum for my job and lived in dread of being caught out for being below par. Many interests and hobbies I had went by the wayside because I preferred to drink. I put myself in many dangerous situations when drunk. I humiliated myself on numerous occasions. ... I could carry on, but I won't for now. You get the idea though? Alcohol took over and gradually I had less and less manageability in my life. It was exhausting and depressing. I had became someone I didn't care for or want to be. Time alone or without distraction from myself became unbearable. It was no way to live, and this is some of what I acknowledged in my step one.

Hope this helps. Have you got a sponsor? If so, don't hesitate to call them to chat it through. They really, really won't mind at all. That's what we agree to when we take on a sponsee. Besides, someone did it for them in the distant (or not so distant) past, and hopefully one day you'll be able to do the same for someone else.

Wishing you all the best in your journey, through sobriety, and recovery, to freedom and serenity.

tomsteve

youre not rude or uneducated. just lack knowledge of the program.
your story only feels different but there is absolutely nothing unique about it- thetes thousands of members of aa who didnt get to the advanced stages of alcoholism:

We think that about one-half of today's incoming A.A. members were never advanced cases of alcoholism; though, given time, all might have been.
Most of these fortunate ones have had little or no acquaintance with delirium, with hospitals, asylums, and jails. Some were drinking heavily and there had been occasional serious episodes. But with many, drinking had been little more than a sometimes uncontrollable nuisance. Seldom had any of these lost either health, business, family, or friends.
Why do men and women like these join A.A.?
The twelve who now tell their experiences answer that question. They saw that they had become actual or potential alcoholics, even though no serious harm had yet been done.
They realized that repeated lack of drinking control, when they really wanted control, was the fatal symptom that spelled problem drinking. This, plus mounting emotional disturbances, convinced them that compulsive alcoholism already had them; that complete ruin would be only a question of time.
Seeing this danger, they came to A.A. They realized that in the end alcoholism could be as mortal as cancer; certainly no sane man would wait for a malignant growth to become fatal before seeking help.
Therefore, these twelve A.A.'s, and thousands like them, have been saved years of infinite suffering. They sum it up like this: "We didn't wait to hit bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually, the bottom came up and hit us. That sold us on Alcoholics Anonymous."



i highly suggest getting a sponsor and reading the big book. alcoholism has much more to do with quantity drank and materialistic losses.
look at the thinking and very well,like myself, could find your thinking is no different than many of us.

also, id suggest bringing this up at a meeting- at the beginning of the meeting. it could be just a matter of you not hearing those who stopped in time.

Music

Hi Sam,
I had the same problem, understanding about powerlessness, and unmanageability.
Powerlessness-Did I ever set out to have just one or two drinks, and find myself drunk at the end of the night? Did I ever do anything anti-social while drinking, i.e. something I wouldn't do sober, or find it hard to believe when I was told what I did?
Unmanageability-Let's understand first off that no one manages his life perfectly but the question is was alcohol ever a source of any problems having to do with people, places and things? If alcohol causes me problems, alcohol is a problem and I don't think you'd be here on this website if you didn't have some concern about your drinking....so, to me alcohol is a problem at some level for you. If you have trouble not drinking, you need help to stop drinking. Don't worry about your bottom. Your bottom is wherever you are when you decide to stop drinking. Whether or not you hit your bottom depends on whether or not you drink again. I've been sober 39 years and I still stand guard because although I don't have a drinking problem today, I have a thinking problem...still! I was in the military when I got sober. I had a family and my job was one that allowed me to attend parties and dances where drinks were served. I was a functional drunk and I managed to do quite well at about half blasted. I had a friend tell me after I got sober that he didn't realize I drank until he saw me sober. You're worrying about points that don't need to be worried about. Just try to be objective and get a sponsor who'll be honest enough to tell you when you're BSing. We need to be honest as is pointed out in How It Works in the Big Book. Especially honest with ourselves. God Bless.

ItsViolet

Love everyone's answers here. Great thread

Nowsthetime

Hi Sam:

I just read your "liking yourself" thread in the newcomers section.

Alcohol has robbed you this, self love.

This realization might help you.

I don't do AA. I use AVRT and SR.

I'm glad that you are starting this journey. We will have your back.

Centered3

Many people get off the elevator on a higher floor. It doesn't matter either way if you have a high bottom or a low bottom.

No one says you need to have a DUI, drink on the job, or lose a spouse, etc. to be an alcoholic.

It's all about:

1)Why you drink (to change how you feel)
2)Not being able to control the amount once you start.
3)Saying you won't drink again and you mean it with all your heart, but then you end up drinking again and you don't understand why.
4) Powerlessness & unmanageability (see Music's reply above)

I understand things a lot better when people on SR remind me not to over complicate it. :-)

I was also told that I wouldn't really understand Step 1 until after I did the work.

BrendaChenowyth

I have lost jobs and relationships and failed at many things because of my depression, anxiety and substance abuse... but those weren't rock bottom moments because all that stuff's external and comes and goes anyway... My drinking may have caused my behavior that caused my dismissal from my job, but I also could have just had a boss that didn't like me or my company might have closed... My partner might have just met someone else or we might have grown apart... I could go on. Life happens and often it really sucks, and often we blame ourselves for the bad stuff even when we didn't do anything to cause it, so let's set aside the need to evaluate life circumstances in terms of how alcoholism is influencing them.

About six years ago I was homeless and living my car and to this day I don't consider it among the worst times in my life. I remember still feeling generally happy because although my circumstances weren't ideal I knew what to do next and I knew I could. I wasn't powerless.

My rock-bottom moments have been within the past couple years where I have found myself every now and again with this feeling that I am a stranger to myself, that I don't like the person I've become and I don't know how I got to be here. It has a lot to do with what my physical dependence on alcohol does to me on every level, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Like I said, I've been homeless and happy, but at that time I wasn't lost to my addiction. I didn't feel like I was drowning.

That feeling of powerlessness I needed to get to in order to start recovering from this didn't come from losing STUFF, it came from losing myself.. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

DayTrader

AWESOME question(s) Sam.

Here's the good news.... DUIs, missing work, legal troubles - those are not necessary to take step 1, they're not even "recommended" to take step 1 and they have nothing to do with step 1 or with "hitting bottom." Now I'm sure you hear ppl in meetings say those things are their bottom, and I'm sure they believe that. The problem is, they're using the terminology wrong and speaking about issues and beliefs rather than real-AA / the AA program.

Powerless over alcohol is simple:
1. when you start drinking, can you always control the amount you drink?
2. When you decide not to drink, can you stick with that decision?

If you answer yes to either or both of those questions, you're not powerless (or maybe the answers are "no" and you're not willing or able to be honest with yourself about it - that's the group I fell into) over alcohol and there's no need for the rest of the program.

Life unmanagable: For your life, you've been running it as best you can / as best you see fit. Accepting how things actually are.......how the really are going........ the question is this: How good of a manager have you been? If you were a sports team, would you re-sign the manager or look for another?

All that crap you mentioned....... dui, courts, job loss....... toss in divorce, hospital stays, stints in rehab....... those are all events, but not necessarily a bottom. Any number of "events" can happen.......or not happen......but a bottom is something different. Bottom is like looking at the chart of a stock on the stockmarket - a stock that's been steadily dropping. One day though, that stock stops dropping and begins, eventually, to start going back up. The fact that we stop going one direction and begin going in another direction - that change in trajectory - that's a bottom. (and remember, Bill Wilson was a sort of stock broker). It doesn't matter what "events" happen along the way - doesn't matter a bit. Well, I guess it matters to some ppl who use those events and their glorious stories of them to try and impress ppl at AA meetings but really, in relation to a bottom or not, they don't mean squat.

It's a fact that bad things tend to come to ppl who live an alcoholic life but it's the changing of the lifestyle that signifies a bottom.......not the multitude of "encouragements" we get from the pain of the events along the way. That said, some ppl need a lot of convincing, experience a lot of pain, and talk about the wrong thing at tables because making the same decision to change your life as every single other person who's actually involved in recovery doesn't sound so special and unique so they talk about stuff that has nothing to do with AA but it "sounds good" or "sounds interesting." The AA literature isn't wrong when it says we all MUST hit the same bottom....... bottom in that we stop dropping into alcoholism and begin a life of recovery. Don't be mislead by ppl who don't know better and instead focus on the events that led up to that bottom.

mfanch

For me, it was not about what alcohol did to my outsides, it's what it did to my insides. I was dead inside. I could not leave booze alone. Even after quitting for long periods (years), I ALWAYS went back. Oh I was the bastion of success looking in from the outside, though. Ugh.

frenchbenCH

Hi Samantha,

This is an old thread, so I'm not sure you will read it. I am struggling with the same concept as you. I have not hit rock bottom and I'm functioning quite well... although there are many cracks in the wall, I haven't lost a job, a spouse, my money, etc...

So I was wondering what you ended up doing that enabled you to embrace step 1 fully, intellectually and emotionally...

Ben

awuh1

If you cannot control your drinking (or you sense that you are gradually losing control of how much or how often you drink) then it's just a matter of time before you stop circling the drain and start the journey down it.

If you TRULY can control your drinking, then enjoy. You have no problem.

But most important, be true to yourself.

tomsteve

welcome,ben. if you notice the 1st step is somewhat 2 part:
we admitted we were powerless over alcohol:
once we have a drink we cant stop.

and that our lives had become unmanagable:
although there are many cracks in the wall

this is that prelude i posted above:

We think that about one-half of today's incoming A.A. members were never advanced cases of alcoholism; though, given time, all might have been.
Most of these fortunate ones have had little or no acquaintance with delirium, with hospitals, asylums, and jails. Some were drinking heavily and there had been occasional serious episodes. But with many, drinking had been little more than a sometimes uncontrollable nuisance. Seldom had any of these lost either health, business, family, or friends.
Why do men and women like these join A.A.?
The twelve who now tell their experiences answer that question. They saw that they had become actual or potential alcoholics, even though no serious harm had yet been done.
They realized that repeated lack of drinking control, when they really wanted control, was the fatal symptom that spelled problem drinking. This, plus mounting emotional disturbances, convinced them that compulsive alcoholism already had them; that complete ruin would be only a question of time.
Seeing this danger, they came to A.A. They realized that in the end alcoholism could be as mortal as cancer; certainly no sane man would wait for a malignant growth to become fatal before seeking help.
Therefore, these twelve A.A.'s, and thousands like them, have been saved years of infinite suffering. They sum it up like this: "We didn't wait to hit bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually, the bottom came up and hit us. That sold us on Alcoholics Anonymous."

its important to not compare drinking stories, but to relate to drinking thinking. after all, alcohol is just a symptom of underlying issues.
its not about how much we drank and what happened as a result of drinking, but why we drink- the underlying issues.

i didnt end up living under a bridge or on the streets of the cass corridor, but my thinking was the same as those two.
also the same as the man that only had 6 blackouts his entire drinking career and only drank wine at and after dinner; the same as the closet drinker, the successful business owner.................

Ken33xx

For me I was no longer functioning. The cracks had widened and it (my life) was falling apart. This had become increasingly clear.

My drinking had reached a point where I needed a buzz to function. Work? Need a few drinks before starting. Date? Need a few drinks before going out.

To be honest I never really wanted to quit but my life had become unmanageable. I was at a stage where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Thus, I was willing to call AA and attend a meeting. I'd thought about going over the years but never went.