Better out than in...
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Better out than in...
Hello all,
It seems I have to vent. Since I've been able to name what the XABF was doing to me, to tell him that he was verbally and emotionally abusing me, I've been reading on the subject.
But I'm also angry… Mainly at myself.
I'm angry that I didn't see, or didn't to see the reds flags of abuse sooner, since I was focussing on the alcohol abuse.
I'm angry that I let myself be bullied by that "special snowflake"
I'm angry that every time I tried to say "No more, this behaviour is unacceptable", I let myself be moved by is tears or charm.
I'm angry that I believed him when he said he loved me and hurting me was the last thing he wanted to do to me.
I'm angry that I opened more after being told that I should open more so he could help me. That somewhere in that sick game I thought that maybe he really wasn't hurting me on purpose, it's just that he didn't know my vulnerabilities and was stepping on them by mistake.
I'm angry that I reverted to the yelling version of myself. It's something I had stopped doing. But I let myself go back there because I felt I wasn't heard when communicating in a normal manner.
And I'm angry that he gets to walk away "scott free" while I have to pick up the pieces of myself and address the situation in order to never find myself in that position again.
I'm angry that, once again, the actions of another person force me to do the emotional clean up work.
Now, I will pick the pieces of myself and do the self-work needed to never put myself in that position. I will clean up the emotional consequences that his behaviour has inflicted on me. It's what I do. It's the only way to grow and be a well-adjusted person. But it makes me so angry…..
It seems I have to vent. Since I've been able to name what the XABF was doing to me, to tell him that he was verbally and emotionally abusing me, I've been reading on the subject.
But I'm also angry… Mainly at myself.
I'm angry that I didn't see, or didn't to see the reds flags of abuse sooner, since I was focussing on the alcohol abuse.
I'm angry that I let myself be bullied by that "special snowflake"
I'm angry that every time I tried to say "No more, this behaviour is unacceptable", I let myself be moved by is tears or charm.
I'm angry that I believed him when he said he loved me and hurting me was the last thing he wanted to do to me.
I'm angry that I opened more after being told that I should open more so he could help me. That somewhere in that sick game I thought that maybe he really wasn't hurting me on purpose, it's just that he didn't know my vulnerabilities and was stepping on them by mistake.
I'm angry that I reverted to the yelling version of myself. It's something I had stopped doing. But I let myself go back there because I felt I wasn't heard when communicating in a normal manner.
And I'm angry that he gets to walk away "scott free" while I have to pick up the pieces of myself and address the situation in order to never find myself in that position again.
I'm angry that, once again, the actions of another person force me to do the emotional clean up work.
Now, I will pick the pieces of myself and do the self-work needed to never put myself in that position. I will clean up the emotional consequences that his behaviour has inflicted on me. It's what I do. It's the only way to grow and be a well-adjusted person. But it makes me so angry…..
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
The good news is that you'll know better and you'll see it coming next time.
A couple of years after I left my ex, I met a guy who on paper was everything I wanted...and he was all charm and magic words and talking about moving in together after three weeks. Um, what? Sure enough, I found red flag after alcoholic red flag and I kicked him to the curb after six weeks, enjoyed doing it, and didn't waste a minute's regret over him, even though he kept leaving messages for a year.
Some lessons are excruciating...but we really learn from them.
A couple of years after I left my ex, I met a guy who on paper was everything I wanted...and he was all charm and magic words and talking about moving in together after three weeks. Um, what? Sure enough, I found red flag after alcoholic red flag and I kicked him to the curb after six weeks, enjoyed doing it, and didn't waste a minute's regret over him, even though he kept leaving messages for a year.
Some lessons are excruciating...but we really learn from them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
trust me hon.....you'd rather be YOU with all this valuable "experience" and opportunity to grow........than he who has learned NOTHING and is still lugging a big fat addiction around. it may not SEEM like you got the better deal, but trust me..........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Anvil,
The worse part is, deep down, I know that I got the better end of the deal, and I know I'll get "valuable experience" out of it.
Just as I know I'll do the damn self-work I need to do.
Simply because that's what I do. I'm a "fixer". Apparently, I haven't grasp that "not fixing others concept thingy" as well as I thought. But the fixing myself thingy, I'm well versed in it.
But as a friend said earlier this year when she went through an horribly difficult period "I know it's an opportunity for learning, but damn, haven't I grow enough?"
Apparently not it would seem.
Hence all that anger.
The worse part is, deep down, I know that I got the better end of the deal, and I know I'll get "valuable experience" out of it.
Just as I know I'll do the damn self-work I need to do.
Simply because that's what I do. I'm a "fixer". Apparently, I haven't grasp that "not fixing others concept thingy" as well as I thought. But the fixing myself thingy, I'm well versed in it.
But as a friend said earlier this year when she went through an horribly difficult period "I know it's an opportunity for learning, but damn, haven't I grow enough?"
Apparently not it would seem.
Hence all that anger.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Livinglife4me!
Ahhh but he would've loved to marry me! He even took to wearing a stupid band just to show he had found "the one", then complained I wasn't wearing one.
1. If you want the girl to wear a ring, you better get your srawny behind in gear, find a job a BUY HER a damn ring, not tell her she should buy one herself!
2. I'm not really into marriage. Actually, i'm not into weddings. The partnership that comes after yes. However, where I'm from, they passed this law about 20 years ago to "protect women". So prenups are not allowed anymore, at all. No loopholes, no nothing. This law means that anything accumulated during the marriage (assets, debts, pension plan, etc) is split 50-50 in case of divorce. The highest earner will aslo have to pay alimony (for the spouse with the lowest income and for any kids). You can refuse the alimony for yourself if you wish, but you can't refuse to pay it if the other wants it.
My parents have raised me to be financially independent, to always be able to pay for myself. My mother even refused to have me before she felt she could raise me own here own without help from my dad if need be. They have been married for more or less 40 years and still share expenses 50-50. The only have a joint account for the houses, the food, etc. Everything else is separated.
So yeah, the idea of marrying the jobless leech wasn't one I was entertaining!
And the more I think about it, the more I realize how lucky I am to have such greats parents of have always been there for me teaching me right from wrong, giving me though love when needed (meaning often), showed me how to be a kind and decent human being. They've let me make my own mistakes, never imposed on me the life they had imagined for me, but have always let me know that they would be there for me when I needed it. They are my lucky stars!
Ahhh but he would've loved to marry me! He even took to wearing a stupid band just to show he had found "the one", then complained I wasn't wearing one.
1. If you want the girl to wear a ring, you better get your srawny behind in gear, find a job a BUY HER a damn ring, not tell her she should buy one herself!
2. I'm not really into marriage. Actually, i'm not into weddings. The partnership that comes after yes. However, where I'm from, they passed this law about 20 years ago to "protect women". So prenups are not allowed anymore, at all. No loopholes, no nothing. This law means that anything accumulated during the marriage (assets, debts, pension plan, etc) is split 50-50 in case of divorce. The highest earner will aslo have to pay alimony (for the spouse with the lowest income and for any kids). You can refuse the alimony for yourself if you wish, but you can't refuse to pay it if the other wants it.
My parents have raised me to be financially independent, to always be able to pay for myself. My mother even refused to have me before she felt she could raise me own here own without help from my dad if need be. They have been married for more or less 40 years and still share expenses 50-50. The only have a joint account for the houses, the food, etc. Everything else is separated.
So yeah, the idea of marrying the jobless leech wasn't one I was entertaining!
And the more I think about it, the more I realize how lucky I am to have such greats parents of have always been there for me teaching me right from wrong, giving me though love when needed (meaning often), showed me how to be a kind and decent human being. They've let me make my own mistakes, never imposed on me the life they had imagined for me, but have always let me know that they would be there for me when I needed it. They are my lucky stars!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Hey, give yourself some credit for smarts, too...he put a lot of pressure on you to get married and you didn't give in, thus saving yourself a ton of aggravation and money.
So maybe pat yourself on the back? It could have been soooooo much worse.
So maybe pat yourself on the back? It could have been soooooo much worse.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Thank you for responding to my post tonight and after reading your post I see you are dealing with your own issues. You sound like you have done the best thing for you and I am proud! I stayed with my Ah 17 years and broke up too many times to count but always got back with him . Thanks to this site and people like you I will stick to my decision this time! Sending you strength and hugs and peace!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Kata, please accept a standing electronic ovation on many of the things you said here.
And many thanks for not marrying this guy. Gratitude may seem weird but it is what I feel when any alcoholic gets sober or someone leaves an alcoholic. In these situations the world is made a better place in some immeasurable and immense way.
That being said, anger sucks but is certainly the natural emotion given what you have gone through. Feel it and let it go. (repeat as necessary as the anger will probably stick around waaaay longer than you want).
And many thanks for not marrying this guy. Gratitude may seem weird but it is what I feel when any alcoholic gets sober or someone leaves an alcoholic. In these situations the world is made a better place in some immeasurable and immense way.
That being said, anger sucks but is certainly the natural emotion given what you have gone through. Feel it and let it go. (repeat as necessary as the anger will probably stick around waaaay longer than you want).
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Kata you may have been vulnerable to him in some respects but you also had a core of common-sense and self-esteem that saved you from getting tangled up with him financially. Well done you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Just echoing what everyone else has said. You totally dodged a bullet...seriously. And as much as I used to beat myself up about missing the red shiny beacons (they were larger than flags), I know I'll never miss them again-that's the best I can do. I forgive that girl that just wabted to see the best in my ex-instead of reality. It's ok to be angry-get it ALL out. Beat the crap out of a punching bag. Just get it out!!
Peace to you
Peace to you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Thank you all for your great feedback.
Some of you have said that now that I knew, I would see the red flags next time…That’s a problem for me. I’m scared of not seeing them, or seeing them and not acting immediately. Deep down, I’m a naïve and very trusting person. I always see the good in people and tend to bet on that.
By all accounts, with the things I went through in my life, I shouldn’t be naïve or trusting. I just shouldn’t. But I am. And it’s honestly something I don’t want to lose. I used to think I was stupid for still being that way after having proving wrong many times. But now I find it amazing that I retain those two qualities, and I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want to let the actions of a “very special snowflake” change that side of me.
At the same time, I fully understand and accept that I have to learn to stop “betting on people’s potential”. I have to accept that potential doesn’t mean a thing until you actually use it. I have to accept that some people aren’t that good…
So I guess my question is, how do I manage to lose my rose-coloured glasses, accept that some people just don’t have much good in them, but still retain my naïve and trusting nature?
I don’t ever want to be jaded or bitter, and I don’t want to cut people loose at the first mistake, but I don’t ever want to let someone walk all over me ever again. Is there a way to achieve that balance? How do you guys do it?
Some of you have said that now that I knew, I would see the red flags next time…That’s a problem for me. I’m scared of not seeing them, or seeing them and not acting immediately. Deep down, I’m a naïve and very trusting person. I always see the good in people and tend to bet on that.
By all accounts, with the things I went through in my life, I shouldn’t be naïve or trusting. I just shouldn’t. But I am. And it’s honestly something I don’t want to lose. I used to think I was stupid for still being that way after having proving wrong many times. But now I find it amazing that I retain those two qualities, and I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want to let the actions of a “very special snowflake” change that side of me.
At the same time, I fully understand and accept that I have to learn to stop “betting on people’s potential”. I have to accept that potential doesn’t mean a thing until you actually use it. I have to accept that some people aren’t that good…
So I guess my question is, how do I manage to lose my rose-coloured glasses, accept that some people just don’t have much good in them, but still retain my naïve and trusting nature?
I don’t ever want to be jaded or bitter, and I don’t want to cut people loose at the first mistake, but I don’t ever want to let someone walk all over me ever again. Is there a way to achieve that balance? How do you guys do it?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kata....I assume that you are talking about intimate relationships.
My best advice is to go very slowly when approaching romantic relationships....
...LOL...you mentioned your adhd. Now, I know that there is a tendency to jump in I'mpulsively and with intense emotion......
But....go slowly---to give yourself time enough to see the person in all kinds of situations...and to learn their past histories, really well.
For Pete's sake...don't have sex with them...at least, until you know who they are really well. Sex triggers a cascading of bonding hormones for women--more so than for men....and, that can lead you into a world of premature trouble.....
Just some of mu thoughts on the subject.....
dandylion
My best advice is to go very slowly when approaching romantic relationships....
...LOL...you mentioned your adhd. Now, I know that there is a tendency to jump in I'mpulsively and with intense emotion......
But....go slowly---to give yourself time enough to see the person in all kinds of situations...and to learn their past histories, really well.
For Pete's sake...don't have sex with them...at least, until you know who they are really well. Sex triggers a cascading of bonding hormones for women--more so than for men....and, that can lead you into a world of premature trouble.....
Just some of mu thoughts on the subject.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I totally understand where you're coming from. After divorce, I started dating a real hot charmer who was really a jobless leech himself. Deep down I knew that, but OH his potential! And dammmm he was hot!! Well turned out he was a BIG liar to-boot. He lied about things just because he could. So I think you totally understand what your X is about and so you had rose-colored glasses on. So now you just set the bar a bit higher for the next one that comes along. Heck, even make a list: 1) must have steady job making at least X amount, 2) must not be an addict or have addictive issues, 3) must not have family drama or history of it, -- you get my drift!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Dandylion, yup, I mentionned ADHD. To be clear, I have what I call the trifecta "innatentive, hyperactive and impulsive". When when I say impulsivity, I mean that I scored in the 99th percentile for motor impulsivity....
So humm, yeah, you're spot on! Things have changed a bit on that side since I got my diagnosis and medication about 3 years ago, and the impulsivity was the first and easiest symptom to manage with medication.
But it's true, and in a way, I'm an addict. Intese emotions, are my drug.
I am an adrenaline junkie in some ways.
And that cocktail of hormones you get when you "fall in love" is delicious.
However, with the medication it's easier to see through that fog.
I thank you for reminding me of this. As I might not remember it when I meet someone new, I'll make a point of asking my close friends to remind of it when the time comes, I'll also address this with my therapist when I see her tomorrow.
In the meantime, I'll plan a surf trip for next fall and book the program in need to participate in to get my 10 jumps and my skydiving certificate. And will top it all off with a bit of running/indoor climbing and krav maga this summer.
Adrenaline a much, much better drug that bad sex with an A who can't keep it up half the time, or than average sex with someone you don't have a connection with.
So humm, yeah, you're spot on! Things have changed a bit on that side since I got my diagnosis and medication about 3 years ago, and the impulsivity was the first and easiest symptom to manage with medication.
But it's true, and in a way, I'm an addict. Intese emotions, are my drug.
I am an adrenaline junkie in some ways.
And that cocktail of hormones you get when you "fall in love" is delicious.
However, with the medication it's easier to see through that fog.
I thank you for reminding me of this. As I might not remember it when I meet someone new, I'll make a point of asking my close friends to remind of it when the time comes, I'll also address this with my therapist when I see her tomorrow.
In the meantime, I'll plan a surf trip for next fall and book the program in need to participate in to get my 10 jumps and my skydiving certificate. And will top it all off with a bit of running/indoor climbing and krav maga this summer.
Adrenaline a much, much better drug that bad sex with an A who can't keep it up half the time, or than average sex with someone you don't have a connection with.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by Refiner 
So now you just set the bar a bit higher for the next one that comes along. Heck, even make a list: 1) must have steady job making at least X amount, 2) must not be an addict or have addictive issues, 3) must not have family drama or history of it, -- you get my drift!
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